Hangxiety

[ERN79]

Hey all.

I'm posting this basically to keep myself accountable.

I'm 2 days post a heavy night of drinking & am crippled by feelings of anxiety, shame & guilt.
I feel like I've let people down. And I feel like a rubbish Mum to my kids, because due to my drinking & then the hangxiety we've had a very quiet weekend. I didn't want to do anything because I feel so anxious.

I'm not a regular drinker but when I do I binge.
I'm sick of feeling so awful in the days after & I want to change.
I'm worried about people's thoughts on my drinking or not drinking & how to get over this.
But this can't go on as it is. It's ridiculous.

So I'm leaving this here to be able to come back to when I start to think about drinking!

Feel free to join me/comment.

@ERN79, sorry for derailing there. My dsis messaged me as I was posting so it was on my mind ( was good news. He's finally agreed to go to counselling).

Lemonweightloss Hello!

You are so right – I only know people who either don't drink or drink to extremes, with one or two in between! The frustrating thing is, I can do it. I can have a glass of wine at home with dinner then stop. Or have two, then switch to water. Then I can go five days having nothing at all and not wanting it. But in a social setting, all reason goes out of the window! I'm 50 and I've been drinking like this – days of abstinence, then weekend bingeing – since I was 18. I dread to think the damage I've inflicted on my insides.

I'm going to try to stick to just a couple of drinks with my friend at dinner. It's going to be hard though, we're meant to be celebrating something…

Hi @MrsTrumpton, you sound very much like me!
Welcome to the gang!

@lemonweightloss your poor sis, how awful. I'm pleased things are looking up for him & her at the moment!

How are we all?

I'm laid in bed listening to my husband snoring his head off... And starting to feel anxious about the fact I spent last night with a friend & plenty of Prosecco.

I have zero willpower. Its a constant circle.

Hope you're all doing OK!

Has everyone disappeared?! 😂

Hi, I'm new. Have just been reading this thread for support. I drink once or twice a month when out, but always drink too much and feel so anxious for days afterwards, worrying about whether I've upset people and what people must think about me. Currently dreading work tomorrow following getting horrendously drunk on Friday night. I always feel so angry at myself for not being able to stop drinking after a few drinks. Every time I tell myself it has to stop, but every time I lose resolve.

@84Probs, hi there . Sorry you're feeling so bad. May I ask how old you are ? Did you go out with work Friday night is that what you mean?
I'm similar ( I'm 55 ) - I actually don't really like going out because I get in such a state. I've improved over the last few years but once I start, I'm the same - I don't stop.

Hi @Lemonweightloss. Thanks so much for replying. I'm 37 ("old enough to know better", I always tell myself). I was out with workmates on Friday for someone's leaving do. Some of the things that I get most frustrated with myself about is I often don't want to go out, but I worry I'll let people down if I don't, and thinking back the next day and being able to pinpoint when in the evening I should have stopped and gone home. I keep trying to quit drinking as I don't think I can just cut down. Apart from the anxiety, I feel so alone, as though I'm the absolute worst drunk and everyone's talking about how awful I am. Which sounds very self-absorbed! Do you find it gets easier to avoid the triggering social events?

Hi 84probs I am nearly 2 months sober and you have described how I am every time I go out unless, I avoid alcohol. I tend to avoid social, especially work situations. You would think I would just not drink!! But nope once I am out and others are drinking, well, you know the rest

Do you want to stop drinking? It took me a while to realise I needed to stop. I am still haunted by awful behaviour etc so that helps. I honestly don't know what the future holds re my drinking but, I am hoping it is permanent.

I have gained so much from being sober. It sounds strange as I didn't do the 'classic drunk' things such as drink every day, start early in the morning, drink to stop shakes but, I still had a serious drink problem.

Regarding work today, you have no alternative but to go in and try to hold your head high. I find honesty is the best policy so, if anyone says anything I would say I am sorry I had far to much to drink. Then you need to consider how you are going forward. I hope your day is not to bad, I am so glad I don't feel like this anymore.

Hi everyone 👋

I'm thinking about quitting my weekend bottle of wine. I rarely go out, but get a bottle for when the dc go to their dads and will drink that in the evening. The next day is then a write off so I'm just wasting my child free weekends sat on the sofa getting quietly pissed.

Can I ask, how much alcohol does everyone consume during a blow out? I could easily put away 2 and a half bottles in my 20s, but now just the 1 bottle is enough to make me feel like death. I don't smoke, eat meat, or like sweets or chocolate so the wine is my last vice and I'm loath to give it up!

@84probs hello!

I think we've all been you, I definitely have!
Go into work head high & style it out. You've got this 💪
I'm sure you are over thinking it way more than they are. Just from my own experience.
Good luck x

@Ohmnomnom why is wine a vice and why are you loathe to give it up?

@Brightspice it's a vice because its bad for you. Sinking an entire bottle in one sitting is anyway

I don't want to give it up because I enjoy it! It's become a bit of a routine of getting posh snacks, decent wine and watching a film on Netflix. The obvious answer is to only drink half but stopping at half a bottle feels like such an anti climax!

@84Probs, hope today went OK. I asked your age out of interest because I feel that if I'd have tackled my problem drinking years ago ( so let's say in my 30s), I would have saved myself a whole lot of shame, anxiety, embarrassment and money ! I know it's your choice to give up or not but I wish I'd have tackled it years ago.
Interesting what you say about not even wanting to go out. I no longer succumb to pressure. If I'm having a dry run and feeling motivated, I just don't go out. I found I resented it so much.
Let us know how you got on today.
Bit rushed this message as I'm running late but if you want to explore giving up further, I'll help.
( I haven't given up completely but I definitely have it under control ).

@Ohmnomnom, it's so hard sometimes thinking about how to replace it, that feeling of relaxation, of reward. I think it helps to change your mindset, so to think about not what you're missing but what you're gaining ( so better skin, better sleep, no headache, no anxiety etc), but I understand what you're saying. It's very difficult. I used to think I could never not drink on a weekend but once I started having af weekends, I was amazed at how brilliant my weekends were and how brilliant I felt on Monday morning. I got so much done and energy levels increased 10 fold.
A friend of mine is 8 months sober. She had to give up. She still really misses that feeling of relaxation, she's struggling but knowing she can't go back to drinking, leaves her with no choice but to carry on and hope it gets better.
People say get a hobby, have a bath, write in your journal but it's so hard. When you want a drink, you want a drink.
I could never ( in my worst days) have just had a bubble bath. I'd have drank the radox.
Your 1 bottle doesn't seem a lot really. But I guess that's not the problem. It's making you feel rubbish. I'd try a few Fridays without it, see how you get on.
In answer to how much we drink. I probably have 2 bottles a week ( used to have 7 !!). If I'm on a health kick run though, I can go without. I take it day to day really.

Thanks so much for the supportive words everyone. Today has not been too bad, aside from my own doubts. Very few people in the office and no negative feedback. I would love so much to be able to just cut down, but I just don't seem to be able to do it. As soon as I go out, I seem to forget all the anxiety and shame from previous binges, or at least put it to the back of my mind. How is everyone else doing?

@Ohmnomnom Would you feel better if you had your bottle of wine, but had a friend round to share it so that you're only having half with the bonus of good company? Would that be something which would work for you?

@Ohmnomnom your answers are insightful because they show why it can feel hard to give up because of competing thoughts: alcohol is bad but I like it and half a bottle feels like an anti climax

But here's the thing. Is alcohol bad? I would argue that alcohol is neutral. After all it just sits there, doing nothing. It's our thoughts about it that make it seem bad: I can't stop once I start, I can never drink just 1 glass (that was one of my personal faves back in the day)... and telling ourselves that alcohol is bad for you and you’re not allowed to have it can turn it into a forbidden fruit.

Alcohol is so stuffed with dopamine (which I like to think of as the desire drug) there's no wonder you think half a bottle is an anti climax. Your brain is always in the moment going to seek more of it (and this is why you can feel as though you're drinking against your will).

Compare how you'd act if you had the thought instead "half a bottle is just the right quantity" - would you mind only having half a bottle then?

Our thoughts are soooooo powerful but if we grab hold of them and direct them we get back control!

@Rupertpenrysmistress sounds like you've made so much progress - such splendid news!

Re: triggers at social occasions - do you only feel triggered if you're with a group of people who are drinking? Are you able to go into a bar on your own or with a non-drinking group?

@84Probs, glad it wasn't too bad.

brightspice I don't feel pressure to drink as such when out socially, initially I miss that 'hit' of alcohol but, once I have had one alcohol free drink and everyone is settled with their alcohol it passes. Honestly it's only 10 minutes max, it is not always easy and I do think maybe just one. I know that I cannot just have one. My DH drinks at home, not regularly though, I used to love it when he started drinking as that meant I could too.

Morning everyone.
Drank last night & now awake with anxiety. 🤦‍♀️
I don't know why I do it.
Currently trying to reassure myself that I'm allowed to go out & enjoy myself & that nobody but me is worrying about it.
I went to a friend's for a few drinks, wasn't hammered, was home & in bed by 10. But still beating myself up.
Why why why!!

@ERN79 sorry to hear you're feeling anxious. From the sounds of things you've got no need to be, it's just the horrible effects of alcohol. Have you got any distraction techniques for anxiety? I find colouring in quite helpful! Sending hugs x

[quote 84Probs]@ERN79 sorry to hear you're feeling anxious. From the sounds of things you've got no need to be, it's just the horrible effects of alcohol. Have you got any distraction techniques for anxiety? I find colouring in quite helpful! Sending hugs x[/quote]

Hiya, thanks. I've no need to be, it's just the bloody anxiety.
Trying to keep my mind otherwise occupied!
X

@ERN79, hope you're feeling better today ?
I hadn't drank all week til last night. I felt great all week, got loads done and lost weight.
I used to feel terribly anxious and guilty the next day but I've trained myself not to. I enjoyed the wine, I had a lovely evening and I can't turn back time, so no point.
I won't drink now to next Saturday, at the earliest.