Continuing support thread for those trying to live an alcohol free life - summer 2025

[Onewildandpreciouslife]

Hello and welcome. I’m glad you’ve found your way here. We are a bunch of people who are trying to give up and keep off alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness.

The original thread was started by @drybird in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans and newer members who can offer advice and signposting. You are welcome here, whether you post several times a day, once or twice and then never again, or if you just come to read but have no intention of ever posting.

Whatever your stage on the AF journey, and whatever you’re going through, someone here will have gone through it too. Don’t be shy about posting, we love to celebrate your successes of whatever shape and size - and will support you when things get challenging. We get it, we've been there too.

All we ask is that you’re genuinely trying to abstain completely . If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quitting it altogether then MN has another long-running and very active moderation thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board. Lots of fine support there if that is your aim. That doesn’t mean that none of us has ever slipped, or that you can’t post here if you do - all we ask is that you are genuinely trying to stop drinking alcohol completely.

It’s not easy to be sober, but it is so, so worth it. Your alcohol-free life can be better than you ever dreamed. Come on in.

Today is 10 months since I had my last drink. 304 days. Woo hoo! And I have “saved” £5,742 approx. The real figure is higher, as it doesn’t include the £30 round trip taxi to the nearest shop when I miscalculated when my next supermarket delivery would be - which happened fairly regularly. Or the drunken internet purchases (although sober internet purchases are not as infrequent as I’d like them to be; less ridiculous, maybe…). So where is it??!!

Hi ladies, I'd like to join please. I've been lurking for awhile, and trying to get sober for awhile, but am finding it really hard. I have a demanding job and I fell into the awful habit of drinking, mostly day drinking, to try to manage the anxiety and stress. But then I need more and more booze to manage the anxiety. Ugh.

I tend to manage a few dry days at a time and next then I'm back to a bottle a day again, or more. I've drunk most days this month and I feel so sick and tired. Ugh. Perimenopause and the heat aren't helping either.

I have a big work conference I was meant to go to tomorrow (lasts until Wed.), but I think I need to ditch it and try to spend a few days getting sober. If I go to the conference, I'll drink to try to keep the feelings of nausea at bay, but I'll keep feeling horrible. I'm just trying to get up the courage to tell my work colleagues I'm not coming. They know I've had mental health issues this year (anxiety) but they don't know about the AUD.

I've been in bed most of today with a hangover but DH doesn't know it's a hangover. I've told him I'm feeling low and he said, 'But you've been so happy this week!' The thing is, the happiness has all been drink-fuelled and fake. I drink to keep going, because it kind of works... but as you all know, it doesn't really work.

We're meant to go out to a long-planned dinner tonight with friends. If I drink before I go out, I will feel less nauseous and it will be easier to manage the dinner, but then I'll just be prolonging this nightmare cycle of drinking, waking up the next morning feeling shit, and drinking more.

I'm sorry to vent. I really want to turn things round.

My DH and all my friends know I've had a drinking problem but they think it's in the past. They think I'm sober but I'm very much not.

Many years ago I got sober and managed to stay sober for several years, but I don't even know how I managed that any more. I desperately want that again.

Thanks for listening.

Also, this isn't even day one, because I had a mini-bottle of wine this morning. It hasn't made me feel better though.

I really want that to be my last drink and tomorrow to be my day one.

Welcome @elusivehope - well done for being brave enough to post. If you decide to go to your friends’ tonight, I would suggest being clear with your DH (at least) before you go that you “have decided not to drink because it would make the low feelings worse” (or whatever version of the truth you feel most comfortable with). And drink plenty of water now. But be honest with yourself, if you think it will be too hard not to drink, don’t go. Put your sobriety above everything else.

You have got sober before, so however hopeless it feels now, there IS hope, and you can heal. We’re here with you

Congratulations on 10 months @FaithHopeCarnage - awesome work 👏👏👏

Thank you @Onewildandpreciouslife what you've said helps.

Sometimes I actually think it would be bliss to go to rehab because I feel like I'm juggling so many life obligations. I just want to step away from everything and take a break. But in actual fact I don't want to go to rehab; I think I'd be bored out of my mind there for one thing. I'm an academic so if I can just get through the next couple of weeks (marking, research deadlines), then the rest of the summer should be a lot easier. My teaching term has just finished which is probably why I'm so tired.

I love your username by the way. I'm a big Mary Oliver fan.

@elusivehope well done for reaching out. I remember vividly that nauseous feeling and being unable to face food - until I’d drunk enough to take the nausea away, and then trying to eat before I’d drunk enough to feel full and not want to eat anyway. I wish you well with whatever you decide to do this evening. If you don’t go, will you drink at home anyway? I always found it easier to regulate my intake in front of other people, probably out of shame for how much I would consume otherwise. And then drink more when I got home anyway because of the anxiety of trying to manage how much I drank, how quickly I was drinking it versus other people. Exhausting.

About rehab - it’s unlikely you’d be bored. A proper 28 day programme, as opposed to a shorter detox one, is pretty full on. And giving up the alcohol/other substance/process is a very small part of it. I couldn’t have got sober without dealing with the underlying feelings and how they link to behaviours and thought processes. And learning about boundaries, self care, diet, exercise etc. There is very little free time. Most people manage to get sober without rehab and facilities obviously vary in their effectiveness, and how ready one is to become sober - which is probably the most important factor. But if you can afford the time and money, I really recommend looking at a few, seeing what they offer and if you feel it would be of benefit to you.

I echo what @Onewildandpreciouslife said - you’ve done it before, you can do it again. Once the term time pressure is off, it will be easier. And now you’ve got us in your corner - this board is wonderfully supportive 😃

Thanks @FaithHopeCarnage and massive congrats by the way on your 10 months!

I remember vividly that nauseous feeling and being unable to face food - until I’d drunk enough to take the nausea away, and then trying to eat before I’d drunk enough to feel full and not want to eat anyway.

This is precisely what I'm going through right now. Ugh. You put it so well. The reality is that I'm going to need to battle through a couple of days of nausea/queasy stomach in order to wean myself off. But I keep finding excuses because my timetable is so busy. I feel like I have done the first few days of getting sober so many times. I keep doing the hard part over and over again. The trouble for me is stopping and staying stopped (though right now I'm finding it hard just to stop in the first place, which frightens me).

TBH I only drink secretly now, never in public. Which is really fucking toxic, I know. So I wouldn't drink at the dinner; I'd drink beforehand to make the nausea subside so I could eat normally.

I talked to my DH about not going to the dinner and he's really upset at the prospect. He went so far as to say that in future, maybe we should tell all our friends whenever they offer any social invitation that I have mental health issues and might therefore have to cancel an engagement at short notice. !!! Which is a suggestion that I find extremely unhelpful. It's a long story but he's an extrovert, I'm an introvert, he loves to socialise and I find it rewarding but extremely exhausting. And I've already had one long night out with him and his friends this weekend, on Friday. He's ridiculously invested in my attending social events with him. I've tried to explain that yes, I can go and 'perform', but it takes a toll. This is part of the problem; I have big people-pleasing tendencies and tend to say yes to stuff. Then I get exhausted and get cold feet. And I've drunk a lot over the course of our relationship in order to appear to be a more social person that I actually am. Sober me is a lot quieter as a person. If I had the balls, I would confess to DH that I don't want to go because I'm trying to get sober again, but he would be so so upset and disappointed to learn that I've relapsed, I don't want to tell him. It's all complicated and messy. The thing is, I know that if he went on his own he'd have a brilliant time. First I need to get sober again, and then I need to get better boundaries. I honestly can't handle more than one long drawn-out social event per weekend.

On Friday night for example, I drank loads before the dinner, didn't drink at the dinner, was the life of the party, came home and was secretly sick. I'm so tired of living a lie.

I'm sure you're right about rehab. It's not boring, it's a lot of hard (and productive) work. I do know other people who have done it. TBH I may need to take that route. I'm just going to give the 'sweat it out on your own method' one more try first, dubious as that sounds. I guess I'm scared of the fact that rehab actually means a more public facing up to the fact one has alcohol use disorder. Plus, the expense. But I'm not ruling it out as a possibility.

Sorry for the massive post. I really appreciate all the support.

Also to say - if you are alcohol dependent, it is extremely dangerous to go cold turkey and just quit. I’m sure you know this, but it’s always worth emphasising. I’m not implying you are, and there’s no shame if you are (I was) but if it was so easy just to stop, many of us would have done so years ago.

ETA I wrote this before your update. I hear you - another people-pleasing introvert here!

I completely get this @elusivehope . I have found it really fascinating recently to hear young people say “my social battery is low, I’m going to give X a miss”. It never occurred to me you could do that!

If you do stay at home, you are going to need a really, really good plan as to how you’re not going to drink. Is that feasible tonight? And echo @FaithHopeCarnage as to whether that’s safe for you

Hi @elusivehope - I used to work in universities some time ago, and suspect using alcohol to cope is quite widespread. They hire people who are perfectionist, often quite shy, who then have to perform publicly a lot. There is a lot of career uncertainty around permanent posts, promotions and grants. The prospect of getting a good job (or getting on after that) is dangled in front of people if only they put in more hours. So some people slip into working every evening, with a glass of wine in the final hour or two.

My partner drinks too much. Despite his big brain, he's very bad at understanding his stressors or how he is feeling. He doesn't notice that he's anxious or burning out. He hits a deadline, then drinks too much rather than decompress more healthily. It's only afterwards that he works out what was going on. I wonder whether high-performers are often like that: very clever at analytic tasks, but bad at knowing the signals their body is giving them.

The nausea might be down to anxiety rather than dependence, though of course I can't know and am not qualified to say. You must talk to your GP if you do need a strategy for stopping.

I wasn't a heavy drinker, but when I stopped, had recently started anti-anxiety medication for other reasons. It has really helped.

Thanks faithhopecarnage, good point, I'm mindful of the cold turkey thing. In theory this week I've been trying to taper, but a 'taper' can skyrocket upward instead of downward as it's meant to. That's why I know I can't do moderation; it's all or nothing for me.

Thanks onewildandpreciouslife, my current plan is to go to the dinner, battle through the nausea and not drink. The restaurant we're going to is only a few steps away so I can try to extract myself early if I start to feel really unwell. The sad thing is that these are two really lovely/interesting people and if I weren't battling addiction, I'd be delighted to see them. Honestly I hate the way alcohol has taken over all of my headspace; that's probably the biggest reason I want to stop.

I've just finally messaged the organiser of my conference panel and pulled out. I feel sad to be missing it because I paid a fortune to register for the three days and I would have had the chance to interact with lots of great people, but honestly, at the moment I need to start saying no to stuff for the sake of getting sober. I can't do everything; that's how I got myself into this mess in the first place.

@taylorean that is a super insightful post, thank you.

They hire people who are perfectionist, often quite shy, who then have to perform publicly a lot. Oh god yes this is me! Wine is such a great shortcut to helping you perform publicly, until it's not... It doesn't help that alcohol is all the over the place at my uni and is widely used as a social lubricant. I've actually been to uni events where NOTHING non-alcoholic is provided to drink, not even water. But plenty of fizz. It's a real problem.

I wonder whether high-performers are often like that: very clever at analytic tasks, but bad at knowing the signals their body is giving them. Again, yes, I'm very much like this. I'm trying to get better at 'listening' to my body, but it's a slow process.

I'm actually already on anti-anxiety meds, but when I'm drinking, they don't seem to work. Duh. My rational brain knows that if I'm sober, the anxiety will be so much reduced, yet I've still managed to fall into the trap of the instant dopamine hit.

by the way I already feel so much more optimistic after posting here. Thank you everyone!

@elusivehope welcome to the thread.

I'm a high achiever but I learnt on my sober journey it was to get praise and love from my late mother. An arch game player.
I did the pre loading with booze before going out and then came home to more.
I wish I had gone to rehab when I had plenty of money but my wider family blocked it. I had caring duties they weren't prepared to take over.
When I stopped drinking three and a half years ago I had to be selfish. I went to bed early and left others to their social lives. I didn't go out for about a year in the evenings. I now drive so no issue.
I've done all the secrecy. Water top ups for wine in the fridge, bad fish for stomach issues and blatantly lying about not drinking.
I am an extrovert but I burn out after a big day. I use to run to the booze I now try a pudding or posh fruit.
I lost friends but those that love me know it was going to kill me. Another year and I'd have been dead.
I don't care who knows that I was a drinker, I've even counselled people in hospital including doctors.
You're an academic, you know booze has absolutely no nutritional content.

Think of it is an acid you're pouring into your stomach. A sobering thought for us all. X

Thanks @WendyWagon . I think our mums may have had some character traits in common!

That's really interesting that you stopped going out in the evening during your first year of sobriety. I don't think I have tried to protect my sobriety enough to be honest (in terms of not putting myself in situations that make me want to drink). Maybe that's part of why I keep relapsing.

Anyway I got through the dinner tonight without more drink. The conversation was interesting and it distracted me from thinking about how I was feeling physically. Everyone else drank loads. I then got home and helped DS finish his maths homework, which wouldn't have been possible if I had drunk more today.

Tomorrow is going to be my day 1. I can do this.

Do it. You will feel so much better and in control. Your life will open up.

Morning all.
Up with the sparrows. Just too hot for me.

I'm trying to do a few good things with my share of the company swag. It's turning into a nightmare. The DS flounced off to London after eavesdropping on a conversation about helping a relative. I feel like a kid again trying to people please.

I think I'll need to do some angry weeding.

Morning All! I'm awake early too @WendyWagon and can see it's going to be hot, hot, hot today. Might have a quick tour of the garden (about 30 steps!) to see what else has been eaten before it gets too unbearable out there. Good luck for your Day 1 @elusivehope - we're all rooting for you.i made a jug of iced tea yesterday so that's another weapon in my fridge if I get the urge to sit out in the shade with a long cold drink. It's Day 60 for me and Day 100 is creeping ever closer.

Am also awake. Early dog walk in a minute
good luck @elusivehope just keep telling yourself this is the worst you will feel so will from this point on all get better

Morning all. I am lucky in that the heat doesn’t bother me too much - apart from the fact that DH resorts to endless fans in the bedroom to try to cool down. We have an aircon unit in the spare room so he disappeared there last night so I could sleep in peace.

Good luck today @elusivehope . Do you have a plan for your trigger points?

Hello @elusivehope, I have read your posts and want to send you some positive vibes and good luck for today. I have been trying to cut down (without much success) over the last few years, our social life is really booze oriented and I have had some stressful periods and anxiety where only wine would make me feel better. A few things happened including a serious injury after a night out, all the prices going insane and the fact I am the heaviest I have every been meaning I can’t wear lots of my wardrobe and I refused to just buy more clothes (though ironically I have bought some with my ££ saved from not drinking 🥳) I decided enough was enough. I met someone with serious health issues due to alcohol who is a similar age to me, that was a key trigger point. I listened to one of the Allen Carr books during my daily walk, and before I finished it, I stopped drinking. That was 3 weeks ago.

There are some great posters here who shared a little of their stories, and I felt that I am not the only one with these struggles. That was really eye opening, if they can do it, why not me?
Echoing some other comments about getting some nice AF drinks in. I like the Martini AF drinks so far, San Pellegrino drinks and some of the Fevertree sodas and tonics. I used to wince at the prices, but honestly overall it has been cheaper than wine! My husband is really happy I am doing this, and he has cut down a little too. Instead of wine after work, we’ve been doing a walk, or getting overdue jobs out of the way. My brain feels so much better for work, and I have more enthusiasm for getting some of the more difficult things done.
I have been open that I have stopped drinking with some of our friends. Being open about it, makes it more real and further cements in my mind what I am doing and why.

Hope everyone on here has a good week, and massive good luck to all those who need it.

@NeedANewOne25 The Martini AF drinks are my AF favourite. It's a shame they're not more widely available. They're in my local Sainsburys but not in Tesco or Morrison's and I had to open an Ocado account to get some of the white version delivered. I'm hoping that the range of AF drinks continues to expand and improve. (Surely those grim AF gins can only get better?!)

@LillyPJ I got both of mine from Amazon, the Vibrante was £8 which I thought was ok, it’s gone up to £11 now though (I should have stocked up 😋). I saw it in Waitrose at the weekend (£10.50).
My brother tells me the Tanqueray 0% is good, I bought the Seville version last year but it had a weird aftertaste. I can’t bring myself to spend ££ on a pseudo spirit unless I will absolutely know it’s nice. You mentioning the Martini was a helpful nudge, so thank you for that 👍

@NeedANewOne25 I bought the Vibrante in Sainsburys when it was on offer (£8?) At the time I would have resented paying over £10 for a non- alcoholic drink, but a bottle lasts me about a week and even allowing for posh tonic, I'm spending nowhere near what I used to on wine. Funny how I never resented paying £8 or more on a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc that would've lasted me not much more than a day! Glad you like the Martini!