I found an old note to myself

[Coffeeblanketandabookplz]

Morning everyone. Thought I would share something that happened to me today. So im 5 years sober, with a hiccup or two.

I have felt so peaceful and comfortable in my sobriety and the past few years have been amazing. Ive enjoyed holidays abroad (all inclusive with alcohol EVERYWHERE) with no alcohol - ate my weight in lovely food instead and drank coffees/mocktails. I have done Christmas drinking lovely hot chocolates instead of booze, early morning walks fresh as a daisy on Christmas morning, drank apple & elderflower juice throughout every summer etc.

But lately ive been thinking - I think its time i can enjoy a baileys at Christmas, a champagne to celebrate a special occasion etc. Ive been thinking fuck it i wasn't a full blown alcoholic, no day drinking, no staggering around drunk, no black outs. I wasn't a proper alcoholic I was just drinking too much. I dont need to be the weird one at special occasions that cant enjoy a glass of wine, I didnt even have to attend meetings so im just being weird and anti social for nothing. Im going to have a baileys at Christmas this year and let myself enjoy myself like everyone else!

Then I had to move my sim card to an old phone temporarily and was just looking through my "notes" section that I wrote at the very beginning of my sobriety 5 years ago

Here's what I wrote:-

Reasons I need to stop drinking-

1. Anxiety every day, health anxiety and anxiety when out of the house.
2. Legs feel weird every day and always dehydrated.
3. Drinking wine every night and feel anxious if i try to sleep without a glass.
4. Starting drinking while making dinner and hiding wine glass behind toaster from the kids
5. Can't sleep through the night, wake up at 3 or 4am feeling like im not real/feel very depressed/feel like someone i love will die.
6. Avoid events that dont involve drinking.
7. Writing cringe things on Facebook and so embarrassed the next day.
8. Making plans with people while drunk and then regret it the next day
9. Feel so doom and gloom in the morning and guilty

10. Feel so scared every day for no reason and anxious and only feel relaxed once ive got wine.

These were all things I had honestly forgot about/put out of my head when trying to rationalise that I wasn't a proper alcoholic - because i didnt drink in the mornings and because i was never staggering around drunk.

Here's my list now on all the good things 5 years of sobriety have given me

1. I dont suffer with health anxiety anymore (I thought this was down to my kids being older now but the alcohol was definitely a big part of this)
2. Im not an anxious person now. Im very outgoing, chatty and confident.
3. I sleep through the night every night and always wake up refreshed and content.
4. I do things I didnt do before - I go on long dog walks with a coffee and my friend, I go to the cinema, I go bowling/to mini golf/arcades etc.
5. Ive done holidays and had zero anxiety, I can chat to strangers sober and I dont overshare or say things i cring about later.
6. I now drive! And can drive my kids everywhere they need to go...at ANY time of the day/night (I couldnt drive at all during my drinking years as I had such bad anxiety) I am now a confident driver and im so proud of this one!
7. I no longer catastrophise about loved ones dying - this one was something that plagued me for years!
8. I am myself now - truly myself, im kind, thoughtful, quiet but more confident, im not cringe and im not flakey. If i make plans with someone its done in my right mind and I actually want to go and look forward to it!
9. Im healthier, my skin is bright,, im thinner and yet eat much more than I did before!

10. Im grateful that I am not owned by alcohol, I make my own choices and I dont need a substance to decide whether im going to have fun or be miserable.

Alcohol is so sneaky, here I am 5 years sober (6 in January) and I was about to throw it all away by gaslighted myself and telling myself I didnt have a problem! I am so so grateful I found that old list, I now know I would have slipped straight back into my list of reasons I need to quit! I just thought I would share incase anyone else was at the same point as me in their sobriety.

So Christmas for me will be the same as the past 5 Christmases- hot chocolate, fancy juice, nice coffees, fresh early morning dog walks, peace and contentment 😊

Hi everyone! Hope everyone had a nice and peaceful Christmas 🎄 I've now completed another sober Christmas and I am so relieved and content.

Had a few moments of wondering if a baileys would be okay (once when putting my tree up and again when wrapping presents) but every time considered it, I asked myself do I want to wake up tonight at 2am riddled with anxiety? Do I want to go back down the road of daily health anxiety? Will a glass of Baileys (it wouldn't have been a glass) make this moment better? And instead I had a nice milky coffee and reminded myself of how much my life has changed for the better.

I indulged in some lovely food over Christmas instead. I think I walked the dog 5 times on Christmas day/night 🤣 because honestly sometimes it does get boring and that's okay. Its okay to be bored sometimes and it takes a while to learn how to handle the boredom. For me its walking or tidying. I drank ALOT of good coffee as well, caffeine is another thing I've grown to really love in my sobriety, but hey if it keeps me from drinking wine then it's okay by me.

I've also been reading more in the evenings and thats always good. I've had some stress im dealing with and let me tell you it would be a thousand times worse if I was drinking alcohol, as an anxious person, trying to manage stress while hungover is absolute torture, but now I deal with things by working through them instead of numbing things temporarily. I'm just so content right now in my life and I owe such a massive portion of that to my sobriety. Hope you're all doing well x

Hi @dev86 still ticking along thank you! Actually really enjoyed a sober Christmas - ate lots, ran lots and was able to drive so our Christmas day ended with a lovely light safari. I'm really enjoying not drinking!

@ValBiro I so agree! Life is just getting more interesting everyday - I've developed a lovely of running which is new and wonderful. Also loving being free of the wine witch! @dev86 sorry she's calling - have you played it forwards? I've heard that helps. I've realised I've spent twenty (f#cking hell!). listening to her and trying to moderate her so I'm done. No more. Realising that really motivates me - I don't want the next twenty years to be the same and I want to have many many more years which alcohol will not support.

Congratulations @88expertprocastinator I'm actually really looking forward to NY - we booked a meal out - normally I dodge any driving so it's quite a revelation, also chose somewhere with excellent mocktails - I'm looking forward to me virgin oina colada 🎊🎊

Well done that’s amazing! 👏 and once you’ve done a year… with all the events and special occasions a year holds… you know you can do anything. When I quit it was the start of December and I’d just got married so I did Christmas, new year, and my honeymoon within the space of a month so that really gave me a boost knowing I could handle big events straight away! I did a lot of cross stitch for something to do with my idle hands 😄

That is fabulous I’m so glad!! Waking up without a hangover never gets old. Being able to drive yourself to & from things and being totally in control of when and how you leave, never gets old! So well done on the driving and the light safari sounds like a lovely idea… might steal that for next year 💡 😊 well done on the runs too - getting back on C25K is one of my NY intentions! Xx

@ThistimeImdone and yes play it forward is definitely the way to go… I think that’s the best thing that helps and it is what I do I think now I don’t do it consciously anymore but underneath it’s definitely that which is happening. Because the romantic image of a glass of red wine doesn’t line up with the amount of times I’ve been violently ill after drinking too much of it. And even if I can have “a glass” only… at some point I’m going to overdo it and be back at square one. I know I can’t moderate… but do I even want to? even if I did have just one glass, the mental noise would not make it worth it for me… and how would that glass improve things for me? It wouldn’t. It would make things worse

I do alot of walking but would LOVE to get into running! I need to experience this runners high ive heard about! I must also try a virgin pina colada! Yummn

Whats everyone's plans for NYE/new years day? I usually do party food for the kids on NYE but the thought of party food is making me feel a bit sick!

I got some Shloer bubbly drink for Christmas eve but didnt enjoy it as for me it tasted a bit too much like prosecco and slightly triggered me a bit so I think ill stick with coke & ice, maybe some mocktails and i never drank actual cocktails in my drinking Years so definitely won't be a trigger - when I say trigger I dont mind it tempts me to drink, it gives me an instant anxious feeling and brings back old memories of drinking and makes me feel sad if that makes sense?

I may do a little afternoon tea rather than party food, with scones/sandwiches and desserts and then just have crisps & dips later on but not fully decided yet. We do the count down and then usually head to bed as alot of our neighbours who are drinking go out to the street to wish eachother a happy new year but when you are sober its not very fun having drunken neighbours hugging you and trying to have long conversations 🤣🤣🤣

New years day will be a nice long dog walk and roast dinner. Much prefer NYD over NYE x

@Coffeeblanketandabookplz I've wanted to get into running for years and years, finally managed it - this time I have a good friend who is runner so she's guided me which hugely helped. Game changers for me: running in the woods - I love it! Alternating running and walking when I started and then continuing to do so but listening to my body, music and good trainers. Now I'm hooked which is hilarious as I HATED it before 🤣 being sober definitely helps too. Using an app like Strava to help pace yourself helps too - when I push too hard I don't enjoy it as much so I make sure I stick to a certain pace roughly too.
I know what you mean re the taste and triggers, we had a trifle on Xmas day and it didn't have alcohol but the taste was too similar. I agree I don't love NY tbh I hate having to stay up until midnight 🤣🤣🤣 I love my sleep! Long dog walk and a roast sounds lush! I'm earmarking NYs day for a long river run - a favourite route of mine! And no hangover to ruin it 🤣🥰
What's everyone else planning?

New Year’s Day run sounds lovely, enjoy! How did you get on last night?

I did stay up until (past!) midnight as my husbands family is Russian and we always celebrate new year as it’s their Christmas equivalent. But up nice & early this morning (we have baby twins so they are a great alarm clock!) - even so I feel fine, I’m drinking peppermint tea, just did my workout and going to go for a walk later. Not sure what time everyone else will be up as they were on the Prosecco & vodka last night so there might be some rough heads this morning!! My niece was drinking baileys on ice last night, was tempted in the moment, but I stood strong!! Happy new year everyone xxx

@dev86 had a great evening, drank coffee and a coke and went out for a walk around 10.30pm, we never go walking at that time and it was absolutely freezing but great, realised domino's was open and grabbed a pizza on the way home. Home by about 11.30 and brought in the new year with the heating blasting to thaw ourselves out.

Had a lovely lie in today and now have a roast beef on for dinner and enjoying a slow day!

Must get some peppermint tea as I'm overdoing it on the coffee and I love a nice warm drink rather than cold drinks. Baileys was so tempting to me over Christmas as well, they really need to bring out an alcohol free version! Twins sound fun im sure they keep you on your toes Happy! My kids are all older now teens/preteens and I miss their younger years! Happy new year to you x

Late start here (canada) but up now and didn’t even occur to me to drink last night - Xmas and no baileys though was just sad…
woke up to snow and torrential rain about to start soon so gonna watch football later then settle in for 2.5 hours of Nuremberg!
oh and DH announced yesterday that he’s gonna try to do dry January so we will see how that goes (I’m keeping everything crossed)

Apparently twisst is a very good baileys replacement - maybe worth a try next year? I've been on the Christmas milk - it's barista cinammon oat milk. I make a latte with it, absolutely love it!

NY eve was fab thanks - went for dinner had a virgin Pina colada which some how tasted so boozy I didn't like it so had a pineapple juice instead!asleep before midnight which to me is a win