Booze is destroying my relationship with DD

[HildegardeCrowe]

I’m destroying my relationship with my beautiful 21 year old DD because of my drinking. We’re very close (she’s my only child and I’m divorced) and she’s home from uni for a couple of days. I’ve had a life-long problem with booze and she grew up with me binge-drinking and is completely allergic to me even touching a drop. Last night we were supposed to be having a meal out but I ruined it because I necked a bottle of wine before we left I was pretty drunk when we sat down to order and she had to tell me to go home and had to sort out the bill.

I don’t keep booze at home but a friend dropped a bottle of wine off yesterday afternoon. I knew there and then that I’d drink it despite knowing that it would probably ruin my evening with DD. There’s always some magical thinking going on that she won’t know if I’ve had a drink (she can sense even if I’ve had a couple) and that we’d have a nice evening. How do I repair things with her? Is my love of alcohol greater than my love for her? I function well and in other ways am a great mum but I know I have to stop drinking completely rather than thinking I can control it.

Please tell me what I should say to her before she goes back later today. I’m so very terrified of losing her over this and that this is the last straw.

You don’t have to say you’re an alcoholic if you don’t like that label. But you must admit to a problem. And you wouldn’t be posting here otherwise.
I’m sorry to be harsh, but talking vaguely about being sober at Christmas is classic postponement and denial. Already you’re minimising. Before you can do anything you have to be honest with yourself. Or this thread is just drinker’s remorse the day after.

I think you say it in your OP. You have "magical thinking". That's you being unable to stop yourself from drinking.

You've had lots of good advice already about support groups, but this magical thinking is something you can't fix with willpower alone. So get that support and you will see how much nicer life is without alcohol. Imagine having better looking skin, feeling happy, fresher, not getting sick as much, never EVER having a hangover again because you are not poisoning yourself.

I won't go into my own experiences, but I promise you I know how that magical thinking takes hold of you

As an adult daughter of a mother who killed herself through drinking, who’s actions have affected me all my life please take it from me you will lose her eventually if you carry on.

I begged, pleaded, cried, ignored, TRIED EVERYTHING to help her stop but she wouldn’t. I could tell when she’d had just one drink, that slack faced look, that slurred speech.

I sickened me in the end and it destroyed all my love for her. Please, please listen to me and stop before you destroy your relationship altogether. I had to go NC for the last two years of my mothers life and she died on her own at 62, yellow with organ failure.

I still have to live with it years later, it changed me and my whole life. Take heed, your daughter will have a line in the sand, it may not be now but she’ll eventually have a family of her own and she’ll want to protect them. She won’t put up with your alcoholism if it affects her and her children.

You are deluding yourself. You know you drink far more than 2 bottles of wine a week. Please go back to your gp and tell them exactly how much you actually drink.

Actually I very rarely drink more than 2 bottles but I drink a bottle at a time. That’s what worries me so much about my drinking, that. I can’t open a bottle and put it back in the fridge at the end of the evening half-finished. It’s how I drink rather than how much that makes me think I’m alcohol dependent.

My father used to say "you will never ever see me drunk". What evidently didn't occur to him, is that I don't think I can remember ever seeing him sober either.

You can do this.

If alcohol is destroying your relationship with your dd you're drinking more frequently than twice a week op.

Why won’t people believe me when I say I drink on average twice a week and about 20 units? If I drink like this am I really an alcoholic? I’m ready to say I am but am confused....

I believe that’s how much you drink and how you drink.
How much is 50% over guideline maximum and how is like a alcoholic.
As you said above you need to stop telling yourself it’s not too bad.
Have you found a local AA meeting yet?

It actually doesn't matter how often you drink. If you find you start and can't stop, even if that is twice a year, not twice a week, you still have a problem. It is also ruining your relationship with the person you are closest to.

Go to AA and quit stalling . They aren't going to quiz you on the way in. The only thing you need to start AA is a desire to stop drinking. You don't have to be pouring vodka on to your cornflakes of a morning!

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/AA-Meetings/Find-a-Meeting/

If I drink like this am I really an alcoholic?

Does it matter what the label says? You posted here saying you have a life long problem with booze and it’s destroying your relation with your daughter.
A few days later you’re going round in circles wondering if things are bad enough. Remember how you felt after this weekend. Go back and read your opening post. Then decide whether you want to do something about it, or carry on minimising and stalling.

@HildegardeCrowe

Why won’t people believe me when I say I drink on average twice a week and about 20 units? If I drink like this am I really an alcoholic? I’m ready to say I am but am confused....

To be honest I think so yes, if you can’t habe a bottle of booze in the house without “necking” it and do so knowing you have other commitments Ie dinner with your daughter, and she herself has had a life time of this, then yes, I think yoire an alcoholic.

@HildegardeCrowe

If you NEED alcohol. You’re an alcoholic.
If you can’t get through an evening without a glass of wine.
If you choose alcohol over other commitments.
If you rely on it due to anxiety.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a bottle a day or a bottle a week, it’s why you drink it that determines if it’s alcoholism.

The label doesn't matter. What matters is that once you start, you can't stop. You get drunk, your behaviour affects your loved ones. That is all you need to know to tell you that you cannot drink again. Have you done the AUDIT questionnaire? link here

In many ways, 'alcoholic' isn't a useful label. However, you do clearly have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, which is affecting a key relationship in your life with a loved one. You don't need more than that.

Moreover, if you address the underlying cause of your dysfunctional drinking, you will find your life improving in so many ways. You really can't lose here.

How’s it going Op?
You sound like me a year ago.
I thought I could moderate as I can go weeks without drinking but when I have one I have loads. So for my 3 x DDs sake I stopped drinking. I used Annie Grace’s 30 day alcohol experiment - there’s a free version online if you scroll far enough. You can do this!

@MamsellMarie

Only a bottle of wine. That's masses imv only one glass - if you can't live without it - is addiction but a bottle! That's a lot.

What do you do after your bottle of wine - finish writing your first novel?
finish knitting DD her winter bobble hat? finish the end of the who dunnit you're reading? fall asleep in front of the tele?

I've just managed to stop drinking - health issues, - but didn't drink that much. But thinking of what you CAN do at the end of the day if you don't drink is quite an incentive and now I don't want to waste a whole evening dozing.

This 'what do you do after your bottle of wine' is so important. Alcohol robs of all those possibilities. It is a progressive illness. But you can live with it and live a happy life by getting sober and working on staying that way, one day at a time. I would recommend AA.