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Alcohol support

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Should I leave my alcoholic partner?

60 replies

LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 08:23

I have been with my partner now for nearly 3 years. We used to have a great relationship. He's always had problems deep down with alcohol. When he met me his family said he'd really turned a corner and was so happy but lately his drinking is worse than its ever been. We bought a house together and he told me it would be a fresh start but the stress of renovating the house has triggered the drinking again. He has always suffered with his mental health (depression) and was signed off work 4 months ago as he said work was a major trigger for him but now he's not working he just drinks daily. He either becomes emotionally abusive towards me, sometimes unintentionally hurting me through drunken rages or passes out drunk on the sofa and I have to spend most evenings alone. He's also messaged a lot of women when drunk sexual messages, and says he doesn't remember doing it. He says the most vile things about me and my family. When he's sober he's so lovely but that's a rarity nowadays. I've tried all I can to get him some professional support. NHS waiting lists are so long and the doctor has said he needs private counselling as the NHS sessions wouldn't be enough for him, but we don't have the money as he's not working currently. My family hate him as I've stayed with them before when he's been vile towards me but don't realise how bad his mental health is. I don't know what to do? We go round in circles and when he's sober he listens and understands but I find myself going round in circles. He's told me so many times when he's depressed and/or drinking he wants to kill himself and I'm terrified if I leave he'll go through with it but the relationship is draining me physically and emotionally- what should I do?

OP posts:
pimplebum · 28/03/2025 09:30

Wow ! Your partner has assaulted you physically, insulted you and your family , not working, your family hate him
the windows of his sober pleasant behaviour are diminishing - yet you are still hanging in there making all the excuses for him , wishing and hoping it’s all going to get better soon

said with kindness - WAKE UP ! He does not seem to be taking accountability for his actions or making any inroads to becoming sober

sadly the only answer is to leave, maybe he will crash and burn , maybe he will sort himself out , either way it’s not in your power to do this he needs to do the hard work

do not leave a puppy with a violent alcoholic

Littlefish · 28/03/2025 09:36

LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 09:22

Also, he's starting a new job next week. I'm hoping things will get better as he says he will be in more of a routine etc- but am I just being naive and setting myself up for a fall yet again?

Yes, you are being naive.

Buying a house didn’t work.
Getting a puppy didn’t work.
Starting a new job wont work.

Please protect yourself by leaving.

Wobblemonster · 28/03/2025 09:37

Run

WorriedMutha · 28/03/2025 09:38

Living with his parents was a trigger, the new house was a fresh start but then the renovation stress was a trigger, work was a trigger but new job soon so a fresh start. Hmmm
Are you really always going to collude with his rationalising for drinking.
I'm sorry you are now financially embroiled with this man but it is a one way street where he prioritises himself.
You need to force the house sale and start again. Involve his parents if it helps but be single minded in your determination to get out out.

CreationNat1on · 28/03/2025 09:49

My brother had to get an alcoholic out of a fire hazard flat. The alcoholic's brother used to live with him but after 5 years had enough and left, with a message to my brother that he couldn't live with him any more.

My Brother gave the alc notice on Friday, that he would be back on Monday to evict him. Brother got him a place in an alcoholics unit/dry out facility.

When they went back on Monday, the alc had gone through 9 bottles of vodca, that's 3 a day, delivered via an app. They found bottles of urine and blood all over the place.

That's what you have in store for you, if you stay.

The only person that can save the alcoholic is the alcoholic. Get him out of the house, sell it, give him his half or whatever he is owed and start afresh. Do NOT have a child with this an. His mental health and his addiction do not trump your life.

Get out and start again.

BellissimoGecko · 28/03/2025 09:51

Littlefish · 28/03/2025 08:40

Sell the house and get out. It is never going to get better. He is an abusive alcoholic. Don’t waste any more time on him. It’s only been 3 years. You rushed into buying a house together.

Nailed it.

HowardTJMoon · 28/03/2025 09:54

It sounds like he's very good at coming up with excuses for why he's drinking too much and treating you like crap. First it was because he was living with his parents. Then it was the stress of living in a new house that needs work. Then it was his job. Now it's because he's not working so doesn't have a routine.

How long will it be before he decides the stress of his new job is enough to justify him drinking himself stupid and angry all over again?

Living with an alcoholic is like being on a rollercoaster. Sometimes they're not drinking much and you're up, sometimes their drinking takes over and you're down. Up and down, round and round, over and over again. You can't stop the rollercoaster; you can't even slow it down. Only he can do that. The only thing that is within your control is whether you wish to continue on that ride with him or you choose to step off.

When I was in your shoes I found Al-Anon (the friends and family wing of Alcoholics Anonymous) somewhat helpful but I think I got more out of seeing a counsellor. The book "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie was really good. Finally, the short story / morality fable "The Bridge" by Edwin Friedman really helped me to look at the situation in a different way https://sonyathomaslcsw.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/The-Bridge-Friedmans-Fables.pdf

Cunningfungus · 28/03/2025 09:59

@LolaG09 have to say I agree with this.

It’s just excuse/reason after excuse/reason. For whatever reason, he is dependent on alcohol - which don’t forget alcohol is designed to do - so I don’t judge him for that. But I do judge him for failing to do anything about it.

You clearly care for him but you cannot help him nor can a puppy/job/hobby/etc. He must realise he is destroying his life and do something about it instead of just finding excuses.

Your updates make me worried that you will stay “hoping” it will get better….it won’t unless he does the work for himself - he can still do that if you leave - that would show he was serious about giving up.

Please please please do not have children if it is anyway on the cards

Dontbeme · 28/03/2025 10:03

LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 09:20

We have a 7 month old puppy also and she loves the bones of him and him her when he's sober but I'm worried if I leave he won't look after her if hes drunk but don't want to take her away from him also as I think she's good for him and his mental health?

Stop using the dog as an excuse to stay with this man. Will your family support you to leave?

Dozycuntlaters · 28/03/2025 10:06

Leave, and take the puppy with you. My best friend is an alcoholic, she lies, she manipulates, she thrives on dramas and can be very toxic. She is about to be homeless, and sadly I have had to say she cannot come to me. No way could I live with an alcoholic, it would be a nightmare. Honestly, until he sorts himself out it will just get worse. It's only been 3 years, do not sacrifice your future and your happiness for him.

If you think he is at rock bottom, you ain't seen nothing yet, the bottom is so much further than anyone can guess. Do not be around to see that.

Take the pup, you cannot leave her with him just because he loves her and is good for his mental health. Can you imagine him remembering to feed her, walk her, love her etc etc when he is having a bender. No way, why should she suffer because of his addiction. I imagine you will stay but be warned, it will not get any better whilst you are there, pandering to him, making excuses for him and enabling him.

LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 10:32

Im actually 90% sure Im ending the relationship. I just wanted some advice really as to the best way of doing things. He is a functioning alcoholic so is not necessarily alcohol dependent but once he starts he can't stop and tends to drink in excess, then imagines things that aren't true (like I'm cheating on him) and turns into a completely different person, like Jekyll and Hyde I guess! I have family but don't want to burden them with the worry as I've put them through enough the few times I've left before and decided to go back 😞

OP posts:
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 28/03/2025 10:40

You can't change him, he's abusive to you and he is wasting both of your lives. Leave him - take the puppy who does not deserve to be neglected/abused by a drunk.

Threatening to kill himself is a well-known abuse tactic. How dare he manipulate you like that! Find your anger and get him out of your life. If he was to kill himself, it would be entirely his decision.

Go and find out how relaxing and enjoyable your life can be without him! Good luck 💐

HowardTJMoon · 28/03/2025 10:48

You say he's a "functioning" alcoholic. He can't control his drinking. He can't maintain a loving and respectful relationship with his partner. He can't hold down a job. He's incapable of or unwilling to drag himself to AA or find an alternative service that will help him.

So what, exactly, is he functioning at?

Spring025 · 28/03/2025 10:54

He deals with all his problems with drinking OP, everything is a trigger for him from his parents house to work. You're giving him far too much of your concern right now IMO, worrying that he might harm himself if you leave or that you should leave the dog even though you know he won't bother looking after it if he's drunk. Do you think he's giving you this much headspace? Do you think you are his first concern?

You can't save him OP and it's unfair to leave the dog to go down with him, if he turns his life around he can get his own dog - I bet he doesn't though as he's made no effort to change things that I can see. Of course he'll promise you the earth and threaten all sorts but you are not responsible for his choices, it's an abusive, manipulative tactic.

Stop going back, you're already getting into a pattern of it and so he knows exactly what buttons to push. If you do go back then please whatever you do don't bring children into this toxic mess.

Maitri108 · 28/03/2025 10:59

You're meant to be his girlfriend not his caseworker. Why are you running around trying to get him help when he doesn't give a toss?

He obviously doesn't want to give up drinking and he's abusive. You've bought a house with an abusive alcoholic and he'll drain the life out of you.

Focus on getting out of the relationship and read up on codependency. Tell his family he's suicidal and if he threatens suicide (the calling card of every manipulator), call an ambulance.

Smoothandsmooth · 28/03/2025 11:57

Littlefish · 28/03/2025 09:36

Yes, you are being naive.

Buying a house didn’t work.
Getting a puppy didn’t work.
Starting a new job wont work.

Please protect yourself by leaving.

Again - littlefish has it.

You are making excuse for him OP. The only thing to do is leave.

SheridansPortSalut · 28/03/2025 12:05

Should I leave my alcoholic partner?

Yes.

Peoplearebloodyidiots · 28/03/2025 12:19

You know what you need to do OP. It's not going to get better. Yes it's hard, but no one is going to thank you for being the martyr. If you had a friend in this situation what would you tell them to do? Stick it out, take the abuse and put themselves through all the stress?!

RampantIvy · 28/03/2025 12:20

Yes.

You should leave your alcoholic partner.

ginasevern · 28/03/2025 12:57

Please leave him OP. My DH was an alcoholic. It doesn't get better and there is nothing - I repeat nothing! - you can do to heal him. Alcoholics are like black holes, they suck you in and destroy you. But you don't even realise it's happening until one day your house is being repossessed or the police are at the door. And please, for the love of god take that poor innocent puppy with you. I don't know what possessed you get her in the first place. He will kill it or harm it one way or another, either by beating her or starvation. Get yourself and the puppy out whilst you can.

Lilywisp · 28/03/2025 13:19

I can only echo what everyone else has said on here and add that my ex partner was an alcoholic for the last ten years of the sixteen we had together, I got tired of trying to save him, not to mention the abuse I had to endure, I took the dog and left, I knew he’d miss her but he could barely take care of himself at the end let alone have responsibility for her too. Please get out now, I stayed and I’ve suffered the consequences, it screwed me up and I’m still having counselling now three years later.

LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 16:40

I guess I'm just so sad as I know deep down is the person I fell in love with and without the drink they're a completely different person!

OP posts:
LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 16:45

HowardTJMoon · 28/03/2025 10:48

You say he's a "functioning" alcoholic. He can't control his drinking. He can't maintain a loving and respectful relationship with his partner. He can't hold down a job. He's incapable of or unwilling to drag himself to AA or find an alternative service that will help him.

So what, exactly, is he functioning at?

He works around the house, cooking, cleaning etc. It's not that he couldn't hold down a job, he left because of the stress and depression it was causing him. He's a hard worker and has worked all his life apart from taking this time off

OP posts:
LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 16:49

Dontbeme · 28/03/2025 10:03

Stop using the dog as an excuse to stay with this man. Will your family support you to leave?

Edited

I'm not using the dog as an 'excuse', I truly believe he would never touch the dog intentionally as he loves her to bits.

OP posts:
LolaG09 · 28/03/2025 16:52

Unfortunately I didn't realise how bad it was until we moved in together. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I guess!

OP posts: