How do I cut-down/stop drinking?

[CuckooCuckooClock]

I’m in desperate need of help.
I have always used alcohol to cope with pretty much any sort of pain or distress but it’s so much worse after all this COVID-19 business.
What I really need is alternative strategies to cope with stress/anxiety in the moment. For eg yesterday afternoon the dc were complaining they were hungry but refusing any of my suggestions. The kitchen needed tidying (dishwasher unloading and reloading etc) washing needed to be hung out, cat brought in a half-dead animal, ds pissed all over the bathroom so that all needed cleaning then my dad rang for some help with his house move and a school mum text to complain that my dd was leaving hers out. I know that is all standard family shit but I just couldn’t cope so I drank a bottle of wine whilst I sorted it all. I need another way to cope with the panic so I can do all the jobs.
Does anyone have any ideas?

@CuckooCuckooClock

If you genuinely want to address this issue you need to start NOW.

Write down all the reasons why you want to make changes. Be honest. Be brutal. Money? Health? Habit? Emotion?

Go to the park anyway. Bit of distraction

GPs cannot help much pass the referral to relevant services.

Thanks for all the sympathetic responses. It’s not the summer holidays - it was just as bad in July.

Try and get some fresh air. Or phone a trusted friend/family member.
The anxiety meds don’t sound like they are working. I’d suggest asking the GP for a referral for CBT and a prescription review.
Does making a list help you? It does me - everything feels a bit less overwhelming.
I also listen to meditation on YouTube when I need to dial it down a bit.

I could take them to the park but they’ll need lunch soon so will probably get hungry and we’ll all end up in a state. I will probably take them out this afternoon but they will resist. This is yet another thing I find really hard. I know the dc need to get out but they refuse to move so I have to insist and they get upset.

No - making a list sounds like torture!
They won’t refer me for cbt while I’m drinking so much - you have to stop drinking first. But I don’t know how. No friends or family and dh is just avoiding me these days - don’t blame him really -must be awful to live with. I hate that I am ruining my family’s lives. I have thought about leaving to give them a chance to live without all my crap.

What I need is not a long term plan to get better but just a way to get through the rest of the day.
I have no childcare so I can’t do anything that means I cannot look after the children at the same time so meditation is out because the dc would keep harassing me and I would get really stressed.

Can you take it an hour at a time? Just think I'm not going to have a drink until 1pm and see how I feel then?

You sound massively in denial I'm afraid - you absolutely need a long term plan and judging by what you've said about how and why you drink that long term plan needs to start by calling the AA helpline.

I'm in recovery it's amazing

I know I need a long term plan to get better but what I meant is I can’t think about that right now because I’m too ill. Not that I don’t have a massive problem- I know I do. I have many massive problems. I’m pretty sure I’m not in any sort of denial but it’s always useful to have potential shortcomings pointed out just to make sure.

Could you see if AA has any online meetings you could join after DC are in bed tonight? You need support from people who understand what you're going through. You need support to change that narrative in your head saying you can only cope if you drink.

There are things you can do in the moment for anxiety and what sounds like panic attacks.

Various grounding techniques, they do need to be practiced when calm first. You could write those you find helpful on post it's and stick up round the house for easy reference.
www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques#mental-techniques

It's very individual what helps. You can get through a day, taking it moment by moment. Can get through weeks and months one moment at a time. But in the long run you need real support to replace your maladaptive coping strategies with healthy ones.

Could you afford to see a psychiatrist privately or get referred into the public system? They're the specialists when it comes to medication for mental health issues. I doubt your GP has exhausted all the options. There are antidepressants like amitriptyline that work on both depression and anxiety. Anxiety medication may be able to be added to your current antidepressant. It can get a bit complex mixing mental health medications, which is where a psychiatrist can be really helpful. Can you see a different GP? Simply upping medication isn't always a useful strategy, you need the right medication. I don't know if the GP is right saying you can't do CBT while still drinking to excess, I do know from my own experience that you need support to get through this. That could be the right medication or therapy or a support group, but you need help with this long term and ultimately the only way to get that is to keep pushing. Which is oh so hard with you're struggling mentally. If you can't access therapy or get different medication or see a specialist maybe AA would be a good router to try. I hope you find what you need soon.

@CuckooCuckooClock

Dc are 7 and 11. No proper break and I WFH during the holidays so it’s been me and them nonstop. But I am dreading going into work next week when they’re back at school. Everything feels so awful. That’s why I am already counting down the minutes until I can open another bottle. I usually try to wait until 5pm so I’m not too drunk before dc bedtime. It’s going to be another long day!

This is what I meant by not having drink in. If you can give the kids their tea, then go out for wine, you’ve pushed the starting time back. It’s about changing the habit you are in.

Are you sure you’re only drinking 4 bottles of wine a week ?
Lots of people drink a bottle a day and don’t feel like you. Everyone is different, and your experience is your own, but you need to be honest about how much you’re drinking and anything else you might be taking.

You might think a book recommendation is the last thing that will help, but it helped me big time. Not as crazy as it sounds. It might sound lame but its a good place to start. A few books I would recommend are:

Catherine Grey - The Joy of Being Sober (memoir)
Jason Vale - Kick The Drink Easily (self help)
Claire Pooley - Mummy Was a Secret Drinker (memoir) here [[https://clarepooley.com/blog]]
Lotta Dann - Mrs D is Going Without

Good luck OP

Also one more thing. At the beginning I surrounded myself by copious amounts of AF drinks. Coke Zero, Nosecco, AF beers, AF gins. Whatever helps you get over the 5pm urge until you break the habit. Took about 5 months of drinking a lot of AF drinks at 5pm until I broke the association of going in the kitchen to cook with having a drink.

Reverse everything in your comment:
Alcohol does NOT help you deal with family life
Alcohol does NOT make coping with tricky stuff easier
Alcohol does NOT make dealing with the kids easier
Alcohol does NOT serve you
It just fills you with a fleeting contentment and then dullness. It’s just dopamine. Chocolate, sex and exercise would do the same without the hangover.
What you need is some help around the house, turn off your phone so the school mums can wait, prioritise your own mental health so get a cleaner if pos.
Alcohol is making it worse. It truly is.
Implement one rule - only have a drink when you are relaxed and happy. Make it a treat. Or it will quickly slip into being a stupid, senses dulling, crabby old crutch that you can’t enjoy or get rid of.
Life is hard enough for women without poisoning yourself just to get through it!

Sorry if I’ve missed something but why can’t your DH take the kids? You sound so tired

Samaritans

Contact them

Thanks for the responses.
Love the idea that sex could help! Ha haven’t had sex in years. Max dose of ssris are not great for libido and my dh hates me so I’m pretty sure the idea would horrify him.
I am never relaxed and happy. That’s just not me sadly even before the pandemic. Unless I’ve had a drink of course! I’ve always been this way.
Alcohol free drinks have helped a bit. As has putting loads of ice in wine to water it down. I’ve not heard of nosecco I might try that.
I’ve tried loads of different medications including amitriptyline because I also have chronic pain and it was supposed to help with that. I attempted suicide shortly after starting that so I’m reluctant to try any tricyclics now.
On a good day I can have a non alc at dinner time but what I need is a strategy for the shit days. I don’t doubt that a self help book might be useful and I gave a huge pike of them that I have collected but never read.

Thanks all so much for your suggestions I will certainly try some of them. I really should drag the dc out now before they turn on each other.
Yes I am so very tired. A combination of drugs that cause sleep disturbances, drinking too much and dc that still don’t sleep through the night (bed wetting issues) mean I am seriously sleep deprived.
It’s all so fucking shit. Even without the alcoholism I would be a total mess!

If you can spend time on Mumsnet you can definitely find ten mins a day to read a short chapter of a book and on successive days. It can literally flip a switch in your head. If you can’t find the time to do that then just carry on boozing.

Surfing the web gives the same soothing short lived dopamine hit as drinking ...not the same as reading books and it’s also addictive.

Yeah reading a self help book to tackle an addiction totally takes the same time energy and focus as browsing mn.
I pop off and cure myself now. In the meantime I try to treat people who are desperate and asking for help with compassion. Like most people on this thread. Many thanks. I wish I had friends in rl like some of the lovely posters here.

@CuckooCuckooClock

No - making a list sounds like torture! They won’t refer me for cbt while I’m drinking so much - you have to stop drinking first. But I don’t know how. No friends or family and dh is just avoiding me these days - don’t blame him really -must be awful to live with. I hate that I am ruining my family’s lives. I have thought about leaving to give them a chance to live without all my crap.

Making a list might be torture but that's the point. It's about facing reality.

Please take some time to read the NHS website. I deal with patients who have alcohol addiction problems and come to the surgery for help. There are many options to explore.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/treatment/