He has just cracked open bottle number 4

[Lablo]

DP is amazing, honestly in everyway. Apart from his drinking. Every single night. A couple of beers and then at least 2 bottles of red wine. I am working nights tonight and he is still up and has just opened bottle number 4, that’s insane. He is on A/L this week so doesn’t have work.

He is never aggressive or anything when drinking but obviously can barely talk and stumbles around. Yet when he is working he is up at 6:30 bright and breezy, popping his multi vitamins with a big glass of water in his shirt whistling off to work.

I have mentioned this before but he just says everyone likes a drink and he likes a bit more.

bottle number 4?! WTAF???

Two bottles of wine = 20 units of alcohol. Typically the guidance is that it takes one hour per unit to come out of your system from when you stopped drinking.

So, if he takes 20 units a night and stops at 10pm, it will be 6pm the following night when all of those units are out of his system.

At 7am, he'll have only stopped drinking for 9 hours, so will still have 11 units of alcohol in him. 2-3 units is the legal limit. He is very likely driving to work at least twice over the drink drive limit, probably more.

These are required to be carried when you drive in France and are cheap - https://www.amazon.co.uk/AlcoSense-French-Certified-Breathalyzers-France/dp/B007K5XZXM/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1KKI48JAYTHLO&keywords=breathalysers&qid=1693995178&sprefix=breath%2Caps%2C99&sr=8-5

I'd very much suggest testing him with these. If he fails them and continues driving, he is very, very irresponsible and I'd be reporting him to the police - husband or not.

Unfortunately it's going to take a shock for him to realise how bad his drinking is.

It's much better for you to give him that shock, than for him to kill someone.

His consumption in one night is double the weekly recommended limit. Just re-read that sentence again. It's not just drinking a lot, it is 100% problem drinking and will be causing him internal damage even if he looks and feels fine on the outside.

Broken record here, but two bottles of red wine (never mind the beers) will almost undoubtedly put him over the drink drive limit at 6:30. He's literally breaking the law on a daily basis. Endangering himself and others.

It's not your responsibility to change him or to be accountable for his actions, but you do have the power to recognise the situation for what it is.

90% of people who drink more than 40g of alcohol (or four units) per day develop alcohol-related fatty liver disease, which in turn leads on to alcohol-related hepatitis, cirrhosis, and potentially liver cancer. It also causes structural damage and brain volume loss equivalent to 10 years of aging, leading ultimately to dementia, strokes and brain cancer. The risk of oesophageal cancer is also substantially increased.

In the early stages these don't cause obvious symptoms, hence the fact that alcoholics are able to kid themselves that they are fine. As your husband is on 20 units a day, he's well on the way to all of those but he could at least reverse the liver damage by stopping.

Maybe start leaving a few printed-off articles about alcohol damage and pictures of what his brain and liver now look like around the house?

Yes, I work in probation and have lots of perfectly lovely, middle class (and perfectly lovely non-middle class) people who find themselves on an Order for driving under the influence of alcohol. They usually haven’t realised how bad things have got until they get caught. Let’s assume the best, that he doesn’t kill himself or someone else, how would he feel about losing his licence, having to go to court, having to attend probation and sit in the waiting room with sex offenders, drug dealers, even murderers, possibly having to don a high vis jacket and carry out unpaid work (community service), having to tell his employer about his conviction and possibly losing his job then having to declare it to future employers…

It is so sad - I don't want to derail the OP as she started this for support but @Chippy4me in answer. He had verbal dyspraxia and until about 12 or 13 he couldn't speak clearly at all and couldn't read (on paper) as he was unable to progress with phonics. My parents refused to see the problem. I assume it was a chronic lack of confidence which led to the use of cannabis that then spiralled over 15 years. He has however been a thief from my parents since he was 17 or 18. They refuse any external support but he engages with the usual people, has done detox and the support group. I hope it kills him sooner rather than later, because in the next 5 to 10 years when my parents die, he will think I am responsible for him and I am not doing it.

Reading all this - I wouldn't feel too sorry for him. We all have trauma but not all of us choose to take his path. He needs to deal with the consequences.

This is dangerous levels if drinking. He could end up with alcohol related brain damage in the future. He needs to see his gp for support to stop and make sure he takes thiamine vitamin to protect his Brain.

That's a lot. I know someone who had just died from acute pancreatitis in their 40's and an elderly relative had the chronic version after years as a functioning alcoholic. Nasty, nasty way to die in both cases.

Does he have private or work scheme private health insurance? It's not unusual at his age to be offered health checks and the NhS ones kick in then too.

My friend had a whirlwind courtship, wonderful wedding. He was a lovely man but was drinking like this. Six months after the wedding he was hospitalised. Two months later he was dead.

He wouldn't have visitors because his path to death was not pretty. Turning yellow was his least awful symptom.

He was in his 40s

He may feel fine but it must be having a negative effect on his health . If nothing else his liver must be suffering.

Not a great role model for your kids . Normalising excessive drinking on a daily basis .

My uncle was a functioning alcoholic for decades. Bingeing on holiday/annual leave/bank holidays was routine.

The problem with being dependent on alcohol (and although he never would have admitted being dependent on alcohol, the sheer volume he drank every day meant that he was) and going on binges is that you start to get withdrawal symptoms when you have to go back to work and therefore cut down.

I lost count how many times he collapsed, or had a seizure. He crashed his work vehicle one too many times (not because he was drunk - because he was blacking out at the wheel due to withdrawal) and lost his job. He now has early onset dementia.

Phone the police, give them his reg, and tell them how much he drinks every night. They might be able to stop him driving before he kills someone.

I also think he needs to breathalysed on his way to work.

A mum I know phone the police about her son who she knew was over the limit daily, she gave registr, address, time he left for work. They never stopped him. I hope other police forces are better than our Welsh one

@Holidayhouse1010

My reply button isn’t working.

Thank you for that.

It is so sad and difficult to read but as you say it’s difficult to have too much sympathy for something he does to himself, especially if he has supportive parents (even if they are enablers), some people don’t have that.

Most of my sympathy is for the families of these people who have to deal with the consequences every day and unfortunately OP and her children are soon going to have to too.

He is definitely going to be above the legal limit for driving. Imagine how you'd feel if he killed a child and you knew he was above the limit. He's not special, his body behaves like everyone else's and he will be less capable of driving safely. Phone the police and get him arrested. This is disgusting. If he wants to drink himself to death, that's on him, but he SHOULD NOT be driving.

Just reading all the responses again and thank you all.

no he isn’t over weight, maybe a few pound but in good shape. He is about 6ft 1, so not a huge guy.

Sex life is great tbh, we have sex most days mostly in the morning as you can probably guess

You seem very calm about the drinking and driving. Very scary to think there are people like your husband (and you) amongst us.

Thank you to everyone who has replied and shared your stories. It really does put a lot in to perspective.

I need to speak to him seriously about this. I finished work at 7:30 this morning and went to bed for a few hours, I am up now, and he is out pottering in the garden, house work all done, bright and breezy.

I don’t know why but something has changed in me and I just want to scream are you serious? How on earth are you pottering around like that??

For those that said I am in denial too, I think you are absolutely right, I have been because our life is wonderful in all areas - huge wine coloured elephant aside - but I cannot let him kill himself like this. I love him incredible amounts.

And this morning I feel responsible too because I have drunk with him, i have got pissed myself - a bottle of wine is enough for me! and we have had a great time, cooking together, playing music, dancing and enjoying ourselves. Even just us. But this is different. This is a random Tuesday night and actually it’s every night for him. But most are not enjoyable.

I see him slowly get more and more disengaged. Slowly become less able to even focus on my face when I’m talking to him. I see him fall over the dog and look at him and wonder where he come from, even though he loves our old boy.

He also does annoying things when drunk, like repeat himself, say the same thing or tell the same story on repeat that I’ve heard a million times 🙄and I’m sick of it.

Obviously the money too, which is madness because he is very good with money generally. Will spend 2 weeks researching the best deal for a new lawnmower etc and we are fortunate not to be on the breadline but money isn’t never ending here!! And tonight I watched £40 get pissed down the toilet and that could have helped towards our home renovation.

He does have a traumatic past. But has sought help for that before we met and day to day he appears past this but the amount he drinks says otherwise.

Im going to have to speak to him. But I am cautious as to how to approach it as I want to be supportive and not come across as judgemental.

Has anyone had this conversation with a DP? How did it go?
what would you say/do differently?

On the subject of drink driving, I will be completely honest, this has not occurred to me before. No idea why, I’m not an idiot. I suppose because he always appears so fine the next day. Like better than me after 8 hours sleep and no drink! But I am certainly not minimising this and the potential risks and this has added to my shock and the need to change this

His liver aside, just imagine how both your lives - and those of another family - would be shattered if tomorrow he got in his car three times over the limit, mowed down a new mother and her baby on a pedestrian crossing and got sent to prison for causing death by dangerous driving.

@Lablo you're an enabler. You love him so take away the car keys now and don't return them until he's been to a dry out clinic. Don't do it at home, he could die

"Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics" https://al-anonuk.org.uk

Speak to these people

Just to say OP with the amount he’s drinking going cold turkey would probably be dangerous. He needs to keep a drink diary - there are apps for this - and taper off slowly, 10% at a time every 3-5 days. Alternatively he could do an at-home detox if your area offers them. He may not know identify as an alcoholic but he certainly has an alcohol use disorder. Get a breathalyser for a start.

Honestly op the amount he drinks it wouldn't surprise me if the reason he seems 'fine' the next day is because he's gotten up and had a hair of the dog which was the final straw in my marriage in the end. He thought I didn't know and when I confronted him he point blank denied it but I'd seen him do it.

Im going to have to speak to him. But I am cautious as to how to approach it as I want to be supportive and not come across as judgemental.

It won't make the slightest bit of difference. He is in denial and will make all sorts of promises that he will break at the first opportunity.

The only thing you can say is "if you continue drinking I will leave". Then leave.

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it