Scared it’s too late for me

[newme2025]

This week I’ve drank a bottle of red wine a night. I’ve had chronic diarrhea all week. I’ve just googled and it’s one of the early signs of liver damage. Today I also have a bad headache. I’m scared.

Have you tried AA?

The 12 step programme we follow is counselling programme so you spend a LOT of time working on your character flaws and changing how you see the world. If you go to meetings, phone other members outside of meetings and work with a sponsor it’s like a really intensive and free counselling that goes on for ever. I’m currently in my 12th year of attending regular meetings and I am a completely different person to who I was when I walked in.

But it’s hard and you have to be willing to try anything to stop as it includes facing some
often very uncomfortable truths in order to change and grow.

Thank you. Now I’m crying again. I just think I’m useless, completely unlikable and don’t deserve good things.

Come and join us on the Sober October thread.

Quit lit is very person specific - people drink for different reasons. Try downloading samples from Kindle to get a feel for what’s out there.

and I do strongly recommend therapy - you might need to try a few therapists find the right fit, and that’s normal. But changing the script you have in your head about what an awful person you are is the key here - you drink to escape yourself.

you drink to escape yourself.

Yes.

Why on earth dont you want it on your record? You need help more than anything else. That is number one. Incredibly important. You need to be strong and honest about your illness. And proper treatment for your depression.

That is the most common reason to be an addict. And it keeps addiction going. Self hatred feeds addiction.
Well done for starting this thread.

It’s NEVER too late OP.

There is definitely hope but you have to want it. Have a google at substance use services in your area. They are confidential and will not share any information with your GP without your consent.

There is far more help available than AA.

Substance use services (some) can also provide you with help, support and tools to deal with your trauma, self-esteem and confidence.

If you don’t mind sharing your town/city then I could have a look at a few for you?

I worry that the information will not be 100% confidential (who has access to our medical records?) and if it isn’t, that could have a devastating impact on other areas of my life.

I also don’t want it to affect ny sertraline prescription as it’s the only thing that really helps with my anxious thoughts.

Thanks. I’d just rather use this as my community for now - I don’t feel comfortable reaching out to people in real life.

OP, I was you several years ago - drinking heavily but afraid to ask for help as I didn’t want IT on any health record etc. Then when I did finally really need the help to, y’know, stop me dying, it turned out it had been on my record all along. Long story short, but when I went into rehab I had to take a printed-out summary of GP involvement (a patient summary, I think they call it) and every blood test I’d had over the last god-knows-how-many years had ALCOHOL highlighted on it. Even the ones when I thought I’d been really clever and abstained the day before having the test.

Ask for help. It is there, but you have to want it.

It wouldn’t affect any of your current medications so please don’t worry about that.

The NHS is a highly confidential service. It would not bleed into other areas of your life. The GP is there to help.

I know it’s hard but it only takes one phone call. That one call could be the start of you feeling better physically and mentally.

Please look up services and keep their numbers handy. Maybe one day soon you will decide it’s time to make that call.

I’ve had a few blood tests for other reasons in the past and have always been told they were normal.

If you get a liver test done privately does your GP find out?

I think it plays a part.

In my recovery meetings we talked about "harnessing" shame.

Just for me personally, getting sober for my general health and wellbeing wasn't good enough motivation.

Desperately wanting to stop doing things that made me want to tear my own skin off from shame was what did it.

It isn’t too late OP but you need to invest in wanting to do it. Is there another GP you can register with?

Alcohol killed my sister when she was in her 30s, she was functioning fine, caring for her children, until one day she wasn’t and the chaos took over. Her last few months were awful with social services involved and a lot of blame and upset. I’m not saying you’re near that stage at all but without knowing what’s going on with your liver it’ll be an extra layer of worry.

The other thing that may happen is that you end up admitted to hospital which will take the decision out of your hands about accessing the healthcare.

@newme2025 don't engage with people who think you can miraculously just stop or the GP can sort it out. It's so much more complex than that.
I stopped at age 59. Had drank since mid teens as a way to deal with trauma. What worked for me was This Naked Mind app. You can do a free 30 day programme. It absolutely made sense for me and helped me stop. I also listened to drink related podcasts and read various books (most I got from the library). And wrote in a notebook about my feelings and the incidents that had caused my drinking.
It's so hard but it's doable. Good luck and be kind to yourself, the loathing some people suggest isn't helpful.

@rumred thank you. I will look into that app, it sounds good.

Regarding the sertraline - can you set an alarm on your phone to remind you to take it?

OP, can I ask, what is it about having it on your medical record that you personally are afraid of?

I know why I was afraid that ‘they’ would know, but everyone is different and your concerns could be different to mine.

I can just tell you though, the RELIEF when it wasn’t a secret any more, when ‘they’ knew and were trying to help, was indescribable.

My anxiety just feels through the roof today.

I got some beta blockers from the GP. You take them as and when needed. Also a meditation on YouTube or insight timer helps bring anxiety down. It's horrible but can be helped.

Thanks. I’ve started sertraline again as of this morning but I know it can take a while to kick in.

Does anyone have any ways to calm diarrhea? I’ve had it for a week now, it’s horrible. Hopefully not drinking this week will help but are there any specific foods that might help?

Hi OP. There is a thread on here for those seeking to be alcohol free (as opposed to reducing/
moderating) - you might find that helpful? I’m sure you already know that alcohol stimulates anxiety-promoting neuro-chemicals - gaba and cortisol . So, as you suffer from anxiety, avoiding alcohol is a great step towards managing your anxiety. Taking your sertraline properly will help - and if it doesn’t, you’ll at least be able to discuss changes to your prescription knowing that you have been taking it as prescribed.

there is a massive amount of quit lit - I like podcasts as you can just stick them on when you want - out walking, doing chores, just as a background friend- and if you’re feeling wobbly, sit with one of them quietly to get through critical moments. Like the hours between 6pm and dinner(my particular trigger time) or when your partner starts drinking and you’re resisting joining in. Just go to Apple podcasts and stick ‘quit drinking alcohol’ in the search bar. loads will come up, some with episodes on alcohol-induced

Have you tried Greek yogurt/kefir for your digestive issues? Maybe stock up on some good nutrient-dense foods today so you can be taking care of yourself. How much are you spending on alcohol? Switch the expenditure to good food and /or another thing you really like to reward yourself for staying AF?

the NHS app will monitor units as well as whole free days. So helps you get into the details of what you’re drinking and when.

good luck. You are becoming addicted to an addictive substance, so don’t feel ashamed about it. You can do something about it.

I can tell you one reason why it matters, 8 years on, I struggle to get life insurance/mortgage cover because I chose to disclose it to my GP.
In the grand scheme of things perhaps not that important but it’s causing me a lot of problems. I could have gone through the same experience, but without telling my GP and they would be none the wiser 🤷🏻‍♀️
I wish someone had warned me about this to be honest.