It's getting bad

[sparklingwater1]

The past 2 nights I've drank till I've passed out.

We had to leave our friends party early cause of it last night. I couldn't hold a conversation. My partner slept downstairs till 4am then came up, I must have embarrassed him. Was all his friends.

I drink almost every night, either a couple of vodkas, a bottle of wine. Whatever is there.

I'm getting worse though. I can go a couple of nights with nothing then I feel "well done sparklingwater1 now you can have a drink again cause you can do it!"

I have kids, I have a good job and I have a drinking problem. Kids weren't with us at party but we're with us on Friday while I drank. I'm a terrible mum for doing it, what kind of shitty mum am I.

I know the reasons,

1. Me and DP are going through a rough time, we're not having sex so I drink cause I forget the sadness I feel that he doesn't find me attractive anymore (he says it isn't that and he's just not right himself but it's been 2 months...it has to be me)
2. I am in serious debt - even though I have a good job I have around £600 going out to pay off debt which is in no where near getting paid off anytime soon. I'm worried how I'm going to get the kids Christmas sorted and the selfish bitch I am will buy drink instead. I'm horrible. My DP is also completely unaware of this debt. When he finds out he'll probably leave me for lying.
3. I'm just sad - I look terrible, I'm overweight, I'm pale, tired looking and generally just one of those ugly people - so I drink.

I'm not really looking for replies, I just needed to get this out. I'm now lying in bed with tears pouring down my face. I don't know where to go next.

I grew up in a family where my dad drank every night. Alcohol was the norm to be around. Even now when we visit any extended family the first question is normally "whose driving?" They're not a toxic family though we are very close and I love them all dearly as I know they love me. If I said no I'd get offered tea or coffee instead...but I never say no. It's my problem. Not anyone else's and I don't know what to do.

Yes you can @strugglingagain
Keep telling yourself you don’t want this anymore. I’d recommend the “I am sober” app
I’m off to my first addiction counselling appointment this morning 🤞🏻

Okpedro, hope your meeting went ok? I will have a look at that app but everyone has access to my phone and i am trying to keep it all to myself. Dont want anyone knowijg its gotten bad again. This secretiveness is crap but i also need to make the decision myself. If other half knows he will do what he can to not allow it and thats when ibgo nuts about it xx

@Strugglingagain it's so hard. I hope you're ok.

@OkPedro how did your meeting go?

I went to GP I was sick with nerves. I closed the door and burst into tears. I told him everything. He prescribed me anti depressants and wanted to sign me off from work. I said I really didn't want that - I love my job and I have a fair bit of responsibility. To take that away from me for a month wouldn't give me a focus to give up in the morning. He eventually agreed.

I then came home and told DP. He already knew and he was going along with me but it was the first time we had properly spoken about it. He wanted to take some of the blame cause he would happily pour me drinks, bring me wine in when I asked etc. I told him that he wasn't to blame he wasn't pinning me down and pouring it down my throat. We had a good chat and have a plan in place for things. Nervous to take anti depressants I'm picking up my prescription later on today.

Obviously I don’t know your full situation, OP, but I’m concerned at your GP immediately prescribing ADs. Alcohol is a depressant and many people find when they stop heavy drinking, after the initial difficult period, depressive feelings can lift. Trying a behavioural support such as AA or some of the sobriety programs PP have posted could be a first option. Definitely don’t dismiss AA without trying a few local meetings.

smartrecovery.org.uk/

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/Home

Hi @sparklingwater1
So happy to hear how you are doing. Going to the GP is a huge step. As I said before your DH sounds lovely and now you have him in your corner. I agree with auntyelle, I’m surprised your GP prescribed antids. Do you feel depressed?

I was prescribed Librium for a week. The fog lifted for me once I stopped drinking.

My meeting was great. I clicked straight away with the counsellor. I’ll see him every week now for the foreseeable. I’m nervous about opening the can of worms and talking about how and why I became an alcoholic but I’m feeling so strong now, I know I can do it.

@Strugglingagain
How are you feeling today? I understand this has to be on your terms. I know I’m doing this for my children but ultimately I had to take the first step for me. This is about me and my recovery. This is about you and you’ll do it your way too

He said that the drinking was just a cover for my low mood which I understood what he was saying. He said that my underlying issue isn't drink I'm using that as a way to forget so to get to the root of the underlying cause. He mentioned counselling but I can't afford that and the waiting list for nhs is a long time he said.

We spoke that I haven't had any since last Sunday and he said that I was making positive steps with that myself so all the was left to address was my low mood and mental health.

Do you think I should ask to see another doctor? I have the tablets but haven't taken any yet.

Is there any reason to start the ADs immediately, OP? Could you give it a few weeks and revisit it then? I think most people stopping need some support outside of their F&F - have you considered trying one of the group support meetings or websites? There’ll be people on here with much more experience than me, but some GPs do seem very quick to prescribe ADs.

@sparklingwater1 Yeah there’s always an underlying cause for why we ended up drinking so much. Did you start drinking to block out depression or mental illness? Mine started when my Mam died. I drank to block out the grief. It worked for awhile but inevitably it turned into dependence for me.
My family was quite dysfunctional. They drank to express hard emotions so I grew up thinking that’s the easiest way to deal with hard emotions.
Sorry I’m no expert just saying why I think I’ve ended up here.
Have you taken antids before?
Again I agree with auntyelle
Maybe give it 2/3 weeks and see how you feel?
I can’t put into words how good I feel now. It’s 16 days since I had a drink and I feel like me again. My mood is good and I feel positive for the future

*untyElle

Is there any reason to start the ADs immediately, OP? Could you give it a few weeks and revisit it then?*

I think this is a really good point. Alcohol is a known depressant. Stopping drinking in itself may make such a difference that you won’t need antidepressants. Or they might help you. It’s totally your choice of course!

you are doing amazingly. I really need to break 1 week sober . Every week I start again because I drink at least 2 days even when trying not too. Breaking 1 week would give me such a boost

I am certainly no expert and am just starting to cut down as well. I find it much easier to not drink at all most nights rather than having one or two because it inevitably becomes 3,4,5,6 etc etc. Maybe try that? I’ve tried to cut down before but inevitably ended up drinking again. None at all is easier in my opinion.

I'm in the same position. I don't enjoy it anymore, putting on weight and spending too much. It was my birthday yesterday so have a few bottles in the house. I'm really tempted to try and stop before Christmas. It takes a huge amount to get pissed now and I don't get hangovers which isn't a good sign. I can't understand why I'm so hell bent on destroying myself.

Sorry for just replying. I've had a lot going on with work and enjoying time with the kids!

I went back to another gp who was quite frankly horrified I had been given anti depressants and was really pleased I hadn't opened them. She recommended counselling but I can't afford it. She was impressed with how I had been and said it seems like I'm in control so didn't prescribe me anything further but told me to come straight back if I felt I needed to for anything.

I haven't been completely off it and have enjoyed a few social drinks over the festive period but haven't had more than 3 and have had water in between each one. I focus on that I want to feel fresh and full of energy for my boys and it's been working. When we've had people round I've just pretended to put a spirit in with my mixer and no one has been any the wiser. I will tell people eventually but I worry that it's still too early on my journey and I would give in to the "oh just have a drink" calls and I know that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from getting like how I used to be. If we've been to somewhere I've just taken the car. I don't drink every night anymore and I never feel I need to drink since my last post I think over the festive period with days/ nights out I've drank at 3 of them and had my 3 drinks with water in between. I feel in control.

Financially I'm still really struggling but I am saving from now buying £6/7 bottles of wine each night so it's definitely helping with my money.

I hope everyone has had a lovely Christmas and new year and thank you all for your support.