Am I making a big deal about DH’s drinking

[Doseydots]

Since I met DH over 25 years ago, he’s always been a drinker. He'd go the pub most nights, his dad was drinker too.

I've never been a big drinker, I can have a glass of wine or two with friends or in front of the TV, now and again but when I've had enough and I stop. I can go without it and not think about it.

When DC came along DH started to drink from home and stopped going to the pub. I have turned a blind eye really, I feel like I have enabled it by not mentioning it.

Recently his face has started getting bright red, doctors have said its acne rosacea, he's also has fungal patches on his back and IBS. His tummy is very unpredictable.

Last night we were supposed to be going to an event together, just as we were about to leave his stomach was bad. So I went on my own. When I arrived home, he was drinking a glass of wine and had a beer on the go.

I was so cross and asked how he can even think about a drink after his stomach played up. We had a huge argument, mainly him tell me I am trying to control him, trying to turn him into a tea total. This is the first time in a long while I've mentioned his drinking.

I have two teenage daughters who often mention how much he drinks. I make a conscious effort to hardly drink at home so they can see a balance. One of their boyfriends have mentioned his drinking in passing too.

Today he's still frosty with me. I asked why he's not talking and he's just said ‘i don't have anything civil to say to you’.

For context, he drinks 4-5 nights a week depending on his shift. It's usually after tea, he drinks strong beer/lager with a wine or whiskey. He gets up fine the next day and can go to work.

Am I over reacting???

Hope he's not a Liverpool fan.

Also, I sincerely apologise for my deeply inappropriate username, I don’t actually have gin at breakfast time!

Just to add: rosacea is genetic but drinking can cause a flare-up. It's the reason for the classic stereotype of the alcoholic with a big red nose.

If I drink after I eat, it always turns into a right shit show. It just pickles good food.

Thank you all for your helpful replies, I’ve read the links and I like the idea of using this as thread as a diary.

DH didn't drink last night. We haven't spoken yet. I probably won't see him before work so I dont know if he’s still cross with me. I am going to talk to him about it, and let him know I worry about him. I will try to pick my time wisely.

When I met my now hubby he was a drinker pretty much everyday after work. I said I won't marry and have children if it wasn't cut down luckily I meant more and he now only has a drink if he goes out occasionally or when he has days off and not to the extent he used to couple of beers which is fine now. I wouldn't have married him if he had continued to what I originally seen.4-5 cans and couple whiskies each night didn't want any potential kids seeing that we now have 4

You can have problems with drinking without being an addict. I consider myself an alcoholic, though I wasn't physically addicted to alcohol (in the sense that I had no withdrawals when I stopped, even though I was a daily drinker and drinking a huge amount). But I use the term alcoholic because it probably best describes how I drank (I'm over a year sober now).

But I know lots of sober people in my support groups who drank like your dh or less. You don't need to be a daily drinker or have lost your job or to be physically addicted to have a problem and be better off stopping. Actually most people I know who are sober now, drank fairly 'normally' for their peer groups. It's just that our 'normal' levels of drinking, especially in the UK, can be quite high. So I wouldn't get hung up on whether he is an alcoholic or an addict because you don't have to be either to have a problem or to struggle to quit.

If you are worried about him, what I would do is to talk to him about it in a non-judgemental way and just let him know you're worried about him and his drinking. Do Dry July or Sober October or whatever together. Come up with things to do as a family that don't involve sitting around drinking or going to the pub. It was actually several conversations with my dh with him telling me how worried he was about me that helped it all click into place. It didn't happen right away. It actually took about two years since we first did Dry January together and started having those conversations. But it did make a difference.

What didn't help was the checking up on me, seeing what/if I was drinking, asking how many I'd had, etc. People with a drinking problem are very good at being secretive. If they want to drink, they will. I'm a year+ sober now and I still occasionally find a random empty bottle that rolls out from somewhere. Once I knew my dh was keeping an eye on how much I was drinking, I just did it more discreetly.

As for his digestive issues, I actually developed the same. It was due to pancreatic inflammation, which can be caused by lots of things, but I assume mine was caused at least in part by the drinking. My pancreas eventually stopped working really and now I have something called pancreatic insufficiency, which means I have to take a lot of tablets to replace the enzymes that a normal healthy pancreas would make but mine doesn't. It's not curable, but I can live a normal life with it. But stopping drinking helped with my symptoms enormously, as you can only imagine it would. It's worth pursuing a diagnosis with the GP if he hasn't already. There are a number of related conditions - bile acid malabsorption, SIBO, etc. which are not IBS and can to a degree me treated.

My mum says exactly the same to anyone that comments on her drinking- that it’s us being controlling and she’s free to do what she wants.

True.. but no one else is obliged to watch or maintain relations with you when you behave badly and won’t compromise with those around you who you share life with.

Imo my mums an alcoholic. I think your DH is aswell. Agree with the pp who says you can attempt to discuss it and say you don’t feel you are very compatible… ultimately it’s for you to decide where your red lines are. Best of luck. I get the impression from your op he is lowering your quality of life not adding to it. x

Thank you so much for all your messages. They are helping so much. Things are still frosty. I know what’s bothering him. He will be working nights from tomorrow for the next three nights. He would normally be having a few tonight before starting them. He will be toying whether to have a drink or not.

Dh didn't drink last night, he will be working the next 3 nights. By the time he's finished he will have gone 5 days without a drink. For as long as I've known him, he’s never been this long without it.

He is still moody but I am going to talk to him today, clear the air and explain my worries come from a place of love.

Op as pp have suggested, you will get help and support from Al Anon.

Good luck with your conversation. People can’t argue with your experience- so if you say “when you drink it makes me feel x,y,x”, it may be better received than “I’ve noticed that you ..”.
One of the things that hit home for me was my DH saying “I am dreading Christmas because of your drinking”. Ouch.

Oh my that didn’t go well at all. I stayed calm. He told e that I had never been so hurtful to him. That I called him an alcoholic (those words didn’t come out of my mouth). He said I have taken the enjoyment out of him having a beers and he will never be able to enjoy another beer again without feeling guilty.

I told him I was worried about him and that the girls ask me about it. He didn’t acknowledge any of this just kept saying that he likes to have a beer like most people.

He's in denial, which isn't surprising and he's trying to make you feel guilty for pulling him up on it.

I really would encourage Al-Anon. They can support you - because truthfully you can't sort this out for him, he's the only one that needs to recognise where he is with drink. All you can do from this point on is to set your boundaries before you reach crisis with him. And stick to them.

Hi Doseydots

I’m reading this as if im reading my own history. This is exactly the way things used to go with my ex.

sooo here is my (totally unsolicited) advice…

-Trust your instincts. Addicts lie through their teeth to make sure they can continue to use whatever substance they are using. Be really really honest with yourself… is he drinking coke on its own or do you have an inkling he is adding booze to it? Is he honestly not drinking on the
days you think he hasn’t? Do you think his drinking is comparable to most? Any time you have even the slightest feeling there is a flexing of the truth on any level, let yourself explore that. be really aware to gaslighting and misrepresenting the truth.

-get yourself some support. Eg Al anon, change grow live, there are various groups. Also be open with your close friends and family. There’s a lot of time spent by spouses trying to cover up/maintain confidentiality etc, but by it’s nature the addiction massively affects the spouse (even to the point of significant abuse sometimes) and the struggles and challenges the spiuse
faces deserve to be acknowledged and supported. You will need a support network because it is a long and lonely road otherwise.

-never let yourself minimise his behaviour, (but equally don’t shame him for it). Alcoholism is so easily hidden because it’s legal and you can buy booze everywhere.

-be gentle with yourself. You will either stay and try and work it out with him and support him, or he will be unreceptive to that and you’ll have to stay and accept That, or leave and accept that. All avenues are valid and people will have all sorts of different opinions aboit what you should Or shouldn’t do in the long run, but only you know in your heart and situation what is right.

Addiction is an absolute bitch and im
sending you loads of good wishes through the ether and I really hope it works out for you. Sending you lots of love

Thank you again for your replies. They are helping so much.

I was on a work do last night, I drove and just had a glass of wine. A few of my colleagues were a little shocked because I normally have a few and can be the life and sole, but it was fine. I was taking in how the drink was flowing around me. How much fun everyone was having, the laughter and the chatter. I enjoyed myself too but also doubted myself. Wondering if DH is right, am I spoiling his fun. The alcohol just seemed to flow naturally without a care from anybody. It didn’t bother me not drinking, I was fine and feel good today but it did make me wonder.

Tonight will be similar, I have a couple of friends coming, again the wine would normally be out and I would have a few large glasses. I am picking up DD from a party later on so I won’t be having any. It won’t bother me if the others drink but I can imagine I will have the doubts again.

It’s hard not to convince myself that DH is right, when everyone around me seems to be drinking on a similar level without a care in the world.

@Doseydots, it’s so confusing isn’t it, how some people can drink without it being a problem and others it’s a massive problem.

i think the difference here is that the comparison of people out drinking socially and then still getting on with ‘normal’ life vs someone who is drinking 4/5 nights a week which I assume means he’s not engaging as fully as he should/could be with family life. It’s not just about enjoying himself when he’s drinking as frequently as he is. And the fact that you have even questioned it means you know deep down he has a problem.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you both x

He will be functioning until he isn't.

Hes come home from work still grumpy with me. He sarcastically asked if l will be drinking with my friends tonight.

I intend to avoid him over the next few days which is easy when he’s on nights. He’s not going to spoil my weekend.

Stay strong OP, he’s lashing out at you because his drinking is being threatened and he’s doing everything he can to protect it. Staying out of his way seems like a good plan.

I’m so sorry op, it’s a really hard situation.
I fully agree with others; he has a problem and is attacking you because you’ve reminded him of that.
I have been supporting my dh through similar for 3 years - now trial separation to see if he can get himself together after it’s affected the teens, drunk driving charges and a work suspension all due to alcohol.
establish your boundaries, but sadly be prepared for them to be broken.
Thinking of you

The fact he reacted that way shows he does have a problem because he is trying to push you into not mentioning it again. He will probably not drink for a few days to prove he can easily stop if he wants to, then go back to normal hoping he has put you off saying anything.

Good morning this is exactly what he’s doing. So last night he said to me ‘just to let you know I will be having a beer tonight seen as though i have to let you know beforehand’. He had one. Something he never ever does. Tonight we are out at dog training, it was last week this all started. He couldn’t come with me because of his stomach and I came home to him drinking. He has said to me this morning ‘I won’t eat before we go, I’d hate a repeat of last week’. He’s referring to me having a go at him.

We are never like this, we hardly ever fall out. This is a side to him I’ve not seen.

We went dog training and it was fine. DH didn’t have a drink when we got home. It’s been lovely sleeping through the night without being woken by his snoring.