Allergy induced divorce, am I going to be the first one?

[Chandra]

What do you do when your husband is a liability? I have spent 2 days going from one store to another searching for glutten-dairy-soya-nut-free chocolates so DS doesn't feel the odd one out in tomorrow's festivities at his school, then I arrive home to find DS has cooked dinner using egg noodles! (DS is very allergic to egg and wheat too)

Other common mistakes include serving Nutela on toast because he didn't think almonds were nuts, or tuna mayonaise salad because he forgot that mayonaise had egg and tuna (FGS!!!) is a fish. He has cooked pasta with anchovies without realising they are fish or... forbid me to show DS' card of allergies to an Italian waiter (card was a translation of DS allergies asking if they had a "allergen free" dish they could suggest). He also eats the food in DS's lunch box even during trips, when the only safe food available may be the one we are carrying with us. Or even worse... almost always forget DS's epipens at home!

There are soooo many things that make me feel DS is not safe if left alone with DH, I know my marriage is a good candidate for a split (for this and other reasons) but... is there anyway to shake DH so he remembers that his forgetfulness may be fatal to DS?

I have had enough bad experiences that I'm a bit wary of meeting new people, is not as I can say "hello, my name is Chandra, and I'm geting divorced". However, there is a counseling service at work that I will use.

Muminfife, mumsnet have been great and many people have "jumped out" of the screen in other occassions, most people I met where based in/around London, and although I apreciate them a lot and consider them very good friends, they are a bit too far for the day to day things.

The thing is, as painful as it is, it is long overdue... As you have said, doing the right thing is sometimes the most difficult thing. This will be.

Chandra,
so sorry to read this.....not in your position, but can totally appreciate your frustrations...

I'm sorry, it's always sad when a relationship breaks down. I understand your frustration though. Could he not change his job? If he wasn't always away maybe things would improve.

Chandra really sorry...
I've been following your story for a while; you've had a lot to put up with, what with your ds's allergies, your nasty mil etc.

Any chance of a reconciliation, now he sees you're serious about the issues that concern you ?

Thanks for your posts, we have spoken 2 nights ago and even discussed the terms of divorce, he keeps promising he will change but we are always back to square one a couple of weeks later, so I'm in the wait and see phase but I think now he has been able to apreciate how serious I'm about this (finally!!!).

I think something that made him realise about how much at risk this was, was when he said I could not divorce him unless we have been separated for 2 years, to which I replied that his mistakes regarding DS allergies would look bad enough in paper as to guarantee a quick divorce by unreasonable behaviour. He seems to be making an effort, although as I said, I'm still very wary about things.

Chandra,how awful for you.
What a selfish man.

Maybe a separation would frighten him enough into changing his ways.

Protecting your child from all the scary risks in the world is one thing but having to protect him from his own father is outrageous.

Chandra I really feel for you. My dh and I are both the most chaotic easy going people and our children have allergies, (dd having serious peanut) it was so stressfull coming to terms with it all and so against our natures to be as fussy as we need to be now
Of course it's me that takes the responsibilty though. Dh works and lives 500 miles away and comes and goes. He is entertaining when he's here...but he always forgets the epipen! now I am 37 weeks pregnant and dh is off to Pakistan but his mum is ill so I'm alone when I need him again but I know it can't be helped.

I really really hope you can get your dh to understand how serious things are.
Getting divorced would be a terrible upheaval for you all when a much smaller change of his attitude could solve things..

It is years from this thread but for some unknown reason I feel the need to update it...

Well, a couple of weeks after my last post we went abroad and on the flight back DS had a reaction to peanuts. He didn't even put peanuts near his mouth, just put his hands on a suface that had peanuts crumbs. It frightned us beyond belief.

DS's father became more careful after that.
HOwever, on the same day, when he rang his family to tell them about what had happened, SIL inlaw was adamant that no matter what DS was not to bring his special food to her wedding (didn't want a different plate on the table) so... I divorced his family, which eventually also brought up our own divorce.

We have not been together for almost a year now and I can say that this last year as a lone parent, has been a fantastic one

tHANKS FOR THE UPDATE, SO PLEASED THIS HAS WORKED FOR YOU.

(sorry caps lock)

I don't have any useful insight to add but I did pick up on this comment

"DS's birhtday is next saturday, which H is going to miss because he is going to Japan on the same day, not because he needs to be there on Sunday, but because he wants to have some rest before a meeting on Monday"

When you take long haul flights (I assume this is long haul but let me know if I am wrong) to go to a meeting you are expected to function well - to sparkle - at that meeting. If you go to it straight off the plane without any time to adjust you will be INCREDIBLY sluggish and you will not function at all. It's expected of you to do well and make a positive contribution. So I don't think you can blame him for needing to rest - seems fair enough to me.

well done you, you sound well shot of him (and his family, wtf was his sil on???).
glad you and ds are succeeding safely just the two of you

Chandra, it's good to hear from you again.

I don't think we ever chatted but I remember your original post - it came just after my ds1 was diagnosed w. dairy and nut allergy. I was just at the stage of banishing all nut products from our house and training up friends and family to keep him safe. Thankfully they were considerably more co-operative than your ex-dh.

How is your ds doing? Any sign of outgrowing any of his allergies?

Am glad you are enjoying life as a single parent and can quite understand why you felt it was a necessary step.

I do wonder if those of you with dh's who ignore the problem should involve your dh with planning your dc funeral and when they question what on earth are you talking about, tell them it's because they are going to kill them one day soon because of them refuses to take their allergies seriously!!!

Chandra I'm glad that you and your ds are having a great life together as for your SIL - I hope she doesn't have dc with allergies

DS and I are doing great, thanks for asking.

DS is outgrowing some of his allergies, but unfortunately has developed several more. No need to say I would have liked for them to go, but they are still here, and there is not much more we can do about them... but out of all this I am seeing a little person learning to cope with it all in an amazing way. I'm very proud of him and the person he is becoming.

sounds similar to our household!! and the in laws..arrgh

Rub him down with poison ivy or oak....then put a bag over his head and strangle him until he passes out.
(not really but tell him that IS what it is like to come close to dying from anaphalatic shock....allergies aren't anything to play around with)
If he doesn't "get it" then...divorce him because he will end up killing someone.
If you have another child the chances are just as good (even better actually) that they will also suffer from some allergy. The degree may be better or worse but him subjecting your child directly with what the allergy is is like a death sentence playing russian roulette.

Or in your case, I guess rubbing down and strangling his family would be more accurate.
So sorry you had to divorce. So sorry it took that long for him to come around to seeing things as they are.
I hope your child outgrows all his allergies.
I wonder how your SIL would have felt with an ambulance and possible death at her dinner reception? Some people think only of themselves.

glad you're both doing well.

Sorry to bring back a bad memory but can I ask about the reaction on the plane? Did you use an epipen and if so did it work quickly? I'm concerned because we've booked a long haul flight.

Tatt - what airline are you flying with? only last time i was on long haul virgin flight they specifically announced that there was someone on board with a nut allergy and that they were not going to serve nuts and that noone else was allowed to eat nuts - they were very good about it. I didn't realise at the time how grateful I should really have been for their approach!

Chandra - it's really great that you got your life sorted out with DH - his family sound like self absorbed numpties.

I think fathers are in denial that there is anything "wrong" with their child.
DH insisted I did not have any allergies, rather that I was a hypochondriac! And that when DS reacted to me kissing him after eating peanut butter - his welts were in my imagination and he was not allergic!!
We have had the tests now so it is conclusive. Dumbass.

My son doesn't have a fatally severe allergy, tho he is very intolerant of fish and has violent reactions to it (facial swelling, all over rash, projectile vomiting etc). I've lost count of the number of times I've had to shout at remind my friends and family as they're about to serve up fish fingers to him for lunch...... People just don't GET it.....

Tatt. just seen this. The only thing I can say is... that you know more about Epipens than I do (actually, most that I know I learned it from you).

My only advise for a long haul flight would be to take all the paraphernalia with you. I don't remember if your girl reacts by skin contact too, and if so, I would take the following with me:

-Desinfectant towellets to wipe surfaces around you, a small blanket to cover the seat, I carry both medical kits with me on my hand luggage now (4 epipens, 2 bottles of piriton, etc (remember to bring it in bottles of less than 100ml all in transparent small ziplock bags), Some snacks in case the food is not what you ordered (it did happen to us on that flight too). It helps to get the medical notes too, in someway it gives you credibility in the security checks and allows you to bring the epipens in, and in our case, those notes helped the doctor who happened to be onboard to know what to expect.

The stewardesses were fantastic, so where the doctors on board and other epipen users who poured in to give advice.

Please don't forget to ring the airline to tell them about the allergy, write down when and who did you speak to, remind them at the check in, remind them at the gate, ask to talk to the senior stewardess as soon as you board the plane. The sooner the message is given asking people not to consume their own nut products onboard, the safer the environment will be, but keep an eye on things, peanut crumbs can be laying here and there (Not trying to scare you up but... it was crumbs on the floor that caused DS' reaction)

Hope that has helped (I know that it may not make it easier but some precautions pay by, we have taken DS on trips abroad in many other ocassions since that trip and things are becoming much easier.

Good luck,

Chandra