The Freedom Thread; for those embracing a life without alcohol.

[Drybird2020]

Welcome to the 7th thread in this series, which has helped me and many others find the way to a life free of and free from alcohol.

Anyone is welcome! Newbies, you will find emotional support, tips for handling cravings, strategies for handling social occasions and plenty of first-hand experiences to mirror your own. An alcohol problem makes you feel lonely and isolated, but you are not alone.

Please be aware that this is an abstinence thread – it can be difficult and triggering in the early stages to be around alcohol related chat (however, it might help to know that one of the gifts of long-term sobriety is not being at all bothered by people drinking or talking about drinking in your presence!) So, if you feel that moderation is for you, or if you feel you need to cut down before stopping, there are other threads in Alcohol Support that can help, or you can start one for the specific support you need.

Oldies, come and share milestones, enjoy the chat, and pay forward the kindness and non-judgemental support we have all benefitted from. And when you have the time, do yourselves a favour by finding where you started and reading through all your posts, it will show you how far you have come and what you have achieved! (I'll add links to previous threads in my next post).

Evening all & well done to 1 yearers.

Am feeling positive again and the next few days hold no worries for me - weekdays are easy as am busy with work and have lots to fill my mind. But the weekends mean the double whammy of feeling like a treat and having time to dwell on uncomfortable thoughts that have me reaching for something to make myself feel better.

Just wondering if this gets better with time - alcohol definitely makes me feel more anxious/ miserable.

viviank It does get better. You will find soon enough that you'll have other (maybe new) things to fill your weekends with.
I found that I started feeling a bit more present at home, with my family etc and when I stopped drinking I found I wasn't at the beck and call of the wine, or thinking about it, anymore and could come and go as I pleased. Even if it was driving to the supermarket at night or going for a walk first thing in the morning.
It's hard to describe, but I think by about week 4, I wasn't factoring alcohol or thinking about alcohol, into my plans anymore. Whereas, before, my husband or dc would suggest going somewhere and I'd be thinking to myself oh no that's when I 'm going to be having a drink, or my husband would say oh I didn't think you'd want to do xyz as you'll be having a drink then Like, I thought or planned about drinking all the time, especially towards the weekend. Over time it's just so freeing not having to do that or live like that anymore.
Walking and exercise, getting into a routine with walking particularly, helped me on those early days.

Thanks everyone

Walking and exercise are absolutely key, vivian like @100PercentMe says. They help with sleep.as well as providing a positive alternative to drinking.
Activities that keep your hands busy will help -someone on here took up crochet, another painting, and I spent a whole evening in the early days polishing my silver jewellery. I read a great deal and love my kindle. Also gardening. Cravings last a matter of minutes (did someone say 7? That seems familiar) so if you can distract yourself for that long , you get through. If in doubt, clean the bathroom.
Change your routine, eat early, get to bed early. Eat lots of sugar, you can phase it out later and it does help.
It absolutely does get easier, the first bit is the worst. Go easy on yourself and treat yourself like an over tired toddler in need of clear boundaries and loving nurture.

Hello to the new starters.
Take your B vitamins.

@VivianK it does get better!!! I’m now almost 15 months in and whereas alcohol very much used to be a coping mechanism for dealing with tricky feelings, I rarely now feel like drinking to cope with shit. Don’t get me wrong, I still have some bad coping mechanisms (as well as some good ones!), and I do still reach for those sometimes, but the longer you don’t drink the less it feels like an “option” when you feel like shit. Alcohol in many ways is simply a habit, and being alcohol free is about breaking that habit. Time helps a lot with that. And finding different coping mechanisms helps too. Whenever I do feel like reaching for a glass of wine, it is a very fleeting feeling, and I quickly tell myself it just isn’t an option. I know it would only make me feel worse.

For example, I always used to feel like a glass of wine in the early evening just to cope with children’s dinner times and bed times. Now because I haven’t drunk for so long, that association is simply gone. I haven’t done anything amazing to make it go away, it was just time passing. I rarely think when 5pm rolls around “ohhh wine time”. It will get easier, you just have to hang in there and trust that time heals, and time makes associations fade away. Keep going!

I haven't caught up yet but I have come to report that I cracked yesterday and had a glass of champagne.
Argh. So annoyed with myself.
I was invited at the last minute to go to Wimbledon, DH was taking clients and one dropped out in the morning. So rather than wasting the ticket, I went. It included lunch and afternoon tea - I navigated lunch, avoided the pimms being foisted on us as we headed to the court but at the afternoon tea the champagne was just plonked in front of me and without even thinking I drank it. It was like an automatic reaction.
I feel like a big fat failure now. 37 days.

I mean, I would love to report that it was horrible but it was delicious and I could see myself slipping back,

But I won't it was a one off slip up and I am back on it.

I know moderation won't work for me after my reaction to that one glass.

DH thinks I should take comfort from the fact I just had the one glass, it was free flowing (and free) but I drank a small glass only.

@Adventuresat40 37 days is amazing, I would put the mistake behind me and keep going.

Ps we tend to avoid talk about drinking (especially referring to glasses of champagne as “delicious”😝) on this thread as it might be triggering for some. Hope you don’t mind me saying that, and it’s not a big deal, just a friendly reminder to people new to the thread.

@BunniesBunniesBunnies sorry, I was trying to get across the point that I would never be able to be a moderate drinker.

No worries @Adventuresat40, I totally get what you mean. Moderation is a bit of a sore point for me as I can’t seem to moderate in any aspect of my life (not just booze but also work, food, exercise, everything basically!). Since quitting drinking I try to embrace this part of myself (after all it can be fun and productive!) but occasionally I still curse myself for not being able to moderate like a normal person😝

Hi, I've been a bit absent as I continue to struggle in a very low-key way - but today is my 3 monthversary, so I thought I'd say hello.

I think my main problem is that alcohol filled a gap for me that most other people fill with friends and family. I was never the greatest at making friends, but then my DH and I travelled all over the world, and made new friends in each new port, but left others behind each time. Many of them were just expat drinking buddies anyway. We moved to a new village where we knew no one 7 years ago, and I started working from home.

Since then, the drink and chat when DH came back from his long commute has been my main social activity - it filled a massive void and helped me feel less lonely after each day alone.

Now we try the same chat without the booze, but it's not the same. We run out of things to say. Probably we were spouting repetitive drunken bollocks before, but it cheered me up!

I'm rambling and don't know where I'm going with this. Is anyone out there in a similar position, or am I the only one who needs alcohol as a friend?

Thank you all so much for your advice last night.
Sorry to say that I had some wine after all.

I think I need to research more about what to expect, come up with some good coping mechanisms, and will read this entire thread to get that.

cardigan First of all well done on your 3 whole months! Brilliant!
To be honest, I can be your friend here as that was me too 😬 I can identify with what you said. I also still struggle to find much to chat to DH about sometimes too but I think that's just how it is. If anything the alcohol reduced that much further.
Give yourself time, I have met more people through dc new hobby (that I couldn't have made time for while drinking) and while they are not 'friends' they give me someone else to talk to and something else to talk about to DH.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself a bit more time, even doing things for yourself like exercise / out for a walk or run etc gives you time and space to sort of get to know yourself/ be comfortable with yourself - I really didn't mean that to sound twee or cheesy

PS am not an interloper on the thread- just a slight name change fail

Just thought I would share my Sobertime app's inspirational quote from today in case it helps anyone:

Life's greatest accomplishments are those that at first seem impossible.

@CardiganOfDoom, I might well be wrong but have you considered it’s not the booze which has affected your conversation with DH but rather the pandemic? I didn’t find quitting booze stopped me from having fun with my husband, but after 18 months of being on top of eachother we also run out of things to say to eachother now and again😂😂😂 I really miss normal levels of social interaction with colleagues and friends and my husband and I frequently jest how bored we are of one another😂😂😂

I’m 200 days today apparently.
It definitely gets easier everyone who’s wondering. I really don’t think about it now. Only very occasionally do I think I fancy something - this weekend when friend announced divorce, on holiday last month, and Xmas day. Three times when I could have slipped. That’s pretty amazing.
The moderation discussion is interesting as there’s no chance for me. But if you do slip up then think why, don’t beat yourself up but consider what you could have done differently. The reason I didn’t slip those 3 times despite coming very close was because there were AF alternatives, I was with family (daughters and DH) who I would feel I was letting down (plus myself). I’m also aware of the reasons I was tempted. Thinking those through definitely helped me.

Well done to everyone who is clocking up the days on their sober clocks!
I don't know how many days I am, I don't count, I want to get away from thinking about the dry days because that links in my head to thinking about drinking, and I want to be free of that (sounds weird but it kind of works for me). Anyway my last drink was 31st April, so I'm a relative newbie to all this.
If you've slipped, just write it off, don't dwell on it, and just start again. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. We've beaten ourselves up enough, haven't we? We're doing something amazing here. Think of it like a diet, you stick to your calories and healthy stuff for a few days/weeks, then inevitably you slip, have cake, crisps, whatever. Then you have a choice - you either think you've buggered it all up, so go back to eating too much rubbish, or you write it off as one of those things, and get back to plan. Annie Grace talks a lot about slip ups being an inevitable part of recovery, and learning from them, examining them. There's loads of good clips of her on You Tube. There is no one way out for us from this addiction, we are all individual with our own triggers, etc. We all find our own way. Taking one day at a time works for me, not thinking ahead, worrying about events that haven't happened yet - I just focus on putting a sober head on the pillow every night. Then I get up and do it all afresh. Having this place to talk to people who get it is invaluable for me, I have learnt a lot, and often nodded along, even when I haven't posted.
Take care all
Soph

Sorry if this isn't the right thread to post a question. My sister has been sober for 9 months after a really difficult few years. Now lockdown is coming to an end she really wants to meet up with other women who are in recovery on an informal/friendship basis. Do any of you know how she could connect with people similar in the Newcastle/Tyneside area ? She doesn't feel that AA meetings are for her. I've looked online but can't find anything that isn't connected to AA or other formal organisations. I live miles away so can't get to see her much and think that this type of meet up would really help her.

Someone here got me on to the Rachel Hart podcast, look it up Vivienne K, you'll be doing yourself no favours blowing the one glass out of proportion, the whole point of this exercise is that you don't want to drink anymore and that glass just reinforced the fact that you don't want to. It's bound to have the same appeal 37 days in, I had a couple of sips 7 months in and it just fastened my decision I didn't want more. I was proud of myself. I'm not interested in re-setting a clock or anything like that as I'm proud of myself for just truckin' on with this and feeling the best version of myself as I can be right now. It's a learning curve, keep going.

Zero alcohol is the foundation of this thread but perfectionism in reaching that is the enemy, there's been the odd slip here and those who experienced it often got back on the horse stronger.

Remember the toolbox. I'm trying to cut down on sugar right now and my week 1 toolbox is a page turner of a book and going to bed earlier. It's working really well as I've cut out the sitting on the couch watching TV association with sugar. I did the same with alcohol and it's worked great. Build up your toolbox, try some journaling, try to figure out what the glass of wine was giving you and really dig into it. Try see past your brain being simply addicted to a substance that it keeps tricking you into thinking it needs.

I was out for a walk with a friend recently and she said as you still off the wine. I said yes and she was saying but you didn't drink a lot and I said well it was a habit and I did have wine a few times a week and now I just like not thinking about it, zero is easier than 90% of the time. She said 'I just don't have that, I don't think about it really, I just enjoy it. Its not something that's in my head like that'. I felt a bit silly then as we were walking like my head is the problem not the addictive substance. The person would be a very close friend and a very good person but someone who regularly on nights out say WHY are you not drinking? You don't even drink a lot. It's part of society that can't just leave someone alone with their decision and respect that.

@SophieB100 so true

cartooner i had a friend similar. For one I don't think she saw the extent I drank. She used to drink more then had gone to very little. She can take it or leave it. But she does have a coke habit (coca-cola). She drinks or drank masses of the stuff. And she can't have it in the house, it is her absolute downfall in her words. I explained that I was the same with booze. Even though over the years I'm not as bad as I used to be, it causes an issue on my head. Whereas I can have a fizzy drink now and again and I don't even think about it. We agreed that it is in the head. And if something is an issue for you in your head then you have to deal with it in way that works. So, for her, she has no fizzy drinks in the house, for me, I don't drink at all. Whatever works.

Another little win - I had to fill in a medical form today and ticking the NO box when asked if I drink was a real high five to myself moment. I used to smoke years ago and don't think twice about ticking no to that. In fact, I forgot sometimes I was a smoker.mon smoking is just part of my life now. And I kind of felt like that with the drinking question. I didn't feel the need to shout it from the rooftops (apart from here 😁) because it is just part of who I am and the way I live my life.

I have a few medical things going on at the moment and some investigations that might have sent me straight to a bottle before. But I am sitting with it all, noticing some days, my thoughts and worries run away with themselves but for the most part I am okay. Just, dealing with each stage as it comes. I don't feel the need to drown my fears in poison.

breathmiller hope you are ok. And agree just sitting with the feelings is difficult at times but I suppose we have to accept it as the human experience or natural reaction to stresses and we learn to cope, or that it passes, or we get help- other choices apart from alcohol.
But I came on to high five you too for the alcohol box! It's funny that as pp's have said, friends are desperate for us to drink, to normalise their drinking; society/ adverts demand that we drink, that is fine etc...yet the questions about smoking and drinking on health forms for investigations are not there randomly for no reason 😬

Excellent moment there breathmiller!

I had to admit that friend I refer to is someone I tended to not like being with on a night out sometimes as she is great company and it is me and only me that decided what I drank but I'd find her such a bad influence on me, she'd order more drinks/another bottle without asking, she'd top up your wine and I rememebr once having small kids and on mat leave and being a bit down and my friends took me out to cheer me up and I was so exhausted I said I shouldn't drink a third glass I haven't drank in a year, if the baby wakes and they really said just relax, you're out for a break for a few hours.... and I ended up with the worst hangover of my life that time, three glasses of cheap wine and I was vomitting, couldn't get out of bed the next day and it felt like my friends provided me with the exact opposite to what I needed that time. Society... hasn't a clue.

I hope your medical investigations go ok x