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Alcohol support

Caught sneaky drinking

63 replies

Joder · 19/11/2020 19:52

My husband works outside most nights so when he does, I crack open a bottle of wine. I haven’t been bad lately, sticking to weekends only.
I made a mistake tonight and started before he came home.
He knew I had been drinking and went apeshit. Telling our 8 year old how I was a disgrace and drunk, I was absolutely raging. I would never torment our child with adult problems!!
The thing is, I have always drank this way. He works for himself and would often go out to work late in the evenings so when the kids are in bed, I’d open a bottle. Not always, and he never knew.
And can I just say, I was never totally out of it that I couldn’t care for my kids, wine doesn’t effect me that way. Two bottles, now that’s a different story! But it just never happens!
So lately, during lockdown. I’ve been wfh and starting about 5pm, again not every night but the odd time he notices, he thinks I’m a complete alcoholic.
The thing is I’ve always drank this way and he’s just never known because he isn’t here. I can’t get that through to him lately though.
He is a complete tee totaler, work-aholic. Even without lock down he won’t socialise or go out anywhere with me. I lead a complete single life when I am able to socialise.
He is completely boring, we have both agreed on this one. It’s no excuse for me to drink but I do admit to being bored shitless a lot of the time. Wine makes me chatty, so I ‘chat’ online with all my friends and I don’t feel so lonely.
Sorry for long post, I’m so frustrated 😡

OP posts:
Hohofortherobbers · 19/11/2020 21:14

Why is your drinking a secret if its not a problem? Does he not notice the empties?

Coriandersucks · 19/11/2020 21:15

You sound drunk

LividLaughLurve · 19/11/2020 21:17

You sound like my ex-husband.

He died of alcoholism.

flametrees · 19/11/2020 21:20

It's a problem to start drinking at 5 in the evening

AnyFucker · 19/11/2020 21:21

You have a problem with alcohol

nimbuscloud · 19/11/2020 21:26

You have a problem with alcohol

Have you ever sought help?

Ragwort · 19/11/2020 21:27

How much had you drunk ... a couple of glasses ? I wouldn't see that as a problem assuming you aren't driving

MrsGrindah · 19/11/2020 21:29

@flametrees What a silly comment. A person can have one drink at 5pm. That doesn’t make it a problem. OPs circumstances are completely different

flametrees · 19/11/2020 22:00

She didn't have one drink at 5. She started drinking at five which in my opinion is problematic.
If you think it's ok to start drinking at 5 in the evening when minding a child on your own then that's your opinion.

Mum2jenny · 19/11/2020 22:07

Depends how much you are drinking. A couple of glasses not a problem. A couple of bottles is a big problem. In between it does depend on frequency and why you are drinking. Only you know the real answer.

And I talk as a person who can drink too much after a bad day at work. But I do know I can stop drinking I I need to.

Lisa78Lemon · 19/11/2020 22:09

If you have a child at home & you're the only adult, you need to stay sober. What if you had to drive somewhere urgently? What if they had a serious accident?
5pm isn't with dinner so seems very early for a week day.
Is it possible you do have a problem but don't feel comfortable admitting it?

Mum2jenny · 19/11/2020 22:13

lisa78lemon plenty of ppl do not drive, so you cannot use that as a reason to not drink alcohol.

Hiccupiscal · 19/11/2020 22:20

You've not got a drink problem.
You have a relationship problem.
Neither of you are compatible, clearly.
You are lonely and becoming resentful
He is admitting to be neglectful of your needs and dressing it up as being "straight and boring"
Very wrong to put issues onto your daughter.

The problem here isn't the alcohol. Its the relationship.

LizzieMacQueen · 19/11/2020 22:23

I think you are drinking to mask your unhappiness in your marriage 😟. Time to make a break up plan.

Hiccupiscal · 19/11/2020 22:25

Also PP, its not a secret, is it, OP has said he's never noticed as he not been at home to know ops routine.
She can't have been actaully secretly drinking, as now DH knows?
5pm isn't early to start drinking, its after work, plenty of people do drink around the the 5pm onwards mark, sometimes earlier.
I know my DP finishes work between 3pm - 4pm on autum/winter night and could easily be having a couple of drinks in the pub anytime after 3pm.

A long time ago I worked nightshifts, occasionally you could find my colleagues and I having a couple with breakfast in a spoons! Our working day was over and we would drink like some would do after work on an evening.

I personally read OP post as more of a relationship problem than a drinking problem.

dazzlinghaze · 19/11/2020 22:29

Agree with PP who said you sound totally unhappy in your relationship. And very lonely. I'd focus on that issue first.

Joder · 20/11/2020 08:11

Thank you for your honest replies.
Just to add, he works in our garden so I'm not 'on my own' as such when it comes to childcare.
My son is usually in bed when I open a botlle. It never goes beyone one bottle but I do admit this is too much.
I am feeling really lonely. I like the feeling wine gives me, it makes me 'happy' and I love to chat with friends when I've had a few. Only because I have no one else to talk to. We live in the country so I really am alone at night time.

OP posts:
Glitterandunicorns · 20/11/2020 08:25

Hi OP. I'm sorry, but if you're starting drinking at five o'clock when you have a child, that is problem drinking right there. Why can't you wait until they've gone to bed? Unless it's a special occasion. Eg Christmas Day, I don't think it's ever appropriate to be drinking before your child has gone to bed.
There's going to come a point where life is somewhat normal again and your child can have play dates and friends over for tea. If you wouldn't drink like that in front of others, then you know you have a problem. You're making out like it's cool because you've always done it, but that makes no difference if he hasn't been there to see it.
Even the way you talk about alcohol suggests to me that you have a problem.

The issue with your relationship is completely separate to this. It sounds like you aren't happy, but that is a separate issue to your drinking. Please, seek help for the sake of your child. Your husband shouldn't have said what he did to your child, but I can understand why he did.

Glitterandunicorns · 20/11/2020 08:27

Also, you seem to contradict yourself in when you start drinking. On one hand, you say that since lockdown and wfh, you start at 5pm, but then later you don't open your wine until the kids are in bed.
I think you need to be honest with yourself about how much you're drinking, when you're starting and how it affects you. Your kid/s don't need to see you drunk (or even tipsy). The chances are high that you're affected more than you think you are.

Joder · 20/11/2020 08:29

thanks glitterandunicorns,
You're absolutely right.
I don't drink before my children are in bed, last night was a once off. I'm feeling very ashamed this morning though and I know I need to address my drinking. It's not normal :(

OP posts:
Amazinggrace44 · 20/11/2020 08:33

Attitudes surrounding booze are absolutely bonkers on MN. The op has a bottle of wine at the weekend and suddenly she's an alcoholic?! I get that alcoholism isn't always vodka on your cornflakes but the term is banded around far too much on here.

She isn't secretly drinking either. Her husband just doesn't notice because he's never usually there.

Op I'm not sure what you want from this post. Your husband was totally wrong to start slagging you off to your 8 year old. Horrible of him to do that. FWIW I often have a bottle of wine at the weekend when the kids are in bed. And maybe a few glasses during the week. It's not a big deal.

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2020 08:37

Your post was confused, you start by saying you only drink at weekends then move to drinking nearly every day, I’m guessing you were drunk when you wrote it?

You say in your op you start about five, them say it was a one off. There is no way your eight year old child is in bed by five, are they?

How much do you honestly drink? If you can’t even be honest with yourself, then you do have a significant problem. Lying and covering it up has become second nature to you.

flametrees · 20/11/2020 08:40

It's a problem if you feel you were caught drinking.
It's a problem if you feel bad this morning.
Might not be drinking too much but if it makes you feel like you are doing something wrong then you need to address it.
If that's stopping or telling your Dh you can drink if you want to only you can decide. But you shouldn't be feeling bad.

Joder · 20/11/2020 08:48

Thanks @Amazinggrace44 :) I feel too the words gets thrown around far too much on MN. I'm certainly not an alcoholic!

OP posts:
Glitterandunicorns · 20/11/2020 08:53

Hi @Joder don't worry about labelling your drinking. It's not helpful.
You've said that you want to address your drinking, and that is fantastic. It's really positive that you recognise that you're not comfortable with your drinking and that you're able to vocalise that along with your desire to do something about it.
Can you stop drinking completely for a few weeks and reassess? Alternatively, there are support groups out there (including one on Mumsnet) for people who want to cut down or stop drinking.

Best of luck, OP.

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