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Allergies and intolerances

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Original poster

Allergy induced divorce, am I going to be the first one?

75 replies

Chandra · 13/12/2006 19:48

What do you do when your husband is a liability? I have spent 2 days going from one store to another searching for glutten-dairy-soya-nut-free chocolates so DS doesn't feel the odd one out in tomorrow's festivities at his school, then I arrive home to find DS has cooked dinner using egg noodles! (DS is very allergic to egg and wheat too)

Other common mistakes include serving Nutela on toast because he didn't think almonds were nuts, or tuna mayonaise salad because he forgot that mayonaise had egg and tuna (FGS!!!) is a fish. He has cooked pasta with anchovies without realising they are fish or... forbid me to show DS' card of allergies to an Italian waiter (card was a translation of DS allergies asking if they had a "allergen free" dish they could suggest). He also eats the food in DS's lunch box even during trips, when the only safe food available may be the one we are carrying with us. Or even worse... almost always forget DS's epipens at home!

There are soooo many things that make me feel DS is not safe if left alone with DH, I know my marriage is a good candidate for a split (for this and other reasons) but... is there anyway to shake DH so he remembers that his forgetfulness may be fatal to DS?

OP posts:
mrssnoah · 13/12/2006 22:48

What if you ferret away all the allergy foods and provide a big box labelled dh's snacks on kitchen units?
That way he really has no excuse and if he is feeling'neglected' he feels his problems are solved?

Heartmum2Jamie · 13/12/2006 23:13

All of ds's food is in one cupboard that is totally dedicated to him, so there would be no excuse for dh "forgetting" or not being able to find the food. I do come across dh & ds1 wanting to try or eat ds2's food, which can be extreamly annoying as we all know that some of this food is hard to come buy and downright extortionate in price sometimes. Ds2's newest love (bear in mind he is the worlds pickiest child, lol!) is little pressed fruit sticks called humzingers, by sunsweet. I can't tell you how many times I have caught dh or ds1 eating them in the last 3 weeks . I wouldn't mind, but there are 10 x 15g indvidually wrapped packets in each box for something like £1.75

Unfortunately, ds2 is reacting to something again and we know thing that he may be reacting to even small amount of soya, when he could tolerate it before, so it is looking like his tru-free biscuits will need a new home soon.

clerkKent · 14/12/2006 12:33

Chandra, it sounds like your dh is in denial. Emotionally, he cannot accept that DS (1) needs special foods and (2) may die with the wrong food. Perhaps DH is relying too much on you to check up on him (DH), rather than taking responsibility himself.

Does DS ever end up eating the wrong food as prepared by DH, or do you always manage to intervene?

Original poster
Chandra · 15/12/2006 01:58

I have the separate cupboard, I try to keep the kitchen as free from DS's allergens (we all eat the same food to avoid mistakes, and the few problematic food that makes it in, it's brought by H).

I really hope your child is not developing soya allergy Heartmum2jamie, it is a pain to find soya free food, but the "positive" part of it is that, from what I have read it's never anaphylactic. (although considering DS has more than 10 times the limit to be considered allergic to it we are, or better said, I am, careful with it).

I had a word with H today, I told him about the stress his forgetful actitude is causing me and he told me that he was like that and I had to learn to live with that!

I have told him that if he was not prepared not to risk killing his own son with his mistakes I was not prepared to risk DS's life by having him around. Worst thing of it is that I'm not emotional about it, is not something I splurted in the heat of the moment, I really mean it. I don't know how to go about it but I definitively don't think we have any future together.

And yes ClarkKent, he is in denial, but I'm the neglected part, we hardly speak to each other, he travels a lot and the rest of the time he is in front of his computer, just fascinated with his own work, he says we are fine, no problem, but doesn't seem to care that I disagree with him and I have been talking about a separation for months.

OP posts:
WethreebobKings · 15/12/2006 04:30

Would divorce be worse - what about access?

kernowcat · 15/12/2006 04:48

sorry to slightly hijack but I have a box of humzingers I bought for my dd. She refuses to eat fruit in its natural form. She said it was like a dog chew, We don't even have a dog?

I would love to give a neglected box a home. contact me and I'll send them to your DS from an elf!

MWH · 15/12/2006 09:53

DH read this thread over my shoulder and said, 'I'd probably do the same things as her DH,'
I said YOU DO! He ate all the safe snacks we took on holiday (I'm BF and DD can't have amimal milk). He brings me tea with milk. he does try really hard, but doesn't think.

A friend also gave her a spoonful of ice cream , after we'd just had a talk about how much I missed ice cream and couldn't have it due to DD's intolerance. 'Oh! I forgot!' she said. In 5 min?

Heartmum2Jamie · 15/12/2006 10:40

Chandra, I am sooo sorry to hear that things have got to that point between you, but I feel that if I were in your situation, with the severity and complexity of your ds's allergies, I would find his behaviour completely unacceptable too. I also think that threebob has a good point about access. I doubt that you would feel comfortable allowing your ds unsupervised visits with his father if his attitude towards his wellbeing is that bad. I feel for you and just wanted to send some big hugs (((())))

Heartmum2Jamie · 15/12/2006 10:45

Kernowcat, had to laugh at your dd saying they were like dog chews (we don't have a dog either, lol!) They do look a bit dog chew-ish! Shockingly, ds2, who eats no fruit apart from the odd banana or raisins.

I don't know how to contact people from here, but my email is connorsmum2001 @ hotmail . com

jingleboobs · 15/12/2006 10:46

this happened to my sil but shes a stupid cow any way but it was her main reason for her divorce

there is a silver lining tho since they got divorced my bil has bucked his ideas up and has been fab

Original poster
Chandra · 16/12/2006 12:16

Thanks for your replies. It seems that the last conversation had a bit of an impact on DH, he seems to have taken some of my points onboard, lots of work to do to re establish trust but at least he seems to be trying. Now, he has just gone out with DS and.... the epipens are...here

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Original poster
Chandra · 16/12/2006 12:18

Heartmum2jamie, I have just realised you are Connorsmum, I think you we talked a lot when I first joined Mumsnet 3-4 years ago

OP posts:
Heartmum2Jamie · 16/12/2006 22:35

Lol Chandra! I didn't think anyone would notice I disappeared, but along came ds2 and a name change after his diagnosis when I was mainly using the special needs board. Have I really been using the boards that long already

I am glad that your dh seems to have taken on board some of the things you said and hope that he continues to try and do better by you both.

christie1 · 18/12/2006 19:56

I dont' have this problem. My dh won't give our dd anything unless I have approved it. Sometimes, it bugs me that he doesn't take the responsibility, but actually, I prefer it if he is unsure to wait. So often, she comes home with the treat and dh doesn't let her eat it until I have said ok. He is so scared of making a mistake. I do try however to keep him informed and involved. I show him everything I read about allergies, and talk about food choices i make etc, things that happen at shcool. Maybe if you dh talked to your family doctor or allergist and was made to understand the risk he is taking.

Original poster
Chandra · 11/02/2007 12:05

HE HAS DONE IT AGAIN!!! He forgot the epipens in the care even when he spend all the day speaking about incoming snowfall.

And on top of that, took DS out into the cold for 2 hours when DH had a chesty cold. I have been left to deal with the asthma attacks, on my own, for 3 days because as usual... he was away...

Where do I sign???

OP posts:
Original poster
Chandra · 11/02/2007 12:06

in the car

OP posts:
Original poster
Chandra · 11/02/2007 13:52

oh... and I have just asked him to move out...

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Muminfife · 11/02/2007 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Heartmum2Jamie · 11/02/2007 20:48

Chandra, I am so sorry that it has come to this, but you have to do what you feel is right, especially when it comes to the health and wellbeing of your son. I think that you have been more than fair with giving him warning and chance after chance to change. Big hugs to you and ds.

Original poster
Chandra · 12/02/2007 00:59

I'm feeling sick but...I know is the right decision, delaying it would only make things worse.

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nearlyfourbob · 12/02/2007 02:45

Muminfife - my FIL does the same with the foods that cause his migraines. He says he doesn't want to be rude - but how is it rude to just say "I'm sorry I can't eat that, but I'm not hungry anyway (small lie), I'll eat later."

alipiggie · 12/02/2007 04:25

Chandra just seen this. I'm so sorry. Remember I'm nearly always on msn if you need to chat. Take care.

mymama · 12/02/2007 06:20

Chandra to hear this. YOu have to do what you feel is right and to help protect your ds. What was his reaction when you asked him to move out?

Further to the original post - my ds was allergic to fish but not tuna or anchovies. Has your ds been tested for tuna?

Original poster
Chandra · 12/02/2007 10:11

Well, there are so many things, the epipens freezing was sort of the last straw. He thinks he is doing a lot but the truth is that I spent most of the time alone, the very few times he is around he is either playing with DS or plugged to his computer. We hardly speak to each other, I deal with everything, and I can not really cope with extra work/risks brought upon by the person who should be most careful about it.

DS's birhtday is next saturday, which H is going to miss because he is going to Japan on the same day, not because he needs to be there on Sunday, but because he wants to have some rest before a meeting on Monday. I needed some help with organising a party (at least showing up to it!) but he won't be here.

To make matters worse, one near relative is dying, I'm desperate to go to say good bye but with all the trips of H, DS in school and some exams next week, I have planned to go for a couple of days in March and needed h to take care of DS because I'm afraid to take DS to my original city during this time of the year (windy season in a desert can only make DS's asthma worse). I have told him about this and yesterday when I was about to buy the tickets he told me he was going to be away on March again. So... considering I'm already a single parent with a clown who comes to amuse DS a few times a month... I'm calling it a day.

I need help, out of Mumsnet I'm practically alone, DS's asthma has been out of control recently, I hardly have any rest, I have begged him every day of the last 8 years to move to another area where things were not so difficult or we had a better network of support. But nothing, he just promises me to change and 2 weeks later he forgets.

And about what he said... well, not much but his taxi arrived and he left because he had a prospective client to see in Germany today. Obvioulsy, the client is far more important than his marriage colapsing.

OP posts:
PeachyClairColouredRoses · 12/02/2007 10:28

Oh Chandra I am sorry- sounds like you made a sensible decision based on safety though

Are there any single aprent groups your HV can put you in touch with, or you can find on the net?