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Alcohol support

Caught sneaky drinking

63 replies

Joder · 19/11/2020 19:52

My husband works outside most nights so when he does, I crack open a bottle of wine. I haven’t been bad lately, sticking to weekends only.
I made a mistake tonight and started before he came home.
He knew I had been drinking and went apeshit. Telling our 8 year old how I was a disgrace and drunk, I was absolutely raging. I would never torment our child with adult problems!!
The thing is, I have always drank this way. He works for himself and would often go out to work late in the evenings so when the kids are in bed, I’d open a bottle. Not always, and he never knew.
And can I just say, I was never totally out of it that I couldn’t care for my kids, wine doesn’t effect me that way. Two bottles, now that’s a different story! But it just never happens!
So lately, during lockdown. I’ve been wfh and starting about 5pm, again not every night but the odd time he notices, he thinks I’m a complete alcoholic.
The thing is I’ve always drank this way and he’s just never known because he isn’t here. I can’t get that through to him lately though.
He is a complete tee totaler, work-aholic. Even without lock down he won’t socialise or go out anywhere with me. I lead a complete single life when I am able to socialise.
He is completely boring, we have both agreed on this one. It’s no excuse for me to drink but I do admit to being bored shitless a lot of the time. Wine makes me chatty, so I ‘chat’ online with all my friends and I don’t feel so lonely.
Sorry for long post, I’m so frustrated 😡

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 20/11/2020 09:10

I agree with others; be honest with yourself. Put your anger and defensiveness aside.
Your Op is quite contradictory so it's hard to work out your drinking habits.

That said, a few things stand out;
your title "sneaky drinking"
You "absolutely raging" when your dh accused you of being drunk,
Your reasons for drinking (lonely, bored, unhappy) leading to using alcohol as a crutch/self medicating
And labelling your dh "boring" because he doesn't like drinking.

I understand and have been a master of self delusion and denial myself where addiction is concerned! Just be aware of an unhealthy reliance on alcohol.

As a former addict said to me: Be careful what you practice, because practice makes perfect.
You don't want to end up with a habit.

nimbuscloud · 20/11/2020 09:10

You admit your drinking is a problem and that you need to address it. That’s a very positive step.
How much do you drink and how frequently?

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2020 09:17

I think that’s it. You need to be honest about how much you are drinking in reality, only then can you address it. Your op indicates that it’s a lot more than a bottle at the weekend. And that last night was not a one off. But it is hard to tell as it’s so confused.

Oblomov20 · 20/11/2020 09:41

Whilst OP clearly needs help, I disagree with most of the posts on here.

Drinking at 5pm is no different to drinking at any other time of the day.

And I totally disagree with this:
"If you have a child at home & you're the only adult, you need to stay sober."
Utter rubbish.

3rdNamechange · 20/11/2020 09:58

One bottle a night is too much.

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2020 11:14

Drinking at 5pm is no different to drinking at any other time of the day.

Of course it is. It can indicate you can’t wait and need it, it gives you longer to drink. It means your drinking through bed times or dinner making

There is a huge difference between starting drinking at four or five pm. And having a glass of wine at nine o clock when the kids are in bed

flametrees · 20/11/2020 11:45

@Bluntness100
Agree completely.
The language in the OP thread indicates problem drinking.

Hohofortherobbers · 20/11/2020 14:00

If dh hasn't noticed it must be that the booze is hidden and then empties are disposed of otherwise surely he'd notice bottle of wine was there, now isn't or is almost empty. Ops behaviour sounds like she's covering it up, suggesting it's a problem, a drinker without a problem wouldn't care about hiding this behaviour

MrsGrindah · 20/11/2020 18:50

@flametrees Yes you are right , my opinion is my opinion! I had a glass of wine today at 5pm. But context is everything. It’s my only glass and I don’t have young kids etc. But sweeping statements about the timing of having a drink is pointless. The OPs posts show it is clearly a problem for far more reasons than drinking at 5 pm.

flametrees · 20/11/2020 19:04

@MrsGrindah
Not sure why you are being so defensive.
I wasn't commenting on your drinking patterns.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/11/2020 19:11

And I totally disagree with this:
"If you have a child at home & you're the only adult, you need to stay sober."
Utter rubbish.

What? @Oblomov20

How can you disagree with this? It's ok to me drunk looking after a dependent child? 😳

OP's posts are so self-contradictory plus her feelings of shame around drinking, indicates there is a problem.

Time to look for help OP.

MrsGrindah · 20/11/2020 22:12

I’m not being defensive,just responding to your post directed to me

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2020 22:46

I think it’s clear the op doesn’t wish to engage in the discussion, she’s not there yet and she posted last night when drunk.

OverTheRubicon · 20/11/2020 22:56
  • You're drinking a bottle of wine by yourself - you say it doesn't affect you, but he noticed and your writing sounds drunk
  • You say you always did it but he just never knew - but your title calls it 'sneaky' and I would bet hundreds of pounds that you dealt with the bottles so he never saw


  • You say it's only on weekends - but your post was on a Thursday


  • You say that wine doesn't affect you, that you only do it after your kids are in bed - but he noticed you were drunk while your 8 year old was still awake, which was presumably early as you still had time to make a post at 7.52pm


That last one's the kicker. Alcohol has started ruining your DC's childhood, though you clearly don't want to.admit it yet.

You're lying to yourself, you're an alcoholic, and you and your family all need and deserve help.
My family has been here. It only gets worse.
titsaleena · 20/11/2020 23:00

Can I just say, I have a REALLY annoying friend who gets pissed every night and then rings me for long conversations talking absolute waffle, slurring away. Most of the time she doesn't remember the conversation so we get repeats constantly. If you are doing this to your friends, please stop.

flametrees · 21/11/2020 10:14

I have a sister who drunk texts me abusive messages after her wine in the evening.
Never hear from her when she is sober.
So many women particularly think drinking wine is not a big thing. It's a huge thing to start drinking wine at 5 in the evening unless it's a one off celebration or you are on holidays. Especially on your own.

MrsGrindah · 21/11/2020 13:27

@flametrees I’m sorry I just don’t understand why you say that. If we are having wine with dinner my husband and I will have a first glass around 5 whilst we start cooking and then another later. What’s wrong with that? What time should we wait till? Also.. haven’t you heard of the song “ It’s Five O’clock Somehwere?” Grin
Completely accept that it seems OP has a drink problem but I can’t get upset about people in general having a drink at 5 Pm.

OverTheRainbow88 · 21/11/2020 13:31

You say

So lately, during lockdown. I’ve been wfh and starting about 5pm, again not every night but the odd time he notices, he thinks I’m a complete alcoholic.

and then you say I don’t drink before my children are in bed

Do your children go to bed at 5pm?

MikeUniformMike · 21/11/2020 13:36

@Joder, you have a husband/lifestyle problem.

If you had said that you were binge eating you would get more sympathy but I can understand where you are coming from, as I have had days (lots of consecutive ones) where I needed something to blot out the pain.

Stop blaming the drink and look at why you are numbing yourself from.

flametrees · 21/11/2020 13:53

@MrsGrindah
I think we are at cross purposes. You are talking about having a glass of wine at five.
I'm talking about starting to drink wine at five.
Different scenario.
It's clear the OP "started drinking at 5" which is what I've referred to throughout.

OverTheRubicon · 21/11/2020 13:56

@MrsGrindah @flametrees since this thread is actually not about either of you, but about a real human being facing a pretty big life-altering problem, do you think you could stop your very derailing arguement?

Op I am glad you see there's an issue and hope you can get the support you need to address it and to work out whether the issues at home are a cause or a symptom and make changes there too.

MrsGrindah · 21/11/2020 14:00

@OverTheRubicon We are not arguing we are discussing a relevant point about how people can easily slide into drinking . @Flametrees has just clarified what she meant and I had got the wrong end of the stick. Is that ok?

Also I am well aware of all the difficulties of the life altering problem, sadly having had an alcoholic father.

KimchiLaLa · 21/11/2020 14:02

How much are you drinking per week

MikeUniformMike · 21/11/2020 14:03

@Joder, not easy, but try to have an evening off from the booze, because I found that if I did I felt a lot better the next day.

islockdownoveryet · 21/11/2020 14:18

This op sounds very similar to my dm & dd .
My dm likes a drink who doesn't but she can't stop at one or 2 will finish bottle and look for more kinda drunk . But won't do it often say just at weekends but to me that's not responsible to me having a glass of wine at 5pm or 9pm is no different if you stop at 1 or 2 rather than starting at 9pm till early hours or starting at 5pm till late . Going days or weeks without a drink but then getting absolutely shit faced is not responsible in my opinion.
My df is also tea total and hates my dm drinking but actually hates anyone drinking.
They don't have alcohol in the house ever and judges anyone who drinks so my dm hides it .
Do I agree with it , no you should never hide alcohol but she does it because my df hates it .
I think she'd have a more responsible attitude if he was ok with her having the odd drink rather than waiting till he's working and having a binge at weekends.

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