My husband - How to help him without leaving?

[SubtlePanic]

My husband drinks one bottle of wine a day. He does this after work which finishes (for him) at 10pm and before he goes to bed at midnight. So it’s a lot of alcohol to consume within 2 hours. In the day he gets up at 7, brings me coffee and breakfast and then walks (often runs) a 5k with the dog. He cooks, cleans and makes me laugh. He is a kind and gentle husband. He is very attractive, looks as fit as a fiddle, well dressed, well respected at work. He basically seems like he has his shit together to everyone in the outside world. He goes to work in the afternoon and whilst he finds his job a bit mundane, he earns decent money. He doesn’t really have friends anymore, he did have a large group of childhood friends and is still connected with them on social media but they party pretty hard every weekend it seems (all 40 somethings like us) and he doesn’t really have the energy for that and i don’t drink. He’s also an introvert and would rather not socialise if he can help it. He loves my parents and my Dad is probably his best friend. we see them frequently. My family is full of male heavy drinkers , so my husbands habits just sort of blend in.

As a drunk he just becomes quiet and a shadow of himself. It’s like he isn’t really there. He doesn’t say or do anything hurtful to me, he’s just….boring to be honest. I don’t think anyone could consider his behaviour abusive towards me. I’m completely financially independent, we share one property but I own another in my name alone, so I could easily leave if I wanted to, but I don’t want to. I love every single thing about him, except the alcohol. The only person he is abusing is himself and it is painful to watch at times, and I worry why he feels this need to sink into the abyss most nights.

At the weekend he’ll have 2 bottles on a Saturday and sometimes 2 on a Sunday, sometime he’ll have none at all. The occasional ‘nothing’ day leads him to believe he can take it or leave it, thus his ongoing belief that he is a not alcoholic. Of course I know he is. His father was an alcoholic. The type that drinks with breakfast and has his own stool at the pub. I think that’s what my husband uses as the benchmark of ‘official alcoholic’. But he knows really, deep down, that he has the same problem in a slightly different shaped bottle.

He drank 3 bottles of wine today. Well, it was a box which contains 3 bottles worth. He did this last weekend too. So it seems his limit is increasing. He was properly drunk, slurring his words, glassy eyed, which I haven’t seen for a while. His poor body was so used to 2 bottles. It made me angry. I stupidly confronted him while he was drunk and we had a pointless conversation with me crying and begging him to stop but he won’t fully remember it tomorrow. He will probably be remorseful and might even not drink anything. The cycle briefly interrupted.

I do not want to leave my husband. The thought makes me feel sick. I don’t even know where I would start. My reason would only be his drinking. I’d prefer to stay and support him through quitting. He does try to quit from time to time. He has read a couple of books. But he can only last a week, maybe a few weeks sometimes. Then something triggers him (he doesn’t know what) and he very casually says “I just fancy a drink you know? Just one, nothing mental” and before the week is through, he’s back to his usual 2 bottles. Or I guess it might be a box from now on.

I’ve suggested AA but he says it’s just religious nonsense. I found what looks like nom-secular group locally but he says not to worry, it’s fine and he can do it on his own.

I’ve had counselling in the past and I was advised not to intervene when his drinking increases. If I wish to ‘hang around’ and support him that is my choice, but to not deprive him of the rock bottom he may need to hit in order to get proper help.

I think a rock bottom may be approaching, but it is so hard to watch. A big part of me feels angry with him, but I know this addiction isn’t his fault and I want to stay compassionate and supportive.

There are lots of alcoholics in this forum yet all the advice to spouses of alcoholics seems to be a blanket ‘you must leave him’. I don’t understand the logic of this and it’s not what addiction specialists advise either, from what I’ve read anyway. So how do I stay and support him? What do I say? What do I do?

Im curious, if you are an alcoholic, did your spouse leave you? Or are you being supported by them? What do they say/do to help you? What doesn’t help?

Sorry, long post. Didn’t want to drip feed.

I used to drink a similar amount and was classed as alcoholic but I never considered it to be a disease, I always felt that was an excuse but not going to argue about it with anyone.

Not sure if I missed this but does your DH want to stop drinking?

I know what you mean about rock bottom, I only stopped when I reached mine. Before that there was no reason to stop though because I enjoyed it even if I was being a twat.

He is insinuating you are the same because that suits him. It's your problem, his mums problem, not his.

But you know that's not true op. It's classic alcoholic thinking.

Until he sees this, there isn't anything you or anyone can do. He has to see it himself. He has to make the change.

If you chat tonight don't let him bamboozle you with deflections.

Ps, start being honest with his mum. She sounds like she has your back. She's been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Here's another recommendation for you to get help from Al-Anon.

al-anonuk.org.uk

They will help you see that:

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Once you realise that all the begging, crying and pleading is absolutely futile you will find the peace within yourself to make decisions. It could be life-changing for you. This does not necessarily mean leaving.

Alcoholism is an illness of which denial is a huge symptom. And this goes for the spouses of alcoholics also. You will try really hard to convince yourself that his drinking is 'normal' but from what you have written here he is clearly an alcoholic.

She certainly has got the tshirt. I think she got the hat and scarf too!

To answer a question above, yes he has several times in the past 5-6 years made concerted efforts to completely stop drinking. He’s read a couple of books on it and has had a day counter on his phone. He doesn’t like the idea of AA or counselling and feels he could probably do it on his own.

He has gone 2-3 months before, but not for years. To go a few weeks is probably all he’s managed in the last year.

He has felt some of the enormous benefits of not drinking, in his fitness, his mood and at work. It’s almost like he’s invincible during these periods! Like Bradley Cooper in that film with the super human drug. He even marvels how how life feels so much easier, in the mornings he springs out of bed, he doesn’t get stressed at work and it’s so so lovely to see the REAL him.

But inevitably he comes home from work one day with a bottle and says ‘don’t worry! I’m just gonna have a couple of glasses, I feel like it and I know I can handle it now’

……. well you can guess the rest.

Thank you to the poster on the previous page about detachment and that mantra. I think, in my letter, I’m writing all the things I want him to know in the hope I can trigger him to change. But like you’ve said, that needs to come from him. I’ve actually massively stressed myself out about talking to him tonight. But with loving detachment I guess I probably wouldn’t talk to him anyway?

Is there a good book on detachment? I’m an avid reader!

Could you get him to do an online test online to see if his drinking is normal? A friend of mine did that and discovered himself that his drinking was inappropriate. That is no guarantee that he will decide to do something about it but he can't deny the facts.
Also you said you suffered from depression. I wonder was that in some way connected with his drinking: you knowing its not normal and not knowing what to do.

Thank you. I think, if I’m honest with myself, I have always believed he would change because I could help him through it or the fear of losing me would force him to change. Or, alternatively, it’s not actually as bad as I think it is. That’s the agonising cycle my brain goes around.

Just the very thought of detachment feels good. I need to do this.

Do I warm him I’m doing it?! Or just do it?

Buy him This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. It turned my life around.

Yes that’s a good idea. He has this strange believe that he’s somehow immune to alcohol. So his body can cope with double the amount that everyone else can and the government guidelines are ridiculous according to him.

His liver, apparently, is super human. He has no actual evidence of this of course…. He just ‘knows’.

so fucking illogical

Do I warm him I'm doing it? Or just do it? @SubtlePanic

I would go to your first meeting and then tell him afterwards if you feel it's right to. I suspect if you tell him before you go he may minimise and tell you you're overreacting. You are doing this for YOU. Not for your dh. You need to switch the focus from him to yourself. And ironically it might just be the catalyst for your dh to take his own action.

"Yes that’s a good idea. He has this strange believe that he’s somehow immune to alcohol. So his body can cope with double the amount that everyone else can and the government guidelines are ridiculous according to him.
*
His liver, apparently, is super human. He has no actual evidence of this of course…. He just ‘knows’.*"

More denial, alcoholic script right there.

I cannot tell you how helpful this has been. Thank you to everyone who has responded. He’ll be home soon and I’ve decided not to speak to him about drinking or give him my letter. If I do it will only upset me more and I’ve lost enough sleep over the last few weeks.

Al Anon it is for me.

if anyone has any book recommendations or good podcasts about all this and specifically about detachment I’d love to know. Just the idea of this concept has taken a huge weight off my shoulders. I can’t fix him, and that’s that!!! It’s that simple.

I started today feeling honestly really hopeless and miserable, but this evening thinking I can only control my own happiness and I need to shift the focus to me and let him be. I’ve been so focussed on him and what he is doing (or not doing) and trying to make him happy in the hope that will reduce his need to drink. It’s exhausting trying to control it all.

So now it stops.

I highly recommend the book Codependent No More by Melody Beatty.

It really resonated with me.

Thank you, I’ll get it today

Be very focused on taking care of yourself. As well as Alanon take up something new like a walking group etc so when he drinks at the weekend you have your own plans. Maybe go and stay with a friend or visit your family.
It's great to have a plan as you you will feel stronger.
Also watch the finances as a lot of money is literally going down the drain so maybe separate your own money and make sure he is paying an equal share or more if he earns more. Alcoholics are very cute at making sure the money is there for the drink.
All the very best with everything.

Good luck OP. You've come such a long way in just the past few days. Wishing you all the best.

OP I feel tour first message so much. Mine started off as a happy/quiet drunk. He would stop every so often for short periods but over time the amounts increased, the drinks started earlier in the day. I even have it in my diary the first time I heard a can crack at 7am so he could get up.
He and I always thought that I had to do more, learn more, love more, relax more but it turned out the opposite was true.
I don't believe in telling people to leave but equally if you need permission from someone to leave you have mine and other peoples on here. You do not have to spend your weekends lonely in a room by yourself. You can go out, join an online group etc.
Don't hide who he is. I did and some people still don't believe how it ended because I lied to myself and other people that he wasn't that bad and he was a good man.
I always thought he would hit rock bottom and he still hasn't. He has lost everything and still he is beholden by alcohol. Alcohol became his mistress.
Some people will stop but many many more won't and that's why you see so many threads of people advising people to leave. They want to save the heartache they have been through. None of us listen though, we all have to make our own path. I wish you the best. Al anon became a lifeline for me and still is.

This is very sad to read.

I was the person with alcohol use disorder (I personally don’t use the term “alcoholic” ) but thankfully I am now 20 months sober.

I don’t think you have to leave him, but you do need to accept you can do nothing to help him if he won’t take action himself.And prepare for the fact it might get worse. 3 bottles a day is basically meaning he’s never sober.certainly never fit to drive,

His addiction may not be his fault but it IS his responsibility.

All you can do is be there to cheer him on and offer support if he does quit, and I hope he does.

And no, my husband didn’t leave me. I was “functioning” well and hiding a lot of my drinking though so once I got strong enough after I was a few weeks sober to tell him I was quitting forever and why he was quite shocked. But I was under no illusion that I couldn’t have kept “functioning “ forever, it would have caught up with me.

OP I think you aren’t - blaming isn’t the right word- but your posts come across that you think he has no agency, responsibility or choice in this. Of course he didn’t choose to become dependent on alcohol, but he does still have a choice in picking up the first drink. Same as me and everyone else with alcohol addiction does or did. Addiction is complex, but he is on some level choosing to perpetuate it.

Thank you so much for telling me all of that. I’m so happy that you found your way through and your. Husband stayed by your side.

You talk about that element of choice he has and I have kind of absolved him of that responsibility havent I. I can see I do that. I think knowing he has the choice and he is actively choosing to do something that he knows could potentially end our marriage is too uncomfortable to bear.

You know, it’s strange but this is the first time in the many cycles we…. Correction…. HE has been around (see how I’m trying to change my codependency language?) where I’ve ended up actually losing respect for him. Right now, he brings more negativity to my life than positivity. More problems than solutions. My desire to stick around and support him has dropped by about 50% in the last few days.

I’ve pretty much kept myself out of his way since I started this thread btw. I went to bed before he came home yesterday and today. I just want some physical distance between us. And that is a very new feeling, not wanting to be near him. But if I’m honest with myself, I wanted to be near him after episodes like this to monitor his drinking, remind him about ME please see me and choose me!! just to feel accepted and wanted by him, more than he wants the alcohol.

I now understand, that it’s is a futile charade.

I think I might be inclined to video him during one of his 3 bottle sessions and show him when he's sober. As you say he doesn't remember after the fact. This might shake him up who knows?

I think the OP needs to focus on detachment and trying to recognise and change the many elements of codependency in her thought patterns and behaviour.

The alcoholic in her life has wrapped himself in a thick layer of solid denial. No amount of common sense or video footage will make a dent in that.

I had an ex who was a lovely person and successful professional but drank 4 beers and 3/4 bottle wine daily and would shake and be sick when he had to go without for a few days due to a work event.

Once I realised this and the long term dangers of that level of drinking I said I'd only stay if he started doing one of 5 things: GP, local alcohol team, AA, Smart Recovery or counselling. He chose counselling (the one option that didn't directly involve tackling drinking). Turned out he was self-medicating anxiety and depression and childhood trauma with booze and had been for 2 decades. I think the counselling helped eventually, but wouldn't really know as he dumped me a few months into counselling saying I didn't want him the way he was and he didn't want that pressure of it affecting me. Which sucked, but I think it did us both more good in the long run than if I'd carried on and not pushed him to change something.

You are doing brilliantly @SubtlePanic.

There is no rush in all this. So don't worry if your emotions change all the time. There, (going by personal experience here 🙃), may be so many swirling thoughts and emotions including, anger, loss, love, hope, despair, rage, calmness - all of them.

What you need is time to process them all. You've made the first and most profound of steps by realising that actually you are powerless.

This is where Al-Anon can be so helpful and I really hope you give it a go.

Ironically, looking after yourself could be the catalyst for your husband to hit rock bottom and actually get to grips with the fact he has an illness. And that is what it is. He has no choice in the matter because he is ill. Until he realises this and chooses to try and recover then there is only one way he's going to go. It is a progressive illness.

Another saying from Al-Anon is 'You do not have to accept the unacceptable'.

Another book recommendation is 'Understanding and helping an Addict' by Dr Andrew Proulx.

This was recommended to me at one of the first Al-Anon meetings I went to and is really good at explaining alcoholism as an illness.

💗