Is your alcoholic DP/DH nasty and selfish?

[WakeMeUpWhenDecemberEnds]

Been with DP for 5 years. Have one DD. Dp clearly a functioning alcoholic, will drink anything between 2-3L of vodka a week despite holding down a full time job. When we first met he was such a lovely man. It was only after DD was born (I moved in then) that I realised how problematic his drinking was. Lately he's becoming increasingly nasty. For instance last week we were getting DD ready for nursery. He was constantly making jibes ie) DD was having a tantrum and I was struggling to get her shoes on. Dp said "don't worry DD, mummy will get then on EVENTUALLY". We were taking her out to the car and I couldn't get one of the back doors open as it was semi frozen shut. I explained this to DP and he opened it easy(ish) and then 'joked' quite nastily "you can't even open a door". To put into context I'm 5ft and 7.5 stone. DP is 6ft 2 and nearly 20stone. Whilst him and DD were off to nursery I started tidying. He came back and nitpicked because I had left the microwave door open and again because I put medicine syringes in the dishwasher. I was getting tired of his behaviour so went upstairs to read. My grandmother recently passed away and it was her birthday so I was feeling a bit emotional. At 1245 he starts drinking (despite complaining of a cold and had been taking lemsip etc for this). A few hours later he suggests we wrap presents. He was drunk. I thought this was an effort to jolly me so went downstairs and we were wrapping. All fine. He asked me to fetch him the hoover so I went to get it but before I stood up he started chatting about something. Then he said " are you going to get the hoover? You know the one I asked you to get 2 minutes ago?!" I explained I was going to get it he didn't need to be so snippy and that I'd enough of his attitude all day. He explodes and said he was fed up of me. He stated he was always having to ask me to do the same thing again and again and was sick of it. He tried putting the wrapping paper away in a cupboard but it wouldn't fit so he begins to throw it around the room. I got the blame as the cupboard was full of "my crap". It wasn't, it was full of items we all use.
I went upstairs and had a little cry. His response "you can hardly be upset, just man up". Later when he calmed down I tried speaking to him about his behaviour. He refused to back down saying I was lazy and he did EVERYTHING around the house. I said 'no you do a lot but you certainly don't do everything'. He got crosser and maintained it was everything and I done nothing. I told him he really needed to work on his temper. He said if I didn't make him cross he wouldn't lose it. He said "it's my house and I'll speak however I like to anyone under this roof." Conversation continued in this style until I left the room. We had another row today as he decided to do an overtime nightshift tomorrow night despite me being up at 0600 on Thursday for a 14 hour shift. I explained I can't sleep properly before a shift if I'm watching DD (whose currently sleep regressing and up several times during the night). I'm terrified of going into work exhausted and making a serious error. His response "well you better get used to it as I'll not be giving up any overtime shifts just in case you might get woken up."
I know the advice will undoubtedly be to LTB but it's simply not feasible at this moment. Feeling so deflated. I've been starting to doubt myself thinking maybe I am lazy etc. Is anyone else's partner like this with the constant criticism, nastiness etc?

[SheWoreYellow]

@WakeMeUpWhenDecemberEnds

Unfortunately not @SheWoreYellow my contracted hours are unsocial. My shifts are generally anything between 12-15 hours long. I only do 2 shifts a week.
I can pick up overtime with more social hours which I do when she's in nursery but it's not always guaranteed that I will get OT. I've been selling things on vinted/ebay also. I haven't made very much but it helps me feel like I'm "doing something"

I mean can you look for a new job?

[WakeMeUpWhenDecemberEnds]

Unfortunately not @SheWoreYellow my contracted hours are unsocial. My shifts are generally anything between 12-15 hours long. I only do 2 shifts a week.
I can pick up overtime with more social hours which I do when she's in nursery but it's not always guaranteed that I will get OT. I've been selling things on vinted/ebay also. I haven't made very much but it helps me feel like I'm "doing something"

[SheWoreYellow]

Can we help with anything practical that will help you leave?

What stands out to me is your job’s hours and childcare. Can you make a plan to change role to one that is more sociable hours?

[WakeMeUpWhenDecemberEnds]

Thank you for your very kind words and support @pointythings. I truly appreciate it. I did ring Al anon before and spoke with a very nice man but he just redirected me to a meeting. I appreciate that it is probably his job to advise people to join meetings, but I would find a group setting quite daunting. As for DP worrying about me leaving, I think in one way he would be glad if I did. He really seems to hate me at times. His life would be a lot easier if I left, however mine would be undoubtedly harder. I know that may sound hard to believe but until I'm financially stable it's not practical to leave at present. I'm saving as much as I can though.

[pointythings]

He manages to keep his temper (mostly) in work which makes me think it is me

That is the thinking of an abuse victim. Turn it on its head: He manages to keep his temper in work, but not with you. Which means he loses his temper with you because he wants to and because he thinks it is fine to do so. This is how abusers operate.

If you're both messy and not happy about it, it's for both of you to address. You are not his maid.

Every time you post, he sounds worse. I suspect this is the first time you are being honest with yourself about him.

[WakeMeUpWhenDecemberEnds]

@pointythings I've been reading about "dry drunks" and that makes a lot of sense. He's still extremely volatile when he's not actually drinking/drunk. I've never known him to go more than 4 days without any type of alcohol. I spoke with him last week about his temper. We were having a supposedly rational discussion about how we could improve things. He said I annoyed him by being messy and he repeatedly has to tell me to do things. I agree there is some truth in that. I acknowledged it and said I'd try harder. He can also be messy (more so than me, but I knew not to bring that up).
I suggested he works on his temper. His response "I'm only angry because you wind me up"🙄 I have started to doubt myself now though and think maybe part of the issue is me. He manages to keep his temper (mostly) in work which makes me think it is me. In saying that though, he does have a habit of being rude to neighbours/strangers and has fallen out with many of them at one point or another. He seems to think others view his grumpiness in an endearing way. It is exhausting to live with though.

[pointythings]

It's not you. It really is not you. May I recommend that you seek out some support from either Al-Anon or SMART Family and Friends? Both are support organisations for the loved ones of people in addiction and both will make you feel 1) less alone and 2) that it really, really isn't you. Your partner is doing a number on your head, partly to keep you in line because he senses you are thinking of leaving him. Don't let him.

May I also suggest you post in the ongoing support thread on this board? There are a group of us who have been there/are still going through it and we will support you. Lastly you can pm me any time you need to talk. Keep on preparing to leave. This relationship is over.

[WakeMeUpWhenDecemberEnds]

Thank you (again) everyone for your replies and advice. I'm sorry so many of you are experiencing similar situations at the minute or have previously been with alcoholic partners. It's interesting how alcohol affects personality even when someone isn't actively drinking. I've been keeping a dossier recently of all the things that have been happening and I've actually had to leave a few things out as they were just too upsetting/bizarre to even write. It's like writing about them made me realise just how shit things are at times. At times DP (and I use the D on that term very loosely), seems to absolutely resent me for no real reason. I've spoken to my mum about it who says it's because he hates himself but I'm starting to feel like the problem is me. I'm constantly doubting everything I do. For example, DD normally goes to nursery on fridays. Due to DP working so much last week I suggested I keep her off this friday to let him spend time with her (I'm working) He said that was fine. I realised yesterday that DP was actually working tonight so he would be watching DD tomorrow without any sleep. He obviously had also forgotten this also. DD had an ear infection at the start of the week and still wasnt 100% yesterday so I asked his sister would she mind watching DD for a while tomorrow (she's recently back from America and is DDs Godmother so loves spending time with her). She agreed. I told DH that he was actually working tonight but I sorted it so he could sleep tomorrow. He was furious (despite him also forgetting) and snarled that I was to rebook her in. I very calmly explained why this wasn't a great idea. He got angrier and said if he didn't get enough sleep on Friday then I would be dealing with her Friday night after work (knowing she isn't sleeping and that I have to work Sat/Sunday also). I said OK I'll rebook her in. He got angrier saying to keep the plans the way they were (with his sister) and that I was being a childish girl and he 'wasn't putting up with my behaviour' and to get out of the room. So I rebooked her in. When I told him he got angrier again and said now his sister would think bad of him and it was my fault for running my mouth to her. I said nothing to his sister about any of it, just told her I decided to rebook DD in as I'd lose the fees otherwise. But after the whole fiasco I felt so deflated. Whatever I done it was wrong. To clarify, DD is much better today and is well enough to go, but he made me feel so small and stupid about it all. He finished work at 6am today and had a few drinks. As always, he put the empty vodka bottle back into the fridge. I've noticed him doing this a lot recently. I've queried it before and he said he didn't realise the bottle was empty when he put it back 🙄 but he does it every time. His vodka goes in the door of the fridge so unless you actually take it out, you cant see that the bottom of it is empty if that makes sense? Sorry I'm really rambling at the minute, but I'm just feeling so awful about myself and really do feel like a useless specimen of a person

[pointythings]

In the long term alcohol can permanently damage and change someone's personality, but the main issue is when someone who is alcohol dependent is not drinking but is also not addressing the underlying reasons for their alcohol misuse. This is called 'white knuckling it' or 'dry drunk' and it means that all the negative behaviours are still there even though the substance is (temporarily) not. That stage can go on for a very long time unless the person genuinely works towards recovery; that is, stops drinking and works on the reasons why they drink.

In your situation you need to leave. It's hard and it's going to take you time to make it work, but if you can get your mind clear on the end goal, you will get there.

[MichaelFabricantWig]

I wasn’t a nasty drunk but one of the reasons I stopped drinking was because I felt drink was changing me as a person, I was becoming harder and I didn’t like it. It was a personality change even when I wasn’t actually drinking

[FillyTilly]

hes drinking 80-120 units a week. With him drinking vodka its harder to detect as it doesnt smell/could be passed off as water in a bottle. He could be over the limit without you knowing

i have a one of these too for my “D”H. Planning my escape…..

write out a list/spreadsheet sheet of bills each month so you know financially where you stand
go on “entitledto” and see what extra support is available
speak to work about shifts/your situation and childcare. You might be able to come up with a solution
go via cms for his side of money, he doesn’t sound like the type of person to give you regular payments without his arm being forced
keep an eye on rentals in your area, see what comes up

good luck. Keep us updated

[Janieread]

@WakeMeUpWhenDecemberEnds

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. Thank you especially who shared their own stories of being around alcoholics. I am planning to leave and have been squirrelling away money. I've been trying to get overtime when DD is at nursery. My contracted hours are unsocial so nursery wouldn't be feasible for that but I can do the odd half shift when she's there. I've been cutting back as much as possible on other things to in order to save a nest egg. To clarify, he wasn't drinking the night before he took her to nursery, it was later that day after dropping her off that he started drinking. I collected her from nursery in the evening. That day he drank about 700-800ml of vodka. Someone asked would he drink when he's watching her (when I'm at work). Yes he would. For a period he stopped after I told him I wasn't happy with it. Then one night there was a row as I had come back from work and was outside chatting to a colleague who had dropped me off. I didn't think to let him know I was back. He came outside to put the bin out and saw me in her car and stormed back off inside. I went in and he was furious that I had been 'home' for an hour and didn't tell him as I he was waiting for me to come back so he could drink. That incident opened my eyes to how much of a problem he had. Since then he will often drink just before she goes to bed. He wouldn't get drunk before I get in (not defending him) but obviously he has major issues if he can't wait until I'm back to open a bottle. I have absolutely no family that can help

I can almost promise you that he's drinking more than you realise. If he's drinking nearly a litre of vodka in one go he will almost certainly have liver damage. Stomach issues and bleeding from the bowel can be initial warning signs.

If he doesn't seem hungover in the morning its probably because he's having a an 'eye-opener" to get going.

[ChaliceinWonderland]

Please plan your get away. I escaped my Dh who was similar, 3 years ago. Best thing I ever did, I left him charge of the kids he nealry set the hosue on fire whilst drunk.
Its him , not you. Please plan to leave asap, please call womens aid they are life savers!!!!

[Janieread]

My alcoholic family member drove their dc to school every morning. They stank of booze. School contacted social services in the end.

Unless you want to nurse him through terminal liver damage I'd get out now. Your poor dd.

[Cuppasoupmonster]

I would also worry that if he was found to be drunk in charge of her (which is a criminal matter), social services would get involved and you would also be seen as leaving her in an unfit environment.

[Alexandernevermind]

I am sorry you are in this position. I think you are putting a lot of trust in him not getting drunk when he is alone with your dd, or when driving. He is an alcoholic, and whilst he remains so drink will always come before you or your child's safety. Just because he doesn't appear drunk, it doesn't mean he won't be, alcoholics have a very high threshold, but I bet if breathalysed he would be well over the safe limit. Unless he gets help it will spiral and he will drag you down with him. I think your only choices are to either ltb or insist he gets immediate help to stop drinking, but until he is sober you and your dd can't be there.

[WakeMeUpWhenDecemberEnds]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. Thank you especially who shared their own stories of being around alcoholics. I am planning to leave and have been squirrelling away money. I've been trying to get overtime when DD is at nursery. My contracted hours are unsocial so nursery wouldn't be feasible for that but I can do the odd half shift when she's there. I've been cutting back as much as possible on other things to in order to save a nest egg. To clarify, he wasn't drinking the night before he took her to nursery, it was later that day after dropping her off that he started drinking. I collected her from nursery in the evening. That day he drank about 700-800ml of vodka. Someone asked would he drink when he's watching her (when I'm at work). Yes he would. For a period he stopped after I told him I wasn't happy with it. Then one night there was a row as I had come back from work and was outside chatting to a colleague who had dropped me off. I didn't think to let him know I was back. He came outside to put the bin out and saw me in her car and stormed back off inside. I went in and he was furious that I had been 'home' for an hour and didn't tell him as I he was waiting for me to come back so he could drink. That incident opened my eyes to how much of a problem he had. Since then he will often drink just before she goes to bed. He wouldn't get drunk before I get in (not defending him) but obviously he has major issues if he can't wait until I'm back to open a bottle. I have absolutely no family that can help

[Wronglane]

Alcoholic or not he’s an abusive cunt. Protect your daughter and take her away from this.

[Jennybeans401]

He sounds like a real peach!

On a serious note, you know you need to leave him. Its a horrible situation for you and your little one.

[Cuppasoupmonster]

No family support and my hours are typically quite unsocial so nursery isn't an option.

Does this mean he is drunk in charge of your daughter?

[Cuppasoupmonster]

Well, I’m the daughter of an alcoholic who would get nasty/personal/make ‘jokey’ insults when drunk. He will eventually treat your daughter in this way too when she’s old enough to answer back or query his behaviour. Leave for her sake if not your own. It is miserable growing up with an alcoholic parent, even a ‘functioning’ one that is ‘sometimes fun’. Don’t kid yourself that it’s best to stay for her because it really, really isn’t. Good luck.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Do your family live elsewhere in the UK? Could you move nearer so they could help with your dc? Or are his family nearby and aware of his issues?
Your dh will take more chances as his addiction takes hold more and more so your dc will be in danger..in the car or by him having an accident in the house while drunk etc.
Recently l was witness to an accident where a man was driving erratically on the wrong side of the road ploughing into a woman breaking her two ankles. There was an opened bottle of whisky on the seat beside him and he was quite drunk when the police arrived. He was a doctor..so obviously started off well but his life had now come to this. Your dc has to be taken out of this situation.

[Aquamarine1029]

FGS, get your child out of this toxic nightmare before it damages her entire life. He's horrible and the example you are setting for your daughter is terrible.

[newtb]

Alcohol removes inhibitions, so it may bé the 'real' him.
XH is an alcoholic. I suddenly réalisés one day several months after he stoppoed drinking, after dd threatened to go NC, that he was just as much of a bastard and as nasty sober as when pissed. That was 6 years ago. I've been divorced for 2.

[ClaudiusTheGod]

Yes they do get nasty and selfish. All addicts end up being extremely selfish.

My heart breaks for you. I’ve been through this. You MUST leave, and as soon as possible. You must not let your little one grow up with an active alcoholic. Also, don’t kid yourself that he will be within the limits to drive her anywhere the morning after a binge. He will still be over the limit.

You need to start planning a life without him. Make 2023 the year you do that. Tomorrow would be even better. Listen to hban’s advice above.

sending you my best wishes x