I found an old note to myself

[Coffeeblanketandabookplz]

Morning everyone. Thought I would share something that happened to me today. So im 5 years sober, with a hiccup or two.

I have felt so peaceful and comfortable in my sobriety and the past few years have been amazing. Ive enjoyed holidays abroad (all inclusive with alcohol EVERYWHERE) with no alcohol - ate my weight in lovely food instead and drank coffees/mocktails. I have done Christmas drinking lovely hot chocolates instead of booze, early morning walks fresh as a daisy on Christmas morning, drank apple & elderflower juice throughout every summer etc.

But lately ive been thinking - I think its time i can enjoy a baileys at Christmas, a champagne to celebrate a special occasion etc. Ive been thinking fuck it i wasn't a full blown alcoholic, no day drinking, no staggering around drunk, no black outs. I wasn't a proper alcoholic I was just drinking too much. I dont need to be the weird one at special occasions that cant enjoy a glass of wine, I didnt even have to attend meetings so im just being weird and anti social for nothing. Im going to have a baileys at Christmas this year and let myself enjoy myself like everyone else!

Then I had to move my sim card to an old phone temporarily and was just looking through my "notes" section that I wrote at the very beginning of my sobriety 5 years ago

Here's what I wrote:-

Reasons I need to stop drinking-

1. Anxiety every day, health anxiety and anxiety when out of the house.
2. Legs feel weird every day and always dehydrated.
3. Drinking wine every night and feel anxious if i try to sleep without a glass.
4. Starting drinking while making dinner and hiding wine glass behind toaster from the kids
5. Can't sleep through the night, wake up at 3 or 4am feeling like im not real/feel very depressed/feel like someone i love will die.
6. Avoid events that dont involve drinking.
7. Writing cringe things on Facebook and so embarrassed the next day.
8. Making plans with people while drunk and then regret it the next day
9. Feel so doom and gloom in the morning and guilty

10. Feel so scared every day for no reason and anxious and only feel relaxed once ive got wine.

These were all things I had honestly forgot about/put out of my head when trying to rationalise that I wasn't a proper alcoholic - because i didnt drink in the mornings and because i was never staggering around drunk.

Here's my list now on all the good things 5 years of sobriety have given me

1. I dont suffer with health anxiety anymore (I thought this was down to my kids being older now but the alcohol was definitely a big part of this)
2. Im not an anxious person now. Im very outgoing, chatty and confident.
3. I sleep through the night every night and always wake up refreshed and content.
4. I do things I didnt do before - I go on long dog walks with a coffee and my friend, I go to the cinema, I go bowling/to mini golf/arcades etc.
5. Ive done holidays and had zero anxiety, I can chat to strangers sober and I dont overshare or say things i cring about later.
6. I now drive! And can drive my kids everywhere they need to go...at ANY time of the day/night (I couldnt drive at all during my drinking years as I had such bad anxiety) I am now a confident driver and im so proud of this one!
7. I no longer catastrophise about loved ones dying - this one was something that plagued me for years!
8. I am myself now - truly myself, im kind, thoughtful, quiet but more confident, im not cringe and im not flakey. If i make plans with someone its done in my right mind and I actually want to go and look forward to it!
9. Im healthier, my skin is bright,, im thinner and yet eat much more than I did before!

10. Im grateful that I am not owned by alcohol, I make my own choices and I dont need a substance to decide whether im going to have fun or be miserable.

Alcohol is so sneaky, here I am 5 years sober (6 in January) and I was about to throw it all away by gaslighted myself and telling myself I didnt have a problem! I am so so grateful I found that old list, I now know I would have slipped straight back into my list of reasons I need to quit! I just thought I would share incase anyone else was at the same point as me in their sobriety.

So Christmas for me will be the same as the past 5 Christmases- hot chocolate, fancy juice, nice coffees, fresh early morning dog walks, peace and contentment 😊

Oh its absolutely marketed as twinkly and cosy and sociable isn't it! Every good thriller series/movie i watch i always notice how much the protagonist has a glass of wine in hand - in their million pound homes 🤣 but thats not the reality is it! You never see a glamorous looking scene of someone with end stage liver damage dying in a hospital bed!

We have a lovely Muslim family who live in our area and I used to often see them at the local park having family gatherings - a spread of cooked food in pots and desserts all laid out on a blanket and their kids playing and they were all drinking from a tea pot and not a drop of alcohol involved and I would always watch them and get so much joy. There would be a few family all joining them and it just looks so peaceful and they would all be laughing and eating and I would always think how different it looks to a family gathering involving alcohol as the main guest and kids told to stay out of the way. I know which party I would want to be at!

Ive had two party's at my home now with no alcohol and the main focus was good food and they were honestly amazing. Im very lucky that my family arent drinkers so no one attempted to bring alcohol. No cringe moments the next day or alcohol fuelled arguments 😊

Thank you so much for posting this. I am on my own sober journey with a few bumps in the road. Currently on day 17 after a nice 4 month dry stint earlier this year which I foolishly abandoned in favour of a few nights out. Didn’t take long to get back to daily drinking even after all those dry months. The lists will help remind me why it’s better to stay on the straight and narrow.

I am going to look out for the AF Christmas thread.

I feel inspired.

This thread is a complete joy to read.
thank you

@Coffeeblanketandabookplz thank you for sharing this, I was lead here from another thread today and your first post made me emotional, such an important lesson for all of us who have felt the pull of addiction.

Here's to a lovely sober, present christmas.

You should feel so proud of yourself, well done

This is so lovely, OP. What a brilliant reminder. I’ll be ten years sober next year and it’s been amazing. I actually do really prefer not drinking. But like you I’d started to think maybe I might go back to having “the odd one” in the future at some point. But why would I?? Just why? What would I be hoping to gain? Anyone who has got to the other side of the long battle that is quitting can see alcohol for what it really is. When people drink it just has an awful effect on them from the get-go. Here’s to a Christmas of feeling good and not having that awful craving feeling; not having the dizzy feeling when you’ve tipped over into ‘bad’ drunkenness; not feeling actually physically ill all day long from a hangover.

Well done OP! one thing that helps is to play the tape forward.

We always look back at alcohol for that singular idealised in the moment feeling- eg the elegant crisp white wine on a summers evening, the warm Baileys by the fire at Christmas but thats where our fantasy always ends hence FOMO.

What we should be doing is playing the tape forward because the crisp glass of white wine leads to another doesn't it, and oh may as well finish the bottle right? hmm, lets get some crisps too and maybe some chocolate, geez, I'm hungry. OMG has the wine all bloody gone? no harm in opening another one- lets dance! and text - I know! I will text that guy from work - I bet he's up for a laugh- he probably thinks I'm so sexy right now. texts and texts drinks and drinks falls asleep on the sofa

Then waking up in a panic at 3am with a feeling of utter dread, a mouth that feels like you ate a turd and a banging headache. On top of that, a panic attack looking at your phone and what you sent that guy from work.....oh no.

Thats the reality, so no FOMO - JOMO instead (joy of missing out!)

Thank you! Your post came at just the right time for me.Just over 6 months without drinking and today, I suddenly remembered the bottle of Baileys sitting in the kitchen. Why not? I thought. It's nearly Christmas. I'll be fine. One won't hurt... I was starting to argue with myself when I came across your post, and I remembered all my reasons for stopping and the good things that have happened since. I too sleep well now, have lost weight, don't worry about drinking, don't have to pre-load before going out, have more money, don't worry that my DC might need me to drive to fetch them from somewhere in the evening etc. I'm going on a holiday next month that I'd never have considered before because there will be days when no alcohol will be available. I'm not longer a slave to wine and it's wonderful to feel free of it. Thank you.

Thank you for all your lovely comments, and im glad my post has helped. It really was such a strange feeling finding that old note and im so glad I did.

I recommend anyone in the early days to jot down the reasons you are quitting, as time has a funny way of diluting feelings and you can start feeling nostalgic for past times of that first sip of crisp wine or being cosy with a baileys on Christmas eve.

You forget about the next morning feeling of dread, the dry mouth, shakey hands, 3am thirst, the heart palpitations, head spinning and worrying about your health. The only cure is another glass that evening after slugging through the day eating crap food and telling the kids to please just give you 5 minutes.

No thanks, ill sit with a hot chocolate and watch home alone with the kids, ill order a pizza and not feel guilty, ill walk the dog first thing in the morning and be back in time to cook breakfast and wake my kids up, feeling light, energetic, calm and relaxed. I dont need 5 minutes anymore when my kids want to ask me something or go to the park, my hands arent shaking and I can drink coffee without my heart doing flip flops, I can eat breakfast and be done until lunch time as im not battling waves of nausea throughout the day. I dont need the hair of the dog, ill have tea 🫖

Its the best way to live once you are fully in it, with little reminders now and then to never get back on to that round about!

Im going to do little up dates on here leading up to the Christmas period, to keep myself right and also share with anyone who may be struggling. I welcome anyone else who fancies it to join in now and then if you want to 😊😊 i love reading other people's stories x

@Coffeeblanketandabookplz brilliant post. How fortuitous that you found that note! DM will be 48 years sober in January. As well as her own recovery, in that time she’s done masses of work with addicts and genuinely believes that once you’ve had a problem, you can never again drink/drug again “a little bit”. So, she’ll be on San Pelligrino again, and loving the life she nearly threw away. As will you!

Great post. I’m 10 months af and have been wrestling with whether to have an occasional drink at some point. I feel a bit sad to think I will never ever have another glass of wine! I’m also torn cause I love my new life and the new me. I’ll take your advice (and accept the ridiculousness of celebrating being af by drinking!) and put all my energy into enjoying my first af Xmas.

Well done on 10 months! Of you do choose to stay sober i recommend doing something nice to mark the one year! I had a hike and celebratory flask of tea at the top! Felt absolutely amazing - my yearly mark is 1st January so it was a brilliant way to bring in the new year 😀

Don't get me wrong - sometimes it can feel boring, I remember seeing everyone on my Instagram cheers'ing on new years eve with glasses of champagne and I did feel a bit shit (i dont really like new years eve anyway, it always leaves me feeling down whether drinking or not) but that moment of boring was worth it for the feeling of self worth and smugness 😆 on new years day, up fresh as a daisy and bracing the cold and I got a really great photo that day!

I tend to mark all occasions now with good food - ill spend extra on fancy food and tell myself i would have spent it on alcohol anyway. Christmas will of course be the same, with people showing glittery lights as the backdrop to a cocktail or wine etc and I will feel a little something - but ill take that feeling over a hangover any day!

48 years is amazing! Im sure youre so proud of her! Ive read many a post on here about people struggling with their mum or dads alcoholism so you are definitely one of the lucky ones! And amazing she is now helping others!

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am currently at day 11 of being sober and it’s an inspiration to be honestly.

I was more of a “social events” drinker but would often drink till I was black out drunk and can’t remember a thing, which looking back is quite scary. I’m actually off to make a proper list now and keep it somewhere I can see it to keep me going when it gets tough

@mindutopia
’even when it’s shit it’s less shit’
Brilliant and so true.
I’ve been alcohol free for 10 years. I honestly think that it’s a poison now and I regret that I used it so much to try to regulate my emotions.
Well done to the OP and love to everyone at any stage of their alcohol free journey - especially at this time of year x

Hi all,
I just found this at the right time! I've decided today that I'm done. I've been done on and off for years and then fall into the "I can moderate it's fine" trap but really drinking everyday even if I stop before I do the bottle 🤦 (to show myself it's not a problem) is not moderation. So it's time and I really want it to be but then yes, Xmas alcohol free feels a bit 😬 I've already stockpiled 4 bottles of fizz 🤣🤦 but I'm so tired of feeling crap, knowing I can chose a different way and not..so I'd like to join and I'd definitely like sober support and ideas for an AF Xmas -and I shall gift the fizz so it's gone 🤣
And thank you @Coffeeblanketandabookplz your list is exactly what I needed to read ❤️

Followed your advice about substituting nice food and when out the other night we ended the evening by going to a fancy dessert shop. Had an incredible dessert for £15 which would probably have been the price of a cocktail, and no hangover or guilt to deal with ….

Amazing!!! And I bet you felt great the next day with ho hangover! Ill be treating myself to some fancy food over Christmas and i cant bloody wait!! Well done 👏

I’m so glad I read this. Well done so much, and thank you for sharing. It was 7 years for me at the start of December (minus two halves of Guinness, a glass of Prosecco and half a bottle of ale consumed at random intervals during my first pregnancy of all things in 2019!)… my life sober has been unbelievably better and totally resonated with all the points on your list

But I realised I also had the wine witch talking these last few days… I opened a bottle of Baileys to sniff it…. I was sniffing red wine at another point (my poison of choice back in the day!) and I just realised all over again…. It’s just no. It has to be no. It’s just not worth it xxx

You’ve been doing amazing. 10 months is fabulous 👍 you’ve almost seen through a year and all the ups and downs it brings.

one thing that helps me is not to think in terms of absolutes - I can’t say if I will never drink ever again. Perhaps I will drink tomorrow! But I know one thing - I’m not drinking today. Not today. If I feel like it tomorrow then I will 😁 but today, I don’t want to

It’s like the old AA dogs have tattoos of… ODAAT. And it is so so true xx

How did you get on? 🩷

Well I made it through without drinking - a couple of times where I’d have quite enjoyed one but I just swatted the thoughts away and had a cuppa. So this year have conquered holidays, birthdays and Xmas sober - only nye left to go.
@ThistimeImdone my house is FULL of booze (DH still drinking). It does not and never has affected me - I just decide that I’m not drinking that day (thanks for the reminder @dev86 ) - I actually make a sort of pledge in the morning. You sound like I sounded when I quit so please believe that you can stop anytime you choose.

Baileys is basically a pudding flavour though isn't it, so I understand the pull towards that at Xmas. A lot of Bailey's flavoured chocs and the extra thick cream and things contain negligible alcohol if you want to scratch the itch.

6 years sober over here. These posts resonate so much! Thank you for sharing, OP.

My Xmas days and New Year's Day since sobriety have consisted of parkruns and early morning walks too. Not drinking has been the most free-ing thing ever. I would never ever go back to that darkness. Nothing tastes as good as sober feels! To misquote Kate Moss!