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Original poster

Feeling alone as DP alcoholism hit new low

70 replies

HGSells · 07/08/2020 00:35

I’m just sick of it all, I need to vent on here as no one knows in RL.

He drinks secretively- I can always tell in his eyes but it’s the denial. I’m angry at AA meetings, his mentor from the 12 steps. It’s like he’s doing the changes but still drinking!

I always feel like he is full of remorse in the morning but nasty DH in the evening. Everyone thinks he’s amazing and such a good husband, I’m the one who is often angry, miserable and ungrateful one who is unstable emotionally😖

OP posts:
Worrysaboutalot · 07/08/2020 00:38

I am so sorry you are in this situation. It is not fair on you.

Have you got any support locally.
Have you got anywhere you can go to get a break ?

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 07/08/2020 00:44

You can't heal him. You're not responsible for him. For your own health, physically & mentally, you need to let go of the idea that it's your job to sort him out, put up with him, etc. It's not.

People can say addiction is an illness all they like. I still believe it's a choice. A choice to get treatment, or not. I'm not belittling the struggle. But he's dragging you down too.

LizzieBlackwell · 07/08/2020 00:53

OP have you been to a AA meeting? There are lots of online meetings at the moment and even a 24 hour one that runs continuously. The sponsors actually can’t do anything and they will know he is still drinking.

I could talk to you about what his triggers are ect.. but you actually can’t do anything.
However, he is isn’t ready to quit. His drinking is having a negative effect on his family and most alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they can gather the strength to quit. I’d ask him to leave as your enabling his treatment of you and you have to focus on you and not his problem with alcohol.

Alcohol damages so many people - even the ones that are not drinking. But you can control what happens to you Flowers

LizzieBlackwell · 07/08/2020 00:54

Has he done 90 days of AA meetings? As in going every day or going on line for them ?

rosie1959 · 07/08/2020 00:56

I am so sorry you are going through this
No point in being angry at AA their first step is basically dont drink
Has he been in long hopefully it will sink in we dont all get it at first I know I didnt but he is trying
Alcoholism is not a choice no matter what anyone who has no experience says
I wish you well and I do hope he finally gets there it will be so worth it I have just celebrated 14 years of sobriety so I have experience that it does work

Original poster
HGSells · 07/08/2020 00:56

Thank you, it’s so good to talk on here as I can’t face telling family or friends.

I feel trapped, I’m worried for my kids wellbeing and their future relationships, what if they become like him (both have caught him secretly supping in the spare room where he now sleeps).

I’m scared to leave with kids as nowhere to go, plus financially unconfident as he is the breadwinner.

I would love to get away but no where to go, plus I have no motivation. Just feel trapped in my bedroom when I finish work online.

It’s all such a mess😢

OP posts:
Original poster
HGSells · 07/08/2020 01:01

I’m resentful of AA and his drink sponsor as it seems to have got worse not better. He attends weekly online meetings, he’s been going for just over a month, I think.

This has been going on for years, finally he took the step to join AA but with kids picking up on his alcoholism, it’s scaring me but I feel quite helpless myself, sorry for being so negative. Lockdown is draining me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HGSells · 07/08/2020 01:03

Congratulations on 14 years sobriety rosie, think I’ve a long way to go with DH if I stay with him which my view seems to change daily on.

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Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 07/08/2020 01:05

So sorry you're going thru this....been there, seen it, got the t shirt. How old are your kids? I thought the same about mine....thankfully they're now all grown adults, and not sharing any traits with their Dad. You can't help him....he needs to help himself...and I so wish I could tell you how he can do that, but I can't. From very bitter experience, I can tell you that whilst he has you and his kids, he will carry on drinking, because you're the enabler. Unwittingly, but he has a roof over his head, warmth and food on the table. Until he hasn't got any of that, he'll carry on. He needs to be at very very rock bottom

LizzieBlackwell · 07/08/2020 01:06

Firstly I’d see if he can change sponsor . Sometimes people need a specific kind of character that isn’t going to sugar coat stuff. Also I’d absolutely pin him down to do a meeting every day for 90 days. Some Dina meeting then go on to 247 AA and just listen in or talk too. You don’t have to get a pass code or anything it’s pretty easy to click in. I can find you the link if you want? It’s actually pretty friendly.

You’ve got to draw the line some where though. For you. This can’t go on like this forever can it. At what point do you think - fuck this shit!

LizzieBlackwell · 07/08/2020 01:07

Some people**

LizzieBlackwell · 07/08/2020 01:08

If he don’t do one a day or even log it to the 247 one then you know he isn’t going to commit. And that is you - fuck this shit moment

rosie1959 · 07/08/2020 01:08

AA is exceptionally hard at the moment for the newcomer and even for us that have been around a while nothing can replace face to face meetings on line just isn't the same
If he wants this I suggest he talks to his sponsor and ups the meetings it not unusual to attend every day I still do two or so meetings a week after all these years

LizzieBlackwell · 07/08/2020 01:09

Terrible typos !

Original poster
HGSells · 07/08/2020 01:18

Thank you everybody for your helpful comments, I dared question his sponsor support and he got really defensive as I questioned effectiveness if he is still drinking. I think he has mentioned going every day but he’s not done yet.

I probably sound like a total bitch but I’ve been coping for years with this, I think a large part of my own mental health struggles lie with his behaviour.

I am so very worried about the future effects on my children as they picked up on his drinking and slurring (they’re 11 and 14)

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SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 07/08/2020 01:19

I have experienced alcoholism. Not myself. My father. I don't remember him before he was an alcoholic. He would sometimes belt me for nothing at all, or knock me down if I was in the way of the drinks cabinet (I remember one occasion, I was about 7 & he knocked me out - I never told my mother until many years later - she claims she genuinely never knew he was beating me). He's got brain damage now, he still drinks. It's his choice. I don't even care any more. He had so many chances & turned away every time. I don't see much of my mother, either. She may not have known about the violence but she funded & enabled him.

My DH used to have a problem with it too, when we met. I told him he could drink all he liked, but I wasn't staying to watch him destroy his life and mine, like my mother did. He chose to stop. We've been together many years. He's never fucked it up because he knows there will be no second chance. He thinks my father is a waste of space too.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2020 01:20

The best example you can make for your children is to leave him. They've grown up long enough with this dysfunction.

Original poster
HGSells · 07/08/2020 01:21

Lizzie it feels very much like fuck this shit tonight. I’m so upset with this all. Feel lonely and isolated as can’t talk to anyone about it in RL. I’ve threatened to tell his DF but he gets tearful and say I would kill his DF with that revellation.

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rosie1959 · 07/08/2020 01:24

What goes on between your husband and his sponsor are totally out of bounds to you I would have been really unhappy if my sponsor had done this its breaking every rule of anonymity

rosie1959 · 07/08/2020 01:26

If you need support try Alanon may well help

Original poster
HGSells · 07/08/2020 01:27

sisyphus and aquamarine (sorry for abbreviating everyone names) DH definitely can be nasty to both me and DC, in the morning he acts like nothing has happened.

When I’ve asked him to leave, he gets tearful and says it would destroy him, blackmail used so well that I find it hard to leave myself with the kids.

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TinkersTailor · 07/08/2020 01:31

My mum was an alcoholic (she died a couple of years ago.)

When she first began attending AA meetings my dad thought they were a place for alcoholics to meet and drink, she came out drunker than she went in.
It's not the meeting itself, neither is it his sponsor.
They can't stop him from drinking. You can't stop him. The kids can't stop him.

The only person that can stop him, is him. He needs to want to. Until he's reached that point, he won't stop.

My mum was an all or nothing drinker. She'd be a few months sober and then go on a huge 3 month binge of non-stop drinking. The most damaging advice she received was from well meaning but clueless GPs, they told her to cut down and stop her drinking bit by bit. She physically wasn't capable of that, she had to go cold turkey or there was no hope.

We had her in AA, on a separate 12 step program, she had a sponsor, we put her through a private withdrawal program, paid for her to go into the priory (just for her to walk out 4 days later.)
She just didn't want to stop. She continued the binges to the end.

I miss her everyday (I really, really do - when she was sober she was the best mum a person could ask for) but the memories of her drunken, violent, abusive outbursts will stick with me forever.

For your MH and the sake of the kids, consider leaving him. It won't get better until he opts for recovery, he may never choose to do that. But you can choose what's best for you and your kids.

Original poster
HGSells · 07/08/2020 01:33

Thanks rosie think I need to speak to someone at ALnon.

Sorry, I meant I asked DH about the suitability of his sponsor and how helpful he is as a sponsor if his drinking is getting worse, I think as I’m feeling frustrated and angry about dealing with this, me criticising AA made DH defensive about his meetings and sponsor.

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LizzieBlackwell · 07/08/2020 01:33

Id honestly issue one last ultimatum.

He does 90 meetings in 90 days. If he doesn’t your going to have to be the change. It’s all there for him. The 247 one can be a bit lively and interesting, my family member is addicted to being on it and it’s really helped them over the lockdown.

You know he is emotionally blackmailing you don’t you so he can carry on drinking. He is trying to say you would kill his father if you told him.

I do believe alcoholism is a disease of the brain, a form of mental illness. But you and your kids don’t have to suffer this.

I’m going to stick my neck out and say their is some choice in giving up. I come from a family of alcoholics. Some never stopped and died in a really horrible lonely way, some managed to stop but died within 18 months as their bodies were ruined, and my family member has been dry now since January through pure determination and AA basically daily.

Does your dh drink every day?

Original poster
HGSells · 07/08/2020 01:38

Tinkers your story has made me cry😢, sorry you went through this. I’m scared this is what will happen to me and my DC.

I just need to find the strength to leave this fucking mess. I’ve tried to leave but don’t have the confidence, is this what they call enabling band codependency? My MH is suffering too, especially with fucking lockdown thrown in too.

I’m finding it helpful venting on here, thank you.

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