The freedom thread ( continued ) Riding the rollercoaster of an alcohol free life! Alcohol support for those wanting to give up drinking

[Crunchymum]

Hello all

This is a thread for people who have decided that life is much better without alcohol!🤩 These threads were started by @Drybird, and they have changed the lives of many people.
Some posters on these threads have been sober for a long time, and some are only just starting. We are a very friendly and inclusive bunch and we are always excited when someone new joins the thread. The only thing we ask is that our posters have given up alcohol completely. Talk of moderation can be triggering for some people, so this thread is not the right place for that (there are other moderation threads🙂).
We are a supportive welcoming bunch. No question is ever to “ silly “ and their is generally someone around if you are struggling
So just come here to chat or vent or check in . Whatever you need as you ride the rollercoaster of an alcohol free life smile
Thank you to @WendyWagon for hosting the last thread 💜

Here’s to the next 40 pages

Thank you for the recommendations, I'll look at these.

I think I've got the Unexpected Joy one, will have a look for it.

I don't think AA is really my thing. I went to a couple of Al-Anon sessions once because of my husband's drinking (ironically). I did find them helpful but I'm not sure if AA itself is for me right now.

After posting on here I discovered Hello Someday Coaching by Casey McGuire Davidson and her website has some good info so I'm currently going through that. I found a wellbeing journal template on MS Word so have been filling that in.

I stopped drinking for around 33 days once and it was so liberating. Casey suggests 100 days so I'm going to try that (with a view to it being for good). I've documented why I want to stop which will be really helpful to revisit. My resolve tends to wane and I "forget" why I've stopped and "just a couple" will be fine..

I've got an easy few days ahead of me though as I don't drink during the week when I'm working the next day. I've been wanting to embed some wellbeing practices and habits into my life so this is as good a time as any.

I have ADHD and therefore have a tendency to throw myself into everything at the beginning and have to do it ALL right NOW which becomes a sure-fire way to fail so I'm trying to be realistic (for a change), start small, and be aware of my own limitations and behaviours.

@Crunchymum and @WendyWagon your posts are so relatable.. I’m definitely paranoid the man in the corner shop and in the local sainsburys recognise me!

@junipermarten Jason Vales book on quitting is very good. And Clare Pooleys website ‘mummy was a secret drinker’ has lots of resources. Kate Bee’s sober school blog has lots of little videos that challenge why we drink.. I’ll probably think of some more to add shortly!

Off on a 3 night adventure with DD today.. as sole responsible adult I definitely won’t be drinking but may eat my body weight in ice cream!

Morning all.

Feeling brave this morning.
Confessed to drinking too much when my children were small. It is a thread about doing things differently whilst your children were small. Normally I wouldn't post without a name change. Let's hope I don't get 'searched'. Very freeing to admit to wine o'clock though. It might help someone.

Had the weirdest dreams about red wine. Not my poison. God knows where that came from. Good to see Sunday kitchen with a af cocktail this week. Pineapple spritz.
Hoping to get some paperwork done today. Last connection with old employer. I have been putting it off. Taking headspace.

Another week without a hangover or tummy trouble, yeay.

wendywagon I read that thread too when it was first posted and my first thought is I wish I hadn't drank as much but I wasn't quite brave enough to post. Well done you. I bet there are many in the same boat and you never know, it may just give someone who has young children now and worried about their drinking the confidence to address it. I love that my youngest is growing up with me not drinking. He finds the idea of me drinking weird. Yay!!

@Breathmiller

Some days I feel quite brave. I know how my drinking effected my kids because they have told me! Both strong personalities. I think if my husband had told me his thoughts I might have been divorced. He just carried on so the boat wasn't rocked. I
I see so much alcohol dependence around me with women being the main drinkers. It is the elephant in the room. We even had one school gate mum die of alcohol disease. Very wealthy, couldn't save her. The stress of life. Funny enough I didn't drink that much when I was working in the late 1990s/ early 2000s. I always had a fine car and being a coppers daughter no risk of DD.
When we moved to the sticks I lost my contacts and my identity. Should have moved back closer to London. I drowned the unhappiness in booze with the other sahm. Twas never me. However we are hopefully off to a more diverse location with fresh people.

Morning All,

Back after a sporting weekend (not me, goodness!). Hello to @Stircrazyschoolmum and others.

I also saw that thread @WendyWagon and my immediate thought was alcohol, good for you for posting. Hope everything re cottage / weighing things up etc are going ok.

Tonight if the work 'lads' night out (not a patch on the lads present here!): A Monday evening?!! Feel ok going into it and hopefully that will remain the case. 2 hours just to travel in the car to South Yorkshire, this would have previously been my excuse to count down the hours as a reward for being sat in my car for so long. Thinking it may not be an idea to have some kind of exit plan? Don't want to be antisocial but this is much more important.

crayonpenny good luck with tonight. You sound like you're going in with a great mindset. Absolutely have an exit plan in mind, it's there as a safety net if needed. As you say, this is so much more important.

Good luck @Crayonpenny

You will be fine. Collect some antidotes for our forthcoming book 'confessions of wine o'clock women'. Breathmiller I am looking at you and your wonderful writing skills!

Seriously tho wear something fab, look after others that are a little worse for wear and order ridiculous over priced at drinks.

@Stircrazyschoolmum sorry, I missed a page. Welcome and thanks for sharing your stories. I have also put myself in dangerous situations many times while drunk and can still get that slight raise in heart rate when I think what could have been. But, the longer I am sober the further away I feel from that person. I used to feel that's who I was. But, i truly feel I am more me now than I was then. (Or 100 percent me to use a posters nickname.). And the further away I get from that person the fear over what could have been and the shame and regret over what actually did happen diminishes.

I heard a thing years ago about dealing with grief. That the grief doesn't get smaller but your life gets bigger so it feels smaller in comparison. I feel similarly about the drinking version of me. I can't change the past and what I did but the more weeks and months and years that pass in sobriety, my life and my self belief get bigger and bigger and that part of me feels smaller. If I reach 90 I will have spent more than half my life sober.

I obviously didn't drink in my first decade. My teens I started and was a professional far too young. A lot of my 20s and 30s are a blur. Fun at times but too much drinking as a self destruct button. I began to decide in my 40s that I didn't want to do that anymore but it took most of the decade to sort it out. Bouts of sobriety peppered with many short and long fall from graces. But I nailed it by the end of my 40s and am enjoying my 50s so much more dry than if I had still been drinking. I refuse to spend my whole time in regret though. I did what I did then and I do differently now. A new adventure.

Good luck @Crayonpenny - This is your work event with the drinking boys, isn’t it? Hope you have a nice hotel room to retreat to when you’ve had enough - I often find myself bailing early, not because I’m fed up, but because I really want to sit in a hotel bed and watch TV! You’ll probably feel more tired, because you don’t have the alcohol adrenaline rush. On the plus side, I find it quite freeing not to have to worry if I’m drinking too much, will do or say something I regret etc .

And you’ll feel so fresh in the morning!

Sober mornings are so fab. The dog and I went to the beach first thing this morning - absolutely glorious

onewildandpreciouslife are you on your holiday yet or r beach walk at home? How are you feeling?

I’m on holiday! Bit variable physically- seem to get more sore as the day goes on

Hi everyone, thanks @Crunchymum for hosting the thread.
I keep having false starts. I anage a few weeks then think that one glass won't hurt - but then I'm straight back to the 3am guilt-fest, migraine, low mood cycle. I was supposed to be doing overtime today but pulled out last minute because I had wine last night and woke at 3 with an evil headache.
How do I get it into my head that I CAN'T drink??
So back to Day One again today.

I'm going away at the end of the month to stay with family for 4 days who are big drinkers - this will be a massive challenge. I've thought about not starting until we're back but to be honest I feel so lousy I don't want to wait. Also, there's going to be lots of challenges like this so why not face it head on? But that's how I feel now and I'm worried how I'll actually get through it (and still enjoy myself) when the time comes 😬😔

Please post your advice, support and kicks up the pants for me!

@SillyLittleMargaret

'Give me the power to accept things I cannot change'

This has been my mantra. If anyone told me I couldn't give up drinking, lose some weight and get another well paid job I would have been fuming. I hate being told I cannot do something. Story of my childhood.
Alcohol is a poison. When I first read that I thought, yeah right! I rather like it. Now it tastes like acid (I have had few blips)
We have a choice Mags. You can do this. You don't need any special talent or qualifications. It is not the preserve of the wealthy or socially successful. It is the overwhelming desire to lead a better life.
For you, your family and loved ones. Alcohol dependence steals your headspace.

Soap box over!

sillylittlemargaret welcome back. It's hard to make that change of thought process. It doesn't always happen at the first hurdle. It takes time to embed in. Just keep going. It will click at some point. It took me a long time.

You say "can't drink". The rebel in me would rise up at that and say "yes! I bloody well can! Don't tell me what I can and can't do!". If you change your thought process to "I can drink but I choose not to" that may help. It did me.

When forever seemed too scary, or a year or even a week I used to say to myself that I can drink whatever I like tomorrow. Just not today. And tomorrow I would say the same. Then it becomes habit not to drink and that makes it all a bit easier.

And these days that were especially hard (Friday nights for me) I would say "I can drink whatever I like later on. But not right now". Hour by hour some times in those early days.

Sometimes it would piss me off and I would be grumpy, sometimes I could laugh at myself and go off and do something else and the urge would pass. Other times I would go to bed just to get the evening over and done with. And start anew the next day (without a hangover I hasten to add which made starting that day anew so much easier).

The more times you get through your particular witching hour the more you start to believe you can do this. And you can. Wendy is right. There's no magic wand that anyone has, it's just about making a choice in each and every moment. Sometimes that choice is easy, sometimes it is so god awful hard it hurts but then the easier times get more until you find yourself not even having thought of it for some time.

It might be helpful to unpick your times that you have had a drink, either on here or journalling or talking to someone in real life. What was the trigger? Is it the same time of day, or day of week? Were you tired? Bored? Annoyed?Hungry? Sad? Lonely? Was it a habit?

And, for me the biggest thing was always my toolbox. What tool was needed that would answer that particular need? A rest? A bath? An AF drink in a nice glass? A walk? A change of scenery? Bed? A cuddle? Sex! A chat with a loved one or friend? Swim. Book. Food. Sweet treats (which I needed a lot of at the beginning). Cinema. Yoga. Exercise. Shopping for something nice. That amount you would spend on booze there and then? Go buy something to wear, or for the house, or treat yourself to coffee and cake at a cafe.

It's not just about stopping something and feeling there's a void. It's about filling your boots with much more nourishing, nurturing practices that will scratch that itch, that will answer that need you have without resorting to your usual answer of alcohol. There are so many more ways to fulfill that need, it's just about finding them and trusting them.

Hello all. I'm here, doing well. Thanks for the new thread @Crunchymum

Welcome back @SillyLittleMargaret

I did some of my best learning in my time between dry spells- no experience is ever wasted.

one thing I’ve found very helpful, and is much easier when you’re not drinking, is to listen to how you talk to yourself. We all have a very loud inner critic, that tends to shout loudest. We let that inner critic talk to ourselves in ways we wouldn’t let anyone talk to our best friend. If we respond to ourselves more kindly, firmly but with compassion, it can be transforming.

some people talk about the wine witch, but I think of myself as having an inner toddler. In my early days my toddler would stamp her feet and say “but I LIKE wine!”, and it may sound daft, but I’d reply “I know you do darling, but it doesn’t like you”

The other thing I’ve learned recently is the phrase “never question the decision”. It’s a slightly tougher message than “one day at a time”, but I think it’s helpful. If you’ve decided not to drink today, then that’s it - if any thoughts stray in, shut them down quickly.

Good luck, and post as much as you need to

Thank you SO much everyone and @WendyWagon thank you for dragging out your soapbox for me! You're all incredibly wise. I really hope to be posting here a year from now with a clear head (and skin and eyes!) able to pass my advice on to someone else...

I think I drink for a few reasons; one is definitely confidence. I find it much easier to relax and enjoy myself socially when I drink. For instance we have relatives staying at the moment and last night my husband was late home. Once I poured some wine I was able to 'entertain' and felt far less stressed and awkward, but the funny/embarrassing thing is no-one else really drank. I find social conversation hard when I'm sober and often feel awkward and self conscious. I'm quite funny when I relax after a drink...
I also have an association with food - roasts and celebratory meals for instance and snacks in the evening with a glass of wine. I definitely think I'll lose weight if I can stay stopped!

My Dad started drinking pretty much daily about 20 years ago having been a social drinker (and smoker - he gave up 20 years ago after a first cancer diagnosis which is when the alcohol took its place) all his life. I think I've inherited his addictive personality - I'm very 'all or nothing'. Dad's been diagnosed with terminal cancer but is still drinking. He's had a couple of hospital stays and obviously hasn't drunk then for a week or so, but carried on once he was discharged. This is another solid reason for me NOT to drink because he may need me at anytime.

I will keep posting about things as they come to mind if you don't mind...but PLEASE tell me if it gets a bit much!

And @Breathmiller said need to work out what my toolbox is...
It might be a book, fire, cup of tea. Maybe exercise too

Also - sorry. @Onewildandpreciouslife my inner voice is LOUD and very, very critical. You're right - I wouldn't let anyone else speak to me like that.

@SillyLittleMargaret
Don't worry about blathering on. I do it.
The inner LOUD , it's me all over. I also have a deep loud speaking voice and am deaf in one ear. I have two friends that tell me to 'tun the volume down'. One I am giving up because she is a rude mare

By the way I changed my name from Sav. Got into a bit of a fight with some harpies. got trolled. I don't always type well due to my RA fingers, the queen of typos too.

Hi,

Apologies for the late, and succinct reply. Yes tonight is the night out with the guys from work. They have already gone straight to the bar, I've set the scene to say I'm not drinking so here we go! Thank you for the messages earlier, I do appreciate the support!! 😊 will read through posts properly later on!

Really interesting about last night @SillyLittleMargaret. You say you are quite funny “after you relax”. Looking back, can you pinpoint the exact moment that the tension left your shoulders and you could breath more easily?

I would put money on that happening much earlier than the alcohol kicking in. In fact, you said it happened when you poured the wine into the glass.

You are funny when you’re relaxed, and you don’t need alcohol to relax. Yes, it’s a very efficient shortcut, but it comes at a price. The “work” is finding an alternative way to relax.

Good luck chuck!

Good luck @Crayonpenny !