Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

@Nogoodusername gosh so sorry, could you call 101 I wonder and ask some advice? Sounds like you’d have grounds for a harassment / non molestation order (though I am no expert, I just can’t believe this behaviour from him should have no recourse, sounds similar to stalking) This is an ex, right?

Yes, he’s my ex @Addictforanex. I went no contact in July and his behaviour was awful. I was definitely one more day away from making a police call when he stopped. I’ll see how this latest crisis plays out. He seems not to mind being on unread, but blocking is like red rag to a bull

When my ex-DH did that (emailing, texting phoning work etc) I gathered the evidence and gave it to my solicitor. They sent him a letter telling him to desist immediately and that put a stop to the worst of it.

Can I have a Sunday morning rant please:
I just HATE ex, I really do. I hate the lies. I hate the denial. I hate the poor me. I hate the lack of responsibility and accountability. I hate that he won’t put in the hard work consistently to be able to be a Dad again to his two daughters. I hate that he thinks everyone should accommodate him and make his life better by not putting boundaries in place so that he can continue to use without consequences. I hate his narcissism. I hate his delusion. I hate that we are all just pieces on the chess board of his main character self and addiction.

I also hate the havoc that addiction wrecks on peoples lives. But mainly today, I just hate ex.

@Nogoodusername that is an excellent rant. It sums up life with an alcoholic in a few pithy phrases. I salute you, and i hope it made you feel better.

hi fives @Nogoodusername

its the lies that get me - the complete denial yet when we all know they are drinking

im not at the hating stage yet. Im just neural - dont care anymore - def don’t love him

yet I did

how old are your daughters ? How do they feel about him ?

@Penguinsandspaniels the lies, OMG the lies. I don’t actually know why they bother sometimes, when we know the truth. It’s a waste of words. Also people see ex, he still messages me, but apparently what he says on a Tuesday didn’t happen by Thursday.

Thankfully his children are with his ex wife. Both late primary. But as the child of an alcoholic, I hate him on their behalf. They are really sweet and lovely girls.

Oh you are second wife and step mum - did 1st one leave him due to drink

I am so ashamed to say this, but yes she did. And idiot me believed him that actually she was controlling and emotionally abusive and he didn’t really have a problem, and was just self medicating because of his unhappiness.

He kept up the functional act for a year, and then like all of them, couldn’t function any more.

Rant away! It’s a safe space here and most can 100% relate!

I’m taking my children to see their dad for a day during Oct half term. He hasn’t seen them for 17 months. I thought I’d better offer as we are traveling to the nearest big city to where he lives for a long weekend. As we were planning the trip I asked the DC if they wanted to spend a day doing a trip to visit him (and would be some wider family aswell including their grandparents - his parents) and the both said yes and got quite excited about the idea, although it hadn’t crossed either of their minds before I mentioned it.

I’m a bit nervous, for them, for me. He’s pretty unwell - though sober apparently - apparently was in hospital for a week recently in and out of a coma because of a liver infection. His parents are low level hostile to me as they have been sucked in by his BS and blame me for how much of a mess he became - it was my fault for leaving him apparently, lots of handwringing about wedding vows and “sickness and in health”. It will be a day to tolerate and I can hold my head high that I retain the moral high ground. I’m making all the effort to get us there (he’s too ill to travel), paying to get us there (I get zero child maintenance) and will play nice when there even if I am hating every minute.

We didn’t get married. Be there, done that! So at least there is none of that shit to do. That would enrage me even more

Awww @Addictforanex that sounds daunting. I bet you will be glad when that is over. You are really kind and generous to facilitate contact and screw the former ILs if I can be so blunt. They will have had absolutely zero idea about what you had to cope with during your marriage, what impact addiction will have been having on your children, and how quite frankly we can only save ourselves sometimes.

Be grateful. Divorce is costing me

you can walk away and esp if no kids

That’s why I am so angry with nyself @Penguinsandspaniels. I am so free to walk away and yet I cannot fully liberate myself from this hell

@Nogoodusername even partially liberated is an excellent start. Be proud of yourself that you've got there. The rest will come.

I will try again this time to go completely no contact. I lasted two months last time, got drawn back in by home detox, and here we are - all the bullshit

@Addictforanex I hope your trip goes okay. Ignore any digs from the ILs. There's nothing in the marriage vows about sacrificing your own and your children's health and happiness. You know you've done the right thing by leaving and that's all that matters.

This was my situation - stupidly believed him and so slowly, the behavior started to change...I wasn't string enough to end things am so here I am. Really only got myself to blame!

Don’t blame yourself. They are conniving and liars and we want to believe them as love them and hope they stop

Addicts are master manipulators and until they start to spiral are also excellent liars. It's a survival tactic that they need in order to be able to continue their addiction whilst maintaining a more or less normal life that allows them to look like there is no problem. They're also masters of gaslighting - I let my husband do it to me for years and never even knew it was happening until one day the blinds just fell off.

I remember at some point realising that my Mum didn’t just lie about whether or not she’d had a drink, she lied about near enough EVERYTHING. It was a real lightbulb moment for me. I was probably biological hard-wired to trust my Mum, so think I was really naive to the extent of the lies for a long time. When I moved to limited contact, I told her it was mostly because I couldn’t live in her fantasy anymore - because that’s what it felt like.

In some ways I can accept the drinking, I can accept the lying about the drinking; but lying about everything else? No. The one person in the world I should be able to trust and rely on, letting me down every single day.

The lying becomes a habit. There comes a point where they can't not lie.

The reason I started divorce proceedings was not that my husband relapsed into drinking (2 weeks after coming out of rehab). You expect relapse. What made me do it was that he relapsed into lying - we came home after an overnight away, I noticed the signs and he flat out lied about having been drinking. Then I found the bottle and that was that.

They let you down because they can't do anything else - not until they decide to stop.

The lying and gaslighting are the worst thing about living with an addict. It's exhausting to constantly wonder if you're over-reacting, being controlling, going crazy -all the things you're being accused of - until finally a light comes on and it dawns that you can't believe a word coming out their mouths and every lie they tell is to enable them to keep drinking.

The lying and gaslighting are absolutely the worst things. I realised with ex that if I wasn’t actually there to see or hear it myself, I couldn’t believe anything he told me about anything. He’d lie about what support professionals would say, his therapist, his family, his friends, I mean literally everything. Sometimes he would lie and said his therapist said the problem was me and he should ask me to do xyz. But hadn’t seen a therapist in weeks. Even stuff like - I haven’t slept in 3 days and haven’t eaten for 3 days and that’s why I drunk. Well, you had breakfast with me yesterday and I know you slept the night before because you snore. But he’d also lie about his past, stupid and meaningless stuff.

it was like living in this world of crazy. I don’t even know if he believed it half the time or knew he was lying. It was madness.

The thing is, I also used to hear the lies he told his family and ex wife while we were still together - I’ve tapered down and have been sober for weeks now. I’m engaging loads in local support. Errr, you are in full blown 200 units per week without interruption for weeks now and haven’t been to a group or a meeting for weeks.

Now he tells me this stuff and thinks I don’t remember that I’ve heard it to others