Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

It's impossible to tell what will do it. People can live for a very long time with levels of alcohol misuse you and I can't begin to imagine. It always gets them in the end though.

So sorry for all the losses 😢.

It’s medically fascinating how different bodies respond so differently and how much abuse some peoples bodies can take vs others who alcohol takes pretty young.

I remember reading that Matthew Perry didn’t have liver cirrhosis (from autopsy) and wondering how the hell not after reading his book, when my ex-DH does - who is younger and never took opiates.

I know it's morbid but when I'm low and my barriers are not working properly (protection against the dreaded hope DH will quit, anger realizing he never will) I do wonder what will get DH in the end. I hate that part of me as I think how much more peaceful life will then be. Even since first finding this thread our relationship has changed for the worst although I try and keep it from him - I frequently get the Ick as it were, respect for him is dwindling and I seem to have become his thinking brain dog ( to pinch a great Pratchettism!). The mental and financial load gets too much, I snap at him, he goes off in a huff and passes out and then I relish the peace and quiet....those quiet moments sustain me.

@Hereagain334 think most of us feel like that

the peace. No more stress

@Hereagain334 I will freely admit that I wished my husband dead. I used to fantasise about it on the commute home after he moved out - what it would feel like to get the call, what I would do. And always the first thought was what a relief it would be. When it actually happened, there was some sadness, but relief was definitely the dominant emotion.

With my mum it was sadder, because she died 4 days before before she would have been assessed for compulsory admission to a nursing home where she would have had care and where she might have been saved and helped to a point where recovery was a possibility. She absolutely would have been sectioned that day, there was zero doubt. But even in her case there was relief, because she was miserable.

@Penguinsandspaniels my DH had it all. Liver failure, pancreatitis, oesphageal varices. He was told he was dying and used it as a reason to keep drinking.

🙀😢

And yes I was relieved. And sad about his horrible death at a young age and furious that he'd cared more for drink than for his kids and guilty that I was glad it was over and resentful about being left to deal with everything alone.

I wish it too sometimes @pointythings :(
I can't believe how I've ended up in this situation but it drives me on knowing I have my health, hopes and dreams of a future free of this. When I'm able to financially make a move I will go. But the fear of being unable to make ends meet is far greater than the drudgery and frustration of living with a drunk....

I’ve also been wondering what Ex will die of and when it will happen. Possibly suicide, but then his previous attempts haven’t been that serious if it makes any sense. Usually in response to me drawing a boundary to draw me back in.

I often wonder about that call. Who will call me and how I feel. I am sure that I will feel relief, sadness, guilt, anger, regret and fury. It will be relief to have an end to the chaos, the rollercoaster, this life in limbo. To really be free. Because freedom hasn’t yet come in leaving him, he is still on my mind daily three months in. I still wish he would go into rehab (again!) for a prolonged time and recover, I still hope he might be one of the few that succeed at this very advanced stage. And I hate that hoping because it is futile. The man I loved is long gone. But I will feel guilt that I couldn’t save him and I will feel bereft for his daughters.

I've known three people, my ex and my father included, who died from ruptured oesophageal varices as a result of alcoholism. Cirrhosis of the liver causes a restriction in the blood flow through it. That then causes veins in the oesophagus to bulge with the increased pressure. If they burst then you can lose a lot of blood very quickly. It's an ugly way to die.

I’m quite certain that ex will use failing health as a reason to keep drinking. He always uses health scares to keep drinking - self medicating the stress he says. He’s always saying things like “I’ll only live a few more years so… (you should come back to me/ there is no point in fighting cravings daily/ I should be allowed to see my kids).

loving or loved someone with addiction is like a slow and prolonged bereavement

New poster to this thread. Sad to join you but pleased this discussion is here.

My Mum is an alcoholic and has been for over 25 years - so nearly all of my life. I don’t remember what she was like before.

She is in her 60s. Lives alone in total squalor. She has no one and nothing.

I moved to limited contact nearly three years ago after years and years of futile efforts to help. It was the best decision I made for me, my mental health, and my children

We had a recent scare where we thought she was dead. In all honesty, the experience reaffirmed that my life would be easier if she were. I don’t love her, she is a total burden to me and I get nothing back. I fully believe she is beyond saving. She steals from friends and family and drinks and drinks - it’s all she cares about. Her brain is broken - even when she’s sober she’s so far from normal / reasonable - I can’t have any relationship with her.

At the moment all I do for her is talk to her social worker about my concerns and gently encourage my Mum to work with them, eg remind her about appointments. It was me who made the referral earlier this year. I don’t bother asking my Mum to engage in addiction support but I do try and keep her safe, fed and warm via social services. Her boiler is broken and she has nowhere to cook a hot meal. She has no money and obviously every penny is spent on alcohol anyway. Nothing really changes.

I’ve been reading a lot about how alcoholics die, in order to prepare myself.

I have already grieved the Mum I desperately wanted and needed; dare I say deserved. I have a huge hole in my life where a loving Mum should be and it is painful every single day.

I am exhausted with the constant complex emotions that come from having an alcoholic parent and despite having tried therapy over the years, always struggle.

It breaks my heart that she has wasted her life in this way.

Oh @Adultchildalcoholic I am so sorry. You're not alone here. Welcome to the kindest corner of Mumsnet.

I get it because I've felt exactly as you have described. My mum was an alcoholic too. She had everything and chucked it all away. I had the scares too – hideous drives across the county, wondering what I was going to find. The mess and squalor, a stinking room. And yeah, the feeling of just lack.

I am so sorry you're exhausted. Even limited contact is bloody hard work. How are you doing, day to day? Has anything in particular prompted you to write this today?

I am so very sorry, @Adultchildalcoholic . It's likely your mum has ARBD by now and would be beyond cognitive recovery even if she were sober. There is nothing to be gained by changing your approach here, and I am glad you are protecting yourself and your family. Maybe once she is gone you will find therapy more helpful; grieving someone who is still alive is the hardest thing. Welcome to this thread. We will support you and listen to you whenever you need us.

@Adultchildalcoholic Massive hugs. I am so sorry. Having an alcoholic loved one is just the most painful thing. We have to step away to protect our own lives, because we cannot change it and we cannot fix them, and sadly so many become beyond help. It is cruel and it is excruciating. The emotions are so complex. I find SMART friends and family a good place for relief of all of those very complex emotions, and this thread is invaluable too. It’s shocking but reassuring how so many of our stories are the same. Please keep posting, just getting your feelings and thoughts out without judgement is so helpful. Nowhere else could I speak about wishing for the end/ that fateful call sometimes because it would be an end to the turmoil in my life and ex’s suffering too.

Thank you @amlie8 @pointythings @Nogoodusername for your warm welcome

To answer the question - how am I doing day to day and has anything in particular brought me here. I suppose a lot has happened in the last few weeks. She was admitted to hospital after a fall which resulted in concussion and a bleed on the brain. My sister was convinced it was her rock bottom. I knew it probably wasn’t. It wasn’t.

It was this hospital admission that allowed us to finally go into her house and see the state of it.

The hospital didn’t care when we told them she shouldn’t be discharged to her house. She told them she was going to stay with a friend. She stayed with said friend the first night after discharge - stole her money and got so drunk she wet herself all over the poor woman’s sofa. Now she’s back in her shithole.

Whilst she was in hospital she ordered vodka via Uber.

I think these incidents, and many others over the last few weeks, have just reinforced everything I had suspected for a while. She was once “functional” - if you can ever call an alcoholic that - but I think she’s been worse than many of realised, probably since lockdown. I suspected it was bad but maybe not this bad.

I guess I just want people who understand, without judgment. I’m very open with people about my Mum’s problems and what I do and don’t do by way of support. People judge me for doing nothing, or for doing too much. I don’t think it’s intentional judgement from others. They just do not get it.

Even amongst my siblings we differ in approach. My sister is still very much actively trying to help her and I think she thinks I’m weak for giving up - in reality I think it shows strength.

Anyway, sorry, I am rambling on. My brain never shuts up!

Everything you've said here is familiar, and most of us have been where you are - including the judgement from people who have never had an addict in their lives. And you can't explain it to them because they are incapable of understanding. What you go through as the child or parent or partner of an addict is so wildly outside every normal experience that it is impossible to accept or believe that it is real if you are not living it.

That's why this series of threads is here, and that's why IRL I run a support group for people like us. My RL group ranges wider than just alcohol, but because alcohol is where my lived experience lies, it makes sense to keep that going on here together with the others who have come and stuck around.

Stepping back and prioritising yourself and your family is absolutely the right thing to do. Eventually, your sister will come to the same realisation. Until then, try not to let your differences in approach tear you apart. It's hard enough holding things together around an addict without beating yourself and each other up too.

@Adultchildalcoholic Welcome. It can be hard to ignore the judgement of others but as you say, they don't get it, so keep on doing what you need to do to keep yourself sane. @pointythings is absolutely right about trying not to let differences in approach/thinking sour your relationship with your sister. You are both just trying to find a way through this nightmare. Your mum may well have serious cognitive impairment by now, so is vanishingly unlikely to make a rational decision to stop drinking, however bad things get. .You've realised that 'helping' your mum isn't going to help, particularly at this stage. Your sister hasn't grasped that yet.

Welcome, @Adultchildalcoholic and I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to navigate.

It’s Ex bingo everyone! On a recent thread I said I was currently compassionate and sad because Ex wasn’t in an abusive phase but it would come when he was, and he would inevitably would.

Guess what? He’s not in active addiction. No, it is all his mental health and it is also all my fault because I have the perfect life with my kids and my job and my home. He wishes I could be a psych ward or suffer mental health problems and addiction too so I could truly understand what it is like so I would be less of a ruthless bitch and do what he wants.

now I’ve got the “I am at A&E because I’m not safe” messages

it is so predictable, so exhausting, and I just wish I had never got myself onto this hamster wheel

@Nogoodusername step off the wheel. Block his messages. If he is in A & E he is perfectly safe, and he's not your problem.

Seconded. DC and I regularly blocked my husband when he was in tragedy mode.

I put him on mute and in archive. I’m scared to block him. It enrages him. When I did this in July, he started emailing every account I have including work, turned up at my house a couple of times, left voicemails (he was also blocked to call but could still leave voicemails annoyingly).