My husband drinks one bottle of wine a day. He does this after work which finishes (for him) at 10pm and before he goes to bed at midnight. So it’s a lot of alcohol to consume within 2 hours. In the day he gets up at 7, brings me coffee and breakfast and then walks (often runs) a 5k with the dog. He cooks, cleans and makes me laugh. He is a kind and gentle husband. He is very attractive, looks as fit as a fiddle, well dressed, well respected at work. He basically seems like he has his shit together to everyone in the outside world. He goes to work in the afternoon and whilst he finds his job a bit mundane, he earns decent money. He doesn’t really have friends anymore, he did have a large group of childhood friends and is still connected with them on social media but they party pretty hard every weekend it seems (all 40 somethings like us) and he doesn’t really have the energy for that and i don’t drink. He’s also an introvert and would rather not socialise if he can help it. He loves my parents and my Dad is probably his best friend. we see them frequently. My family is full of male heavy drinkers , so my husbands habits just sort of blend in.
As a drunk he just becomes quiet and a shadow of himself. It’s like he isn’t really there. He doesn’t say or do anything hurtful to me, he’s just….boring to be honest. I don’t think anyone could consider his behaviour abusive towards me. I’m completely financially independent, we share one property but I own another in my name alone, so I could easily leave if I wanted to, but I don’t want to. I love every single thing about him, except the alcohol. The only person he is abusing is himself and it is painful to watch at times, and I worry why he feels this need to sink into the abyss most nights.
At the weekend he’ll have 2 bottles on a Saturday and sometimes 2 on a Sunday, sometime he’ll have none at all. The occasional ‘nothing’ day leads him to believe he can take it or leave it, thus his ongoing belief that he is a not alcoholic. Of course I know he is. His father was an alcoholic. The type that drinks with breakfast and has his own stool at the pub. I think that’s what my husband uses as the benchmark of ‘official alcoholic’. But he knows really, deep down, that he has the same problem in a slightly different shaped bottle.
He drank 3 bottles of wine today. Well, it was a box which contains 3 bottles worth. He did this last weekend too. So it seems his limit is increasing. He was properly drunk, slurring his words, glassy eyed, which I haven’t seen for a while. His poor body was so used to 2 bottles. It made me angry. I stupidly confronted him while he was drunk and we had a pointless conversation with me crying and begging him to stop but he won’t fully remember it tomorrow. He will probably be remorseful and might even not drink anything. The cycle briefly interrupted.
I do not want to leave my husband. The thought makes me feel sick. I don’t even know where I would start. My reason would only be his drinking. I’d prefer to stay and support him through quitting. He does try to quit from time to time. He has read a couple of books. But he can only last a week, maybe a few weeks sometimes. Then something triggers him (he doesn’t know what) and he very casually says “I just fancy a drink you know? Just one, nothing mental” and before the week is through, he’s back to his usual 2 bottles. Or I guess it might be a box from now on.
I’ve suggested AA but he says it’s just religious nonsense. I found what looks like nom-secular group locally but he says not to worry, it’s fine and he can do it on his own.
I’ve had counselling in the past and I was advised not to intervene when his drinking increases. If I wish to ‘hang around’ and support him that is my choice, but to not deprive him of the rock bottom he may need to hit in order to get proper help.
I think a rock bottom may be approaching, but it is so hard to watch. A big part of me feels angry with him, but I know this addiction isn’t his fault and I want to stay compassionate and supportive.
There are lots of alcoholics in this forum yet all the advice to spouses of alcoholics seems to be a blanket ‘you must leave him’. I don’t understand the logic of this and it’s not what addiction specialists advise either, from what I’ve read anyway. So how do I stay and support him? What do I say? What do I do?
Im curious, if you are an alcoholic, did your spouse leave you? Or are you being supported by them? What do they say/do to help you? What doesn’t help?
Sorry, long post. Didn’t want to drip feed.