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Allergies and intolerances

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Original poster

Allergy induced divorce, am I going to be the first one?

75 replies

Chandra · 13/12/2006 19:48

What do you do when your husband is a liability? I have spent 2 days going from one store to another searching for glutten-dairy-soya-nut-free chocolates so DS doesn't feel the odd one out in tomorrow's festivities at his school, then I arrive home to find DS has cooked dinner using egg noodles! (DS is very allergic to egg and wheat too)

Other common mistakes include serving Nutela on toast because he didn't think almonds were nuts, or tuna mayonaise salad because he forgot that mayonaise had egg and tuna (FGS!!!) is a fish. He has cooked pasta with anchovies without realising they are fish or... forbid me to show DS' card of allergies to an Italian waiter (card was a translation of DS allergies asking if they had a "allergen free" dish they could suggest). He also eats the food in DS's lunch box even during trips, when the only safe food available may be the one we are carrying with us. Or even worse... almost always forget DS's epipens at home!

There are soooo many things that make me feel DS is not safe if left alone with DH, I know my marriage is a good candidate for a split (for this and other reasons) but... is there anyway to shake DH so he remembers that his forgetfulness may be fatal to DS?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chandra · 13/12/2006 19:48

sorry DH cooked the dinner not DS

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brimfull · 13/12/2006 19:52

god i would be livid aswell.Does he attend the hospital appts with you?

Has he witnessed a reaction?

foxinsocks · 13/12/2006 19:55

lol - I doubt you'll be the first to consider it!

I can't post for long because I've got to go but it is INFURIATING when this happens chandra and I so sympathise with your position.

HONESTLY. Have you made dh come to any appointments with the paediatrician? I found this was a turning point with dh - I think it made him realise how serious it all was. Also, a few 'are you trying to kill him' conversations may not be amiss.

I don't think you're alone in this chandra. For years, I was the only one who ever had a clue about any of dd's medications and what to do in an allergy situation despite TELLING dh many times. I think it was similar to him 'not doing instructions' except, with children, instructions for medication/allergies are somewhat more important than those for the new TV.

Original poster
Chandra · 13/12/2006 19:57

He has attended a few, but still... no joy.

I don't know what is he expecting to happen, I really don't...

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foxinsocks · 13/12/2006 19:59

mm I must admit chandra, although dh was medication clueless he wouldn't have fed dd something she couldn't have eaten (well, he probably would have checked with me first if he wasn't sure).

I think I'd be livid. It's also not a great position for you to be in - not feeling that you can leave ds with him.

Have you told him how upset it makes you and how inappropriate his behaviour is?

Original poster
Chandra · 13/12/2006 20:04

Yes I have, we have had HUGE arguments about it but still no luck. I hate to say it but I have noticed that my levels of stress are dramatically reduced when he is away

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foxinsocks · 13/12/2006 20:07

I'm not surprised chandra. Not knowing whether your dh is going to be giving your child something that could induce a potentially serious reaction is going to make you incredibly stressed.

I don't know what to suggest. He sounds like he's being a complete and utter arse.

mrssnoah · 13/12/2006 20:32

Oh Chandra welcome to my world

DD has dairy allergy and apnoeas as baby from dairy. Dh just didnt get it.
I do think now looking back that he was just dim. There is no other explanation for it.

However, humour aside, it stressed me out beyond belief, and I wouldnt want that for you. We were SO nearly divorced through that.

I agree with foxinsox, drag him to consultant. If no appt due, take him to gp and get gp to explain severity of his lack of precautions (I would write/ring gp in advance to explain seriousness of situation)

Grandparents are also BAD !

ImpyChica · 13/12/2006 20:34

Is your DH jealous of all the attention DS gets or something? Seems such weird behaviour - to deliberately put your own son in danger.

I've been gluten-free for five or so years now and my DP is better than me at checking for dodgey ingredients in food he buys for me. And if I ingested gluten it wouldn't cause a serious reaction, I'd just be off colour for a bit.

Good luck with trying to work out his behaviour. I feel for you. Impy x

Original poster
Chandra · 13/12/2006 20:36

oh yes... grandparents are even worse... my mother handed DS a peanut filled chocolate to show me that "nothing happens" (it DID) and my MIL decided that the almonds of her village could not be bad for DS because "they are the best of the world".

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mrssnoah · 13/12/2006 20:40

Lol Chandra! Oh the scariness of Grannies!!
to dairy allergy child...

'There's not much milk in this chocolate dear'

'What's all the fuss, its only a cheese sauce'

'Its not fair that we all had icecream so I gave her one too.'

AAAARGHHH.

Original poster
Chandra · 13/12/2006 20:43

Thanks Impy, DS won't die if he has something with wheat but would wind me up for a week! but that doesn't seem to bother DH or increase her patience.

Arghhh.... I'm at the end of my tether.. a few weeks ago, I decided to remove from the kitchen everything that was not safe for DS. Then DH went to the supermarket and spent almost 200 punds in "nice food" as we all deserved a break...DS couldn't eat 80% of what he got... he is just not bothered with labels

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Original poster
Chandra · 13/12/2006 20:45

punds? good heavens... pounds! (I need to spend the same amount of money in a touch typing course )

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mrssnoah · 13/12/2006 20:45

When you ask him why what does he say?

gigwig · 13/12/2006 20:45

chandra - I get mad with DH about not cleaning/washing up well enough, like not cleaning the breadboard enough he'd used for cutting cheese before cutting bread for DS and so on. DH feels I nag him too much about it.

Took DH to our last consultant appointment where DS was tested and had bad results. The consultant was very sober about it all, spent a long time with us explaining it all and this has made DH be more careful now. I hope it lasts.

When I go out for the day etc, and DS and DH are alone, I do worry about him not cleaning 'contaminated' things or leaving milk lying around etc.

RanToTheHills · 13/12/2006 20:47

you know I thought you were going to say that you'd been found to be chemically incompatible with yr dh and were therefore leaving him! Apparently there are v rare instances of this happening!
Anway, I do sympathise = can you give him a comprehensive list of dos & don't and give him a huge kick up the bum too?

Original poster
Chandra · 13/12/2006 20:54

I really don't understand how he can't foget (because apparently it's all forgetfulness/distraction).

He went to the last test with me, he saw how DS skin started raising a couple of seconds after applying the serum. DS's other allergist is his friend and he is so adamant for us to take it seriously that he has got to the point of re arranging days outs, etc so DS can stay safe, but still... DH forgets about something at least twice a week.

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Original poster
Chandra · 13/12/2006 20:57

Rantothehills... I have considered tatooing the list onto his corneas! otherwise he would just forget to look at it!

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Heartmum2Jamie · 13/12/2006 21:02

I guess I can't complain too much about dh as he does his best to make sure that ds doesn't get anything he shouldn't and it includes sweeping up under ds1's (non-allergic) chair. What he isn't so good about is the cross contamination risk and would happily use the same implements for his food as he does for our food and he always seems to forget to wash his hands after handling eggs. I really have to say that i wouldn't trust Jamie in dh's care for anything more than an hour at a time. If I wasn't here, ds2 would not get any of his meds and would be sat in a horribly awful nappy (the contents of which eat away at the skin on his little bum, all allergy related).

Original poster
Chandra · 13/12/2006 21:07

Well, considering how many of you are going through the same... what has worked best (if any) for you?

Thanks for listening to my rant, thanks for helping me feel better (...) about it

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Original poster
Chandra · 13/12/2006 21:08

And I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through the same

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mymama · 13/12/2006 21:15

Sympathise with you Chandra. Hard position to be in when you can't leave dh to look after ds.

My dh is quite good. In the beginning he would forget to ask for ingredients when we were out and about but after making it perfectly clear he could kill him with his carelessness he has been great. to admit that I forgot to check a label recently and dh reminded me.

In our pantry I have a shelf for ds's foods with his name on everything. dh is under instructions to only feed ds this food when I am out.

As for eating ds's safe food - I would be furious. That is def out of order.

mrssnoah · 13/12/2006 21:21

Yes NOBODY is allowed to eat dd2 's special food. It is painstakingly come by and they face the wrath of me and more scarily, her if they do!

Forgot to mention, these kids are amazing at reminding the adults about their allergy and its not a bad thing to teach them to do so.

Original poster
Chandra · 13/12/2006 21:26

That's what I find more irritating TBH, if he takes something out of the lunchbox to eat it because he is hungry... there's no mistake on that!

But he can easily eat all the allergen free bread I have searched all around town for before we wake up in the morning... actually, it has always been like that, even before the diagnose of allergies... I had several arguments with him after finding him munching DS's baby snacks. He says that he can't help it when he is hungry! [fuming at that, isn't that bloody selfish????)

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tatt · 13/12/2006 21:40

I'm afraid the easiest way is not to have unsafe food in the house. Of course that means your food bills will be massively higher so maybe isn't an option.

My partner would not have used the epipen the other week "until things got worse". My response - you mean you'd use it when she was dead! He has been to all the consultant appointments, he knows you're supposed to use it sooner rather than later and I don't feel she's safe with him. he has intolerances and can't seem to accept that while he (and our son) may get ill, she'll be dead.

Not the allergy problems that would have us in the divorce courts, though - just the different approach to junk food, music practise, bed times and all the usual things.

Don't get me started on relatives, though!

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