I need help

[parchedjanuary]

I have an alcohol problem and I need help.

It's not affecting anyone else to much because I am single, no kids, live alone, and I don't have a job (on benefits).

I used to have a very good job. I didn't lose my job because of drinking. I was bullied out of my job and turned to drink. However, I do realise that if I had not turned to drink I would have been able to make better decisions about how to manage the situation that I found myself in and I could have saved my career. Instead I got drunk, managed it really badly and lost my career and most of my friends.

I also experienced an extremely traumatic assault during this time. I still blame myself, because alcohol made me vulnerable to the assault. People tell me that it was not my fault, it was the attackers decision to do what he did and he is the only one to blame. However, I know that if I hadn't been drinking it would not have happened.

I had a difficult upbringing, but I believed I could do something with my life and I did. Now I have lost it all. 3 years now I have been on sickness benefits. I never ever imagined that this would be me.

I feel like I'm to old to start again now (40s). Also, because of what happened to me (it was extremely horrific and traumatic), people don't really expect anything of me anymore. People accept that I'm now vulnerable and traumatised. There is zero pressure on me to sort my life out.

So I try to stop drinking. But I can't because everything is ticking along. Me , my benefits, I have finally stopped trying to kill myself constantly, so every things okay.

I was trying to do dry January.... but I'm drunk already.

Also I'm under the community mental health team. They are very helpful. But finally after so long I'm about to start therapy...very specific therapy I've needed all my life. I'm worried if they think I have a alcohol problem I won't be allowed to have this therapy.

I have made an appointment with the drug and alcohol service and will be talking to someone for an assessment on Friday....I'm just worried that it will mean that the mental health services will withdraw their offer of help.

I have a mental health problem and a alcohol problem.

I'm also a really nice person with a degree and have had a very professional career. But now it seems it's absolutely fine for me to be drunk and sad. That is all that is expected of me.

Help?

I’m here and I’m sending you a big hug. I don’t have any useful experience, but I’m impressed that you’ve found the strength to get professional help. Try not to assume the worst, I’m sure both teams will find a way to help you through this. Keep posting 👍

@Pearlyqueen21 Thank you. You don't know how much that means to me. I really really want to get better. I'm so sad about how things have ended up. This is not how it was meant to be 😔

Well done for seeking help. Having lost someone I loved through alcohol abuse I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm 4 years clean from binge drinking & it's the best thing I ever did. There are so many alcohol free drinks about now that once the cravings have stopped you won't miss it.

Routing for you. I managed to stop drinking four years ago and stop smoking a year and a half ago. I found taking Vitamin B complex helped.

@Nat6999 Thank you. The thing is that I really believe that I can do it. I'm so upset with myself for getting drunk this evening. I was all set to start with dry January, but I did have a bottle of Prosecco left over from my New Year's Eve (party for one!). I believed I could leave it in the fridge and use it to celebrate the 1st February....having completed dry January! Equally I knew I should have poured it down the drain, that was never going to happen. Of course, something very very mildly stressful happened today (completely normal human every day thing), and that was enough for me to justify opening the Prosecco...which led me to making an order on deliveroo for another bottle....so many ridiculous justifications in my mind about why that would be okay.

That is how alcohol lies to you. I'm so angry and pissed off with what alcohol has done to me and my life. I think this is the first time ever that I have actually felt angry with alcohol and everything that it has done to me.

Thank you for replying. This is a extremely lonely time for me

@Coyoacan Thank you so much. Really strangely I suddenly stopped smoking a month ago after being a very heavy smoker for over 25 years. I must admit I'm vaping like a trooper. But I'm 100% convinced I won't ever smoke again. I have absolutely no idea how it happened. I know I was thinking about it for a long long time. I really really hope I can do the same with drinking.

In fact if I think about it now, I think it was because I just no longer identified as a smoker (even though I was still smoking heavily and liked smoking)..... I wish that would happen with my drinking

Have a look on the British Liver Trust website where there are stories of people who have turned things around at much older than you, and even at end state of liver disease.
There is still time for you to change and you can do it.

Wishing you strength @parchedjanuary
Try to find a way of loving yourself. Just tiny ways. Respecting what you have been through.

Sending you lots of support. I’m proud of you for seeking help. I can’t offer an advice but let us know how you get on with this journey. It’s never too late to start again. Sending you virtual hugs

Oh that's such a sad post, I'm so sorry. I drank and drank for years - kids, work, relationship, nothing stopped me getting blind drunk every couple of days. I tried AA, therapy, read every book going. One New Year's Eve I just tipped the bottle of wine down the sink at midnight and stopped. It was really really really hard, at first. You just have to say no, every single time you want a drink. "Not today", "not now". Grim. Then felt awful physically for weeks. Then so tired and sad and LONELY without my mate booze.

14 years later I just don't think of it anymore. It's the best feeling ever, waking up every morning without a hangover.

Just in case it helps, you might check out ADHD? I was diagnosed last year (14 years sober) with ADHD and a lot of that earlier drinking I now see through the lens of chasing dopamine and covering over all kinds of stress related to adhd. I had had years and years of therapy, taken Anti deps for 20 years and it was ADHD all the goddam time.

Good luck. Im sitting with you. One day at a time. One minute at a time. Hungry angry lonely tired all make you drink, so avoid those states of being. Swim til you're exhausted. Well done in the fags too. They'd be no pleasure anyway without the booze.

My best advice is to come up with a plan. Start with getting off the booze. Instead, switch to healthy eating and exercise (you can find videos on youtube) or take walks outside. Take care of yourself, find good movies to watch, books to read etc. It will be hard, but you can do it. Focus on your plan to not drink. It makes it far more easy then if you just decide not to drink. The night I decided to stop was New Years eve. I had planned to drink, but was hungover and decided that instead I would not drink. I went to the store and bought vitamins, bath salts, magazine. I ordered a yummy dinner, had cupcakes on hand in cased I wanted something sweet. But I did not need them in the end. It was hard the first few days bc I felt anxious, but every day it is getting better.

You sound resilient and tentatively optimistic. What matters most is what you expect of yourself, not what others expect.
Have a browse of the alcohol free threads - they’re very supportive: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4410115-The-Freedom-Thread-Continued-Enjoying-the-positives-of-an-alcohol-free-life-Title-edited-by-MNHQ

Like @Mamabear12 says - you have to replace the drinking with positives. Things that give you joy.

And your life needs a focus. It could be volunteering, or a career change, or getting back into your old career (maybe with the help of a career coach?)

Can you find a way to stop yourself from just drifting along?

How are you doing, @parchedjanuary?

Hello, thank you for the supportive messages! I'm not doing too bad. I have not had any alcohol since I got drunk on Tuesday and posted here. I have none in the house now and don't plan on buying any. Just aiming to get through the weekend for now.

I spoke to the alcohol worker this morning. She will phone me again next week.

Physically I feel pretty rubbish. Very tired.

I have been thinking about all of the advice I have been given here. I think I need to plan some things to do in the evenings to create some enjoyment and keep my mind busy. I think I also need to try and get a bit more physically active.

I will update again with my progress if anyone is interested?

Thank you for the support x

Please update. And well done, I hope the next few days go well for you

Excellent news. The living alcohol free thread is full of people finding other things to do and distractions.

Hi OP, your post really touched me. I'm very sorry to hear about everything that happened you, you've really been through the wringer.

I just wanted to write and tell you you're not alone. I am also 40s, single with no kids so no-one to be accountable to and I also have a huge alcohol problem. Like you I tried dry January but only made it a few days before I found myself an excuse to drink. I have also had experience with the Addiction Service, counselling and the offer of psychiatric help but I still kept drinking.

I think it's great that you have been sober since your first post, keep going! Like I said, I just want you to know you're not alone and please do update us, I am rooting for you and I hope that we can best this demon alcohol finally.

@FoxglovesandBees Thank you for your reply. I hope you succeed in this journey too.

@parchedjanuary Congratulations on your alcohol free days. You sound like you're making positive steps forward and you're determined too.

Do you have any hobbies or interests to pursue? I found that booze made me forget what I enjoy and who I am, it's just narrowed everything down to itself. Even if you just pick a random new thing to try it can help to push alcohol out of your headspace.

Wishing you every success with this @parchedjanuary. The fact you have acknowledged a problem and are engaging with therapy puts you in such a good start with this. Have you listened to any Annie Grace? Her podcasts are really helpful as is her 30day free Alcohol Experiment (do the free one, not anything you need to pay for). She too was a very successful professional who gave up drink and she explains addiction and myths around alcohol well. I would get yourself lots of quit lit and plan activities for when cravings hit. Look after yourself with fresh air, walks, early nights and wholesome food and some little treats.
I’m so sorry to read of what you have been through, but it really looks to me like you have the ability and determination to make a real fresh start here. Wishing you every success. Come and join us on the freedom thread.

I'm in the same boat OP. I have family around but have just been made redundant so I am bindge drinking. I think dry January stopped on the 4th for me. I have been to A A but was embarrassed. Counselling would help me i think as like you i have suffered trauma. Good luck.

It sounds like you are up for doing some physical activity. The more we sit around the more tired we feel.
I know the weather is a bit shit but if you can force yourself out for a brisk walk (listen to music or a great podcast). There are also some great workout videos on You Tube.
Best of luck to you and keep posting here,there are many people who are going through the same or have been there.

Join soberistas.com xx

It sounds like you've been through an awful time, but you also sound kind, educated and thoroughly fed up.
If you don't want your trauma to define you, then don't let it. Do you have any family or friends that know how much you're struggling? I think you have a lot more to give than you're giving yourself credit for. I bet therapy is going to be tough for you, how do you feel about it? Please keep posting, there are so many lovely people on these threads that are rooting for you