Drinking WAY too much and need to detox - any shared experiences?

[TimeToStop]

I'm a daily drinker and have been for absolutely years. Since the start of lockdown 1 I've gone from drinking around half a bottle of wine or a couple of beers a day to now drinking 1/4 bottle of spirits, a bottle of wine and maybe also a few beers. Because I drink all the time, I don't get drunk any more, it's a steady drip feed of alcohol through the day. My sleep is appalling; up around 4/5 am after 3 hours sleep and then I need to have my first drink to steady the withdrawal.

I'm supposed to be working from home but I'm really beginning to fail in that and I am desperate to stop. I stopped in February 2019 for 3 months - it was sort of enforced as I was very unwell and in hospital for 3 weeks with an ovarian abscess. I felt so much better. Since then it crept up from a beer at the end of the day to where I am now.

I've spoken to my GP and been put in contact with my local drug and alcohol service as I'm drinking too much to safely stop on my own now. I'm scheduled to do a community detox on February 8th and I wondered if anybody here has done this and what it's like? I'm so nervous about it.

Morning! Onto the second week @TimeToStop.... how are you feeling? Can you notice any other positives? Do you want to write about the more wretched moments here so you have a log of the feelings? X

I've been so touched by the kindness and support from everyone on this thread, not sure where to start really but thank you all so much. I think back to this time last Monday, I was at the detox centre, dry-heaving, shaking, crying, desperate for them to give me the first dose of medication. This week, I'm about to start work with a coffee and a mint humbug. I'm still getting a lot of headaches but I'm wondering how much a lot of that is also the medication leaving my body now as I had the last, very small, dose last night.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to go into all the absolute horrors of the most wretched moments just yet but I will NEVER forget the endless Groundhog Day mornings at 4am sitting in a freezing cold home office, drinking whisky and Diet Coke and literally shaking all over with withdrawal feelings and having my head in my hands with the most awful feeling of being trapped and unable to face the day ahead.

There was a bit of a 'scene' with my teenage daughter yesterday evening; normally anything like that and I'd be racing for a bottle of anything and swigging it madly to 'help' me deal with it and my stress levels would sky rocket in an instant. I didn't do any of that and I was really calm and diffused the situation quite easily and we ended with a big hug and a good chat. That's definitely one of the illusions about alcohol that it 'helps' you deal with stress. No way, it makes your stress so much worse. I think I sort of already knew that, but it was another excuse to drink and to justify it.

You are doing fantastic girl, and believe me Ive been there...
keep going and stay strong....The worst part is over now, sitting down to write this thread, going to detox
never under estimate your bravery and courage.
You're Brilliant

Amazing stuff !

You have felt the worst you will ever feel during this particular journey and you have survived it.

Have you got others to speak to who have been through similar? Shared experiences will be a great help.

Selfishly I hope you also update here whenever you feel able .

Absolutely OP! It's crazy how we become convinced we need alcohol to cope with stress, but in reality, drinking makes it impossible to cope. It sounds like you handled the situation with your daughter beautifully. Well done!
The 4am groundhog day is so familiar. I dreamt last night i was back there myself. Woke up so relieved!
I am so thankful to be where i am on my journey further and further away from alcohol and to have had the support I've had. I hate the thought of anyone else struggling with that same pain. It's music to my ears to hear how far you have come and how it's all beginning to fall into place in your mind. You're a wee wonderwoman! Just keep on keeping on. You so deserve the brighter times ahead of you! X

So good to read this. Such massive progress in one week. So fantastic.

Blimey, you lot are kind! Maybe you sort of have to reach an absolute rock bottom where you know it's becoming really like life or death to stop convincing yourself that you can carry on like you are doing?

I had it written in my desk diary (old school, I know) "PHONE GP" for months. And I never did it until one afternoon when I felt so utterly AWFUL, the absolute pits. And I was so lucky that I got to speak to a female GP who was just brilliant. She listened and put into action an immediate call to the drug and alcohol services, fast-tracked me for a blood test to see if I was well enough liver-wise to manage the medication and moved things rapidly. Also the guy at the detox centre was just so lovely - gentle, non-judgmental, talked about his own experience. So I feel very lucky to have got to the right people at the right time.

Just read through this thread and wanted to say well done and keep it up. Your strength will be an inspiration for your DD in years to come.

I'm finding this thread really moving and quite inspirational. @TimeToStop you have clearly touched something within many of us. I love the collective strength and support that's on here, but most of all Op, I'm so happy that you are making such incredible progress.

I know, when I started the thread, I was feeling so utterly down and ashamed of myself and I imagined a load of people saying things like, "What sort of example are you to your daughter?" Or being condemning and I've been really surprised at how non-judgmental everyone has been.

I also know that I'm very far from out of the woods, so to speak, I'm quite jittery and unfocused but I'm totally sober and determined to stay that way. I need to re-learn how to do things now as it's been so long. There are some things I feel frightened to do, like go out anywhere near a shop as if I'll be pulled into it magnetically or something. I'm longing to go to the park as it's a beautiful day here but I haven't sat in the park without a half bottle of whisky for longer than I can remember so I don't know how to do it yet. It sounds daft, doesn't it? I think I'm just going to keep taking things very slowly and not doing anything until I feel strong enough to do it.

Definitely take things slow. Stay within your comfort zone for as long as you need to. You are retiring years of habit and it can take time. Have you thought about some of the aftercare pps have suggested. If not aa then something else. There is strength to be found in groups like this for sure. And therapy in talking about your experiences with other people x

Yes, I'm sitting in on some AA meetings and there's a post-detox weekly Zoom that I'm hoping to join in with from next week.

just popped in to say ive read the whole thread and its really inspiring, the support, the journey so far and @TimeToStop your honesty and strength.

No, none of it sounds daft, OP. You hit the nail on the head- you feel like you literally don't know how to do things without drink. And you're right to steer clear of your "danger zones" like the shops and park, until you feel strong enough. When that time comes, you will be able to learn how to do those things sober and form new habits. It will be freeing for you, doing things your own way instead of alcohol being the boss of you! It's wonderful when you get to the stage where you stop being afraid of yourself and what you will do.
I think you're right that many people do need to hit their own rock bottom before taking action. For some people that means losing everything. For others maybe it's rock bottom enough to catch a glimpse of what you are close to losing. I think you've had the foresight to be one of the latter. You got close enough to the edge of the cliff that you could see the rocks at the bottom. You know you don't need to go there again. X

How're things today @TimeToStop? Hope you're remembering to be kind to yourself. This is a truly momentous and life enhancing journey you're on. Think of how strong you have been to get to this point.

Hello all you lovely kind people. I'm still hanging in. This evening has been REALLY hard, not sure why but I've hit the humbugs hard. It may be because I had a Zoom with my neighbours and we always usually have a drink and they still did. I had my glass of ginger beer (non-alcoholic) and the reality of NEVER drinking again hit me quite hard. However, I did manage a short walk to the park this morning, like dashed there and back and felt quite surreal, but I still did it. Love to you all xxx

Well done on the walk, and almost another day ticked off. The zoom call must have been a challenge too. No wonder it felt like a hard day. Imagine doing all of that a week ago?

Well done for surviving the park trip! See, you're stronger than you realised.
Oh the Zoom sounds tough! You don't really want to be starting at someone else having a drink at this stage. Do your neighbours know you're not drinking?
As for never drinking again, i guess you have to try and see that as a liberation rather than a life sentence. You never have to be at the mercy of alcohol again. You never have to have a hangover, embarrass yourself, have that alcoholic anxiety and guilt, suffer withdrawals at 4am, ruin your liver, feel like you can't cope with anything, etc, etc, etc. It's so hard not to feel some sense of loss at the beginning, but just try your best to focus on what you will gain.

I meant staring at someone else.... not starting!

Yes, agree with jcb on this, you have been liberated, you never have to feel shit again after drinking, or guilty, or anxious. This is a good thing, honestly. You’ve been amazing. I can’t believe how strong you have been. Ticking off milestones all the time. X x

Fantastic, you are doing so well @TimeToStop

Keep going! I also had a craving for a glass of wine last night, I was so happy with myself this morning when I woke up.

I am highlighting my hair this weekend... fingers crossed it is ok (couldn't look worse) I am in lockdown in a small town in Spain, can't travel to the hairdresser in nearby big town and I loathe going anyway.

Done my nails. Need to shave my legs. Bit by bit I am trying to look better, concentrating on that, and it's working, slowly but surely. I have neglected myself for too long!

Much strength to you x

I'm very glad that I didn't have a drink last night too although annoyingly I woke up today with a shocking headache, like a bloody hangover! But nothing like the horrible withdrawal mornings I was having before. And yes, definitely keeping the thought that I'm liberated from alcohol rather than denying myself something. Some people can enjoy a drink as a social thing or occasional thing and I do wish I was one of them in a way, but I'm not and I never will be.

Good morning op. I hope you don't mind but I just wanted to post and say well done. I really don't mean it in a patronising way but it's hard to find the correct words.

I am the child of an alcoholic that didn't stop. He died an alcoholic. What you are saying to your family right now is that they matter , you are taking the time to fight and take a long hard look at yourself and they will appreciate this. They will appreciate having their family member fully present and well.

I admire you and wish you well.

Well done OP, you are doing amazingly.

My father was an alcoholic too although he stayed sober from when I was 4 until I was 15 as my mum said she would leave him if he carried on drinking. He drank very heavily from my age of 15-19 when he became ill from it and stopped and spent a lot of years working directly for AA until he died. I remember how horrible it was seeing him drunk and how many ruined birthday parties and general every day things were ruined by it. I have never drunk like he did - he was openly knocking it back until he passed out. I've been much more secretive, held down a responsible job, been involved in dd's school, been a Sunday school teacher at one point and nobody has ever noticed or commented. At things like Christmas parties I barely drank because I'd been steadily drinking all day, so generally people thought I was 'sensible.' It's so ironic really. My two best friends, for years, I confessed to just before the detox and they could hardly take it in, as in, "are you really sure you drink too much?" When I told them how much, I'm not sure they believed me. But I'd got to the point that I needed that little drip feed of alcohol through the day to be 'normal' and so I seemed normal. But if they'd seen me at 4am in the morning, desperately getting to the morning 'normal' they'd have been shocked.