Am I making a big deal about DH’s drinking

[Doseydots]

Since I met DH over 25 years ago, he’s always been a drinker. He'd go the pub most nights, his dad was drinker too.

I've never been a big drinker, I can have a glass of wine or two with friends or in front of the TV, now and again but when I've had enough and I stop. I can go without it and not think about it.

When DC came along DH started to drink from home and stopped going to the pub. I have turned a blind eye really, I feel like I have enabled it by not mentioning it.

Recently his face has started getting bright red, doctors have said its acne rosacea, he's also has fungal patches on his back and IBS. His tummy is very unpredictable.

Last night we were supposed to be going to an event together, just as we were about to leave his stomach was bad. So I went on my own. When I arrived home, he was drinking a glass of wine and had a beer on the go.

I was so cross and asked how he can even think about a drink after his stomach played up. We had a huge argument, mainly him tell me I am trying to control him, trying to turn him into a tea total. This is the first time in a long while I've mentioned his drinking.

I have two teenage daughters who often mention how much he drinks. I make a conscious effort to hardly drink at home so they can see a balance. One of their boyfriends have mentioned his drinking in passing too.

Today he's still frosty with me. I asked why he's not talking and he's just said ‘i don't have anything civil to say to you’.

For context, he drinks 4-5 nights a week depending on his shift. It's usually after tea, he drinks strong beer/lager with a wine or whiskey. He gets up fine the next day and can go to work.

Am I over reacting???

Have you ever spoken to him before about his drinking being an issue?

Also you say this is a side of him you have not seen before. But you also have told us yiu avoid conflict. So is it simply a side you deep down knew about and as soon as there's are glimmer of it, you have always actively retreated your behaviour or worked to prevent it coming out?

I would suspect at the moment you are going through a very standard cycle of alcoholic and enabler. Which is enabler ignores or puts up with the drinking until something happens (could be anything but will be something connected to the drinking) which causes the enabler to mention the drinking to the alcoholic. (This wont always be an argument). The alcoholic becomes defensive and then "proves" they can not drink. Enabler is pleased and hopeful because the alcoholic is not drinking. However eventually things slip back into how they always were, until the next time the enabler mentions the drinking.

This cycle can be very short or very long but it's the same pattern.

Also note that a person can be an alcoholic without needing to drink in the morning or even daily drinking. They won't always experience withdrawal either. Signs are drinking alcohol is an very strong feature of their life. Number one thing, which affects all other things in their life somehow.

This is all making sense. I am learning lots from thread.

I asked him if we could be friends again, he said that I had really upset him. I told him that I was worried about him. He then said I had gone about it in the wrong way.

I get it that I should have waited and not reacted from a place of anger. However if I had spoken to him calmly he would still have been behaving like he is. Understanding the cycle helps. And I do think I avoid discussing it because I know what the outcome will be.

His drinking is the elephant in the room.

In answer to your question, no you are not making too big a deal about his drinking. However, he is not going to stop until he is internally motivated to do so.
If you’re lucky, he might realise that he enjoys this current period of sobriety and wants it to continue.
If you’re unlucky, you’re in the cycle described by @AnImaginaryCat .
In which case, at the first sign of recidivism I (if I were in your situation) would say something. And it would be along the lines of, ‘When you’re drinking, you behave like a dick. It is affecting your health and your appearance and embarrassing our daughters. I’m not going to say anything more about it, but you must know that if you continue drinking like this, there will come a time when we (our daughters and I) cannot take any more.’
It’s not an ultimatum, but it is pointing out the consequences of his drinking and pushing the ball firmly into his court.

I am reading up about being an enabler. I can really identify myself 😞

I've always said that drinking becomes a problem when it affects your health, your relationships, or your job. In your DH's case, it is affecting his relationships and his health, so needs to be dealt with. I don't think you are asking him to totally stop drinking, just not in excess on a daily habit.

I do think he is sulking and trying to prove a point, but please stay firm for the health of your relationships.

We're all guilty of enabling people in some ways - the good part is that you're now aware of it, and the likelihood is that he's going to be on his best behaviour for a while with his drinking to "prove you wrong". Only the danger is that he's now hiding it from you...

Just keep your guard up, that's all you can do.

I am going to keep this thread going as a diary for myself. And to keep reading the useful information.

Things are less tense, he didn’t have a drink again last night. He came in from work, watched a little TV and went to bed.

I am out with a friend tonight. She also has problems with alcohol. I am going to drive as I have been tipsy with her a few times and I don’t think it would be appropriate right now.

Don’t let him guilt trip you. This is all his responsibility!

i am doing my best not to feel guilty. He didn’t drink again last night. I went out with my friend and we shared a bottle of wine. She wanted to carry on and would have stayed out longer.I am glad we didn’t.

This weekend is going to be interesting. Our weekends are usually filled with dog walks and pubs.

Pubs are usually better stocked with AF beers than alternatives to wine, so if you both decide not to drink your DH might find that easier than you! Lucky Saint and 0 Guinness are good options if they have them.

Yes, you’re in a cycle because he hasn’t recognised the problem and he hasn’t made any changes. A handful of sober evenings means nothing.

It’s likely that he will start to conceal his drinking from you to avoid hassle.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

Sorry, why are you feeling guilty?

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but I feel me mentioning it has caused a bad vibe in the home. I feel guilty that I’ve never mentioned it before. I really need to sort my head out because part of my just wants to carry on ignoring it but then another part of me knows it isn’t right and it needs to be addressed.

My DD said to me last night ‘dad hasn’t had a drink all week, he’s been so much more cheerful, I heard him opening a can and thought it was a beer but it was just a coke’.

She’s 17, and part of me is glad that she realises that his drinking isn’t normal and another part is sad that she’s heard that can and had those thoughts.

The thing is now because your eyes are now open to the reality of the situation you'll start to notice the affects it had on everyone. You're also going to start wondering why you tolerated it so much and for so long - which manifestes as guilt.

Also this is part of the cycle.
Unless he's seeking help to stop, he's not actively not drinking he's proving you wrong.

How is his mood? Is he still annoyed with you?

Have you considered what you will do when he starts drinking again?

Things are less tense but I can feel he is annoyed.

He didn’t drink again last night, he had a can of coke after work then went to bed. He’s had a stressful few days at work, this is when he would normally have a drink.

My DD spoke to him last night saying how nice it is he’s not drinking, that drinking too much isn’t good. He replied by saying that he thinks he deserves a drink after the week he’s had at work and he will be drinking over the weekend.

I realise he hasn’t stopped drinking, he is trying to prove a point. I am not sure what I will do when he does drink again. I would like us to be able to drink socially without it been an issue. Is this doable ??

If he has a problem with alcohol, he has a problem with alcohol, and can’t turn it off and on to suit you. Sorry if that sounds harsh. “Moderation” is the dream of anyone with an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, but a very small percentage manage this. You are both buying into the stories that society tells us about alcohol - him that alcohol is something he “deserves” after a hard week at work, you that alcohol is required to have a good time socially.

This is really hard for both of you. Good luck

I know this isn't an official definition but years ago someone told me that a sign of an alcoholic isn't someone who can't stop drinking for a while, but someone who can't just have one and stop. I get the feeling that your husband is like this. He had "proved" to you he isn't addicted by stopping for a few days, but I doubt he'd be able to just have one beer a couple of nights a week.

It's extremely unlikely I'm afraid. There could be short periods where it appears it's possible though, because he's not drinking like you described in your OP. It's those it's-not-really-an-issue periods that keep you hopeful and in the cycle.

Do you want to have a life of eternal hope that there won't be a issue and it"ll just work itself out? Do you feel a deep down fear daily he'll drink today and you'll just have to act like its ok when he do so not to upset the apple cart? Do you experience that dread and sinking disappointed when you find he has started drinking or you hear him can open? (Or that delight and relief to discover its OK because it's just a can of coke?)

Rinse and repeat.

It's worth remembering alcoholics aren't necessarilly bad people. They can be lovely. But you can chose not to live your life in the endless cycle if you want. I can't tell you it's not very upsetting if you do chose not to live with it, because if he won't stop drinking you have to leave.

It's up to you if you want that to be your life. How much is it impacting everyone?

It's hard to break the cycle. You've got to change your own behaviour and accept you can't change his.

Hi OP,

It sounds like both of you have lives that revolve around alcohol - which is massively common today.

Your husband switches off by sedating himself with alcohol. Your social life has a lot of drinking with friends.

You'd like your DP to be more of a social drinker, like you. But you can't see either of your lives without alcohol entirely.

I have a similar situation and over the last few years, we've both tried drinking less, not drinking at home, only drinking at weekends, etc. it's always slid back.

From my side, I have now decided to give up drinking entirely for a while. It's taking up too much headspace for me.

My DH knows that too much drinking isn't helpful as he gets older. Me not drinking is helpful for him in general as it removes temptation and enabling from general life as he doesn't like to drink alone.

the snoring should ne enough to make him stop or for you to go sleep in another room you poor lass, sleep deprivation due to snoring is worst... I could not live with or date a snorer, especially someone who inflicted it on me willingly through drinking too much (unless serious medical condition they couldn't help, id still sleep in another room though) . Sleep is too important. How often hs his booze induced snoring keeping you awake and disrupting your sleep?

The line between enabling and love is so difficult.

I realise he hasn’t stopped drinking, he is trying to prove a point
which is exactly what a pp said he would do. What a shame for your children.

It does sound to me like alcohol is a big part of both your lives. Even though you are more moderate the fact that do multiple social activities a week centred on alcohol and you are concerned you won't be able to drink with DH in future....

I used to be a big drinker but I haven't drank in 3 heads, DH doesn't either. I can still do everything I did before my life is absolutely not less fun in anyway. I genuinely love being a non drinker. I don't use alcohol as a crutch for stress or to make me more sociable. It's a lot to reposition in your head but you can get there if you want a life like this.

3 years not heads! What a strange autocorrect 😂

I don’t think the two of you drinking sociably is a great goal, to be honest.

As someone said above, maybe you both need to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol. Break the dependence, break the cycle. That’s a good hope.

But it’s not going to happen if he doesn’t make the decision to stop himself. And that’s not going to happen until he realises what’s at stake.

I’m sorry that I don’t think it’s going to be comfortable. But he’s been too comfortable with drinking for far too long.