The continuing support thread for living alcohol free, every day. Everyone welcome.

[Blackberryblossom]

Hello, and welcome to the alcohol-free support thread. The original thread was started about three years ago by drybird.

We’re a broad community who have all chosen to live alcohol free for good. Whatever your reasons, whatever you’re going through, someone here will have been there too. People here will have done that first sober holiday, first sober Christmas/birthday/work do/wedding/funeral, first AF night out with the drinking friends, first (and 2nd and 3rd…) AF Friday night/Sunday lunch, first day 31/day 101, first lapse. Don’t be shy about posting, we love all the successes of whatever shape and size and we have all been there too when things go wrong.

If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quit altogether then maybe have a look at the long-running and very active moderation/abstaining thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board? Lots of support there too.

Brew yourself a and come on in!

Hello (again!)@Onewildandpreciouslife and hello @Womanshour

Thankyou. good suggestion to think about triggers. my marriage is difficult. feeling lonely and that some deeper connection is missing in my life is probably the biggest trigger.
also a feeling that if i don't drink if i'm with people, i won't have fun.
it's the early evening that's hard. if i get beyond that, i'm fine.

Would love to help keep each other going @Womanshour - well done on day 11 - that's amazing! I am day 10.

@livingalivelife and @Womanshour I'm currently in a similar position to you and hating myself. It is very difficult. But we can do it, and we will. Keep posting. We hear you; we get it. xx

Hello @REP22 we can be in good company together then!

I am waiting for some rush of wellness or at least feeling rested but I just feel exhausted. Fridays are a tough day in this whole process but I will be thankful tomorrow to keeping to tea and hot chocolate!

Yes 🙂I'm pretty much at the end of my rope today as well. But I have bought some M&S Belgian Chocolate milkshake to see me through the danger zone tonight.

Strength and love. x

Hello @REP22 and @Womanshour I'm with you this Friday night. is one of the most difficult points of the week for me too. Getting some work done, then cooking the supper. Solidarity x

PS let's not hate ourselves @REP22 ! We are awesome for being here and keeping on. I'm commiting to this time being it for me, and forgiving myself for lapses. Raising my Becks blue to you.

Weekends are hard. I do feel really boring not drinking. I do turn down more social invites now… because I feel dull and it’s not as fun.

I know the reality of that is that I actually socialise in a meaningful way, with people whose time I value, and not just to get pissed. But life is quieter without boozing. And after a lifetime of enjoying the party and being the last one standing, it’s taking a while to get used to sitting with stillness and quiet. It’s fine most of the time… but sometimes I really want to let rip.

But I wont and I know I wont regret that choice.

solidarity 👊 to the Friday night crew.

Thanks @livingalivelife much appreciated. And I salute you and our fellow warrioresses with my chocolate milk. Courage, mes amies. ❤️ xx

@livingalivelife and @REP22 how are you both?

Day 13. Managed dinner out last night (with someone who doesn't drink much) and had a lovely time. Struggled with wanting to drink, even wanting to pull into a garage on the way home but didn't.

Hoping you all have nice weekends ahead x

Good morning @Womanshour , @livingalivelife and fellow goddesses. Day 13 is fantastic, congratulations. It is a real achievement and I know how much courage and determination it has cost you. Brilliant. I made it through the night too and I'll be honest, like you I found it a struggle. But we made it. I've put a load of washing on and filled the bird feeders. I'm currently sitting on the step of my French windows with the dog in front of me on our little patio, savouring how lovely the birdsong is. It's so nice to have a clear head to appreciate it.

But it was a hard slog last night. But I've succeeded before and I will again. I reminded myself by rereading a MN thread that had a profound effect on me and I've 'bumped' it back up the strand. It's called "The Reality of the End". Be warned - it is honest, raw and disturbing (though brave) reading. But that is why I must keep going, because that's what awaits me if I don't. And the sober feelings and life are so very worth it.

In a supreme and cruel twist of irony, the one single glass monthly recycling bucket in the whole street that got missed by the binmen yesterday was mine. Gits. So off to the community bins for the clanking walk of shame I shall shortly go. Hopefully for the last ever time this time. It's only a couple of bottles, but that's still two too many. 😥

It really is a good morning to be sober. I would take a picture of the dog to share with you, but he's just started licking his, er, "Pirate of Menzpance" and is enjoying himself a bit too enthusiastically. Nobody needs to see that.

Keep going. We can do it. Strength and love. xx

Morning @REP22 and @Womanshour and well done - I managed too - it was fine because I had to work, and my DH being away helps - was just me and teenage DCs on of whom went out.
Am enjoying the sunshine on a lovely spring day at a break in my oboe group, and like you feeling grateful for a clear head.
Will look at that thread - I need all the inspiration of any kind I can get right now.

Thank you @REP22 I will have a read of that. Certainly sounds like something I need to think about x

Been thinking about my triggers. I drink when i feel empty. I drink (my therapist has identified) when i feel that something is missing. i drink when i'm lonely although on the face of it i have a full life. i think i often feel lonely when with my dh. it's harder not to drink with him than any other time.
determined to think deeply about the trigger now else i'm just going to repeat the lapsing.
want to have a nice evening with the dcs tonight (dh away). tempting to have a drink. and that's awful. i don't want thme to see that i'm having a drink on my own with them. that it becomes part of relaxing with them. just want to have a chat, catch up with their lives, watch a film. yet the thought of a drink to soothe life away makes it all seem so much mroe appealing.

I hear you @livingalivelife . Emptiness is a big trigger for me too. Just me and the dog in my world. But that means little - you can live in a close-knit family of 20 yet still be terribly lonely at heart. I have found therapy very helpful too over the years, and it has given me many useful skills going forward. It sounds like you have a good one.

I also wonder how ever I will sleep at night without a drink. But the morning and ongoing after effects of the few glasses are an increasingly high and grim price to pay for the usually less than an hour's worth of the relaxed and tipsy facade of "happiness". That's what I am having to repeat to myself at the moment though.

Keep going though, it will be so worth it; for you and your DCs. Hope you have had a lovely evening together, and very many more to come.

Strength and love xx

A challenge for me tonight - a friend over, DH cooking a really complicated meal for dinner for us all, and he bought wine to have with it (he had been giving up alongside me).

I drank 3 cans of 0% Guinness over the 6 hours plus plenty of water.

This is the first time I’ve had an alcohol-free evening when we’ve been doing the “fine dining” thing.

I’m glad I was able to stick with not drinking, and also to still enjoy the food.

Good for you @HappyAsAGrig. How did you find it?

On the times I've not drunk the start has often been harder and actually during the evening has been ok.

Thanks @REP22 that thread was what I needed. I have a nasty habit of trying to convince myself that I don't really have a problem... I can have one or one evening. The stories in that thread about people being 'functioning alcholics' and loosing it all in a matter of months helped. The phrase "you can have alcohol or you can have everything else". It really helped me last night so thank you.

@livingalivelife good for you for thining through your triggers. My triggers seem to be so wide, to celebrate, I'm bored, I'm upset... just in response to any emotion it seems. I am working 7 days a week currently with no light in the tunnel about when this will end. At the weekends I'm finding it especially hard as I just don't feel there is any reward for working so hard. I'm not getting the waking up feeling great (or even good yet) treat yet as I've been unwell (colds etc) since stopping. So I've been having chocolate which isn't helping the waistline.

Just taking it one day at a time... day 14 today. X

Morning!

I am jumping on board if you please.

I hadn't had a drink at all for about three weeks and then had a stressful week and ended up tucking into some leftover fizz on Thursday, then more wine on Friday and a couple of glasses last night too. Never large amounts, but I know how easily I'll get into the habit of a few glasses of wine / a whole bottle most nights / every night.

Thinking about doing AA online as well.

Good morning mes aimies.
Sorry I've been awol.
Two early mornings when I've been out of the door before breakfast and the social media fix. Car mot and dog clip.
I switched nytol last night to the blue big guns and it worked. The RA and fibromaylgia have been evil. I cried last night but thankfully feel a bit better today.

If it helps our newbies I'll give you a potted history of my alcohol dependancy.
I was a teenage drinker from 14. I was bullied at home by three members of my family. I sort comfort in drinking and slightly too old for me boys. I just wanted someone to love me. I was nobody's favourite.
I worked in my current profession all through college and university and ended up in training and development. Later the faster track of sales. A rare woman in a male dominated area of the business. The lads were big drinkers so I became one too. Luckily I didn't drink in the week and our top brass were used to the hangovers of day two at conferences. I was in my twenties and it was the 1990s, nothing to see here.
Tbh I didn't consider I had a drinking problem but my husband and friends commented on it a lot. I could go weeks without booze.
At 33 I became pregnant having been told we couldn't have children. I suffered hugely at work for letting the side down. I was the only female MD worldwide. We moved to the country as I didn't want a urban upbringing for our son. I didn't drink in pregnancy and had the best health of my life. My parents came to live with us. We had plenty of room or so I thought! My mother would be diagnosed as bipolar these days and the five years she was with us went back to the games and bullying of my childhood. I started to drink again when I met a group of bored ex professional women at the school gate. I would say I drank more then than at any time. A bottle a night was the norm. More at weekends.
We moved away after my mother died of hidden cancer. I had a new baby but had been unwell. Sadly I had developed Rheumatoid Arthritis. I sobered up until we suffered a devastating financial hit. We lost everything, our home, our investments. From very comfortable we had to find a rental home. None were that. We were heavily abused and discriminated against. My answer? The bottle. I never liked spirits but any person who was serving the drinks had me as a buddy.
My father did the school run as he still lived with us so I never drove over the limit. I didn't really have a lot of professional contracts due to it being post the crash. I sold my jewellery and clothes to keep going. My booze made me feel better about that because my work was the only thing people admired me for. I didn't meet the yummy criteria.
We turned a corner eight years ago and I got a top job out of the blue. It probably saved me from full blown alcoholism.
My identity is tied up in my work because it was the only praise I had from my family. I loved that job but I had to resign as my father became terminally ill. To get through the 18 hour days I drank each night from 5pm. I could function, cooking, tidying, holding a conversation. However my children were now teenagers and they were angry with me. Could I drop them off to see friends? No I was drinking, would I slur at those friends if they visited? Yes. I cringe at my behaviour from those days. But an alcoholic sees no issue, it's only wine, it won't kill you until it does. I went full out to bury the pain of my father's passing in the daily ritual of savigion blanc. My younger brother too. My dad was one of the good ones in a competitive, non loving family. I even met a new drinking buddy who liked a daily booze up. She turned out to be just there for the free drinks.
We finally moved into a jolly home. All our stuff went into storage and we had a friend as a landlord. It gave us time to heal. I had a new job not long after moving but sadly for my sober journey my boss was an alcoholic. I loved the product and the people but the decisions made when she was drunk caused mayhem in the business. In hindsight if I had stayed working there I would have needed rehab. The culture was too toxic.
In January 2022 I joined this thread and began my sober journey.
I had six months of therapy and discovered why I drank.
My 100 days sober was celebrated by me announcing I was leaving the group and was cured!
What a fall that was. I made myself very sick. I came back with my tail between legs. Booze after abstinence stinks.
I lost two friends by not drinking (both liked my generous hosting). Another I found to have used my alcoholism to make fun of me and put me down. She's still around but I see her less. My sister also but that relates to her violence towards me. She is not a nice person and I told her so just before I gave up the grape.
I have fallen off the wagon on occasion but I get back up there. I don't want the anger from my now adult children or the disappointment from my DH. One of the loveliest things my son ever said was he was proud of me for giving up the grog.
In the early days I had to have a substitute drink. Often Gordon's AF. Now I just drink milk.
I'm not cured lads. I'm just a one day at a time dry drunk. I love champagne and luckily not prosecco which everyone offers me.
As time goes on I think less about wine and more about calories and wrinkles. I'm down five stone through not drinking and soaking it up with cheese and crisps.
Fridays are still difficult for me and I avoid free bars.
I can talk openly about my struggles because that is not me anymore. I still have some shame and for me that keeps me from the booze shelves.
The journey has not been easy but I'm proud of me. You should all be proud too of every day you don't drink.
Good luck today and always,
your friend Wendy.

Thank you @WendyWagon. That was an emotional roller coaster just reading it and although I've never met you I feel proud of you! I'm not gushy in general btw, so this is a genuine response.

My mum died of alcoholism combined with an eating disorder pretty young.

I was a big boozer in my youth, can still put it away if i put my mind to it. I also dabbled in eating disorders and the odd recreational drug too! The full deck if you will 😂.

My danger / trigger is often thinking I'm eating too much because I miss booze, so I'd better start drinking again 😬. Any advice how to counter this 'logic' would change my life tbh.

Anyway, I'm glad I found this thread.

@DayOneDoris good morning.

Thank you for your kind words.

With food I have always eaten too much. I was an athlete as a school girl so huge portions. When the games stopped I put on weight. I also stuff myself when upset.

When we first give up booze we seek to replace the sugar. I used fruit. A posh mango or grapes. Mine, not for thieving teenagers who clear the fridge!
I don't have a sweet tooth but I can put away the cheese or I use to. Now I might have a rice pudding.

One thing I did do was upped my posh food spend. I can't really stand at the moment to cook so I order marks luxury food (we don't go out much). It's my treat and cheaper than my old wine habit.
Early days of not drinking need a toolkit.
Books, podcasts etc.

Good luck. X

@WendyWagon thanks so much for sharing your story. The shame being a good motivator to keep away from booze is a helpful use of it.

@DayOneDoris hello, lovely to meet someone else at the start. Keeping posting is absolutely helping keeping me on track. X

Thanks @WendyWagon very much for sharing yor story so fully - it's nice to have that catch up - you are an inspriational presence on the thread. I agree about spoiling ourselves to keep going eg your M&S food. Why not. We were spending more on booze.

Hello @DayOneDoris I know about the full deck too. I've had a ton of therapy and here I still am struggling with the booze but I figure if I can address this bit of the jigsaw, it will help the other bits. It is a bit overwhleming to address everything at once - can you cut yourself some slack on food, and be really proud of yourself for quitting booze - spoil yourself rather than punish?

I've tried and tried to quit alcohol and most other things in life emotionally on my own. Joining the thread and getting the support of others is a change. I'm beginning to undersatnd the advice about finding one's tribe in order to achieve change. Relationships are so important. Might not sound like rocket science but it's something new to me.

Thanks for the support and encouragement @REP22 and @Womanshour Sometimes i htink I drink whenever i have any strong feeling at all and get overwhelmed.

Hello and well done @HappyAsAGrig I think what you did was amazing.

I've never read your full story WW thank you for sharing.

I've never fully shared my story either but my drinking was steeped in trauma, sadness and the need for escapism.

I am sure it's another thing we all have in common. We all have a reason to drink?
We also all have a reason to want to be sober too.

Being AF hasn't magically solved my issues or radically changed my life for the better but being sober has allowed me to cope with my issues in a calm(er), controlled and composed manner. Being sober has allowed me to remove some of the sadness and toxicity from my life.

I'd never go back. I wouldn't want to.

Thanks @Crunchymum . 'trauma, sadness and the need for escapism'. Yes. Like many i guess I don't want to share identifying things relating to my own trauma here, but it's good to hear you say that- i feel less alone with it all.

I agree. @Crunchymum sums it up well. Trauma, sadness, escapism... yes, me too. A need to escape from the contents of my own head is a very true one for me.

Thank you for so bravely sharing your story @WendyWagon. I know what you mean about work being your only praise. Very similar for me too.

I have had a work-related panic attack this morning - the first one for many, many years. I channelled the energy into stripping, washing and changing all the bedding at home. The dog was very unsettled. But at least it got it our of my system and I will be better-placed to face it tomorrow.

Strength and love to all. We can do it. xx