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Alcohol support

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Should I leave my alcoholic partner?

60 replies

LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 08:23

I have been with my partner now for nearly 3 years. We used to have a great relationship. He's always had problems deep down with alcohol. When he met me his family said he'd really turned a corner and was so happy but lately his drinking is worse than its ever been. We bought a house together and he told me it would be a fresh start but the stress of renovating the house has triggered the drinking again. He has always suffered with his mental health (depression) and was signed off work 4 months ago as he said work was a major trigger for him but now he's not working he just drinks daily. He either becomes emotionally abusive towards me, sometimes unintentionally hurting me through drunken rages or passes out drunk on the sofa and I have to spend most evenings alone. He's also messaged a lot of women when drunk sexual messages, and says he doesn't remember doing it. He says the most vile things about me and my family. When he's sober he's so lovely but that's a rarity nowadays. I've tried all I can to get him some professional support. NHS waiting lists are so long and the doctor has said he needs private counselling as the NHS sessions wouldn't be enough for him, but we don't have the money as he's not working currently. My family hate him as I've stayed with them before when he's been vile towards me but don't realise how bad his mental health is. I don't know what to do? We go round in circles and when he's sober he listens and understands but I find myself going round in circles. He's told me so many times when he's depressed and/or drinking he wants to kill himself and I'm terrified if I leave he'll go through with it but the relationship is draining me physically and emotionally- what should I do?

OP posts:
Littlefish · 28/03/2025 08:40

Sell the house and get out. It is never going to get better. He is an abusive alcoholic. Don’t waste any more time on him. It’s only been 3 years. You rushed into buying a house together.

RampantIvy · 28/03/2025 08:41

First reply nails it.

Sell the house and move on with your life without him. He is not your responsibility.

Cunningfungus · 28/03/2025 08:43

@LolaG09 I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am the problem drinker in my family and I am lucky they didn’t “give up” on me (putting in inverted commas as don’t want it to sound like it would have been wrong of them IYSWIM?).

I think you should leave - it doesn’t sound like he is doing anything to help himself. Yes, he may have mental health issues, but he has to take responsibility for getting help.

I wasn’t outwardly abusive to my family but I did cause them a lot of pain and worry - I tended to spend days semiconscious in bed, they’d worry when I went out alone etc. But I did everything I could to stay sober - I still am as there’s times I’d like nothing more than to sink two bottles of wine and shut the world out - but I don’t.

Please don’t fall into the trap of thinking if you leave, you’ll make it worse for him - this is what experts mean when they say people need to get sober for themselves. If he doesn’t, things are only going to get worse.

Good luck. 💐

DustyLee123 · 28/03/2025 08:44

He’s an addict, you can’t save him, get out.

SallyWD · 28/03/2025 08:45

I lived eith an alcoholic for ten years. There's nothing you can do to help. Believe me, I tried everything. You need to leave abd get on with your life.

MayaPinion · 28/03/2025 08:46

You cannot save him - he doesn’t want to be saved. You’re putting his mental wellbeing before your own. You need to protect yourself. 90% of his depression will be caused by the booze - it’s a vicious circle and he’s not going to stop. Ultimately, neither of you are happy, but you have it in your power to at least take steps to make yourself happy.

Redburnett · 28/03/2025 08:46

Littlefish is right.

Smoothandsmooth · 28/03/2025 08:46

Littlefish · 28/03/2025 08:40

Sell the house and get out. It is never going to get better. He is an abusive alcoholic. Don’t waste any more time on him. It’s only been 3 years. You rushed into buying a house together.

👆🏻

Topseyt123 · 28/03/2025 08:49

Yes, sell the house and leave him. This will continue if you don't.

My BIL is an alcoholic and has always behaved much as you describe. He lost his marriage, access to his child and his house because of it and still couldn't stop drinking.

He's also now lost the support of the remaining wider family members who had still kept contact with him.

This is very unlikely to ever get better, and will most likely get worse.

BunnyRuddington · 28/03/2025 08:51

Unfortunately you have very little option. You can either stay and waste years of your life or you can leave and move on to better things.

He has said many times that he wants to end and you’ve tried to get him support, that’s all you can do. Do you really want to stay knowing that things aren’t going to improve and may get seriously worse?

Newyeargymwanker · 28/03/2025 08:56

You’re thinking ‘he’s down; I can’t leave him when he has no-one else’
What’s happening is you’re preventing him from reaching rock bottom and helping himself.

For you and him you have to leave.

Happyinarcon · 28/03/2025 09:05

Why doesn’t anyone try the naltrexone implant? I keep hearing about it and it sounds good

BunnyRuddington · 28/03/2025 09:13

Newyeargymwanker · 28/03/2025 08:56

You’re thinking ‘he’s down; I can’t leave him when he has no-one else’
What’s happening is you’re preventing him from reaching rock bottom and helping himself.

For you and him you have to leave.

I do agree with this. By staying you are perpetuating the situation which isn’t helping him in the long term and will likely cause you lots of mental harm.

Have you read any books like Leaving 101 or reached out to any organisations like Al-Anon?

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LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 09:19

@Littlefish you may say we rushed into buying a house together but it was the right decision for us at the time. We were both living with our parents. He told me his parents house was a major trigger for him as they drank regularly when he was a child and growing up

OP posts:
LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 09:20

We have a 7 month old puppy also and she loves the bones of him and him her when he's sober but I'm worried if I leave he won't look after her if hes drunk but don't want to take her away from him also as I think she's good for him and his mental health?

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 28/03/2025 09:22

LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 09:19

@Littlefish you may say we rushed into buying a house together but it was the right decision for us at the time. We were both living with our parents. He told me his parents house was a major trigger for him as they drank regularly when he was a child and growing up

Interesting that now that trigger has been removed he’s sunk further?

What exactly are his plans is work is now the trigger for depression?

LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 09:22

Also, he's starting a new job next week. I'm hoping things will get better as he says he will be in more of a routine etc- but am I just being naive and setting myself up for a fall yet again?

OP posts:
Pricelessadvice · 28/03/2025 09:23

You are being very naive. He’s not going to change.
Leave him and take the puppy.

ChaToilLeam · 28/03/2025 09:24

Get out, he will only drag you down. Take the puppy if you can.

If anything happens to him, it will be on him, not you. He has to reach the point where he sees that he needs help, and truly wants to change. He may or may not reach that point, but he won’t get there if you continue to hold things together for him. You didn’t cause his addiction and you can’t change it.

LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 09:24

@BunnyRuddington because the house we bought needed a lot of work. We thought it would be a good project for him to focus on and take his attention away from his job. But it caused stress and that mixed with his job caused him to basically have a mental breakdown and be signed off work...

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 28/03/2025 09:26

LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 09:22

Also, he's starting a new job next week. I'm hoping things will get better as he says he will be in more of a routine etc- but am I just being naive and setting myself up for a fall yet again?

It’s really good that he has a new job. That shouldn’t change things for you though.

By asking if you’re being naive it shows that you know you are.

Have you got plans on where you can go to or are you able to buy him out?

If not, I’d spend the weekend tidying the place up and arrange sone valuations.

Littlefish · 28/03/2025 09:26

LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 09:20

We have a 7 month old puppy also and she loves the bones of him and him her when he's sober but I'm worried if I leave he won't look after her if hes drunk but don't want to take her away from him also as I think she's good for him and his mental health?

Buying a house with someone with a known history of alcohol abuse, within potentially 18 months - 2 years of getting together absolutely is rushing things, regardless of your previous living situations.

I feel really sad for the situation you’re in now - it sounds incredibly challenging. But you don’t have to stay.

BunnyRuddington · 28/03/2025 09:28

And the puppy doesn’t deserve to be neglected just because when he’s sober he likes her.

You and the puppy both deserve much better.

Gundogday · 28/03/2025 09:29

Littlefish · 28/03/2025 08:40

Sell the house and get out. It is never going to get better. He is an abusive alcoholic. Don’t waste any more time on him. It’s only been 3 years. You rushed into buying a house together.

This.

expat321 · 28/03/2025 09:30

SallyWD · 28/03/2025 08:45

I lived eith an alcoholic for ten years. There's nothing you can do to help. Believe me, I tried everything. You need to leave abd get on with your life.

Same boat. 8 years and 2 DC. Constantly thinking it would get better and it never did. I left with nothing and rebuilt my life. So much happier now.