Am I making a big deal about DH’s drinking

[Doseydots]

Since I met DH over 25 years ago, he’s always been a drinker. He'd go the pub most nights, his dad was drinker too.

I've never been a big drinker, I can have a glass of wine or two with friends or in front of the TV, now and again but when I've had enough and I stop. I can go without it and not think about it.

When DC came along DH started to drink from home and stopped going to the pub. I have turned a blind eye really, I feel like I have enabled it by not mentioning it.

Recently his face has started getting bright red, doctors have said its acne rosacea, he's also has fungal patches on his back and IBS. His tummy is very unpredictable.

Last night we were supposed to be going to an event together, just as we were about to leave his stomach was bad. So I went on my own. When I arrived home, he was drinking a glass of wine and had a beer on the go.

I was so cross and asked how he can even think about a drink after his stomach played up. We had a huge argument, mainly him tell me I am trying to control him, trying to turn him into a tea total. This is the first time in a long while I've mentioned his drinking.

I have two teenage daughters who often mention how much he drinks. I make a conscious effort to hardly drink at home so they can see a balance. One of their boyfriends have mentioned his drinking in passing too.

Today he's still frosty with me. I asked why he's not talking and he's just said ‘i don't have anything civil to say to you’.

For context, he drinks 4-5 nights a week depending on his shift. It's usually after tea, he drinks strong beer/lager with a wine or whiskey. He gets up fine the next day and can go to work.

Am I over reacting???

You mentioning it hasn’t caused a bad vibe in the home…. Things will be tense because people with an alcohol problem don’t like it to be pointed out because it means they can’t hide it/excuse it/they have to address it. They also usually have a lot of shame associated with it. But that’s not your thing to sort out (no matter how much you love him). All those things are his responsibility.

Honestly, I read your story and it’s like
being transported back into my past. Get to a point where you can drink socially together….. maybe but unlikely unless he recognises he has a problem and does work to moderate and manage his underlying need to drink excessively. Even then, most people who have had a problem with alcohol really need to abstain rather than moderate. But that’s an individual thing.

Not drinking to prove a point is hardly a healthy way to address the upset his drinking has caused other people in the house. It’s almost gaslighting in a way - “look, I’m not an alcoholic, you’re taking away my fun after a hard week at work because you’re unreasonable”. Then stating he will be drinking (regardless of anything else that might be happening at the weekend) just shows that he cannot possibly function long term without alcohol.

I feel like in your gut you know the truth of the situation but are not yet entirely at a point of being able to say it’s as much of a problem as it is (and I’m saying that because I was the same and I recognise so much of your story). But the fact that your daughter feels relief that he’s not drinking is objectively something that points to it not being a “you” problem. Listen to your intuition and be really, really boundaried about what is acceptable and what isn’t. Hopefully he will get some support (and you can also support him if you choose to).

My husband has been told red wine in moderation only and no more than 1.5 litres of liquid as he is on multiple meds and kidneys won't cope.
He goes a couple of days and then, for example, he mixes brandy in with the red wine... sick of watching it and finding the bottles. He , apparently, is scared of me so I'm now letting him do as he wishes and not looking....can't say I didn't try.

Of course he is an alcoholic
I lived with onetoo , luckily I left so it didn't ruin my sons life. You need to take a cold hard look at this - he can't help himself and will die an alcoholic, get out while you and and stop making excuses.

coming from someone who doesn’t drink but have experience of family members with drink problems I would say that you aren’t being unreasonable. Where you say that he is able to get up and go to work fine the next day sounds like you’re making excuses for him. He is a functioning alcoholic but it could soon escalate. The problem is neither you or your children can make him do anything, he has to want to make the changes himself. Addiction is really awful!