DH wants to stop, says he needs my help. Advice?

[Nimnuan]

DH has been trying to control his drinking for a long time, with varying levels of success. To be honest I didn't realise until a few years into our relationship how much of a problem it is for him. Partly because we meet in the navy his drinking didn't really seem that excessive to me at the time. There are sometimes periods where his drinking is a relatively normal amount, but he always struggles to keep it at that level.
I've been actively trying to support him to reduce or stop for the last 5/6 years. He's pretty much always said he wants to reduce rather than stop completely, sometimes says the only problem is that I'm too uptight about alcohol, sometimes tries to hide how much he's drinking, sometimes had some combination of days/amounts he decides are okay but can't stick to, occasionally he's said he's going to stop completely but has just tried to use willpower without changing anything in his life.
About nine weeks ago he realised how much money he'd spent in the pub over the last year and decided he would only go to the pub on a Friday with his dad. Since then he's been in the pub at least twice a week every week, usually more, and tried to hide it. Yesterday he went to the pub instead of grocery shopping, lied about it, I told him I didn't believe him.
When he came home he said he's got a problem and he needs help, needs me to help. That he wants to stop but doesn't know how. He's said similar things before but this feels different. For example in the past he hasn't been willing to tell friends or family that he's quitting or tell them why. This time he's planning to tell his family.
I'm not expecting everything to change overnight but I think it's a really positive step that he's admitted openly to having a problem with alcohol, that he needs and wants to stop, and that he needs help to stop.
I know I can't do it for him, but I would welcome any advice on how to support him. What did you do for your partner or your partner do for you that helped? What was not helpful?

Following and sending solidarity, OP. I’ve just started the same journey with my DH. Edited to add I also have a four year old and and 8 year old, so I’m also making the decision about what’s best for them. At the moment he’s a ‘functioning’ alcoholic, never visibly drunk, but the quantities he’s drinking won’t be doing his liver any good.

Thank you 😊 best wishes to both of us ❤️

This has been going on for so many years OP, he won’t see a life without it unless he gets professional support, which he is refusing to.

It is the refusing to get professional help that is so appalling to me. Even if he doesn’t want to, The fact that this pregnant wife and mother of his young child is desperate for him to… should be enough to motivate him to get support

How does he manage to hold down a job?

I don't really know where DH can go other than AA to find people who are doing the same but I'm not sure if he'd be willing to go.

op, you said your dh needs help, so why won’t he go to AA?

AA isn’t just about finding people on the same boat, or at least it certainly wasn’t for my sister

I found AA was really preachy and held on to a hell of a lot of shame around alcohol without actually understanding why.

Annie Grace has free podcasts and tons and tons of free quit lit online that actually explain the “why” and generally the outcome of her experiment is not a dry drunk, who constantly feels as though they are in a battle or missing out - but rather “I drink as much as I want whenever I want”….which is never.

It’s framed really positively and I think would work much better on a stubborn man.

Perhaps you could stick to commenting on the other thread about how appalled you are by my parenting? Happy to be told how selfish and entitled I am over there.
I believe this forum is meant to be for support.

I am not appalled in the slightest. Quite the opposite. I am trying to explain to critical posters why you are so desperate to not leave your newborn

My reasons for not wanting to leave her have nothing at all to do with my husband. Please stop.

It's good that he recognises he has a problem but as others say only he can fix it

I left an alcoholic, I stayed too long and I regret that now.

You are very vulnerable pregnant and with a newborn - might be worth having a plan in place should you need to leave

I absolutely guarantee you do not "get it"

No, I don’t imagine I do actually. This sounds way above my pay grade

Well @Curledup14 I guess I can't really complain too much when I post about my private life on the Internet and some condescending nosy idiot decides to make a bunch of assumptions and snide insinuations.
Thanks for reminding me that public fora are full of rubbish people, and that's just one of the things I can't change.

This ⬆️. I think it's very positive that he's acknowledged that there's a problem. Of course you can help and support, but he needs professional guidance. He needs someone neutral and objective who can provide what he needs.
He will otherwise blame you when there are bumps in the road.
It's a real curse, and I know how regular drinking gets normalised, and he's probably high functioning.
Would he go to the GP for a referral?

He actually did go to his GP a while ago, but the GP said it didn't sound like his drinking was bad enough for a referral and told him to drinkaware, which had already told him to go to the GP 🙄
He told the GP his version of events though, not exactly dishonest but through a normalizing lens. Maybe he needs professional help, maybe peer support, maybe medication, but he's going to have to figure that out.
I'll just have to figure out what I should do. If he keeps making progress and working on himself then it's better to stay together. Otherwise, it's not.
To be fair to him, pretty much everything has fairly steadily improved over the last few years.

Let me guess, he went to the GP alone and came back to you and told you the GP had said his drinking wasn’t that bad?

Since then he's been in the pub at least twice a week every week, usually more, and tried to hide it. Yesterday he went to the pub instead of grocery shopping, lied about it, I told him I didn't believe him.

How is this a steady improvement over the past few years when the above happened the other day?

Happened to be in the room when he took the call but nice to know you're still way too interested!
I think it's called concern trolling.

He told the GP his version of events though, not exactly dishonest but through a normalizing lens

so the GP said his drinking wasn’t bad enough for a referral because your husband had told his through a “normalising lens” whatever that means NOT because he knew the truth

That's a pity about drinkaware and the GP, but it shows that your DH does want things to change. Tte first step. He could keep a diary of what he drinks, just as over eaters keep food diaries? It's supposed to help with self awareness and self control. In your local area there maybe support groups that he could access.
How does he feel about AA?

Oh man, I googled your username and you've been doing the exact same thing all over mumsnet. Don't know why I'm surprised.
I hope you get a life but it seems unlikely!

Really? Where op. A link would be good because I have no idea what you’re talking about