Is your alcoholic DP/DH nasty and selfish?

[WakeMeUpWhenDecemberEnds]

Been with DP for 5 years. Have one DD. Dp clearly a functioning alcoholic, will drink anything between 2-3L of vodka a week despite holding down a full time job. When we first met he was such a lovely man. It was only after DD was born (I moved in then) that I realised how problematic his drinking was. Lately he's becoming increasingly nasty. For instance last week we were getting DD ready for nursery. He was constantly making jibes ie) DD was having a tantrum and I was struggling to get her shoes on. Dp said "don't worry DD, mummy will get then on EVENTUALLY". We were taking her out to the car and I couldn't get one of the back doors open as it was semi frozen shut. I explained this to DP and he opened it easy(ish) and then 'joked' quite nastily "you can't even open a door". To put into context I'm 5ft and 7.5 stone. DP is 6ft 2 and nearly 20stone. Whilst him and DD were off to nursery I started tidying. He came back and nitpicked because I had left the microwave door open and again because I put medicine syringes in the dishwasher. I was getting tired of his behaviour so went upstairs to read. My grandmother recently passed away and it was her birthday so I was feeling a bit emotional. At 1245 he starts drinking (despite complaining of a cold and had been taking lemsip etc for this). A few hours later he suggests we wrap presents. He was drunk. I thought this was an effort to jolly me so went downstairs and we were wrapping. All fine. He asked me to fetch him the hoover so I went to get it but before I stood up he started chatting about something. Then he said " are you going to get the hoover? You know the one I asked you to get 2 minutes ago?!" I explained I was going to get it he didn't need to be so snippy and that I'd enough of his attitude all day. He explodes and said he was fed up of me. He stated he was always having to ask me to do the same thing again and again and was sick of it. He tried putting the wrapping paper away in a cupboard but it wouldn't fit so he begins to throw it around the room. I got the blame as the cupboard was full of "my crap". It wasn't, it was full of items we all use.
I went upstairs and had a little cry. His response "you can hardly be upset, just man up". Later when he calmed down I tried speaking to him about his behaviour. He refused to back down saying I was lazy and he did EVERYTHING around the house. I said 'no you do a lot but you certainly don't do everything'. He got crosser and maintained it was everything and I done nothing. I told him he really needed to work on his temper. He said if I didn't make him cross he wouldn't lose it. He said "it's my house and I'll speak however I like to anyone under this roof." Conversation continued in this style until I left the room. We had another row today as he decided to do an overtime nightshift tomorrow night despite me being up at 0600 on Thursday for a 14 hour shift. I explained I can't sleep properly before a shift if I'm watching DD (whose currently sleep regressing and up several times during the night). I'm terrified of going into work exhausted and making a serious error. His response "well you better get used to it as I'll not be giving up any overtime shifts just in case you might get woken up."
I know the advice will undoubtedly be to LTB but it's simply not feasible at this moment. Feeling so deflated. I've been starting to doubt myself thinking maybe I am lazy etc. Is anyone else's partner like this with the constant criticism, nastiness etc?

Sorry OP but it's time to get your ducks in a row. He obviously resents you for some reason, plus he's an alcoholic. It isn't going to end well. Is there any love left? Don't stay together just because of your child, it's more damaging in the long run.

Thank you for the reply @TheCurseOfBoris. Yes he does seem to resent me, will often speak to me with complete derision over absolutely nothing. I am planning on getting my ducks in a row and as soon as im financially stable I'll be leaving. Unfortunately I do still love him (clearly I have issues too) but it's simply not a tenable situation to be in long term. I don't know whether it's the alcohol that makes him nasty or if he's genuinely just a deeply unpleasant person. I suppose the cause doesn't really matter though. I know alcohol can cause people to be nasty, but can it change brain chemistry so even when the person isn't actively drinking they are still unpleasant?

Doing anything at all for a long period of time will change the way you are. Drinking so much for so long will have change his personality, his temperament and his ability to cope.

It sounds as though you're walking on eggshells around him, OP. That's so tough for you.

You're not married, are you? It's really important you get yourself sorted financially. What can you do to help yourself there?

Is he driving your DD to nursery the morning after these binges?

@ICanHideButICantRun No we aren't married. He proposed last year. Then changed his mind saying he wanted a pre nup (to protect his house). I said fine. Then he admitted during an argument that he didn't believe in marriage. So legally I'm a bit buggered 🙃 I feel like now that he's got what he's wanted from me (DD), I'm simply surplus to requirements. And yes I absolutely do walk on eggshells. A few nights ago he texted to say he'd be home shortly (earlier than expected). I raced around the house ensuring everything was in order. Had spent hours cleaning whilst trying to look after a poorly DD. During the argument last week he brought up howvhe found 2 chocolate buttons on the kitchen floor. I obviously hadn't seen them or I would have picked them up. He completely failed to notice the 4 loads of washing/drying I had done, plus the hoovering, polishing etc.
@BigSandyBalls2015 no he wouldn't drink the morning after a binge. He started drinking a few hours after he dropped her off. I collected her from nursery

Very common for an alcoholic to pick a fight and that gives him total chance to begin drinking and blame the partner. Also he knows underneath that his life is a mess so his low self esteem causes him to put you in the down place. But aside from the drink he cannot pick you up on two buttons on the floor..that is abusive and totally out of order . He cannot come in and criticise your housekeeping. That is not normal.
When you leave as you will need to, he cannot be trusted to have your baby by himself as he might be drunk and be a danger. It's important you build evidence around this to show, when he tries to get access.
I presume you are in the medical field so the stress of all this impacts your work. I hope you have family support and maybe joining a support group online or in person would be useful. You may have free counselling as part of your job. Alanon is a very supportive group if it's possible for you to get someone to mind your child.
Make sure his family knows how much he is drinking. Don't be tempted to cover up for him.

@junebirthdaygirl, yes after out argument he finished his drink. I asked him was he done (drinking) for the night. He said that he had only planned on a few but he was now tempted to keep drinking. He didn't actually say it, but the implication was that 'I had driven him to it it'. So of course he sat up drinking the rest of the evening then. But I fully know that was his plan even prior to the argument. I started keeping a dossier of such incidents but not sure how much credence they would have without physical proof. To complicate matters I have literally no one else to help me with childcare except him. No family support and my hours are typically quite unsocial so nursery isn't an option. We currently send her to nursery for the social aspect. Already I'm fretting about my shift as I know I'll get very little sleep. Once I wake up I find it virtually impossible to go back to sleep again. I explained all this to him and he told me again to "get over it". He said that him doing this shift affected no one but himself. He completely doesn't get/care how much it affects me. I just feel as if I'm a complete nobody to him. I've genuinely never met anyone so emotionally challenged in my life

He sounds horrendous but even if he was lovely if he’s an alcoholic it can’t end well.

He’s picking fights to justify drinking. Putting you down to protect his own ego.

Can you plan to leave in the longer term? It may take a while, you might need to reach out to support organisations, you might need to get a different job, slowly save tiny bits of money over years to leave, let friends know what’s happening.

I am a child of an alcoholic. My mum had the chance to leave but it would have involved a lot of financial stress and living in council accommodation in a troubled area. I asked her what is the one thing in her life she would have done differently and she said she would have taken the opportunity to leave then and trusted she could have made it work.

Yes they do get nasty and selfish. All addicts end up being extremely selfish.

My heart breaks for you. I’ve been through this. You MUST leave, and as soon as possible. You must not let your little one grow up with an active alcoholic. Also, don’t kid yourself that he will be within the limits to drive her anywhere the morning after a binge. He will still be over the limit.

You need to start planning a life without him. Make 2023 the year you do that. Tomorrow would be even better. Listen to hban’s advice above.

sending you my best wishes x

Alcohol removes inhibitions, so it may bé the 'real' him.
XH is an alcoholic. I suddenly réalisés one day several months after he stoppoed drinking, after dd threatened to go NC, that he was just as much of a bastard and as nasty sober as when pissed. That was 6 years ago. I've been divorced for 2.

FGS, get your child out of this toxic nightmare before it damages her entire life. He's horrible and the example you are setting for your daughter is terrible.

Do your family live elsewhere in the UK? Could you move nearer so they could help with your dc? Or are his family nearby and aware of his issues?
Your dh will take more chances as his addiction takes hold more and more so your dc will be in danger..in the car or by him having an accident in the house while drunk etc.
Recently l was witness to an accident where a man was driving erratically on the wrong side of the road ploughing into a woman breaking her two ankles. There was an opened bottle of whisky on the seat beside him and he was quite drunk when the police arrived. He was a doctor..so obviously started off well but his life had now come to this. Your dc has to be taken out of this situation.

Well, I’m the daughter of an alcoholic who would get nasty/personal/make ‘jokey’ insults when drunk. He will eventually treat your daughter in this way too when she’s old enough to answer back or query his behaviour. Leave for her sake if not your own. It is miserable growing up with an alcoholic parent, even a ‘functioning’ one that is ‘sometimes fun’. Don’t kid yourself that it’s best to stay for her because it really, really isn’t. Good luck.

No family support and my hours are typically quite unsocial so nursery isn't an option.

Does this mean he is drunk in charge of your daughter?

He sounds like a real peach!

On a serious note, you know you need to leave him. Its a horrible situation for you and your little one.

Alcoholic or not he’s an abusive cunt. Protect your daughter and take her away from this.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. Thank you especially who shared their own stories of being around alcoholics. I am planning to leave and have been squirrelling away money. I've been trying to get overtime when DD is at nursery. My contracted hours are unsocial so nursery wouldn't be feasible for that but I can do the odd half shift when she's there. I've been cutting back as much as possible on other things to in order to save a nest egg. To clarify, he wasn't drinking the night before he took her to nursery, it was later that day after dropping her off that he started drinking. I collected her from nursery in the evening. That day he drank about 700-800ml of vodka. Someone asked would he drink when he's watching her (when I'm at work). Yes he would. For a period he stopped after I told him I wasn't happy with it. Then one night there was a row as I had come back from work and was outside chatting to a colleague who had dropped me off. I didn't think to let him know I was back. He came outside to put the bin out and saw me in her car and stormed back off inside. I went in and he was furious that I had been 'home' for an hour and didn't tell him as I he was waiting for me to come back so he could drink. That incident opened my eyes to how much of a problem he had. Since then he will often drink just before she goes to bed. He wouldn't get drunk before I get in (not defending him) but obviously he has major issues if he can't wait until I'm back to open a bottle. I have absolutely no family that can help

I am sorry you are in this position. I think you are putting a lot of trust in him not getting drunk when he is alone with your dd, or when driving. He is an alcoholic, and whilst he remains so drink will always come before you or your child's safety. Just because he doesn't appear drunk, it doesn't mean he won't be, alcoholics have a very high threshold, but I bet if breathalysed he would be well over the safe limit. Unless he gets help it will spiral and he will drag you down with him. I think your only choices are to either ltb or insist he gets immediate help to stop drinking, but until he is sober you and your dd can't be there.

I would also worry that if he was found to be drunk in charge of her (which is a criminal matter), social services would get involved and you would also be seen as leaving her in an unfit environment.

My alcoholic family member drove their dc to school every morning. They stank of booze. School contacted social services in the end.

Unless you want to nurse him through terminal liver damage I'd get out now. Your poor dd.

Please plan your get away. I escaped my Dh who was similar, 3 years ago. Best thing I ever did, I left him charge of the kids he nealry set the hosue on fire whilst drunk.
Its him , not you. Please plan to leave asap, please call womens aid they are life savers!!!!

I can almost promise you that he's drinking more than you realise. If he's drinking nearly a litre of vodka in one go he will almost certainly have liver damage. Stomach issues and bleeding from the bowel can be initial warning signs.

If he doesn't seem hungover in the morning its probably because he's having a an 'eye-opener" to get going.

hes drinking 80-120 units a week. With him drinking vodka its harder to detect as it doesnt smell/could be passed off as water in a bottle. He could be over the limit without you knowing

i have a one of these too for my “D”H. Planning my escape…..

write out a list/spreadsheet sheet of bills each month so you know financially where you stand
go on “entitledto” and see what extra support is available
speak to work about shifts/your situation and childcare. You might be able to come up with a solution
go via cms for his side of money, he doesn’t sound like the type of person to give you regular payments without his arm being forced
keep an eye on rentals in your area, see what comes up

good luck. Keep us updated

I wasn’t a nasty drunk but one of the reasons I stopped drinking was because I felt drink was changing me as a person, I was becoming harder and I didn’t like it. It was a personality change even when I wasn’t actually drinking

In the long term alcohol can permanently damage and change someone's personality, but the main issue is when someone who is alcohol dependent is not drinking but is also not addressing the underlying reasons for their alcohol misuse. This is called 'white knuckling it' or 'dry drunk' and it means that all the negative behaviours are still there even though the substance is (temporarily) not. That stage can go on for a very long time unless the person genuinely works towards recovery; that is, stops drinking and works on the reasons why they drink.

In your situation you need to leave. It's hard and it's going to take you time to make it work, but if you can get your mind clear on the end goal, you will get there.