DH wants to stop, says he needs my help. Advice?

[Nimnuan]

DH has been trying to control his drinking for a long time, with varying levels of success. To be honest I didn't realise until a few years into our relationship how much of a problem it is for him. Partly because we meet in the navy his drinking didn't really seem that excessive to me at the time. There are sometimes periods where his drinking is a relatively normal amount, but he always struggles to keep it at that level.
I've been actively trying to support him to reduce or stop for the last 5/6 years. He's pretty much always said he wants to reduce rather than stop completely, sometimes says the only problem is that I'm too uptight about alcohol, sometimes tries to hide how much he's drinking, sometimes had some combination of days/amounts he decides are okay but can't stick to, occasionally he's said he's going to stop completely but has just tried to use willpower without changing anything in his life.
About nine weeks ago he realised how much money he'd spent in the pub over the last year and decided he would only go to the pub on a Friday with his dad. Since then he's been in the pub at least twice a week every week, usually more, and tried to hide it. Yesterday he went to the pub instead of grocery shopping, lied about it, I told him I didn't believe him.
When he came home he said he's got a problem and he needs help, needs me to help. That he wants to stop but doesn't know how. He's said similar things before but this feels different. For example in the past he hasn't been willing to tell friends or family that he's quitting or tell them why. This time he's planning to tell his family.
I'm not expecting everything to change overnight but I think it's a really positive step that he's admitted openly to having a problem with alcohol, that he needs and wants to stop, and that he needs help to stop.
I know I can't do it for him, but I would welcome any advice on how to support him. What did you do for your partner or your partner do for you that helped? What was not helpful?

He really has to do it himself. But you can celebrate his wins and not make it harder for him.

Dh was proud of me for quitting, would stop and buy me a little treat of some AF beer or some kombucha. He was really sensitive to me just not wanting to do things in the early weeks and months. Having people over was hard. Meeting up with friends was hard. Going to someone’s dinner party or BBQ or the school fundraiser was hard because it meant having people ask why I wasn’t drinking. I needed a free pass on those things and dh didn’t pressure me to go when I felt like I couldn’t. My Dh didn’t stop drinking, but he did reduce what he drank a lot. If you are willing to not drink around him or bring alcohol into the home, I think that’s a bonus.

And yes, normalise it. He absolutely should break the seal and tell people. It’s so much easier when you don’t feel like it’s shameful that you aren’t drinking. I used to feel like I had to hide that I had an AF beer or pretend I was drinking by getting tonic waters that looked like a mixed drink. But once I got over the hump and realised that actually people didn’t care that I wasn’t drinking, it all became no big deal. It also helps with accountability. Once people know, you want to keep going so you can prove to them you can do it.

I do think people need community as well. I’d strongly suggest joining a sober Facebook group or finding some sort of group of people who are also quitting. You need other people who get it and are doing it too, much more than you need family support. There are lots of Sober September challenges starting. Doing one of those may be helpful. Listening to a podcast like One for the Road is great too.

He should be seeking professional help. Al
anon can support you. It would worry me that he’s placing the onus on you to “help” him and not taking charge of this. He’s the only one who can do this.

I think the shame and guilt is huge for him. When I tell him I'm proud of him for something he just says that's what he should have been doing all along and it's nothing to be proud of. He really beats himself up for any failings.
I can definitely see him thinking that's it's shameful to have to stop. Or that it's shameful to tell people before you've succeeded.
I'll mention the podcast to him, he has several that he loves.
My brother's wife has been sober nearly a year and found AA really helpful. I don't really know where DH can go other than AA to find people who are doing the same but I'm not sure if he'd be willing to go. Do sober Facebook groups tend to have in-person meet ups too or are they purely online?

It's great he's had this realisation. A few quick things:

• please don't hang all your hopes on him stopping or stopping long term. Many alcoholics want to be sober. Many are not, or cannot, long term.
• please don't let him ask you to 'help'. Beyond general encouragement, and not drinking around him, the hard work is his to do.
• I suggest you seek some support from an organisation that supports the family members of alcoholics
• I suggest he seeks support - GP, organisations, online communities, apps.
• realise that once he isn't drinking alcohol, he is still an addict. That won't go anywhere. Read up on what it means to be a 'dry drunk'

sorry if I sound pessimistic, I really do wish you both all the best - just go into this with eyes wide open.

Yes, that is a concern. Also if he feels like I'm in charge of it then it's tempting to blame me when it's stressful or not going well, which it inevitably will at some point.

Thank you. I have thought about going to al-anon but haven't been yet. This is probably a good time to start.

I also want to say - without judgement or knowing the full context of your lives - you are also quite reasonable to jump ship at any point that this no longer works for you. Being in a relationship with an addict of any kind is extremely difficult. Married or not, mortgage or not etc, you can always end things if it doesn't suit you anymore.

If you have kids, then you also need to think carefully about the effects on them.

To be honest I've been feeling pretty good about our relationship over the last six months or so. He had a hard time coming out of the navy in 2020/21 but things have been getting better for a couple of years now.
We spoke to a couples counsellor a little over a year ago and she really helped him with some strategies for dealing with guilt/anxiety and both of us communicating.
We have a DD, she's nearly 3, and another on the way. During her first year I was seriously considering leaving. If he seemed likely to return to how he was then I think I would have to.

Well he should take a double dose of vitamin b complex everyday to help him with the initial abstinence and it would really help if you stopped drinking for at least a year. Al anon would be good for you and AA for him

I'll stop but I barely drink anyway, maybe a glass of wine once a month or so. It's hardly a sacrifice for me.
What's the logic behind the b vitamins?

How’s things been since then OP?

Mixed but good, thanks for asking.
He's not been drinking but hasn't got any help so I sort of feel like it's a matter of time before the cycle begins again. On the other hand he has told his parents which is a big step, and it is his journey.
I've started going to al-anon as suggested which has been really good! I'm feeling a lot better and much less anxious than I have been in the past when he's stopped/reduced.

Thank you for suggesting al-anon. I've been going a few weeks now and it's been a big help!

I’m so glad it’s helped you OP.

I mentioned my DF was an alcoholic to my GP -he responded that he was self medicating which is a big change of attitude - turns out we recently realised he most likely had adhd. So not just weak willed as everyone assumed.
So GP might be supportive.

Something to consider op is how good at lying alcoholics are.

The fact you think he hasn’t drunk in a few days doesn’t mean he hasn’t actually drunk. And when you combine it with fact that he still refuses to seek help, well… I would be highly skeptical in your shoes.

and cross at his refusal, if not for himself but for me and out young children

Yes, that is definitely true. Would be more accurate to say I don't think he's been drinking. His behaviour has been really different over the past few weeks.
But I'm sure if/when it starts again I won't know for a while.

To late to not have got myself into this situation unfortunately!

What do you mean?

Well I can't go back in time and marry/have kids someone else instead. So it's not just me, I have to decide whether it's better for my daughters to stay or leave. And I don't know.

Well you’re about to give birth op, so I think at this stage it’s cross your fingers and hope for the best. If he starts drinking now, with a pregnant wife / newborn baby and a toddler - then you know that nothing will stop him and you can leave him knowing it’s hopeless.

Look up the stats of the outcomes of adults who lived with an alcoholic as a child.

What I see on your post is you working out how to fix the problem. That’s what he needs to be doing.

The op is literally just about to give birth

not the time to be looking up depressing stats

No, it's not the time.
It's also too late anyway. I can leave but they can't. There's nothing significant enough to justify sole custody in case of divorce. And if I were just going to look at statistics to make my decisions, divorce isn't great either.

Well yes op
but as the child of an alcoholic, if thing escalate - trust me, pretty much anything will be better than staying