Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

Booze is destroying my relationship with DD

67 replies

HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 05:42

I’m destroying my relationship with my beautiful 21 year old DD because of my drinking. We’re very close (she’s my only child and I’m divorced) and she’s home from uni for a couple of days. I’ve had a life-long problem with booze and she grew up with me binge-drinking and is completely allergic to me even touching a drop. Last night we were supposed to be having a meal out but I ruined it because I necked a bottle of wine before we left I was pretty drunk when we sat down to order and she had to tell me to go home and had to sort out the bill.

I don’t keep booze at home but a friend dropped a bottle of wine off yesterday afternoon. I knew there and then that I’d drink it despite knowing that it would probably ruin my evening with DD. There’s always some magical thinking going on that she won’t know if I’ve had a drink (she can sense even if I’ve had a couple) and that we’d have a nice evening. How do I repair things with her? Is my love of alcohol greater than my love for her? I function well and in other ways am a great mum but I know I have to stop drinking completely rather than thinking I can control it.

Please tell me what I should say to her before she goes back later today. I’m so very terrified of losing her over this and that this is the last straw.

OP posts:
something2say · 27/10/2021 05:46

Ah. Bless you.

I think it's time to bring in the professionals. Get some help and go tee total.

I don't think there's anything you can say to your daughter that she will believe. It's what you do next that counts.

Alcohol is dangerous. Time to put it down x

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 05:52

Thank you, you’re right and I’m getting support from next week. Lying here feeling so ashamed and filled with regret that I could do this to her.

OP posts:
neverornow · 27/10/2021 05:52

If you are serious about quitting then get some professional help.
Unfortunately seeing is believing so she probably won't believe you today if say you are going to quit.
But tell her that you will try and that you hope this is the last time she ever sees you like this.
Good luck. You can do this. Take it one day at a time x

rosie1959 · 27/10/2021 05:55

Actions speak louder than words you have to address this it won’t get any better
I understand everything you are saying but you need to get help you can’t do it alone
I was where you are and I made the decision I didn’t want to live like that anymore
I called the experts AA never ever regretted it now nearly 20 years ago

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 27/10/2021 05:57

Go to an AA meeting, go to the GP and request assessment for detox and when you've been told it's safe, stop drinking.
It's a shame you've waited til she's 21 to recognise the impact on her but it's never too late to change so for her sake as well as your own get it done.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 06:00

I keep telling myself it’s not that bad because I don’t drink every day and it’s only one bottle of wine at a time but it’s the way that I drink that’s so very dysfunctional. I’ve been doing this for such a long time and have tried to stop/alter my drinking on numerous occasions. Yes she won’t believe anything and all I can say is that I’m getting help.

OP posts:
rosie1959 · 27/10/2021 06:05

@HildegardeCrowe

I keep telling myself it’s not that bad because I don’t drink every day and it’s only one bottle of wine at a time but it’s the way that I drink that’s so very dysfunctional. I’ve been doing this for such a long time and have tried to stop/alter my drinking on numerous occasions. Yes she won’t believe anything and all I can say is that I’m getting help.
It’s not what you drink or even how much it’s what it does to you. Alcoholism is progressive it won’t improve As you go a while between drinks you are probably not going to need detox I didn’t I could stop drinking but I couldn’t stay stopped Oh and don’t beat yourself up you didn’t choose this but you can make a choice to do something about it now
Sunshinelover2 · 27/10/2021 06:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 06:32

Such love on this thread, thank you, it gives me hope I can change. You’re so right @Sunshinelover2. I have a severe anxiety disorder and so often alcohol abuse goes along with MH problems.

OP posts:
IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 27/10/2021 06:41

Hi OP

I’m the adult child of an alcoholic mother. I was still at primary school when DM stopped drinking, but old enough to remember it. DM went to AA and it has been part of her life for more than 40 years. It doesn’t work for everybody, but it’s free and accessible. DM has always said you need to reach rock bottom to climb out. This could be your rock bottom.

The “ helpless to a higher power” nature of AA often puts people off, but don’t think of your higher power necessarily as God. For you, it sounds like your daughter is the person you want to be accountable to. Many meetings have returned to f2f, but a seat is always kept for newcomers.

I need to go to work now, but I wish you the very best of luck with moving forward, whichever path you choose to take. But hey help, now is the time.

CaramelWaferAndTea · 27/10/2021 06:42

My mum drinks this way and I would literally be ecstatic if she had this level of insight about it. You need help, but you’re looking to get it. Well done and good luck OP x

RampantIvy · 27/10/2021 06:46

Does your "friend" know that you have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol?

Maybe ask her to stop buying wine for you.

Etinoxaurus · 27/10/2021 06:49

@CaramelWaferAndTea

My mum drinks this way and I would literally be ecstatic if she had this level of insight about it. You need help, but you’re looking to get it. Well done and good luck OP x
Lovely post. Flowers you can do this @HildegardeCrowe As pp have said AA is more accessible than ever. Flowers
MamsellMarie · 27/10/2021 06:50

Only a bottle of wine. That's masses imv only one glass - if you can't live without it - is addiction but a bottle! That's a lot.

What do you do after your bottle of wine - finish writing your first novel?
finish knitting DD her winter bobble hat? finish the end of the who dunnit you're reading? fall asleep in front of the tele?

I've just managed to stop drinking - health issues, - but didn't drink that much. But thinking of what you CAN do at the end of the day if you don't drink is quite an incentive and now I don't want to waste a whole evening dozing.

Capferret · 27/10/2021 06:54

If you’re really serious then don’t get help next week get it today!

You can never drink again and you know this.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 06:54

Yes I want to be accountable to DD @IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads. No “friend” doesn’t know @RampantIvy - I’ve only told two really close friends about my drinking and this one is actually a potential new man who’s putting me off with his OTT attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 07:01

“ You can never drink again and you know this”. Absolutely yes @Capferret.

Am sorry about your mum @CaramelWaferAndTea but at least I’m acknowledging I have a problem.

Tine to stop kidding myself that I don’t have a problem. Drinking a bottle of wine knowing that it will hurt DD is a massive problem.

OP posts:
Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 27/10/2021 07:03

AA for you, and there’s alanon for her if she wants it. As a previous person said “the higher power bit” can be anything, the most important bit is getting help, recognising your powerless over alcohol, and by that I mean once you take that first drink your powerless to stop, like with the bottle of wine once you opened it, it doesn’t sound like you could have just 1 glass, you ended up drinking the lot, so that’s AA’s 1st step-admitted you were powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable. Try a few meetings, everyone there will have been where you are now. My husbands a month off 8 years, I genuinely never thought it possible. Don’t put it off to next week, do it today.

Unescorted · 27/10/2021 07:09

My DH is similar - he has no off switch. Once he has one drink he is off to drink all other alcohol (even the rice wine used in Chinese cooking).

He has been AF for 3 months now - he swears by Under The Influence podcast as a starting point.

shivbo2014 · 27/10/2021 07:11

I grew up with an alcohol dependent mum it was really tough. Me and her are very close now though! I also ended up being a binge drinker and could see myself one day following my mum's route. I decided to totally stop drinking once I had my first child. It really was the best decision I've ever made and feel 100% better. I would really suggest reading This Naked Mind it really is very good. I think the only way to repair the damage is showing that you are serious about stopping drinking and actually do it.

HollowTalk · 27/10/2021 07:24

@HildegardeCrowe

Thank you, you’re right and I’m getting support from next week. Lying here feeling so ashamed and filled with regret that I could do this to her.
No. Get support today, not next week!
Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 07:26

Yes could find an AA meeting today

OP posts:
AtlasPine · 27/10/2021 07:36

I don’t think you should make any promises about never drinking again. Just promise her you’re seeking help, and keep that promise. Today not next week.

She won’t trust or believe you until you actually show her so this will take a long time. Be patient and don’t expect her to instantly be there supporting and believing in you. Keep a diary - an honest one - of how you’re doing online and give her a link with no expectations that she should look at her, but as a reference she can dip into if she chooses to do so.

Ditch the man who is bringing wine, even if he didn’t know about your drinking. You don’t need the stress of a new relationship while you are learning to understand your relationship with booze and give it up totally.

Good luck. I hope she forgives you when she sees you meant what you said about giving up.

clarkkentsglasses · 27/10/2021 07:44

You totally have my empathy OP.

If you're serious about stopping then it's time to ask for help. It's out there.

Wishing you all the best

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 08:34

Sitting here waiting for her to get up. Terrified she won’t want to talk to me and will leave and I won’t know when I’m seeing her again. I deserve this and it’s all my own fault.

But I know this could be a wake-up call and I can start to make a change. Even if she’s out of my life for a while, I can try to stop drinking for good and hope that she’ll come back to me.

OP posts: