My husband - How to help him without leaving?

[SubtlePanic]

My husband drinks one bottle of wine a day. He does this after work which finishes (for him) at 10pm and before he goes to bed at midnight. So it’s a lot of alcohol to consume within 2 hours. In the day he gets up at 7, brings me coffee and breakfast and then walks (often runs) a 5k with the dog. He cooks, cleans and makes me laugh. He is a kind and gentle husband. He is very attractive, looks as fit as a fiddle, well dressed, well respected at work. He basically seems like he has his shit together to everyone in the outside world. He goes to work in the afternoon and whilst he finds his job a bit mundane, he earns decent money. He doesn’t really have friends anymore, he did have a large group of childhood friends and is still connected with them on social media but they party pretty hard every weekend it seems (all 40 somethings like us) and he doesn’t really have the energy for that and i don’t drink. He’s also an introvert and would rather not socialise if he can help it. He loves my parents and my Dad is probably his best friend. we see them frequently. My family is full of male heavy drinkers , so my husbands habits just sort of blend in.

As a drunk he just becomes quiet and a shadow of himself. It’s like he isn’t really there. He doesn’t say or do anything hurtful to me, he’s just….boring to be honest. I don’t think anyone could consider his behaviour abusive towards me. I’m completely financially independent, we share one property but I own another in my name alone, so I could easily leave if I wanted to, but I don’t want to. I love every single thing about him, except the alcohol. The only person he is abusing is himself and it is painful to watch at times, and I worry why he feels this need to sink into the abyss most nights.

At the weekend he’ll have 2 bottles on a Saturday and sometimes 2 on a Sunday, sometime he’ll have none at all. The occasional ‘nothing’ day leads him to believe he can take it or leave it, thus his ongoing belief that he is a not alcoholic. Of course I know he is. His father was an alcoholic. The type that drinks with breakfast and has his own stool at the pub. I think that’s what my husband uses as the benchmark of ‘official alcoholic’. But he knows really, deep down, that he has the same problem in a slightly different shaped bottle.

He drank 3 bottles of wine today. Well, it was a box which contains 3 bottles worth. He did this last weekend too. So it seems his limit is increasing. He was properly drunk, slurring his words, glassy eyed, which I haven’t seen for a while. His poor body was so used to 2 bottles. It made me angry. I stupidly confronted him while he was drunk and we had a pointless conversation with me crying and begging him to stop but he won’t fully remember it tomorrow. He will probably be remorseful and might even not drink anything. The cycle briefly interrupted.

I do not want to leave my husband. The thought makes me feel sick. I don’t even know where I would start. My reason would only be his drinking. I’d prefer to stay and support him through quitting. He does try to quit from time to time. He has read a couple of books. But he can only last a week, maybe a few weeks sometimes. Then something triggers him (he doesn’t know what) and he very casually says “I just fancy a drink you know? Just one, nothing mental” and before the week is through, he’s back to his usual 2 bottles. Or I guess it might be a box from now on.

I’ve suggested AA but he says it’s just religious nonsense. I found what looks like nom-secular group locally but he says not to worry, it’s fine and he can do it on his own.

I’ve had counselling in the past and I was advised not to intervene when his drinking increases. If I wish to ‘hang around’ and support him that is my choice, but to not deprive him of the rock bottom he may need to hit in order to get proper help.

I think a rock bottom may be approaching, but it is so hard to watch. A big part of me feels angry with him, but I know this addiction isn’t his fault and I want to stay compassionate and supportive.

There are lots of alcoholics in this forum yet all the advice to spouses of alcoholics seems to be a blanket ‘you must leave him’. I don’t understand the logic of this and it’s not what addiction specialists advise either, from what I’ve read anyway. So how do I stay and support him? What do I say? What do I do?

Im curious, if you are an alcoholic, did your spouse leave you? Or are you being supported by them? What do they say/do to help you? What doesn’t help?

Sorry, long post. Didn’t want to drip feed.

Crying and threatening won't help. Leaving might not help.
Al Anon and practicing love with detachment can. The drinker in my life said to me 'My drinking is not a problem'. I said "it is for me'.

Al Anon has given me the tools so that I do not enable now. The drinker has dipped their toe into AA but has yet to commit to the programme. I attend online meetings but always find that the readings or something from somebody sharing will be what I need to hear on that day. Currently I'm not sure when the drinker was last drinking and I'm happier to not know.

One day at a time. He's powerless over the drink. You have the power over how you react to and cope with his drinking.

Yes, Al Anon will help you understand your own reaction. I felt a bit of a fraud because everyone seemed to have it much worse than me (violence, having money stolen from them to fund a habit etc), but someone approached me at the end of the first meeting and said she understood what I meant about the loneliness/separate lives.

Good luck

Hi @SubtlePanic my Dad and bil died from Alcoholism and my DH went through recovery.
There are some online AA meetings which i think will really help. Maybe find the details out and log him into a meeting and leave the room.

This roadshow might help. It’s scary for you because his tolerance is increasing and it o lu getsvthat he needs more and more.

https://britishlivertrust.org.uk/information-and-support/love-your-liver/roadshow/

Having 3 or 4 cans of beer every single day and then drinking at the weekend isn't normal.

It's been normalised to you but it just means you have a family of alcoholics. Sorry to put it that bluntly but it really, really isn't normal.

It's a progressive disease op and it will only go downhill. If your dad is the sane, you have been conditioned to accept it- it really is a family disease.

Have you tried talking to him when he is sober?

You can't cure or control it.

Do you have children?

My dh had exactly the same alcohol dependency as yours op. He is also a lovely man, fit, active etc. And an introvert.

It made it hard for me to recognise he was an alcoholic. I got more and more unhappy and our relationship suffered.

One day I woke up and told his he either stopped drinking or I would leave.

He did stop (had to taper down because stopping caused nightmares and sweats) and hasn't touched a drop in four years.

I love my husband so much, we get on so well and he is my only family but I couldn't carry on living in thee way we were.

And my Dad was an alcoholic too, which made it harder for me to 'see' the alcoholic I married.

@mathanxiety I always admire your posts, you have explained that so well.

It's very difficult. AA have online meetings, this would be a good start. You'd miss your DH if you left but sadly you'll miss out on his company anyway as he is not present when drunk, could fall and die, cause an accident or have a stroke.

Big big message of support to you. I started going to Al-anon 8 weeks ago and have had layers of realisation that your thread here is reminding me of and that I'm learning from. I left my long distance 6 year relationship this week and realise he left me long ago, what was 4 cans a night was 12 when we were last together and apparently it was much less than usual, he's drunk before noon - this first happened in October - and he has a sleep and cold shower before going out after. He's a stunningly good successful musician and producer and I love him but he's gone and going fast. He was supposed to be moving here this summer, I said he couldn't come to my house drinking, no surprise he completely and immediately looked for somewhere else to go.
My experience of life with this addiction is that it's like they are inside a tornado shaped journey the decline is slow and we bob along adjusting, not seeing, reframing, coping, bobbing along but always a winding down, then you realise the speed and tightness of decline is increasing. I leaned on Mumsnet about Al-anon, about how his primary relationship is with alcohol, I've done intensive trauma healing work and reparenting for three months last year and only now is my own trauma bond with him finally healing. Beware the rescuer in you dedicating herself to him, the dream being lost is hard to release to him but he is alone in this already. Good luck with your life, I'm so sorry for your realisations and your loss, Al-anon is tomorrow for me and I'm so so grateful to the support out there and on here. Best wishes

I'll start with this:

You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

Of course he doesn't want you to separate, you are his 'non-drinking drinking companion'. Your very presence says to him "I must not be that bad, she's still here".

Single or 'coupled' isn't relevant in the way you're using it. Some can reach sobriety within their family, others cannot. It's what each individual needs to get sober that's important. But each one of them must stand on their own two feet. And sometimes what's needed is the shock of their dearest ones (their 'enabler') saying "NO! I won't tolerate this from you anymore!" and really meaning it, followed by action. You've said that to him many times, so many times he no longer believes you. That's why you need to try something new. What's left to try other than you leaving?

You cannot compare the disease of alcoholism to any physical disease. With physical diseases the cures are a group effort: the patient, the doctors, the family. With alcoholism, there is no 'cure', but the 'treatment' involves the alcoholic standing alone, admitting their 'disease', and seeking treatment on their own. Loved ones must 'stand down' until the alcoholic has achieved sobriety with the help of experts.

But the bottom line is that he has to want to be sober. Not for you, not for his job, not for his children, not for his friends. And he will only want to be sober when he hits rock bottom. And he will only hit rock bottom when his enablers remove themselves.

'My' alcoholic is my brother and I was his enabler. I took his alcohol away from him. I took him to dry out more times than I can recall. I cried, begged, pleaded. I 'babysat' him night after night. But it wasn't until I said "No more, I'm out of your life until you get sober" that he attained sobriety. It broke my heart to turn my back on him, but it was the right thing to do, for both of us. He attained sobriety in 2015 and maintained it with one 'slip' during lockdown. But he sought help for that slip on his own and has been sober since.

As far as AA, yes, it does have a quasi-religious component. But the 'higher power' they speak of doesn't have to be God, Allah, Jehovah as determined by organized religion. The higher power is whatever one conceives it to be; nature, self, or 'spirit'. Or nothing at all.

There is a smaller organization, Life Ring, that does not have a religious component. The alcoholic chooses their own path to sobriety and the 'groups' support them in their chosen path. I believe it has a presence in the UK.

This may be controversial, as many people believe in the all or nothing approach to recovery from alcohol use disorder, but I would recommend doing some research into the Sinclair Method, which is a medication-based approach to removing the neurochemical addiction to alcohol. There have been many scientific studies into its efficacy, it has long been used in Denmark to treat AUD, and studies show a 75% success rate. It is not an abstinence-based method, which is why some find it controversial, but the science behind it is solid, and it is available in the UK (albeit not on the NHS). Your husband might find this a more palatable approach than something like AA.

How long has your DH had the work pattern of finishing at 10pm at night? Has he ever considered/attempted to change this?

It sounds like it suits him very well, because if he was home at say, 6pm every day it would be much more evident how deliberately he is avoiding connection with you. Would he still start drinking immediately after work? What would you do then?

You love him very much and he does just what he has to to keep up appearances and crucially, get you to keep leaving him alone to do what he wants. Or, honestly, as charitably as possible, he does as much as he is able for, and that's all he has in him as an avoidant personality.

I think the whole work pattern thing is important because you are giving him the benefit of the doubt. But you are not getting your emotional needs met.

If you're not sure about Al-anon yet - I know it can feel a big step - have a look at wearewithyou.org.uk for advice on good conversations and boundaries (with alcohol and drug users specifically)

Thank you all so much for the supportive words. I’ve had a weekend of swinging from one extreme to the other. 1. I’m being irrational and over reacting 2. I’m done and it’s time to take action.

I’ve written a long letter to him more because I needed to get everything out of my head. I’m not totally sure I should read it to him or give it to him. It lists everything I don’t like about him when he is drinking and everything I’m worried about. It’s not an easy read but most of it I’ve told him before. Just not all in one go.

We are planning to talk tonight. He said he will be sober for us to talk. I’m so nervous about it and I can’t concentrate at work. He doesn’t seem to be at all worried which annoys me really. I have no idea what to say, other than to read my letter to him.

I’ll go on that website today and hopefully it will give me an idea of how to approach a conversation.

I am, quite simply, not ready to face the heart break of leaving him.

Op it sounds to me like your husband is burn out or have a deep depression and using alcohol as an antidepressant.

Op, I hope it goes well tonight.

Depending on what he says (and I think you know really) you don't need to make any rash decisions today. But I'd tell him you need to go away and think about your future if he says that it's not a problem, etc etc.

Go to Al anon as well to help you.

I think it may have started as trauma and depression as a teenager and now he is chemically addicted.

3 bottles of wine is 30 units on Saturday…. Which will take 30 hours to leave the body, meaning he’ll be starting to feel a bit rough around about now. By tonight he could be in withdrawal mode. Maybe not the best time to land him with my thoughts and feelings? I just don’t know. A big part of me wants to stick my head in the sand, have an early night and just forget about it all.

He has a difficult relationship with his mum who tried to control his drinking before I ever met him. She shamed him and made him feel defiant. Weirdly, back then I thought she was a bit overbearing, I didn’t consider his drinking to be in excess at all! But that just reflects my experience I guess. As they say, a mother always knows! I sense that kind of teenager rebellion in him whenever I suggest the drinking is an issue, like I’m morphing into his mum. So I need to be careful to approach it with compassion and kindness, not anger and blame. But it’s hard when I do genuinely feel angry. He’s putting so much at risk just for a drink. It seems so fucking ridiculous. Does it really feel that great to be drunk?

I feel certain if I leave him, he will spiral completely out of control. And this scares me.

OP...have you considered joining an Al-Anon group for yourself? They're support groups for people who love people who are alcoholics.

Ultimately you can't force your husband to get help but you can certainly strengthen your own defences and get chatting to others in a similar position

No not yet, but I will! I’d like to try an online one.

Just found them online. Thank you x

To cover a few things-

There isn't going to be a good time to talk about it, just a least worst time. I think tonight is as good as any - he'll always be coming down from the units he's consumed.

Was it your H that told you about his overbearing mother? It's interesting what you said because on the face of it, it just looks like a concerned mum but he doesn't like that she raised it and has changed his story to paint her as the villain. Somewhat of an alcoholics script... maybe have a think on that.

Also, you can't control him spiralling. It won't be because of you (although alcoholic manipulation means he'll try blame you). It's absolutely not your responsibility. Al anon will help you see this.

You really don't have any emotional intelligence, do you?

Yes my opinion of her was totally shaped by what he told me. She had obviously had a very difficult time with his Dad (eventually divorcing him) and my DH is very sympathetic towards her regarding that, but he feels her views towards HIS drinking is almost obsessive because of his Dad. And now he’s starting to insinuate I am the same.

He can’t see that she once saw his Dad at the stage he is now. Functioning, working, healthy… she knows how this pans out. we get on well to be honest. She’s constantly worried about him and so checks in with me frequently. Im guilty of covering for him because I hate having that conversation with her. She has gotten angry with me before for letting him drink and not putting my foot down. After a couple of years together she told me to leave him and that she would support me financially (not that I’d have needed that). I remember thinking “Christ, what an awful thing to say!” in my mind his drinking wasn’t that bad back then. But now I see what she was predicting.

...if I leave him, he will spiral completely out of control, and that scares me...

If you stay with him, he will spiral completely out of control.
You're scared because he has drunk more in the last few days than he has before. You've caught a glimpse of the future. You've sensed an inkling that there is no way to control this.

You have alternatives here:
Get used to that feeling of fear and try to numb your feelings, because drinking more is the way alcoholics go when they're on their way down.
Or learn to detach, to reduce your emotional investment in the illusion of control.

You need to sit down and think hard about the AA mantra that's been posted here:
You didn't cause the drinking.
You can't control the drinking.
You can't cure the drinking.

Codependency is whispering in your ear that you can control it and maybe even cure it. Hence your fear, your hopes for your talk with him, and your letter.

Beware of promises. Beware of toxic optimism.