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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Booze is destroying my relationship with DD

67 replies

HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 05:42

I’m destroying my relationship with my beautiful 21 year old DD because of my drinking. We’re very close (she’s my only child and I’m divorced) and she’s home from uni for a couple of days. I’ve had a life-long problem with booze and she grew up with me binge-drinking and is completely allergic to me even touching a drop. Last night we were supposed to be having a meal out but I ruined it because I necked a bottle of wine before we left I was pretty drunk when we sat down to order and she had to tell me to go home and had to sort out the bill.

I don’t keep booze at home but a friend dropped a bottle of wine off yesterday afternoon. I knew there and then that I’d drink it despite knowing that it would probably ruin my evening with DD. There’s always some magical thinking going on that she won’t know if I’ve had a drink (she can sense even if I’ve had a couple) and that we’d have a nice evening. How do I repair things with her? Is my love of alcohol greater than my love for her? I function well and in other ways am a great mum but I know I have to stop drinking completely rather than thinking I can control it.

Please tell me what I should say to her before she goes back later today. I’m so very terrified of losing her over this and that this is the last straw.

OP posts:
Adm1010 · 27/10/2021 10:40

Join us in the freedom thread . Have a read through the old posts for inspiration .

I have uni age children as well as older and I understand you .

inthekitchensink · 27/10/2021 10:42

Books - quit like a woman and the naked mind. Allen carr. And the unexpected joys of being sober

GP for help
Good luck you can do it

Etinoxaurus · 27/10/2021 10:53

Take her coffee and then take her out for breakfast. Don’t tell her about your plans, it’s boring and depressing hearing about drinkers plans to stop. But do it. You can.
Flowers

RestingPandaFace · 27/10/2021 10:58

@HildegardeCrowe

Wanting to change is the first step. Don’t put it off, you are online now, get yourself into an AA meeting.

You can’t tell her that you are going to change, she won’t believe you and she’s probably heard it all before. Show her that you can change by taking the first steps.

Reach out to your friend and tell him that you are giving up drinking and to support you by not bringing any more wine around.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2021 11:08

Op did you have more than you’re saying, I don’t understand why you were fine enough to leave but so drunk at the meal she had to send you home and sort the bill. Or do you mean when you “necked it” you literally downed the bottle in pretty much a oner?

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 11:34

Thank you for the support and will join the thread @Adm1010. We’ve talked and it makes me very sad because she said she was used to me behaving like this and had given up hoping I’d stop drinking 😊 I so want to show her I can change.

OP posts:
Candleabra · 27/10/2021 11:42

Great you have recognised this.
Now do something about it. Any small positive action will speak louder than the grandest plans.

My friend is always so remorseful after a bender. So many promises. I’ll never drink again, I’ll get healthy, I’ll fix this. Does nothing. Repeat cycle. 100 times.

Don’t tell your DD - show her how serious you are.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 12:38

Yes actions will speak much louder @Candleabra.

OP posts:
LoathesomeLinsey · 27/10/2021 12:41

It isn't for everyone, but you could try AA. You don't have to be an everyday drinker. The only criteria is that you want to stop drinking.

I think once you know alcohol is ruining your relationships, yes, it's a big problem, even if you don't drink that much compared to some people.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 27/10/2021 12:44

If you were serious , then get support right now not next week . Phone AA right now speak to someone , attend a meeting even if you don't participate .
I'm afraid early morning apologies sounds like drinkers remorse to me . My dad is an alcoholic , I don't see or speak to him now . HTH

MatildaIThink · 27/10/2021 12:51

If you really want to stop drinking and feel you lose control sometimes then it might be worth asking your doctor if they will prescribe you Antabuse.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disulfiram

stalkersaga · 27/10/2021 12:57

From where I sit, something that would help both you and your DD would be to stop hiding.

Tell your friends "I am an alcoholic". You're still hiding.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 15:38

She’s gone now so I must really apply myself to becoming sober and hopefully when she comes home for Christmas I can know that I’m not going to ruin it and will have a couple of sober months under my belt. And I won’t have to say a word about it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2021 15:41

You have the power to change this, but you have got to recognise that you are an alcoholic. Not just a problem drinker, an alcoholic. You must never drink alcohol, ever again. It is poison to you. Act fast before your relationship with your daughter is damaged beyond repair.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2021 15:44

@HildegardeCrowe

She’s gone now so I must really apply myself to becoming sober and hopefully when she comes home for Christmas I can know that I’m not going to ruin it and will have a couple of sober months under my belt. And I won’t have to say a word about it.
Sorry, op, but here is where you're going wrong. Why won't you talk to your daughter about this, and admit to her that you know you're an alcoholic. You're still planning on living with secrets, avoidance and denial. That is not going to help you.
Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 15:51

Yes that’s the issue I have, being able to call myself an alcoholic @Aquamarine1029. Because I only drink around 20 units a week and sometimes I can have a couple of sociable glasses of wine and not get drunk I think I’m just a problem drinker blah blah. But I’ve tried so many times to cut down and always return to my old ways.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2021 15:53

You just have to say it, op. Call your daughter later today and admit it to her. Like my uncle told me, nothing changed for him until he admitted he was an alcoholic. Not just to himself, but to everyone. He was like you, didn't drink all the time, held a successful job, but he was without question an alcoholic, and it would have ended up destroying his life.

stalkersaga · 27/10/2021 16:06

Yes, you need to admit to yourself, and your DD, and your friends, that you are an alcoholic. And dating right now is probably not the best idea if you are serious about getting and staying sober, tbh.

Did you get in touch with AA?

paisley256 · 27/10/2021 16:18

Wish you all the best OP, really hope you can pull through this Flowers

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 27/10/2021 16:36

Feeling like total shit right now and keep reliving the awfulness of last night but buoyed by all your posts 🙏 I HAVE to use this to effect a change or continue to cause damage and most of all stop telling myself stories that my drinking isn’t really that bad.

OP posts:
IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 27/10/2021 17:40

@HildegardeCrowe

Yes that’s the issue I have, being able to call myself an alcoholic *@Aquamarine1029*. Because I only drink around 20 units a week and sometimes I can have a couple of sociable glasses of wine and not get drunk I think I’m just a problem drinker blah blah. But I’ve tried so many times to cut down and always return to my old ways.
It’s not about how much or how often you drink. If drinking alcohol is causing you problems, then you’re an alcoholic.
ToughLuckCharlie · 27/10/2021 17:48

Alcohol is causing problems in your closest relationships. You couldn’t stop yourself from be king a bottle of wine even though you knew your daughter would be upset. Your daughter was out in a position where she had to parent you by sending you home from dinner drunk. This is alcoholism. It really doesn’t matter how much you drink or whether you can sometimes drink without consequences. It’s causing pain to your child and you know it’s a problem and have been trying to hide it.

AA online meetings run all day every day. Google them and go along to a few. There will be many people who drank like you. Not all alcoholics are park bench 24/7 drinkers.

I’m a recovering alcoholic and my daughter’s face when I’d reach for a drink was what finally got me to accept my drinking was a problem. You’ll have to grow to accept it, too, though. You can’t get and stay sober for someone else.

ToughLuckCharlie · 27/10/2021 17:49

Be king = necking

Clementineapples · 27/10/2021 17:52

I’ve been sober for 12 years with 2 slip ups.
You need to be honest with your daughter, tell her you’ve made an appointment with gp to get help.
As it’s not extremely excessive every day I would go cold turkey.
Anyone who has form for buying you drink tell them you don’t drink and need them to respect that.

Also look at why you drink. Is it to cover anxiety? A habit? To block things out? Boredom? Then tackle the root cause. Good luck Flowers

Clementineapples · 27/10/2021 17:56

Because I only drink around 20 units a week and sometimes I can have a couple of sociable glasses of wine and not get drunk I think I’m just a problem drinker

That’s classic denial, along with ‘well I don’t smoke/take drugs/whatever so it’s not that bad.

Necking a bottle of wine.
Drinking on your own.
Turning to alcohol for support or confidence.
Being unable to be in a social situation without drink. All signs of an alcoholic. You don’t have to be drinking 5l of vodka a day for it to be a problem. Unfortunately you are and will always be an alcoholic. I promise you though that you will feel so much better and happier in the long run.