Feeling alone as DP alcoholism hit new low

[HGSells]

I’m just sick of it all, I need to vent on here as no one knows in RL.

He drinks secretively- I can always tell in his eyes but it’s the denial. I’m angry at AA meetings, his mentor from the 12 steps. It’s like he’s doing the changes but still drinking!

I always feel like he is full of remorse in the morning but nasty DH in the evening. Everyone thinks he’s amazing and such a good husband, I’m the one who is often angry, miserable and ungrateful one who is unstable emotionally😖

When I ended it with my ex he pulled the guilt trip. I have nowhere to go I will have to live in the car. I don't want my parents to know.

Honestly just end it - the relief of not always being on edge is amazing.

I kept it to myself because I was embarrassed and felt I could not talk to people.

Thinking of you OP how has the weekend been? The lies are heartbreaking, how would your DH react to having a home breathalyser and letting you ask him to use it? It sounds like he's at least halfway to admitting he has a real problem but he's still wrestling with us and trying to 'get away' with it, or perhaps still holds out some hope that he can control it. It's so hard to watch.

Oh op im sorry. Im in a similar place. I reccommend you download a podcast called love over addiction. Its fantastic the woman has been in the same boat and is very honest with everything it makes you understand you are not alone and its not something you can control.

Where to start with this one...

My dad passed away about 3 weeks ago now, he was an alcoholic and a nasty one at that. He made my mums life miserable.
Growing up I saw the drinking, but more so I saw the really nasty nasty side of his personality. He hit me on occasions and threw me out of the house because he deemed that I was old enough.

Had my mum left way back when, yes it would have been a struggle but she would have had such a fulfilling life. She would have coped and would have been helped out by friends and family.

You need to make the decision to either live the life and deal with the possible resentment from your kids for putting up with him.
I have an ok relationship with my mum but I often asked her why she let him do what he did to us ( physical assaults and verbal assaults) and I don't think I will ever forget about that.

My sister is now in a similar relationship with a right dick, and my brother spent years just being a knobend.
I however met an amazing guy and have a happy life.
I don't drink at all and my brother barely drinks now at all.

There is so much help out there now that wasn't there when I was younger.
Don't put yourself or your kids in a position where it's just the norm.......

Are you sure you wouldn't be happier single?

You don't have to put up with any of this. Imagine a week, without him there? You'd miss him, but you could be doing do many other things with your time.

Met an amazing guy and have a happy life
These things are important achievements well done 🌞 you must be strong, I hope your brother and sister are also able to find happiness
it can take decades to see through and untangle all the layers of gaslighting lies and manipulation

Thanks all for your feedback, I’m sorry I’ve not replied. I think I’ve been gaslighted and manipulated again. I told him he has to actively change this time or I’m done. He has definitely shifted and I sent him some of the MN posts to show him the destruction he is causing, he says and promises he will change. I am worried about the effects on my D.C, they know and DD has been curious about alcohol which worries me about the future for her but I try to talk to them with honesty. He is doing AA more daily now but I’m not really noting what he’s doing as I don’t trust him.

I feel very worn out what with work and COVID I’m not sure I have the energy to leave hence feeling manipulated, it’s hard not to talk to anyone. No way I could tell my DP as they are unwell plus I think my DM would use against me (fractious relationship at the best of times). Can’t talk to friends as I’m the one who is the one they turn to, hence me venting on here rather than RL.

I’ve had FA motivation today to do anything, my energy is depleted generally and the heat not helping...😢

I think talking to your friends will help, you've clearly always been there for them now it's their turn to be that shoulder to cry on x

Is he still drinking op?

Google adult children of alcoholics if you want insight as to what staying will do to your D.C.

Its a difficult read- I'm that person now and I hate that I couldn't do anything about it, I needed my mum to have left before it was too late. I hate to say it but I have a very difficult relationship with my mum now and won't ever forgive her for not being strong enough to leave.

Is he still drinking?

It's actions not words now. Anyone can say a promise, but it's what you DO that means something. If he's still drinking, it's game over for promises of recovery. Remember, you can opt out of this. Even temporarily. Give him a trial.

Alcoholics are selfish and manipulative. Recovering ones too. Even in recovery they still make it all about them, and everyone still dances to their tune. You can get off this merry go round. You are not just a supporting role to facilitate his life.

Please look after you. Put yourself first for a change.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Not all alcoholics need to hit rock bottom, I hadn't. I still had my house, my long term partner, my good job. But the facade was crumbling slowly the more ill I became. I just wanted a normal life back. My goal was to be that person walking out of Costa looking all happy!

I never really considered AA for me something about it didn't appeal. I did need a medical detox for safety and I used the local substance abuse service which provided support before, during and after. I had 10 days on medication, not able to be left alone, and I was joyful on day 3!! I've been sober 11 months and never been happier. I needed the counselling 1-2-1 the service provided.

People can come through the other side but they do have to really want to engage and want it. I'm not sure your Partner sounds ready.

Really impressive @theemmadilemma, thank you.

I don’t have the strength to leave, I feel I’m implicated in damage to my DC (reading article @OliviaBenson made me feel 😖, I sent it to him and he’s gone to bed, prob feeling shameful about his recent behaviour)

Honestly op listen to the podcast i suggested it helps a lot in that you wont feel as alone and you get the truth. The truth is he can promise you until he is blue in the face. Unless he hits rock bottom he wont change he will pacify you for a bit then sneak back to the bottle. Its not easy to hear i know i wish it every single day. But it doesnt work like that sadly.

Sending him posts from here and articles about adult children of alcoholics isn't going to make him change op. You need to see that only change can come from him, you cannot force that it make him see. I hate to say it but you are on a hiding to nothing.

Is he still drinking? If yes then that's all you need to know.

Can’t talk to friends as I’m the one who is the one they turn to, hence me venting on here rather than RL.

Bollocks. Utter utter bollocks. They are your friends. Talk to them. Yes they will realise you have been lying through your teeth about all kinds of stuff for years. Yes they will know you are not as together a person as you made out. Yes they will pity you. Yep. That will happen.

Burst the bubble of lies.

Talk to your friends. Cry. Rage.

Get it all out in the open. Tell everyone. Stop being his enabler.

Think of it this way, if you can't cope with temporary embarrassment of your mates knowing your marriage is shit not brilliant then it is a bit rich to be pissed off he can't cope with his larger emotional demons.

Do you know that the study of codependency came about because researchers into alcohol dependency noticed that the alcoholics' partners shared rather distinctive personality traits, those of enablers, who they labelled "co-dependents"?

Break out of your role in this dysfunction. Stop enabling. Speak out.

When I’ve asked him to leave, he gets tearful and says it would destroy him

But he is destroying you. And probably your children. Why do his "needs" trump your and theirs?

I don’t have the strength to leave

When it comes to something this destructive and how damaging it is to your children, you have to find the strength. It's there, I assure you.

He doesn’t want to stop drinking.AA only works for people who want to be sober.

The 90 meetings in 90 days is not endorsed by AA whatsoever.No amount of meetings will keep an Alcoholic sober if they don’t want to be.

I am a recovering Alcoholic with years and years of continuous sobriety.

Have you contacted Al-Anon yet? You will find if you do ,that you will have the strength to leave your husband ,or get him to leave.

Wishing you well,put yourself and children first.

@Candleabra,you sound an absolutely delightful person...........not.With useless advice to boot.

I also wonder why you feel you can't tell your friends. You need them to help and supptorr you. Let them.

Gosh @480Widdio what have I said to deserve that attack? I said the op should put her and the children first which is exactly what you've said.

@hgsells I hope you're ok. Some of this can't be easy to read so take your time to digest.