Page 7 | He has just cracked open bottle number 4

Lablo · 2023-09-06T01:59:53+00:00

DP is amazing, honestly in everyway. Apart from his drinking. Every single night. A couple of beers and then at least 2 bottles of red wine. I am working nights tonight and he is still up and has just opened bottle number 4, that’s insane. He is on A/L this week so doesn’t have work. He is never aggressive or anything when drinking but obviously can barely talk and stumbles around. Yet when he is working he is up at 6:30 bright and breezy, popping his multi vitamins with a big glass of water in his shirt whistling off to work. I have mentioned this before but he just says everyone likes a drink and he likes a bit more. bottle number 4?! WTAF???

Itslosenotloose · 06/09/2023 19:58

@AnnieSnap

I agree. If my husband was a mumbling mess every night, life wouldn’t be wonderful.

Janieforever · 06/09/2023 20:26

He’s an alcoholic. He’s not fine the next morning, he just acts fine, he’s not fine till he allows himself test first drink and then he can’t stop.

I also struggle to understand how you think your life is wonderful whilst sitting there with your pissed up partner each night. Couldn’t do it myself, never mind find it wonderful

sawnotseen · 06/09/2023 22:26

@BlastedPimples - not wanting to disrupt the thread but as a recovering alcoholic I wanted to reply to you. I was drinking at least two bottles of wine a day/night, often three and I'm a tiny 5ft, 7 stone woman. So a ridiculous amount.
My lightbulb moment was when my counsellor made me realise that I was ill but it was only me who could help me. I think of it now as a form of self harm. Also, one of my best friends was battling cancer and I felt dreadful giving myself excuses to get drunk when she was dealing with so much more.
My family (including my kids who were kids then but adult now) couldn't stop me. AA couldn't - I found the meetings boring, the women cliquey and the men gropey. I was taken to a church where the woman I went with, and many others, started 'speaking in tongues' and it freaked me out. So I never went back. I also went to a recovery weekend but it turned out to be all about Jesus Christ, who I don't believe in, so that was a waste of time and money. SMART recovery couldn't. In-house Detox didn't (£700 a week for two weeks).Very expensive £21k 3mth detox/rehab didn't (I was drinking again 3 days after I got out).

BlastedPimples · 06/09/2023 22:30

So @sawnotseen how did you stop? Why did you stop?

sawnotseen · 06/09/2023 22:43

@BlastedPimples I tapered as I've got friends (from rehab) who had bad withdrawals when then went cold Turkey. Also took Campral. My mum stayed with me and monitored my drinking. Ridiculous at 49.
I stopped because I realised that I had to. I was I'll but the only treatment was to stop drinking. I realised all the hurt and worry I was causing and didn't want to continue making my family and friends lives hell. My dad was nearly 80 and was crying when I get again got found passed out (in a cemetery) and was taken home by a kind passer by, where my parents were waiting, as I'd been missing for hours.

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/09/2023 23:01

Have you considered he might be drinking in the morning? I would have thought that would perk him up more than just a cup of coffee.

Twilight7777 · 06/09/2023 23:56

As someone said, the reason he appears fresh faced and fine in the morning is because he’s most likely having hair of the dog before you get up. He shouldn’t stop completely drinking as it’ll likely cause more harm, he needs to taper off.

ApolloandDaphne · 07/09/2023 07:03

sawnotseen · 06/09/2023 22:43

@BlastedPimples I tapered as I've got friends (from rehab) who had bad withdrawals when then went cold Turkey. Also took Campral. My mum stayed with me and monitored my drinking. Ridiculous at 49.
I stopped because I realised that I had to. I was I'll but the only treatment was to stop drinking. I realised all the hurt and worry I was causing and didn't want to continue making my family and friends lives hell. My dad was nearly 80 and was crying when I get again got found passed out (in a cemetery) and was taken home by a kind passer by, where my parents were waiting, as I'd been missing for hours.

Well done for managing to stop. I sometimes wonder about going to a group or whatever but at the end of the day I know its all down to me.

How long has it been since you stopped and how are you feeling now?

MentholLoad · 07/09/2023 07:18

I would imagine that he would need medical assistance to stop drinking. I don't think he will be able to taper and withdrawal will be dangerous after that level of alcohol

100Recycled · 07/09/2023 07:32

Lablo · 06/09/2023 14:09

Thank you to everyone who has replied and shared your stories. It really does put a lot in to perspective.

I need to speak to him seriously about this. I finished work at 7:30 this morning and went to bed for a few hours, I am up now, and he is out pottering in the garden, house work all done, bright and breezy.

I don’t know why but something has changed in me and I just want to scream are you serious? How on earth are you pottering around like that??

For those that said I am in denial too, I think you are absolutely right, I have been because our life is wonderful in all areas - huge wine coloured elephant aside - but I cannot let him kill himself like this. I love him incredible amounts.

And this morning I feel responsible too because I have drunk with him, i have got pissed myself - a bottle of wine is enough for me! and we have had a great time, cooking together, playing music, dancing and enjoying ourselves. Even just us. But this is different. This is a random Tuesday night and actually it’s every night for him. But most are not enjoyable.

I see him slowly get more and more disengaged. Slowly become less able to even focus on my face when I’m talking to him. I see him fall over the dog and look at him and wonder where he come from, even though he loves our old boy.

He also does annoying things when drunk, like repeat himself, say the same thing or tell the same story on repeat that I’ve heard a million times 🙄and I’m sick of it.

Obviously the money too, which is madness because he is very good with money generally. Will spend 2 weeks researching the best deal for a new lawnmower etc and we are fortunate not to be on the breadline but money isn’t never ending here!! And tonight I watched £40 get pissed down the toilet and that could have helped towards our home renovation.

He does have a traumatic past. But has sought help for that before we met and day to day he appears past this but the amount he drinks says otherwise.

Im going to have to speak to him. But I am cautious as to how to approach it as I want to be supportive and not come across as judgemental.

Has anyone had this conversation with a DP? How did it go?
what would you say/do differently?

you need to go to Al Anon. Or at least look at the information on their website. Google 'co-dependency' and 'enabling'

you can't support him 'the right way' to get him to give up. it doesn't matter how much you love him. this is for him to do not you. You need to concentrate on looking after yourself, your needs, your boundaries. that's it

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/09/2023 08:06

My next door neighbour was an alcoholic. She died from organ failure. She bled from every orafice in her body apparently.

We need to talk about this more. It is a horrible way to die and society covers these things up.

3 glasses of wine and I feel horrible the next day, 3 bottles would be the death of me, his organs must be rotten. He needs to be seen by a doctor and get some tests.

What a horrible situation to love someone who is slowly killing themselves.

RampantIvy · 07/09/2023 08:33

My late BIL had developed oesophageal varices and vomited up copious amounts of blood.

I know you love and want to support your husband @Lablo, but with alcohol addiction it. just, doesn't. work.

He has to want to stop, and no amount of cajoling and "support" from you will make a jot of difference. First of all you need to stop enabling his behaviour so if he falls over just leave him. Do not help him to bed or clean him up. He needs to wake up with his face in the dog bowl, pool of vomit (obviously make sure he has a clear airway), in his own faeces etc. This might bring the message home to him that this is not OK.

Basically, if he is in denial and won't seek help you need to separate, which is what my SIL should have done instead of being dragged down by her husband and who is now a lonely shell of her former self. You need to protect you.

LadyEloise1 · 07/09/2023 08:39

Are there children living in the house with you and your partner ?
What awful behaviour to witness, if so and what an awful waste of money that could be spent on things and experiences rather than being pis*ed down the toilet.

AnnieSnap · 07/09/2023 13:12

LadyEloise1 · 07/09/2023 08:39

Are there children living in the house with you and your partner ?
What awful behaviour to witness, if so and what an awful waste of money that could be spent on things and experiences rather than being pis*ed down the toilet.

The OP said there are no children. Didn’t you read her post?

LadyEloise1 · 07/09/2023 17:15

I've just checked back- the OP says they do have children, late teens but no children together.
If they live with the OP they are witnessing her partner's drunken behaviour and a lot of money being wasted.

I'm not sure if they are @Lablo's children or her partner's children.

monsteramunch · 07/09/2023 19:11

@AnnieSnap

The OP said there are no children. Didn’t you read her post?

No, she said there are children. Just not joint ones:

we do have children but not together, both late teens.

AnnieSnap · 07/09/2023 20:09

monsteramunch · 07/09/2023 19:11

@AnnieSnap

The OP said there are no children. Didn’t you read her post?

No, she said there are children. Just not joint ones:

we do have children but not together, both late teens.

My apologies, you’re quite right

TenderDandelions · 08/09/2023 11:42

Lablo · 06/09/2023 14:11

On the subject of drink driving, I will be completely honest, this has not occurred to me before. No idea why, I’m not an idiot. I suppose because he always appears so fine the next day. Like better than me after 8 hours sleep and no drink! But I am certainly not minimising this and the potential risks and this has added to my shock and the need to change this

Good luck OP - I'm glad you've taken something from your post and I hope your DH is receptive to your talk.

If he isn't, it will be a hard road.

Something that's always stuck with me was an episode of Desperate Housewives when one of the friends was concerned with their friend's drinking.

She lined up all the empty bottles outside the house as a visual representation of how much she'd been drinking. If your DH doesn't accept that he needs help, could something like this, along with the totted up price of how much he spends each month help?

PToosher · 08/09/2023 12:31

He's fine in the morning because he's still got enough alcohol in his system from the night before for the hangover to not have kicked in. He doesn't 'need' to have a sly hair of the dog at that point to seem fine.

ZadocPDederick · 08/09/2023 12:49

Are you sure he isn't drinking during the day also? I suspect he needs regular top-ups.

SallyWD · 08/09/2023 13:02

TenderDandelions · 08/09/2023 11:42

Good luck OP - I'm glad you've taken something from your post and I hope your DH is receptive to your talk.

If he isn't, it will be a hard road.

Something that's always stuck with me was an episode of Desperate Housewives when one of the friends was concerned with their friend's drinking.

She lined up all the empty bottles outside the house as a visual representation of how much she'd been drinking. If your DH doesn't accept that he needs help, could something like this, along with the totted up price of how much he spends each month help?

Show quote history

I tried all that with my alcoholic ex. Made no long lasting difference. There's nothing you can say or do.
You can't reason with an alcoholic. They might agree with what you say, agree to reduce/stop drinking but the alcohol has too much of a hold on them. It's both a physical and psychological addiction.

theyoungishman · 08/09/2023 13:15

Can you update us OP? Im interested in how the discussion went with your other half

hashbrownsandwich · 09/09/2023 16:35

ZadocPDederick · 08/09/2023 12:49

Are you sure he isn't drinking during the day also? I suspect he needs regular top-ups.

As a HCP I was thinking exactly the same thing. There's no way he could be functioning with the withdrawals

TooOldForThisNonsense · 11/09/2023 00:11

Jesus this is shocking

he’s drinking at least 10 times the recommended units a week and most certainly drunk driving.

Be prepared for denial if you speak to him OP. No one drinks this amount and genuinely thinks it’s fine in the cold light of day but alcohol abusers are great at denial

it doesn’t sound as though he’s going to face up to it but hopefully I’m wrong

LadyEloise1 · 04/10/2023 19:33

How are things @Lablo ?
I hope things have improved you.