They’re divorcing , he’s initiated proceedings but I know he’s sad …

[sleays]

Im seeing a man for the last four months. I am divorced, he is divorcing and nearly there. His wife is an alcoholic and has been for over ten years. Her health is in decline now and despite much treatment and support , seems to be in end stages of alcohol related disease.
Their children do not have a relationship with her and their adult children have their base at his home. He moved out a few years ago.
He loved his wife very much and adored family life but years of alcohol related damaging behaviours towards her, he children and him led him to leave eventually.
I see he’s sad at times and says that we will always live her but has to divorce in order to salvage some happiness in his own life.
Their children cannot stand her and refuse to have any relationship with her but that said, they suffered and witnessed more than any child ever should have to.
my question here is probably help to understand him
and his mindset. He bears no ill will towards her generally but mourns his marriage and family life.
we are having a lovely time getting to know one another but I’m struggling to make sense of it all as I have no experience regarding alcoholism and its effects on the family and marriage. He’s never once given out about her , only to say that on one or two occasions he did get upset at home with frustration.
Inasked him that if she stopped drinking and asked for their marriage to try again what would he do. He said firstly that it will never happen but that he couldn’t ever go through it again.

He is still sad now and again though.
thanks for reading. I hope im
making sense.

Anyone please??

You haven’t asked anything so what do you want people to say? What is your question?

The only person who knows his mindset is him.

I am not sure what you would like people to answer here. Sounds like a sad situation. What are you wondering about?

Also not sure what you're asking, but it's a desperately sad situation that he appears to have handled admirably. He sounds like a very decent man to me.

Sorry. I guess im
truing to understand this and wonder g why he says he will always live her but yet is divorcing her

Because it's quite possible to love a person but not like what they do. Or their actions cause so many issues that they are impossible to live with. Everyone has limits on what they can tolerate.

When people stop drinking they don’t necessarily become that old person but a much better version - they can be quite changed.
My GP (doctor) described alcoholism as self medicating -so DP possibly sees her as a mentally ill person who hasn’t found the treatment she needs so he is sad about that.
i do know someone who was bright yellow with liver failure and given their last warning and I believe she no longer drinks so it is possible.
He must also be sad about his DCs - do they hold him partly responsible for their sad childhood -he could have divorced earlier?

I would certainly hang fire on eg marrying or moving in together - he and his DCs have a lot of trauma to recover from and a lot of sad regrets - also she might die, might stop drinking - more trauma for them

but adding that life moves on eg the DCs marrying, having babies so the family can put things behind them over time

Well, love is not enough.

In a marriage you also need decent behaviour, respect, kindness and putting your children first. She couldn’t give that so even if he does/did love her, it’s not enough.

Sounds like you need to do some reading up on alcoholism to increase your understanding of its effects on family life.

It must be very confusing emotionally for you as I suppose usually someone would have stopped loving their ex when they’re ready for a new relationship. But in his case it’s more tragic - I suppose it’s like dating a widower who lost a loved partner. You have to give space for the deep sadness and continuing love he may have for his past partner.

Thats not easy but it doesn’t mean he can’t fall in love with you in time. It shows that he’s someone who attaches deeply and takes responsibility.

If I were you I would take it slow and look after yourself. He and his family have a great deal of trauma.

Do you feel able to talk to him about how he feels about you/having a new relationship?

You can love someone but be so worn down by their behaviour that you can no longer be in a relationship with them, nor be able to get past the historical behaviour to see yourself in a relationship with them in the future. Love isn't all there is to a relationship.

Are you wondering if he is really in a place to move on with you? From what you have written, I would be wondering that if I were in your place. I'm afraid that only he can tell you that. I would proceed with caution if I were you.

Alcoholism is a truly awful disease and it causes suffering for both the alcoholic and their loved ones. I’ve seen this in my extended family - a divorce because they realised that alcohol will always come first with their wife and it will just cause pain and resentment. They loved her but realised she was very ill, it was never going to change and they either watched her kill herself with booze or left and made a new life for themselves . They decided they deserved to be happy.

Your partner sounds like he has gone through the same - if he’s made the decision to leave and his children are supportive then he deserves a chance of happiness with you. It might be worth exploring gently what happens when his ex-wife can no longer function - will he act as next of kin and oversee any hospitalisation/funeral? It will be very hard for him and his children. He sounds like a decent man, and if he makes you happy I hope it works out for you all.

First off I would wonder whether he's telling the truth about his wife. He may not even be divorcing her. He may be lying through his teeth. Yes I am cynical (guess how I know)

proceed with caution

He is definitely divorcing her . Why do you doubt his words ?

He will always love the woman he married. But the alcoholism means she’s not there anymore… her body is there but she is a different person now. Ravaged by addiction. That’s what he means.

Gosh it’s just so sad

Are you concerned that he still loves her and will always love her?

I understand t to a point. The woman he loved and had a wonderful life with for twenty years is unrecognisable now.
I feel that while he acknowledges her poor treatment of him and their children being solely attributed to alcoholism and while he could not continue to live that life or enable his children to be in that environment , he feels great sadness that their special bubble of family is gone.
He is a very caring and attentive man and treats me with utmost regard and respect. I feel like he really likes me and we do talk about the short term future. Eg months ahead
His wife is going to die however and his children already bear the scars and behaviours of abandonment and rejection so where do I fit into this .
The poor woman has lost everything and I think that ‘ there for the grace of God, go I .’

My husband and I divorced over forty years ago. I loved him, he loved me, but for other reasons our marriage could not work. Reasons, by the way, I'm not willing to go into on the internet.

I was sad, he was sad, but it was just inevitable.

He remarried, happily I'm told, I've had a couple of very meaningful relationships since too.

Being sad at the end of a marriage seems reasonable to me. You loved each other once, and May be always will. But in this respect the Beatles were wrong. Love is not all you need, there's a hell of a lot more, as the man you are seeing knows and was wise enough to do something about.

Thanks. Are there any books that you would recommend to help me understand and navigate this please?

For the reasons he’s given you. He’s divorcing her because she’s an alcoholic and he can’t live in that situation.

What do you mean about got upset at home with frustration?

I'll wave a red flag for you.

‘He did get upset at home and upset with frustration. Meaning that when his children became unwell or upset or angry or when his ex wife said awful things or rejected the children when they tried to help her , he got upset because he was frustrated with everything that happened to them and said .. why did she have to do this? Etc
Is that red flag for you ????

My point is -what form did the getting upset take?
If it was just upset, of course that's understandable.
If it was abuse or violence, then for me that would be an end it now issue.

So more info needed.

I'm a bloke, my ex was an alcoholic. A few years after I ended the relationship my ex went to rehab and was sober for a whole year. I was very pleased for her and especially pleased for our children as it meant she turned up for contact when she was supposed to. It also meant she didn't start arguments out of nowhere just because she'd drunk herself angry, she stopped being a chaotic mess, and generally became much less of a constant source of stress for me. It was great.

But as happy as I was to see her sober there was not one minute during that year where I thought about getting back with her. Addicts lie, lies erode trust, and without trust there's no relationship. I'd always be on edge waiting for her to start drinking again and for all the drunken bullshit and abuse to come back.

There's still a bit of me that loves her for the woman she used to be and for giving me our two wonderful children. But I couldn't trust her and that meant I would never, ever get back with her.

Emotionally upset.. sad