How do I cut-down/stop drinking?

[CuckooCuckooClock]

I’m in desperate need of help.
I have always used alcohol to cope with pretty much any sort of pain or distress but it’s so much worse after all this COVID-19 business.
What I really need is alternative strategies to cope with stress/anxiety in the moment. For eg yesterday afternoon the dc were complaining they were hungry but refusing any of my suggestions. The kitchen needed tidying (dishwasher unloading and reloading etc) washing needed to be hung out, cat brought in a half-dead animal, ds pissed all over the bathroom so that all needed cleaning then my dad rang for some help with his house move and a school mum text to complain that my dd was leaving hers out. I know that is all standard family shit but I just couldn’t cope so I drank a bottle of wine whilst I sorted it all. I need another way to cope with the panic so I can do all the jobs.
Does anyone have any ideas?

Another vote for Annie Grace; her podcasts, books, experiment

Hi OP, how's it going?
Hope your day improved or at least didn't get any worse!

Thank you nowty
I managed to not drink until 8:30 pm then just had 2 small glasses of wine with dinner so that’s a semi success so far.
Still feeling dreadful in the truest sense but I do really appreciate you checking on me. I hope you’re having a nice evening.

That's progress then!
Just take it a day at a time...that's all you can do really.
Take care, I really hope things get better for you.

Bloody well done @CuckooCuckooClock

Thanks. The problem is I could only manage that because I shut myself away on my own all evening. Totally ignored the family. I can’t do that as a long term strategy really. Unless I move out. Which I have been considering.

Is he capable with the DC? I couldn't leave mine with H because he gets angry and they'd feel anxious without me there, but if leaving for a little while to get things under control is possible I think it's an option worth considering.

It's still good even if you can't repeat the
circumstances regularly. You find the way through one moment, one hour, one day at a time.

Would it be possible for you to take 1 or better 2 nights a week where you do that, leave him to deal and take a break? It could help mentally getting through other days if you know that's coming, that you'll get a break soon.

I have chronic pain too and my own maladaptive coping strategies, mostly overeating and staying up late on MN mindlessly reading because I can't face the pain. I'm in pain constantly and I've gained a lot of weight in the last few years comfort eating, obviously not a helpful strategy for anyone, especially with the pain. There's a chronic pain board on here with a support thread if your interested in talking to others going through the same things.

Thanks Luna
I’m sorry to hear about your pain. I have a friend who self medicates with food and we’ve often talked about how similar her relationship with sugar is to mine with alcohol.
Dh was fine with the dc yesterday but he’s is really stressed at work and doesn’t cope well with sleep deprivation (that is why I’ve always dealt with the night waking). It would be really tough on the dc to leave them with dh. It’s so hard to decide what’s best.

Don't get so wound up and be kinder to yourself!!

For eg yesterday afternoon the dc were complaining they were hungry but refusing any of my suggestions.

So the answer to that is, "go without then " and ignore them after that. Seriously they can't be that hungry or they'd choose something.

The kitchen needed tidying (dishwasher unloading and reloading etc) washing needed be hung out, cat brought in a half-dead animal, ds pissed all over the bathroom so that all needed cleaning

All standard chores.

then my dad rang for some help with his house move and a school mum text to complain that my dd was leaving hers out.

Ignore the text and the phone call and then text to tell your dad you're in the middle of something and you'll talk later.

Is there something else going? That doesn't sound like a set of circumstances that would drive someone to drink. Ignore the moaning kids and the texts and crack on.

Don't keep booze in the house. If it isn't there, you can't drink it.

That doesn't sound like a set of circumstances that would drive someone to drink

No, as I said, I can understand that this is all standard stuff but I am very ill and have been for a long time. you are correct that a healthy person wouldn’t find this as difficult but I am not a healthy person!
I wish not getting wound up and being kind to myself was in my skill set but it isn’t.

These things haven’t happened without a wider context - I was physically and emotionally abused throughout my childhood. I have been with severely depressed or moderately depressed for the last 20 years. I’m not drinking because the dc won’t eat dinner I’m drinking because I don’t have a healthy,measured response to the dc not eating dinner.

Morning Cuckoo,
I think the fact that you know why you are drinking is progress in itself.

Have you had any therapy for the childhood abuse??

If not, I would try to make a start with this. I think just the fact of talking about it will help you. I had counselling myself a couple of years ago and it really helped me. Basically made me feel that I shouldn't have been treated the way I was. And that it wasn't my fault that I dealt with things the way I did.

You absolutely deserve better.

Thank you nowty
I have had a lot of various forms of therapy over the years but it seems that it is constant hard work to try and change and I’m not sure I have any more left in me. I had over 30 hours of cbt before my ds was born and I am definitely better than I was at some things but still pretty disfunctional.
I think I have a pretty good insight into my problems I just don’t seem to be able to change my emotional responses.

I have also been seen many times by variously psychiatrists. One told me that she had never me anyone with as low self esteem as I have. Another diagnosed me with bipolar and prescribed mood stabilisers which were amazing but I became allergic to them so had to stop.
Writing this has really helped. I think I will try again to find a therapist privately who will take me (it has been difficult to find someone because I’m so seriously ill and being constantly re-assessed, only to be turned away, has been awful).

I would truly love to silence my mother’s criticism of me during my childhood but it’s always there reminding me that I’m a useless piece of shit and don’t deserve to exist. My parents always told me that I ruined their lives and now I constantly think that I ruin the lives of everyone around me. Which is objectively true.
Right I’ve got so much work to do today that I should have done last week but didn’t manage so I’m going to switch off mn for today otherwise I’ll get a bollocking at work tomorrow morning.

Sounds like you might have complex PTSD from your childhood?

@CuckooCuckooClock

Thanks Luna I’m sorry to hear about your pain. I have a friend who self medicates with food and we’ve often talked about how similar her relationship with sugar is to mine with alcohol. Dh was fine with the dc yesterday but he’s is really stressed at work and doesn’t cope well with sleep deprivation (that is why I’ve always dealt with the night waking). It would be really tough on the dc to leave them with dh. It’s so hard to decide what’s best.

I was thinking the same, though I have to add carbs to the sugar addiction 😁.

I've always dealt with night waking for the same reason. In my case at least partly motivated to do so to protect DC from his moods. I told myself things like that a lot, that he couldn't cope, but I think it was more didn't think he should have to cope.

That's really tough about the mood stabilises, I've been through similar, can't take any of the pain killers that have helped briefly over the years because of allergies. It feels so unfair on top of being really sick that your body is rejecting the very things that could help you cope. And how little energy you have to cope with the little things, because you are constantly coping with so much already. Been there, still there, thinking that nearly everyone would be better off without me. I know my DC wouldn't because all they've got is me and H and I know he'd F* them up if left in sole charge. He can't cope with them. Something to hang on to maybe.

Hi. I just wanted to return to this thread after a break from mn for a while.
Thank you again to every who was sympathetic and offered advice.
The past couple of weeks have been awful with two unexpected deaths in our close circle of friends (car accident and suicide). I am still trying to drink less and limiting to 1 large glass of wine each evening.
I have also started reading a self help book about complex ptsd which I had never considered before it was suggested on this thread. I suppose I had minimised the abuse I suffered but it seems that is not unusual.
Luna thank you for your comment. I do sometimes think that the dc would be better off without me but then if I leave all the childcare to dh for a couple of days then the dc really suffer, so although I’m a crap mum I’m probably better than no mum for them.
Thanks again to everyone who helped xx

Oh, @CuckooCuckooClock well done on the drinking.I’m impressed.

Sorry you’ve had such a horrible time. The CPTSD thing was like a lightbulb to me as it explained so much (once I’d stopped minimising everything!)

Onwards and upwards! 💪

It's a chicken and egg situation. Alcohol can actually cause anxiety. There are loads of books that can help if that's your thing and learning about alcohol can help. I'd recommend 'Drink - The New Science of Alcohol and Your Health' by Professor David Nutt. If you are thinking of cutting back take a look at this one.

You are not alone and change is possible.

www.amazon.co.uk/s?ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_18&crid=25GJG93KSZXCU&sprefix=Alcohol+reconsider%2Caps%2C157&k=alcohol+reconsidered+book&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I also had/have complex PTSD from my childhood and I struggled with drinking too much too. I have suffered massively from anxiety for all my adult life, but one simple technique suggested by a counsellor has really helped me with it. Slightly ashamed to admit I dismissed the idea originally as a bit hippy for me! But it really has helped. When I feel overwhelmed, panicky etc I have to repeat an affirmation that acknowledges the past, but reframes the present. Something like 'I was scared and alone then, and now I am safe.' Apparently, the 'and' bit is important. Doing this creates new neural pathways so that the body and mind slowly learn to react differently to situations. Repetition is key! With my anxiety a bit more under control I have been able to work on the drinking. Good luck.