I need help

[parchedjanuary]

I have an alcohol problem and I need help.

It's not affecting anyone else to much because I am single, no kids, live alone, and I don't have a job (on benefits).

I used to have a very good job. I didn't lose my job because of drinking. I was bullied out of my job and turned to drink. However, I do realise that if I had not turned to drink I would have been able to make better decisions about how to manage the situation that I found myself in and I could have saved my career. Instead I got drunk, managed it really badly and lost my career and most of my friends.

I also experienced an extremely traumatic assault during this time. I still blame myself, because alcohol made me vulnerable to the assault. People tell me that it was not my fault, it was the attackers decision to do what he did and he is the only one to blame. However, I know that if I hadn't been drinking it would not have happened.

I had a difficult upbringing, but I believed I could do something with my life and I did. Now I have lost it all. 3 years now I have been on sickness benefits. I never ever imagined that this would be me.

I feel like I'm to old to start again now (40s). Also, because of what happened to me (it was extremely horrific and traumatic), people don't really expect anything of me anymore. People accept that I'm now vulnerable and traumatised. There is zero pressure on me to sort my life out.

So I try to stop drinking. But I can't because everything is ticking along. Me , my benefits, I have finally stopped trying to kill myself constantly, so every things okay.

I was trying to do dry January.... but I'm drunk already.

Also I'm under the community mental health team. They are very helpful. But finally after so long I'm about to start therapy...very specific therapy I've needed all my life. I'm worried if they think I have a alcohol problem I won't be allowed to have this therapy.

I have made an appointment with the drug and alcohol service and will be talking to someone for an assessment on Friday....I'm just worried that it will mean that the mental health services will withdraw their offer of help.

I have a mental health problem and a alcohol problem.

I'm also a really nice person with a degree and have had a very professional career. But now it seems it's absolutely fine for me to be drunk and sad. That is all that is expected of me.

Help?

Thank you all for the supportive replies. I have got through the weekend without drinking.

Today is the first day that I feel physically a bit better. I have been trying to keep myself busy doing some decorating. I've started making a list of things that I want to do with my newly discovered free time....some simple hobbies I would like to try, books I would like to read and films I would like to watch!

I feel nervous about wether I will be able to keep this up. But it is nice not being hungover and hating myself every day.

My sleep has been really bad! I hope this improves soon.

@MinnieJackson I am looking forward to starting the therapy. It is one of my main motives for stopping the drinking. I have waited a long time for it and I know that if it is to work, I need to be able to experience my feelings and emotions....instead of numbing them with alcohol.

I have a problem that I cannot let myself go to the shops/supermarket because the temptation to buy alcohol will be too strong. I can shop online, but I will need to physically go there at some point before the end of the month which will be difficult.

That sounds really hard. Is there anyway someone could go to the supermarket for you? If you get to the end of the month sober then you might start to feel a bit better mentally, there's still loads of days you can rack up and with each one your body and mental health will be improving. I'm really wishing you all the best

You sound determined, and you deserve as much help as you can get. If AA isn't for you, is it worth looking into SMART recovery? They meet online and their approach is more CBT based, which might align better with the mental health work you are doing as well.

Well done on admitting the problem - it's the absolute most important thing you can do.

Are you still reading this thread, @parchedjanuary? I’m wondering how you’re doing, and whether you’ve started the therapy?

@PromisesMeanNothingSue I am still keeping an eye on the thread....thank you for asking!

I haven't managed to successfully quit alcohol. I guess it's harder than just making a decision that I'm just not going to do this anymore and stopping.

I am going to my therapy. It's going really well. The therapy is all about reviewing decisions that I make (drinking, amongst many other things), looking into why I made those decisions.... and then hopefully in the long term, making better decisions ( like addressing negative feelings with more helpful ways than drinking and all the other ridiculous things I do).

I'm definitely having many more alcohol free days now, and I'm really hoping that in the long term I will not need alcohol to cope with my emotions.

Thank you so much for asking x