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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think some mums act strange or am I strange?

88 replies

upsetfedup1 · 12/07/2010 13:01

Why do some mums invite my DC to their house for a play date, use it as an opportunity to quiz me about my life, what I do etc and then feel the need to snub me the next time I see them?
Why do some mums have no interaction with me in public but want to be my best friends in private?
Who do some mums like to focus on my misfortunes and try to cover up their own?
Why do some mums like to highlight the one time my DC misbehaves in public where their child is an awful, spoilt little madam, constantly?
Who do other mums always try to outdo you when you are simply sharing the fact that you had a nice weekend (well you did ask!)?
Why are some mums feel threatened because you are a professional mum/or you drive?
Why do some mums play this competitive game of ? ?how many other mums did you say hello to this morning?? every morning?
Why do some mums think it is OK for them to blatantly walk past you but then be ultra shocked when I return the favour the next time I see them?
Why do some mums (even some in their 40s) revert to play ground behaviour by whispering and trying to get others to ostracise you from a clique that you never wanted to be in the first place?
Why do some mums thrive on making others jealous?
Why do some mums laugh at my mono-lingualism
Why do some mums turn their children against other mums because of their own personal views?
Why do some mums only want to talk to you when certain other mums are not around?
Why are some mums conveniently never around when their children terrorise other children?
Why do some mums always want my DC to come to their house but will never accept an invitation to mine?

I am sensitive, yes I admit that. I do not expect everyone to like me but sometimes the school run and its politics just gets me down. I try hard to be pleasant and consistent with all parents. Some I have more interactions than others but sometimes it?s the ones that you think you are making a headway with always kick you when you are down or just stab you in the back. All in all it just hurts!

My DH says it is jealousy, that I unknowing inspire others and make them feel inadequate at the same time, as I seem to ?have it together? whatever that means!!
I do not really know what others may or may not possibly see when they look at me but I feel constantly underestimated or made to feel irrelevant, or one that ought to be kept in my place. I look like the youngest mum in the class and i 'm unmarried does that have something to do with it? I don?t look ultra trendy, but I try to come across confident for the sake of my DC but at times I am quaking inside.
I often look at myself. they cannot be all wrng and i right, I have changed my approach and how I deal with it all but even after 2 years i feel like it is 2 steps forward and 3 steps back

All I really would like is one close parent friend at the school who does not feel like they want to compete, who I can talk to without feeling like I have revealed too much or not enough. Why is it so difficult for me. I was getting somewhere or so I thought and then I noticed another mum who mysteriously stopped talking to me watching my blossoming relationship with another mum and she went and targeted my ?friend? and my ?friend? over time became less of a friend. I feel so stupid even writing this as I feel like I am back at school surely there are others going through this too or is it really that I am over sensitive or maybe just not a nice person or not popular enough.
PLEASE HELP

OP posts:
mumblechum · 12/07/2010 13:22

You have a DH but you're unmarried?

Agree with others, just drop and run.

Besom · 12/07/2010 13:22

Upsetfedup - tell me to piss off if this doesn't apply to you but i have a friend who suffers from depression, and I always know when she is going off the deep end when she starts thinking everyone is talking about her and other people's negative behaviour is all to do with her.

I'm a bit worried that you sound similar to her, and I'm wondering if you're OK in other ways? If you're generally feeling more than just a bit upset and fed up, then maybe you should think about talking to your gp?

Take care.

mrsruffallo · 12/07/2010 13:25

LOL at Shirley Knot
OP, relaaax
Just smile and pretend to be normal

And stop counting how many people say hello to exh mum every morning. There in lies madness

proudnsad · 12/07/2010 13:26

Why not learn Mandarin - you will never be accused of mono-lingualism again.

You are being seriously paranoid, just relax, be yourself and like-minded mums will gravitate towards you/each other eventually.

If you think of the other mums as a big pack of unfriendly monsters, it ain't gonna help you.

HettiesMum · 12/07/2010 13:26

Upsetfedup1 - I don't wish to sound insensitive but I think you are taking these women too seriously and you need to widen your horizons to beyond the school gate.

FranSanDisco · 12/07/2010 13:27

Where do you live? Sounds awful.

Original poster
upsetfedup1 · 12/07/2010 13:35

I thank you all for your comments.some of them have been really helpful others brutally honest.

Evidently I need to grow a thicker skin and for this lesson I thank you all.

OP posts:
rupert22 · 12/07/2010 13:38

I'm not so sure you are being paranoid. I have bags of confidence and even so, i hate the school run. I get comments about my sports car being "inappropriate' and cliques form and freeze people out, its sad really.

Advice? Breeze in with children, smile lots, take a newspaper for waits, preferably one the masses hate, they will not talk then, thinking you are a raving socialist, and you can get on with a quiet life. x

porcamiseria · 12/07/2010 13:41

LOL at BAFE

agree if you work, dont even go there! fuck em! focus on real friends

Headbanger · 12/07/2010 13:44

OP, I think you're maybe tougher than you give yourself credit for, since you've borne with the posts here with a lot of grace!

Good luck with it all, for sure.

mumblechum · 12/07/2010 13:45

Are there people at work you could socialise with instead?

mrsruffallo · 12/07/2010 13:46

If you can take MN criticism tthen you do have a thick skin!
I would suggest you give yourself something to do straight after the school run- meet a friend for coffee, go for a swim or something. It's great to be busy, you won't notice all the nonsense

Pancakeflipper · 12/07/2010 14:14

I wouldn't want to be mates with them. They sound like too much hard work.

Stand back away from them. I bet there are other mums who are nice and normal thinking similiar to you and you'll find each other. You'll be friends and ignore everyone else - not cos' you are rude but you'll just not notice them.

HoopyFroodDude · 12/07/2010 14:16

I don't think its anything to do with being mums or women.

Some people are not easy to socialise with. On the whole people are busy thinking about their own lives and don't notice other people that much. If someone doesn't say hello to you it is probably because child b puked all over them this morning and they are late for an important meeting etc

There are a small minority or people that are not very nice to other people, all the more reason not to care if they chose not to socialise with you.

Good luck, hope you feel better about it soon.

IndigoSky · 12/07/2010 14:18

I've never come across this sort of thing.

I think you might be over thinking it.

HoopyFroodDude · 12/07/2010 14:23

I am quite suprised at the amount of people on this type of thread that say that they have "never" experienced any of these things. I am sure you are not entirely paranoid. I do think that you are all very lucky if you have never been in a school, workplace, toddler group etc where you have felt left out or socialy ill at ease. IT does happen to most people at some point in their lives.

inthesticks · 12/07/2010 14:28

Just because your child goes to school with other people's children doesn't mean you have to be friends with them.

Your children only need your involvement in their social life for a very few short years.

After about age 8 they will choose who they play with and make their own arrangements.

There is no such thing as the school gate at secondary school. Schoolgate friendships are transient.

Choose your friends elsewhere and tolerate these mums only when you must for the sake of your child.

EldritchCleavage · 12/07/2010 14:29

What Easywriter said, exactly.

I am not going to insinuate you've got it all wrong as some posters have, but I think this kind of thing only bothers you (and to an extent, only happens)if you let it, so try to be or at least appear more robust.

It's possible that because you are sensitive, you may be slightly 'over-monitoring' people, so any sly digs are picked up where others less concerned might miss them. Bitchy types will make a bee-line for you because they get the gratification of seeing you wilt.

So, ignore it all. Just channel the Queen next time you do the school run: smile and wave, smile and wave 'How very interesting' etc.

PantsMacabre · 12/07/2010 14:31

True Hoopy - but the school run takes 5 mins twice a day. It's not like working full time with snooty bullies.

I think most of us on here realise that the school gate is not the be all and end all - only because it was for a brief period of time for some of us iyswim. Then you move on.

HoopyFroodDude · 12/07/2010 14:34

I am sure that the OP is also aware it is not the be all and end all. As you say it is only a small part of the day.

We are unable to truly judge, not actually being there with her. Maybe she really does send her kid to Megabitchfromhell primary.

I agree with all of the above who say "smile and wave smile and wave".

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 14:35

I don't bother with any of the mums from the school run

I can't be arsed

OP, be more like me

Your life will be much, much easier

Effjay · 12/07/2010 14:50

Start with low expectations - just, drop and go and exchange a few pleasantries if it happens. But don't get hung up on not getting it right every day. If a friendship develops, then that's a bonus. It takes me years to make proper friends - the ones who I really, like, trust, can second-guess what they're going to say next, etc. Hopefully, in time you'll develop one of these friendships with one of the parents.

oliviacrumble · 12/07/2010 15:02

Are there truly people in this world who are threatened by someone "who can drive"?

You definitely need to relax a little...

sue52 · 12/07/2010 15:13

I just used to drop my children at school and run. The other women weren't nasty, I'm just antisocial in the mornings. As more than one person here has said you need to relax.

AgentZigzag · 12/07/2010 15:27

I don't like the school run either, but that's me and not the other people dropping their DC off.

I've never got used to it, there are people I say hello to, but I'm really not into conversations with them, the ones who know me accept that and still say hello/smalltalk.

I keep my sunglasses on, and when DD1 isn't with me my MP3 on and just phase out everything else, it's the only way I can cope with the crowds of people.

You do sound stressed OP, I hope you try to find a way that you can cope with it