He has just cracked open bottle number 4

[Lablo]

DP is amazing, honestly in everyway. Apart from his drinking. Every single night. A couple of beers and then at least 2 bottles of red wine. I am working nights tonight and he is still up and has just opened bottle number 4, that’s insane. He is on A/L this week so doesn’t have work.

He is never aggressive or anything when drinking but obviously can barely talk and stumbles around. Yet when he is working he is up at 6:30 bright and breezy, popping his multi vitamins with a big glass of water in his shirt whistling off to work.

I have mentioned this before but he just says everyone likes a drink and he likes a bit more.

bottle number 4?! WTAF???

What type of job does he do?

If it requires driving or manual handling of any sort then there is a good chance he might seriously screw up. Even with a desk job, it seems likely he is going to have a problem functioning.

At minimum, he must smell of booze.

Two bottles of wine is 18/24 units so will take 18/24 hrs to be under the drink driving level. Please don't let him drive if he's drunk that amount until 10pm. He will be well over the limit and unsafe to drive. I know this as I had to do a drink driving awareness course after being caught drunk driving (to my ever lasting shame).

The OP doesn’t LET him drive. He chooses to do so. She isn’t in control on him.

Would he be up for a home breathalyser to use in the morning? Would that be enough of a shock to stop him or will be reason it all away (I’ve been doing this for years and not had an accident therefore it is fine for me to drive over the limit!)

I wouldn't be planning to grow old with someone risking early massive health consequences through drinking. Stroke, heart attack, dementia, numerous cancers. You could be left with the fallout before you hit your later years.

I suppose I am in shock that someone can drink like that or would even want to.

i suppose I am also shocked that he doesn’t appear to have any affects from this, he has a long list of bits he wants to get done this week. He was busy all day yesterday and I know he will be up by 9am latest getting on with the decorating we have started etc. like nothing out of the ordinary.

How can he do that?

This and others things that have always made me doubt myself when Iv questioned he has a problem, like he will never miss work, never miss a family event, never drink before about 6pm even on his day off unless we are at BBQ etc. he will manage his alcohol around others, for example we go to see friends he will happily nurse a couple of glasses of wine. But something about being at home takes this to new levels.

He is never aggressive or abusive, but I suppose he does become more sensitive after a bottle but again nothing really to mention.

He has struggled with his mental health but that seems to have come and gone and the drinking is the same!

Mostly he buys it, I will of course pick a couple of bottles up if I’m having a drink at the weekend etc but he would never ask me to buy them. But the more we have in the house the more he will drink, so he usually picks up 2 bottles on the way home from work like a ritual.

The other day one of the super markets has then 25% deal so he bought 12 bottles, and basically drank 8 of them over the weekend!!

OP, apart from drinking, what else is he doing with his week off?

Even the two bottles and in bed by 10 will make him over the limit at 6.30 in the morning. He is probably chirpy because he is still drunk. I can imagine he slumps around my day but you won't see that. Would he use a breathalyser in the morning if you bought one?

This is terrifying op. This is the kind of drinking that will kill him.

Have you ever told him how worried you are?

I can’t fault him because he has been cracking on with all our house projects, he’ll walk the dog, do household bits, cook dinner whatever is needed really.
I am not exaggerating when I say our relationship and life is wonderful in every way aside from this!

You're skipping past one of the biggest issues. Drinking 2 bottles of wine finishing at 10pm means he will be Well over the limit for driving at 6.30am the next morning whether he's slept or not.

He'll kill someone one day - himself, people walking past on the pavement or crossing the road, someone in a car he hits...

You need to talk to him about this. Maybe buy a disposable set of breathalysers from Amazon and get him to pay attention.

I have mentioned it and he just says he has always done it, he is late 40’s now. And it doesn’t affect his life so it isn’t an issue, he said the minute he felt unwell he would lay off it but until then it’s all ok

Coming from a person who lived in an alcoholic household. This stage will lead to the dysfunctional stage. It's only a matter of time until he needs to start drinking earlier, and then starts leaving work earlier, or the need for more alcohol will effect his performance at work. At the moment he is functioning because he's drinking such a large amount of alcohol that his body is taking a while to process it but at some point his body will want more and more. The fact that he's opened that 4th bottle indicates this, imo.
Just have a think OP, for the average person, drinking that much every night isn't normal. Some people may enjoy and glass or two a night, but drinking 2-4 bottles of wine a night is excessive. Plus think how much that is costing £5 a bottle of wine (for the cheap stuff) and £5 a pack of beers. £15 a night say....that's around £100 a week. If you are spending £100 a week on alcohol then you have a big problem.

Of course the OP an stop him driving. Hide his keys. My exH reported me to the police so they had my number plate on ANPR. Thankfully I never had an accident or injured anyone.
The OP doesn't want an accident /fatality on her conscience so she has to whatever it takes to stop him getting behind the wheel when he's clearly over the limit.
Halfords sell breathalysers as they're compulsory in a car, in France.

Please untangle yourself from him. He will destroy his health and you will end up caring for a man who has destroyed his body and mind with alcohol.

Al-Anon gives support to family members of alcoholics.

He's drink driving every morning he has two bottles of wine the night before if he goes out at 6.30

OP I think you said you have a teenage child. That child will be observing this and might grow up to be a drinker.

I stayed with my husband when I should have left. He was/still is a daily drinker - 8 beers a night equivalent to 12 standard drinks daily. I don’t drink at all. Never did. my dad was an angry alcoholic. Two of my adult children are well and healthy, occasionally have a drink socially. The third has a drinking problem - he’s a binge drinker but can drink solidly for 2 or 3 days at a time. I’m watching his life fall apart now and it’s breaking my heart. He’s still working. He has a lovely son and a wife he adores. But he’s messing this up. By being unreliable etc and a depressive drunk..

I would not blame his wife for leaving, I’d support it even though I dearly love my son. I often wonder if I’d been able to leave my marriage earlier, if my darling son would be a drinker now. He’s sober at the moment and white knuckling it as he won’t seek help. ( I wish he’d seek help). It’s only been a few weeks and I hope he can do it this time. I hope a lot.

You need to think about what your child is seeing as normal.

Best wishes OP. Take care of yourself.

I will consider the breathalyser, no idea how he would take that tbh. But worth a shot for sure.

It takes about 16 hours for 2 bottles of wine to leave your system so his licence is gone if pulled over.

Hello OP.
I am a recovering alcoholic. Twenty months. One day you like your one to two bottles the next you need a third. I thought I was a jouval drunk, I wasn't. I wasted a decade of my families life.
I am a wine snob too so it's not all Blossom Hill!
Depending on your partners age he hasn't got long. My friend died at Christmas. Functionimg alcoholic but he had a stroke. He was 63. My late brother couldn't fight kidney disease because his heart was fucked. He was 54. He died in March. I gave up the booze to give him a kidney. I was too late.
Could your DP go to rehab? If he drinks £40+ a night he could go private. Men like to come out on top. Rehab is tough but for some people it is a challenge they want to win. An assault course if you will. I couldn't afford it because I had lost my job but I think it suits big personalities. 4-8 weeks.
And I agree re driving. Each unit of alcohol takes one hour to leave the body (coppers daughter).

He may not feel unwell but liver damage/failure can be symptomless until end stage.

So, just to summarise and average a bit:

Wine: 18 bottles, 180 units, £144 per week

Beer: 10 bottles, 20 units, £22.00 pw

He's drinking 200 units a week. >50 for a man is regarded as dangerously high.

He says he'll stop when he feels ill. Unfortunately liver disease is silent 99% of the time until cirrhosis is established. Even with established cirrhosis the liver plods on until it decompensates. By the time there are symptoms it is too late.

OP I was a Marketing manager and a parent school governor when I was a functioning alcoholic. So your partner getting up for work, doesn't mean he will not become disfuctioning. I did it for years.
My daughter had a pony so I'd be up the yard early morning before work and night, after work. She also did gymnastics that I took her to twice a week. My son played football, cricket and athletics and I took him to all of the events, but I was half cut.
Functioning alcoholics do function, until they don't.
There's always a lot of 'yets' - I don't drink in the morning - yet. I don't drink and drive - yet, I don't drink at work - yet.
When it got bad, I couldn't go to work, couldn't drive, couldn't communicate with my family and friends. I was a complete mess. I hope it doesn't come to this for your partner and you.

Hey 😊

I'm so sorry, what a difficult position to be in. I have some experience of this. So I'm not necessarily best placed to give advice, but I didn't want you to be or feel alone.

The reason you're posting this is because you know the answer... of course it is too much!

My grandad (alcoholic and non functioning the last few years) has over a box a day (about the same as your partner last night), and whilst it would floor the most of us, he can hold a conversation and stumble around. Alcohol tolerance doesn't mean it's okay to drink more.

It is totally normal for an alcoholic to trivialise their behaviour too.
My grandad who, until recently, was never aggressive and functioned his whole life (including his high pressure job as a structural engineer), clearly had an issue which we all used to just think "he likes a drink"... But eventually spiralled and became horrific to watch. It's really tricky and sensitive to broach, but a difficult conversation well worth having.

You know in your heart you have no control of his decisions, and he has to decide for him. That doesn't mean you can't raise it and say how uncomfortable you feel and how worried you are. I had a small version of this with my partner and I got through to my partner by saying, how would you feel if I drank this much? And he was mortified. But it's only a few weeks since this, so I'm no expert!!

Would he be open to a challenge like "dry January"? But say, dry October or something? He feels fine getting up after a skin full, he will be fantastic not drinking at all. You could do it together?

Other than that you can either tell him how you feel, and see if anything changes. If it doesn't, ultimately the decision lay with you as to if you live with someone who gets blind drunk every night (no fun for you), or if you accept it's not a life for you and leave.

Fingers crossed a chat will get the ball rolling for recovery from this!

Just to add I credit my BFF with helping me.
My DH doesn't drink. He used to hide. He had tried to help but he hates confrontation.
I wanted weight loss surgery, she said it wouldn't work with my drinking. Very harsh but true. Lots of baratric sleeve patients develop alcohol problems. I had already!

You could tell him you love him but if he doesn't get sober he will kill himself and lose you. The nurse maid bit is also true re late stage alcoholism. Many alcoholics are incontinent. Do you want that life? Tough love OP.

@WendyWagon well done. Bloody hard isn't it. I'm very sorry for your losses.