Am I making a big deal about DH’s drinking

[Doseydots]

Since I met DH over 25 years ago, he’s always been a drinker. He'd go the pub most nights, his dad was drinker too.

I've never been a big drinker, I can have a glass of wine or two with friends or in front of the TV, now and again but when I've had enough and I stop. I can go without it and not think about it.

When DC came along DH started to drink from home and stopped going to the pub. I have turned a blind eye really, I feel like I have enabled it by not mentioning it.

Recently his face has started getting bright red, doctors have said its acne rosacea, he's also has fungal patches on his back and IBS. His tummy is very unpredictable.

Last night we were supposed to be going to an event together, just as we were about to leave his stomach was bad. So I went on my own. When I arrived home, he was drinking a glass of wine and had a beer on the go.

I was so cross and asked how he can even think about a drink after his stomach played up. We had a huge argument, mainly him tell me I am trying to control him, trying to turn him into a tea total. This is the first time in a long while I've mentioned his drinking.

I have two teenage daughters who often mention how much he drinks. I make a conscious effort to hardly drink at home so they can see a balance. One of their boyfriends have mentioned his drinking in passing too.

Today he's still frosty with me. I asked why he's not talking and he's just said ‘i don't have anything civil to say to you’.

For context, he drinks 4-5 nights a week depending on his shift. It's usually after tea, he drinks strong beer/lager with a wine or whiskey. He gets up fine the next day and can go to work.

Am I over reacting???

I think you need to bring it up more neutrally and in a more caring way, not reactively when he's mid drink and enjoying if. He does seem to have dependency or at least a very bad habit, so won't be included to quit due to a happy comment

Snappy

Thank you for replying. That's a good idea, I never know when to talk about it so it bubbles up.

You could say that over the years his drinking habit has become less and less compatible with what you want in a partner and it's now not only affecting his health, but his relationship with you and that of his daughters. Tell him that you'd like to set aside some time to talk about it calmly as you'd like to hear about how he feels.

It's likely he will dig in, and there's nothing you can do to make someone stop drinking if they don't want to, so it's really down to what you feel you want for yourself. People are going to do what they're going to do, and I don't know any addict that stopped because they were told to unfortunately.

It sounds like his drinking is a problem, and the very problem with that is that he's not going to want to hear it. The PP is right in that you don't want to discuss it when he's drinking, and it needs to be more of an "i'm worried about you" conversation than a "you're drinking too much" conversation.

Is it worth you talking to Al-Anon? They were a massive support to my aunt when my uncle's drinking got to be an issue.

I wish he did want to do it himself.

He’s angry because he’s an addict protecting his addiction. The fact that your daughters and their friends comment on his drinking is very telling. I agree that Al-Anon might help you.

I haven't thought of contacting them. I think I need to get my own head around it too. I've ignored it for so long.

So he has a beer and a glass of wine/a whiskey. That's two drinks four or five nights a week. Have I got that right?

He's grumpy tonight because his football team are playing and he would normally have a drink.

He's bought a bottle of coke instead. Should I see this as a positive?

On the nights he drinks, he will have 4-5 beers, a glass of wine and whiskey

Has he bought the coke to drink, or to act as a mixer? Some people think you can't smell the spirits through the mixer. I used to think that - I drink very little these days!

No he's bought it to drink on his own. I can't imagine he would hide it from me.

Yes, that seems positive as he seems to have taken the conversation on board.

If you have a drink problem (and I’m speaking from experience here!) you know you have a problem but it’s often too scary to admit it, and you don’t know what to do about it. So if someone raises it, you minimise or argue. Change is possible (I’m 2 years sober now) but you have to really want it, and it’s not easy

Rosacea is genetic & autoimmune, I don't drink & still have it.

The rest sounds grim. He could have a liver check?

Thank for that, I think that's why I put off talking about it, I avoid arguments and conflict.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6357a7d7e90e0777a45a9caa/Alcohol-use-disorders-identification-test-for-consumption-AUDIT-C_for-print.pdf

My previous post is a link to the 2 screening tests used in the NHS to screen for alcohol misuse disorders : AUDIT C and CAGE

It does sound like he is addicted, but others were correct in saying you need to bring it up when he is sober and not as reactive. You don't need to be falling down drunk to be an alcoholic.

Those links are very helpful, he would score high.

Do you think it would be an all or nothing situation? I would love for us to be able to go to the pub for a glass of wine every now and then without it being an issue.

A silly question but is an addict and an alcoholic the same thing???

Yes. Not a silly question at all. Alcoholism is an addiction to alcohol.

No . An addict can suffer cravings and withdrawal symptoms. Alcohol misuse eg binge drinking is harmful but people don’t necessarily drink daily

There are no silly questions and alcohol addiction is different to some drug addiction as you can be dependent on alcohol without being physically addicted. Tbh the labels matter less than the way it’s affecting you and your family.

Don’t get your hopes up over one night on coke instead of beer. I’d suggest that you keep a diary of your thoughts and feelings and how his drinking is affecting you and family life (you can treat this thread as a diary if you like). If you have lived with an alcoholic for a long time you can forget what normal life looks like.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/