Scared it’s too late for me

[newme2025]

This week I’ve drank a bottle of red wine a night. I’ve had chronic diarrhea all week. I’ve just googled and it’s one of the early signs of liver damage. Today I also have a bad headache. I’m scared.

Up until recently I was a bottle of wine a night drinker. It’s still a work in progress but I’m down to around a bottle a week now which will soon be down to no bottles a week.
I’d wake up with anxiety, feeling rubbish and I’d put on weight, I decided to do something about the weight which meant cutting out the wine. I feel so much better waking up on a morning with a clear head and having the energy to do things with DD.
I didn’t go to my GP as I didn’t feel I needed it but I do have quit lit books that I read and they help massively.
I don’t wake up wishing I’d had a bottle the night before but I’d often wake up wishing I’d not had the bottle the night before.
If you’re serious about stopping then you can do it

OP, different ‘drug of choice’ but for years I have had an on/off problem (currently off - for nearly four years! - and I intend for it to stay that way) with drugs. I have a nearly 5 year old child. I sought help when he was 1 as I knew I needed to get my act together. It was terrifying and, yes, children’s services did get involved for a while but the accountability that provided for me was exactly what I needed.
If you’re really committed to making changes, they will support you all the way and you, as I did, would be willing to jump through any hoops required.
You can’t do this alone - an addict alone is in bad company, as they say.
Not sure why you’re so dismissive of going to AA. The camaraderie and support from others who understood (I went to NA) was one of the things that helped me the most. You don’t need to do it all perfectly - I know I certainly didn’t! (How many step 4s I’ve done over the years is anyone’s guess…😂) - but honestly, having the support of other women (men attend as well but I always try and stick with the women) in recovery is vital imo.
If you are genuinely worried about the damage you are doing to yourself and afraid of your children growing up without you, then you must seek help from anywhere and anyone who can help. Find a new GP if you’re not sure yours will be supportive.
Its terrifying, yes but thousands of others have walked this path before you - many of them addicts and alcoholics of the ‘worst kind’ (the last time I got clean, long before my son was even a twinkle in his daddy’s eye, I had been street homeless, engaged in crime and prostitution, in and out of jail, but I got clean and remained clean for years, getting a job and being a constructive member of society. The relapse I had after my son was born, thankfully didn’t result in me going back down that far but it was still an awful time).
Also, you can now access online 12 step fellowship meetings (so AA/NA, etc) via zoom. You can ‘attend’ meetings 24 hours a day, all over the world- it’s actually pretty cool!) and you don’t have to share, just listen if you like and realise you’re not alone. The ones abroad, no one will know you - honestly they won’t even care who you are (in the nicest possible way!)
i wish you all the very best - this is all fixable, honestly but you will need to trust the process.
take care 🙏

Fgs
request a different GP

Op you are already backtracking just on this very thread

I’m not backtracking by disagreeing with your assessment of my situation. My DC are healthy, happy, well cared for and doing great at school. I asked you not to engage with me anymore, so please don’t. This is supposed to be a place of support but you are driving me away.

Frustrated op

on multiple other threads I have given you advice as have others. Exactly the same as on this one.

Your refusal to go to the GP basically says it all.

i will no longer post on any of your threads or response.

Good! Thanks for putting me in a crap state of mind just when I’m trying to make a change. Not what I needed.

Sorry I just wanted to add: I appreciate AA, etc isn’t for everyone. I just believe wholeheartedly that we can’t do it alone - even the fact that you’ve reached out for support here, shows you know that.
Please be kind to yourself OP. It’s so sad to read how you feel about yourself. I do get that feeling, it’s so self-destructive though. I believe those shit thoughts and feelings are your addiction trying to keep you where it wants you.
Wishing you all the best x

What if it is liver damage? It can be treated but you have to stop drinking.
If you see your gp, they can help you.
How does your partner feel about their drinking? Could you support each other?

'dont want it on my record' - FFS, who cares?! Prioritise your children!

Hi

Sertraline doesn't work on and off, it's not like paracetamol or ibuprofen. It takes time to build up and needs to be taken consistently else it can also lead to variations in mood. Can you put the packet next to your toothbrush or kettle? Something you use everyday and take it at same time ish every day eg with first cup of tea in the morning.

it doesn't sound like you're ready to quit but a unit logging app -they are free-May help you monitor and reduce your drinking.

Not too late at all. The liver has miraculous powers of recovery.
Please ask for help - you can absolutely do this.

You are not helpful. Go away.

I think you could do with counselling if at all possible. And you may find a community that can help you stop drinking - it works much better in company, support and solidarity.
You will feel unimaginably better.
8 years no drinking here.

a unit logging app -they are free-May help you monitor and reduce your drinking.

I have one of these. It tells me I’ve been sober for 98 days this year, but that means I’ve drunk on 202 days.

Making a pact with yourself to reduce consumption can work for some people, no alcohol until Friday sounds like an excellent first step, then please please do seek help for the underlying issues, changing gp if needed.

Thank you. I was hoping this would be my community.

I won't give any advice OP, you actually know what needs to be done. My son was an alcoholic and died 18 years ago. He always said he would stop drinking by 30. He was 29 when he died and never got to be the man he wanted to be.

Lots of people are being supportive here. I know from bitter experience though that, when you’re in the kind of space mentally that you seem to be, that you will only ‘hear’ the bad stuff.

Op, ignore this poster. Shame is clearly their stick of choice.

Can you afford some private therapy? To get to the root of why you feel you need to abandon yourself?

There’s some great quit lit out there too.

Knowing that Tuesday will be my 100th day sober if I don’t drink is something I can use for motivation.

Thank you. I’ve been looking into some audio books but not sure which is the right one for me.

Has anyone tried The Life Changing Magic of Quitting Alcohol?

Thank fuck for that.

Shaming people never works.

I would quite like to retry therapy. Last time was hard as I spent a lot of time weeping. It brought up so many difficult emotions.

Hi @newme2025 I haven't seen any of your other threads, so don't know if you have covered this before.
But what pops out at me is you saying that you drink because you hate yourself, and this goes back to childhood.
So something that happened to you as a child has made you hate yourself. I want to say this: if it happened to you as a child, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
You have learnt to hate yourself, and now this drinking is giving you another reason to hate yourself, proving to yourself that you don't deserve love.
So what I am trying to say is that you need to start loving your self, and being kind to yourself.
I do think that counselling will help you with unraveling the self-loathing, and seeing a GP will help with your physical symptoms, but you have to be ready for both of these.
So just start by speaking to yourself with love, treating yourself kindly, and telling that little child inside you that they deserve love, and definitely did not deserve whatever happened to them.
Take care 💐