I found an old note to myself

[Coffeeblanketandabookplz]

Morning everyone. Thought I would share something that happened to me today. So im 5 years sober, with a hiccup or two.

I have felt so peaceful and comfortable in my sobriety and the past few years have been amazing. Ive enjoyed holidays abroad (all inclusive with alcohol EVERYWHERE) with no alcohol - ate my weight in lovely food instead and drank coffees/mocktails. I have done Christmas drinking lovely hot chocolates instead of booze, early morning walks fresh as a daisy on Christmas morning, drank apple & elderflower juice throughout every summer etc.

But lately ive been thinking - I think its time i can enjoy a baileys at Christmas, a champagne to celebrate a special occasion etc. Ive been thinking fuck it i wasn't a full blown alcoholic, no day drinking, no staggering around drunk, no black outs. I wasn't a proper alcoholic I was just drinking too much. I dont need to be the weird one at special occasions that cant enjoy a glass of wine, I didnt even have to attend meetings so im just being weird and anti social for nothing. Im going to have a baileys at Christmas this year and let myself enjoy myself like everyone else!

Then I had to move my sim card to an old phone temporarily and was just looking through my "notes" section that I wrote at the very beginning of my sobriety 5 years ago

Here's what I wrote:-

Reasons I need to stop drinking-

1. Anxiety every day, health anxiety and anxiety when out of the house.
2. Legs feel weird every day and always dehydrated.
3. Drinking wine every night and feel anxious if i try to sleep without a glass.
4. Starting drinking while making dinner and hiding wine glass behind toaster from the kids
5. Can't sleep through the night, wake up at 3 or 4am feeling like im not real/feel very depressed/feel like someone i love will die.
6. Avoid events that dont involve drinking.
7. Writing cringe things on Facebook and so embarrassed the next day.
8. Making plans with people while drunk and then regret it the next day
9. Feel so doom and gloom in the morning and guilty

10. Feel so scared every day for no reason and anxious and only feel relaxed once ive got wine.

These were all things I had honestly forgot about/put out of my head when trying to rationalise that I wasn't a proper alcoholic - because i didnt drink in the mornings and because i was never staggering around drunk.

Here's my list now on all the good things 5 years of sobriety have given me

1. I dont suffer with health anxiety anymore (I thought this was down to my kids being older now but the alcohol was definitely a big part of this)
2. Im not an anxious person now. Im very outgoing, chatty and confident.
3. I sleep through the night every night and always wake up refreshed and content.
4. I do things I didnt do before - I go on long dog walks with a coffee and my friend, I go to the cinema, I go bowling/to mini golf/arcades etc.
5. Ive done holidays and had zero anxiety, I can chat to strangers sober and I dont overshare or say things i cring about later.
6. I now drive! And can drive my kids everywhere they need to go...at ANY time of the day/night (I couldnt drive at all during my drinking years as I had such bad anxiety) I am now a confident driver and im so proud of this one!
7. I no longer catastrophise about loved ones dying - this one was something that plagued me for years!
8. I am myself now - truly myself, im kind, thoughtful, quiet but more confident, im not cringe and im not flakey. If i make plans with someone its done in my right mind and I actually want to go and look forward to it!
9. Im healthier, my skin is bright,, im thinner and yet eat much more than I did before!

10. Im grateful that I am not owned by alcohol, I make my own choices and I dont need a substance to decide whether im going to have fun or be miserable.

Alcohol is so sneaky, here I am 5 years sober (6 in January) and I was about to throw it all away by gaslighted myself and telling myself I didnt have a problem! I am so so grateful I found that old list, I now know I would have slipped straight back into my list of reasons I need to quit! I just thought I would share incase anyone else was at the same point as me in their sobriety.

So Christmas for me will be the same as the past 5 Christmases- hot chocolate, fancy juice, nice coffees, fresh early morning dog walks, peace and contentment 😊

Thank you for this, it’s very welcome and amazing how with time we forget just how bad our drinking and the effects on us were.

I’ve had Periods of sobriety, years off at a time but l inevitably go back, I’m currently on day 14 again at the moment, but I want to experience what you have and I know myself how much there is to gain long term, so onwards and upwards and I’m really pleased that you are doing so well.

Thank you! I wish you the best of luck with your sobriety! In the early days I found reading on here so helpful. That's amazing you've done years at a time, so you already know youre well capable! Its crazy how with enough time we can forget why we stopped in the first place!

Well done OP, I would keep those lists forever.

I think that was a letter written at the time so that you would read it right now. It's a letter from your old self to you today. How many single that you found it. Huge congratulations on stopping drinking.

I’m 2.5 years sober now and awhile back I found a blog post I wrote almost 20 years ago (!!) about how destructive alcohol was to my life and how worried I was about my drinking and how I wanted to stop but didn’t know how.

I would have been 26/27 at the time. I stopped drinking at 42. It completely floored me because I didn’t actually think things were “that bad” until my late 30s. It’s amazing how much your mind can convince you of a different reality when something was so long ago. All sorts of horrible things had happened to me drinking, which I wrote about in the blog, that I totally have no memory of now. Not because of a blackout, obviously I remembered them to write about them at the time. But then I just forgot about them, glossed over.

Life is so much better without alcohol. Even when it’s shit, it’s less shit. You’re making the right choice to stay sober. No one ever goes back to drinking and doesn’t regret that decision eventually.

This is synchronicity at play! U were thinking of going back then came across an of note to yourself. The universe said na, ur not going back (if you believe in all that) but yes I do truly feel you were supposed to come across that note. My longest stint away from it was 10months, I was trying for a year but went back. Like you, I’ve never had an issue as such but it was creeping in more and more. I keep thinking I’ll start the journey again soon. The pull to not have hangovers is too appealing! Well done on your journey and your realisations about drink. I wish you well x

I think I meant to say "How significant that you found it now."

This is so relatable. Thanks for sharing

This is amazing thank you for posting. The driving part has really struck a chord with me because I wonder if I quit completely I will be a much more confidant driver, at the moment I hardly drive because of the anxiety. I am currently on day 6 alcohol free, I do plan to drink at the end of the month but will return to stopping for as long as I can throughout November and into next year.

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies! It really was a strange moment finding that note, and in perfect timing. I had definitely forgotten all the bad parts, or pretended they were as bad as I imagined. But it really brought back how deserperate I was at the time and how much I wanted to stop.

I definitely had a problem as I remember thinking to myself 'I wonder if I got pregnant would that force me to stop' so I had myself convinced I could only stop if forced. I also had terrible nights when I first stopped when trying to fall asleep - i would jump out of my sleep in a panick - this went on for a week or two, I wonder was this withdrawal? Who knows but now I sleep so peacefully and if I wake at night I dont go into a panick, I simply roll over and fall back asleep.

@IjustbelieveinMe I highly recommend giving it a good go and see how you get on with driving, I had my license YEARS and simply could not get behind the wheel because I was in a constant state of panick. I now drive daily and dont even think about it beforehand, whereas before I would keep checking out the window and convince myself of all the reasons I shouldn't drive. Its so freeing being able to drive around and collect my kids, makes me feel very proud of myself considering how I used to be x

I still have drinking dreams. And wake confused. Am I back in hell? It’s been a while for me now but still horrific memories. Day at a time etc

Well done. What a timely and real reminder. It's not being weird to avoid booze. Good luck.

Well done, op- such an impressive achievement. I definitely don’t think it’s weird not to drink- it’s admirable.

I think your list is so powerful because it’s so specific. That detail about hiding your glass of wine behind the toaster-I’ve never done that but I can remember not putting lemon in my G&T because I thought it would look more like a glass of water without it. Little sneaky things, well worth remembering because they are a window onto a whole mindset.

Good stuff. You’re right it’s a sneaky fucker. You get so used to life being normal without it that it can be hard to remember the shitshow life was before stopping. I’ll be joining you in a sober Christmas, 5th one here.

I’m just bit ahead of you OP - well done and thanks for sharing this timely reminder.

Alcohol is marketed as this tinkling, twinkling, sophisticated, sociable, and wonderful thing that pulls everyone together in a scene from The White Company catalogue.

BS. It’s a nasty, addictive drug that causes untold damage to people’s mental and physical health and costs our country and NHS a fortune. 8% of all breast cancers are caused by alcohol.

I occasionally think that one glass of white wouldn’t hurt (it’s ’The Wine Witch’ piping up - the voice of the addict part of me) but remind myself of ‘the 3.00am horrors’ and how devastated I’d be to have to start the day counter clock again.

No. ‘Just one’ is the gateway to a dark and dangerous maze - and there’s a chance I may not be able to find my way out again.

Congratulations on your five years of precious and beautiful sobriety - your life is day and night from how it was before. Stick with it. Stay away from that gateway, darling x

Amazing! I too wonder occasionally if I could have a glass of wine or a baileys (I’m 6 years sober) but this list is all I needed. I’m happier, healthier and aging better. And I enjoy all the sober things, and enjoy the little moments. I don’t go to pubs any more, but I love going out for dinner sober, and walking. I’m also quieter and more private, and I like that for myself.

you were meant to find that list, and I was meant to read this post.

@Coffeeblanketandabookplz thank you for your post.
Seems you found your note at the right time and I read your post (and the great replies) at the right time.
5 months af and I've never felt better. I was unlike you in that I did the daytime drinking, the falling about, the black outs, so stopping was definitely something I needed to do.
Off on my first af holiday tomorrow and I'm feeling confident, but if I have any doubts, I'll read this post.
Seems like we're all capable of an af Christmas, too. Af fizz is great for me, and I don't get drunk !!

Thanks for this OP.

I'm thinking it might be a good idea to start a Christmas af thread.
We could support each other with tips, advice, those small wins that are actually massive.
This will be my first af Christmas and I've noticed all the ads, etc. I don't feel tempted as I feel so good, but it is a tempting time I guess.
(Sorry @Coffeeblanketandabookplz for derailing - you've inspired me, that's all ❤️).

Thank you everyone for your lovely comments! It was the absolute perfect time to find this note and im so relieved I did, otherwise I would be starting back to day 1 no doubt after Christmas and I cant believe I forgot so many important reasons I had to stop! Just shows you that the number of years passing doesn't mean you are now bulletproof against the lure of alcohol.

A Christmas thread would be such a great idea @Goandygo I used to read many in my first couple of years and they really helped. I also used to search for thread about people relapsing at Christmas and regretting it or threads about people's nightmare hangovers and these helped me alot too!

My plans for Christmas are to walk the dog with my youngest son as much as possible - nothing nicer than a night time walk looking at everyone's Christmas trees! We grab a hot chocolate from the garage and take a long walk around all the streets.

I plan to treat myself to lovely starters/snacks from M&S and justify it with the money ive saved on alcohol!

I will get some lovely pyjamas and little things like face masks/eyebrow tints etc and have pamper nights.

I have plans with a friend to go to the Christmas Market and treat myself to something sweet at one of the stalls and a lovely christmassy coffee to carry around. And ill be driving 🚗 😁

I will be able to visit family at any time of the day over Christmas because im not drinking from lunch time (or breakfast time) and one Christmas night i will be on the sofa with a cheese board, watching the royal family Christmas special and stuffing my face with chocolate!

And ill be honest, this one may be horrible 🤣 but I absolutely love the smugness I get on boxing day pr new years day etc when im up, fresh as a daisy, hangover free and enjoying my first cuppa of the day looking at everyone's hungover posts 🤣

Also enjoy every minute of your holiday @Goandygo - let yourself indulge in good food and youll be so proud of yourself!

@Coffeeblanketandabookplz wow, your plans for Christmas sound brilliant.
When I'm on holiday, I'll journal and note down my own plans, but I am definitely thinking our Christmas thread should end on New Year's day, with a smug ( 🤣 ) celebration that not only did we do it, but more importantly, enjoyed it.

I will, thank you.
I know I'm going to be ok, because I haven't had that bitch the wine witch telling me alsorts of rubbish ( she has done this previously).

Bravo, OP. You should be really proud of yourself. You made my morning with this uplifting thread!

You sound exactly like me! I love going for a good meal and having a glass of coke with lemon then a coffee after. Walking the dog brings me so much peace and clarity - especially on weekend mornings, I always think about how my weekends used to feel hungover and riddled with anxiety! I have hot chocolate instead of baileys now and I love a ginger tea with cinnamon sticks and lemon/honey x