Feeling alone as DP alcoholism hit new low

[HGSells]

I’m just sick of it all, I need to vent on here as no one knows in RL.

He drinks secretively- I can always tell in his eyes but it’s the denial. I’m angry at AA meetings, his mentor from the 12 steps. It’s like he’s doing the changes but still drinking!

I always feel like he is full of remorse in the morning but nasty DH in the evening. Everyone thinks he’s amazing and such a good husband, I’m the one who is often angry, miserable and ungrateful one who is unstable emotionally😖

The fact that he is defensive of AA is actually a positive he really at the moment has very little experience but even through on line meetings he has a glimmer of hope and he can see that it works
Many AA s dont get it at first he is not unusual it can take time
I have never done 90 meetings in 90 days that does come from NA and it can be very overwhelming

Sorry lizzie just reading this and thank you.

I will suggest this to him and see what he says in the morning.

He drinks every night, he denies it but I can see it in his eyes, they’re glazed. When he does confess he blames work stress. I agree about the emotional blackmail, I’m enabling by not telling his dad. I’d like him to know as his dad always seems to think I’m the one who puts too much pressure on his precious son when I do nothing of the sort. Everyone thinks I’m lucky to have him as he is so charismatic and seemingly kind to everyone.

@HGSells when your DH gets tearful (manipulative) & tells you that it would destroy him if you left, you need to remember, & perhaps remind him - if you feel it's safe & helpful to do so - that it's destroying you & the DCs the while you stay. You may have a choice, they don't.

Who is actually named on the mortgage or tenancy? Could either of you afford it alone? It doesn't sound like he's a good prospect, employment-wise, TBH. Have you done a benefits calculation?

And, vent on here all you like.

@HGSells I don't want to upset you, I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, it's the very harsh reality of alcoholism. You can run yourself ragged accessing every available service and they still won't stop. It has to come from him.

The blackmail and crying is no stranger to me. If he is that upset at the thought of you leaving (knowing the drink is the reason why) why isn't he putting the bottle down, working with the program and speaking to the GP, MH teams, addiction teams..

My dad couldn't leave my mum, which is why I saw what I saw (some of my earliest memories are of my mum drinking.) He loved her, but that was at detriment to me.
We both scooped her up, binge after binge.

Can you look into some independent counselling for yourself? I'd stay away from Alanon personally.

@TinkersTailor just curious about why you’d avoid Alanon?

It helped to talk last night, I’m avoiding him this morning as I’m just too exhausted to deal with his issues after last night. He sent a text this morning saying he hadn’t drunk, I think that’s what continuously causes me the stress and pain, the lying and the dishonesty. I just can’t trust anything he does or says.

Just coming on to recommend al anon, but see you aren't keen. In that case, the local drug and alcohol service might run support groups for families, if you are interested.

I also wanted to chuck in that AA is not the only way to stop drinking and might not be meeting your partners needs to help him stop. It works for some people definitely not right for everyone (plenty of studies available to prove this; it's certainly not the gold standard as a "treatment"). There are other evidence based treatments (psychosocial and pharmacological), delivered by healthcare professionals, which might be better for him. It sounds like increasing his motivation to change is where the work needs to be, and a therapist skilled in motivational interviewing is what's required there. Has he engaged with a local alcohol service?

Also, don't know if it's helpful to hear (maybe you know it already). But studies on the brain of people with an addiction show there are physical changes to the brain. One of them is that the bit of your brain that processes/makes decisions gets cut off from the bit that controls impulses. It can help to understand the "lies". The Person genuinely means "this is their last drink" etc when they say it. But when the neurological trigger to drink goes off, the bit at the front of the brain which should control the impulse not to act on it, is literally disconnected, and they are likely to act on it. Willpower alone isn't enough not to.

Non of this is making excuses for your partner, just I hope helpful in trying to understand the process and to take away some of that "he's choosing the booze over me" doubt that creeps in and saps your self worth

Thanks @Restlessinthenorth how would we find a therapist with motivational interviewing experience please?

Good to know there maybe other support out there, I’m probably sounding impatient but I’ve been dealing with this for years and his behaviour seems to start off well and then he falls back into the secret drinking 😢

I'm afraid you can't fix him. It sounds like he's 'doing AA' to tick a box to shut you up. If he's still drinking, that shows he's not serious. His primary relationship is with drink. Not with you. You will harm your physical and mental health trying to fight this.

You need to stop being his safety net. Leave. Let him work it out. He may stop, or may not. But don't let him destroy you at the same time.

@HGSells local treatment services should provide this but it's VERY hit or Miss. alcohol treatment services have been decimated over the last decade. But some do it very well. Has he engaged with what you have locally? Take that as your starting point. There are other therapies too. Has he tried any medication to help at any point?

He also needs some support to work out what the function of his alcohol use is. That's the way to move forwards. If he doesn't like AA Smart recovery is national and might help.

There are so many options but people have only ever heard of AA, so often feel hopelessness and dispair when that doesn't provide a fix. What I will say is that there is hope.....addiction is a mental illness which has the BEST recovery rate of all MI.

I really don't think stories about how you were impacted by alcoholism and what miserable childhood in particular it caused you is helpful to op. She already knows its shit. While you are venting you are making her feel worse. People do something when they see that there is a point, that change is possible. All the doom and gloom sad stories do not help.

Op AA is not magic and certainly dont work for everyone. If you know anything about slimming clubs like WW and SW, some people keep comibg despite 'cheating' because they keep hoping, they believe its the only way, too ashamed to stop going or get addicted to the priest confessio /redemption elation feelings that give them when they walk out.

You need to focus on yourself and how you can get out. He will only stop when he is ready. He is very ill. You can't make him change. Focus on getting yourself and kids out.
Tell someone you trust in real life, you might be surprised with what and who is actually available for you.

aahomegroup.org/

Morning OP this is the link to the 247 AA. I hope the link is right. People from all around the world are on it. It’s literally on all the time. He would literally be able to have it on in the back ground all day.

If he won’t commit to 90 meetings in 90 days today I’d start making plans to separate and tell him you are. Your life doesn’t have to be about his alcoholism.

Good luck, you and your kids deserve better

Op AA is not magic and certainly dont work for everyone. If you know anything about slimming clubs like WW and SW, some people keep comibg despite 'cheating' because they keep hoping, they believe its the only way, too ashamed to stop going or get addicted to the priest confessio /redemption elation feelings that give them when they walk out

I don’t think thats fair. Have you ever been to a meeting? It’s not confessional and people only share if they want to. It’s nothing like WW or SW, AA has helped save lives. It really is a life line to people who want to stop. It’s a very effective tool in staying sober - if your dedicated enough

Hi OP. I’m so sorry you are in this position and I recognise all of what you are saying. My h was a secret drinking alcoholic too and when you say you see it in his eyes, I know exactly what you are talking about.

The deceit and lies and frustration of it all are exhausting and you sound like you are totally exhausted. I’m not surprised.

I ended my marriage a few months ago. Divorce is very far from easy (I have young children too) but being out of the day to day craziness is just lovely. I know it’s really tough but leaving is probably going to save your MH and your kids need you, especially as they don’t have your H.

My best advice is to speak to a solicitor as soon as possible. Many offer half an hour free and you may find they will put your mind at rest as you may be “entitled” to more than you fear.

It’s so harsh but there is just nothing at all that you can do to change your h. He has to do it all himself. As others have said, maybe he needs a new sponsor but that’s not your job to sort.

You can help yourself and your kids, though. I definitely recommend getting some counselling. If you can afford it, it’s worth paying as the nhs provision is hit and miss and sometimes v long waiting lists. Alanon is definitely also worth a try.

You’re obviously really worried about your kids and I’m sure you’ll be able to give them a much better life away from the chaos and worry of an alcoholic df.

Good luck!

I am struck by the fact that he says 'if you leave it will destroy me'. He is handing you the responsibility for keeping him safe - and you are accepting it!!! Which is pointless!!.

There is only one person destroying your dh and you know who that is. It is your dh. He is destroying himself anyway, whether you stay or go.

Don't accept that responsibility from him, however much he cries and pleads. It isn't yours and you can't save him.

You can save your self and your children though.

Well it maybe fairer to say it's the alcohol that's destroying him. But either way, it isn't you.

I just wanted to say you absolutely DON’T sound like “a total bitch”.
He is the problem. His drinking. His drinking is affecting you, the family and your MH.
TBH anyone can join AA that would mean very little to me. If he won’t stop (and he may never stop) then you do need to plan to separate. It’s not fair on the kids or you to have to face this.
Good luck OP. You deserve better.

Hello op. My dad is an alcoholic. You can't control it, or make him stop drinking.

Alcoholics are master manipulators. Of course he deflects it to you, denies it. It really is a family disease. Don't keep his secret for him though, tell people if you want. Secret keeping is just helping him pretend it's all ok. His dad probably knows anyway and no it won't harm his dad to know.

Please please make steps to leave. My mum didn't and honestly my childhood was hellish and I'm still affected to this day, the best thing you can do is leave. It won't be easy but you will be much better off for it.

Sending you lots of strength.

Hi @HGSells I'm sorry you're going through this.

What strikes me is it sounds like you're misplacing hope in AA, that it could 'cure' your DP for him. But AA is just a support for someone who chooses to do it themselves. You wouldn't blame the walking stick for somebody's arthritis or the gym for their obesity, would you? Changing dp's sponsor or the number of nights he attends will make no difference unless he's chosen to make use of it. At the moment your OP is the equivalent of the fat person going to the gym 3 times a week but sitting in the cafe watching them lifting weights. Increase the nights he goes and he just eats more cake. It's great he's stepped through the door but he wont 'lose the weight' just by being there. Doing the work is entirely up to him and nothing you do or say will make a difference because you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.

You can't change him but you CAN change how you react and change yourself . You need support for yourself so TELL people. Tell friends and family that you need support and why. Start focusing on yourself and your self esteem. Start managing finances and savings to give yourself some independence if needs be. What can you do to start building towards a stronger future for yourself with or without him? Volunteering? Job? Courses? Hobbies? Friends? Whether or not he can get on top of this you will be a stronger person and your dcs will be the better for it.

Good luck

To flip it around he is in the grips of an addiction, you think his excuses to keep drinking are pathetic but what about you for putting up with it for so long and not leaving?
The fact is he is a functioning alcoholic and still brings the money in is whats keeping you there. You aren't addicted and say dont have the motivation to take control and leave, worried about money... can you imagin how much harder it is like for someone with a substance dependency to get motivated when this shit thats alcohol is actually changing the chemistry of your brain? He is the really trapped person there, not you.

@Candleabra

I'm afraid you can't fix him. It sounds like he's 'doing AA' to tick a box to shut you up. If he's still drinking, that shows he's not serious. His primary relationship is with drink. Not with you. You will harm your physical and mental health trying to fight this.

You need to stop being his safety net. Leave. Let him work it out. He may stop, or may not. But don't let him destroy you at the same time.

I could not agree more. I have lived with an alcoholic and it is shit. but you can take control. .find a way to get out. otherwise yes he threatens to destroy you all. is that what you want for your kids?

Ultimately you need an escape plan
My ex partner is an alcoholic, he's like a black hole of destruction anyone in his orbit gets sucked in
move away, move on, find a better life for you and your children🏖️

I probably sound like a total bitch - no, the opposite. You aren't standing up for yourself or your kids because you are worn down from years of being the secret keeper and bearing the brunt of his addiction.

Whether he goes to AA or not, he's clearly not following the steps - he hasn't even admitted he has a problem. He isn't serious about sobriety; he may never be. That's up to him to decide.

You can get support for yourself via Al Anon, which is not the same as AA.

I haven't read this book - Help Them Beat the Booze but I read the companion book Beat The Booze the day I stopped drinking nearly 10 years ago. It really helped me and I hope the 'Help Them .. ' edition will help you.

I would start by telling people the truth.

[quote HGSells]@TinkersTailor just curious about why you’d avoid Alanon?

It helped to talk last night, I’m avoiding him this morning as I’m just too exhausted to deal with his issues after last night. He sent a text this morning saying he hadn’t drunk, I think that’s what continuously causes me the stress and pain, the lying and the dishonesty. I just can’t trust anything he does or says.[/quote]
I say that because of the bad experiences I had with them.
I was made to feel like I had to stick with my mum to help her get better, no matter what. The advice seemed very geared towards codependency. Not helpful, for me anyway.

How are you today?

He is the really trapped person there, not you.
Ah yes, because he has no control over what he's doing.
No personal autonomy. Someone is physically pouring the alcohol down his throat.

Do you actually have any experience of living with an alcoholic?