It's getting bad

[sparklingwater1]

The past 2 nights I've drank till I've passed out.

We had to leave our friends party early cause of it last night. I couldn't hold a conversation. My partner slept downstairs till 4am then came up, I must have embarrassed him. Was all his friends.

I drink almost every night, either a couple of vodkas, a bottle of wine. Whatever is there.

I'm getting worse though. I can go a couple of nights with nothing then I feel "well done sparklingwater1 now you can have a drink again cause you can do it!"

I have kids, I have a good job and I have a drinking problem. Kids weren't with us at party but we're with us on Friday while I drank. I'm a terrible mum for doing it, what kind of shitty mum am I.

I know the reasons,

1. Me and DP are going through a rough time, we're not having sex so I drink cause I forget the sadness I feel that he doesn't find me attractive anymore (he says it isn't that and he's just not right himself but it's been 2 months...it has to be me)
2. I am in serious debt - even though I have a good job I have around £600 going out to pay off debt which is in no where near getting paid off anytime soon. I'm worried how I'm going to get the kids Christmas sorted and the selfish bitch I am will buy drink instead. I'm horrible. My DP is also completely unaware of this debt. When he finds out he'll probably leave me for lying.
3. I'm just sad - I look terrible, I'm overweight, I'm pale, tired looking and generally just one of those ugly people - so I drink.

I'm not really looking for replies, I just needed to get this out. I'm now lying in bed with tears pouring down my face. I don't know where to go next.

I grew up in a family where my dad drank every night. Alcohol was the norm to be around. Even now when we visit any extended family the first question is normally "whose driving?" They're not a toxic family though we are very close and I love them all dearly as I know they love me. If I said no I'd get offered tea or coffee instead...but I never say no. It's my problem. Not anyone else's and I don't know what to do.

Depending on your mindset you've either chosen the best or the worst time to do this.

The worst because we're about to enter party season. Christmas is the ultimate excuse to have a drink. You will need to be strong.

The best because if you let yourself, you can use Christmas as the ultimate distraction from drinking and excuse not to drink.

Your user name is sparkling, imagine if you used your sparkle to make Christmas really magical for your family. While also using it as a way to be distracted from alcohol.

You can get busy with all the planning of Christmas activities, baking, days out, crafts with the kids. Plan really cool outings like panto and ice skating for weekend nights so you are removed from temptation.

You could really do this if you wanted to.

I really admire you for writing this thread and being honest with yourself.
Have you thought of professional help? AA, your GP etc. There are also charities such as CAP who can support you whilst you are in debt. They are a Christian charity but pleas do t be put off as they are really amazing.

Good luck x

Proper help and support can get you through this.

Do you feel like you can tell DP that you know you have an alcohol problem and can he support you by having a dry house?

Please see this as an opportunity to change your DCs future

Thank you all for being so kind.

I don't have any Christmas nights out coming up - I purposefully don't go to my work one so I don't humiliate myself.

DP would support me in anyway he could I know that.

I like the idea of using Christmas to do more Christmas things than drinking. I'll take the car to places where there could be a temptation.

I'll phone the GP tomorrow - does anyone have any experience of what to expect? I'm nervous at the thought but I know I need to.

I'll also look into the charity that was recommended. Thank you for being so nice to me at a time I know I don't deserve it.

I was stuck on a similar sliding slope a few years ago. There was a wonderfully supportive thread / group her on MN, I wonder if it still exists? Have a search. There was so much good advice there.

The thing which worked for me is:
Don't drink alone at home. Wine is my problem and DH doesn't drink so knowing there was a bottle of wine open I found it hard not to finish it. Now I will have a glass of wine at home if entertaining (not often), a glass or half a bottle out with friends with lunch or dinner but the most I have at home is a small bottle of cider.

I still have a problem if there is wine open but have really cut those occasions down.

Another tip I picked up on the MN group was if I finished a glass of wine and craved another to set my alarm for one hour and see if I still thought it was a good idea then. Often by then I was feeling headachy or nauseous so that also curtailed it.

For me, taking myself out of the drinking area also helped. So I'd go to bed early with a good book or have a long bath and not go downstairs again.

Good luck and I hope you find the support you need.

Hi sparklingwater1

Sorry you are feeling like this. I don't know how to link threads but I have one on here titled "I need your help please "
Have a look, I have received great advice. I cannot recommend the alcohol experiment by Annie Grace enough. It has really helped me.
Good luck and be kind to yourself x

DH doesn't drink (doesn't like it) so if I open a bottle I drink it, usually over 2 or 3 days tbh. I did have a point when I was drink at least a bottle every week.

The solution was just to not buy it, we shop on line so it's easy no to as DH does the shop.

I am way too lazy to go out and buy a bottle!!

Honestly have a dry house and also recognise how much £££ it would save towards reducing your debt.

Thank you all.

I honestly appreciate that you've taken the time to reply to me.

DP asked if I wanted wine with dinner (he would always offer) and I said no when I would always say yes. We have a little family do tonight and we would have walked but I've said I'll take the car. I've not spoken to him directly about everything yet but I will after I see the GP tomorrow.

This will be a battle but take it one day at a time, and what a good start!

That's a great start. Stay strong.

Make sure you have plans in place to deal with your weaker moments. This week could be tough. You can do this.

Good luck with the gp tomorrow.

So proud of you for say no and for taking the car!! That’s such a big step. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Good luck with the doctors and your DP will be so proud of you when you tell him and that you are doing something about it. Keep strong xxxx

Thank you all I can't get a gp appointment until next week so will have to bide time till then. I'm working late tonight and tomorrow so won't be home till after 7 so as long as I get home, go for a long shower and then potter about till bedtime I'll be fine. I'm feeling strong and determined today I don't know how long that will last but I'll keep going.

Thank you so much for being so nice to me.

Post on here if you Ever feel you need to drink before you do it. We will all support you though this

Hi sparklingwater1 How are you doing now? I am on day 7 with no alcohol. I can’t tell you how desperate I was this day last week. I had hit rock bottom. I had a panic attack in my kitchen all because I had to make my children a snack. That was it, I told myself no more, I was slowly killing myself. I am overweight, bloated and my face is covered in red broken capillaries.
I’ve been this way for over 5 years! I honestly thought the day would never come when I actually got help. I went to my GP, it was very hard to be completely honest with her, I was so ashamed. I was drinking up to two bottles of wine every night. On nights out I wouldn’t know when to stop. I had to have more and more and ended up in embarrassing and sometimes dangerous situations. I don’t know how I got out of bed in the mornings or how I am actually still living. She gave me a short course of Librium in case I had withdrawals. I told two close friends how bad it was and they were so supportive. I also told my exdp. You sound like you’re ready to stop drinking sparklingwater You should tell your OH.
I feel like a different person already ( I still look a bit shit tbh )
I’m using the “I am Sober” app I’d definitely recommend it.

Thank you for the messages and for your experience @OkPedro

I'm still staying strong, this has been the longest I have managed i can remember. A small win was that my son had to give in money for a school show (quite a lot) and usually I would have struggled but I could hand it over straight out my purse with money I've saved on alcohol so that spurred me on so far tonight.

We have friends coming over this weekend, I suggested going to theirs so I could take the car but they were quite insistent on coming to ours. As luck would have it I'm loaded with a horrible cold so I'm going to get some lemsips and make my excuses as to why I'm not drinking. I'm feeling strong enough I can do it. We also have a family do on Sunday but will drive to that so I'm covered there from temptation.

I spent tonight absolutely gutting my house to keep me busy and I feel I've dusted off another layer that was chipping away at me too.

GP isn't till next week (Thursday) DP hasn't had anything (he wouldn't normally have anything during the week) and has definitely noticed I'm not drinking but hasn't said anything and has instead poured me things like cranberry with slices of lime and wee cheesy cocktail umbrellas and things that's made me laugh, I know it's his way of telling me he knows what I'm doing and is supporting me. I'm not quite ready so say to him how I've been feeling, I feel that if I can talk to the GP first then I can say that I've taken the first step to helping myself if that makes sense?

Thank you again for your help x

Yes that makes complete sense sparklingwater Speak with the GP and take things from there. Your DH sounds lovely. I’ve considered getting some cocktail umbrellas for my sparkling drink

Listen you’re doing great. Distraction and having goals is the way forward. I started on my house this week too. Lots of decluttering and reorganizing.

I’ve saved €80 since I stopped so I bought myself a lovely winter coat today. I can relate to the feeling of either not having the money or not wanting to spend my drinking money
Much nicer than wine and hangovers

Keep going.. We can do this 💪

It’s really nice he’s silently supporting you 💐

Hop over to the Brave Babes Battle Bus thread for more support, OP. If you can manage days at a time without drinking that’s a great place to start. Could you feel comfortable talking to your GP too? Help is there. Stopping or reducing how much you drink is hard work but worth it.

Well done sparkling. It’s amazing but believe me when I tell you that the longer you stay off the booze the more you will like yourself. You sound like a great person, you’ll start to realise that if you keep it up

Would love to know how you are getting on xx

Thank you @Strugglingagain I'm still going strong. I have my gp appointment tomorrow morning and feeling quite nervous about it now.

I survived the weekend but admittedly I went to bed early as we ended up with more guests than I thought and for once I wasn't the drunkest person in the room. I was actually quite disgusted with myself cause I just thought god I would have been horrendous by now. DP took me aside (he had only had 2 drinks the full night) and said he was really proud of me and if I wanted to go to bed he would tell people I had a sore head etc until I got used to being around people drinking more. I went to bed about back of 10ish and he said to folk I had been struggling with a sore head most of the day. I stuck to cranberry juice (admittedly I told people it was vodka and cranberry) cause I would have got some jeers and it would have been "go on just have a drink" but I knew it wouldn't be just one. I only drank drinks poured by me or DP all night.

Not touched anything this week still and tonight I had a terrible day at work and normally would have driven straight to the shop for wine. I came home and instead raided the sweetie cupboard...which I know calorie wise isn't much better probably but it was a quick fix of "something" I needed. Kids in bed now and I'm going to watch I'm a celeb and then head to bed. I've been waking up feeling fresh and focussed which is good. Have a quiet weekend this weekend so all will be good.

I haven't told DP about the doctors yet and we haven't had "the chat" but we both know what's been happening and he's supporting me through. He's off tomorrow so he has some wine tonight, he would normally have just poured me a glass but instead he brought me in a big hot chocolate which was delish! Lol

How's everyone doing?

@sparklingwater1
Delighted to hear you are doing so well.
Your DH sounds great.
You’re smashing it 💪

I’m 13 days sober.
I feel bloody great. My anxiety is gone. I don’t feel guilty and irritated as much. Life is good without a hangover and an empty purse 😁
I have my moments where I get jittery and think “oh it would be nice to have a glass of something” but that feeling comes and I tell myself why I’m doing this. I remember the awful rock bottom moment I had two weeks ago. I never want to be in that dark place again.
I’m in bed and asleep by 10.30, during the week (used to be 3am 😬)
My skin is better, I’m not bloated and I can buy myself nice things every week.

Keep going everyone 🤞🏻

You are doing amazing... you should be proud. Im on day 1 everyday. Cant do it. Depression is killing me and only feel 'ok' after a wine. I managed 2 years without a drink and my life was great... now im back to wanting a drink everyday and thinking about it morning till night.

@Strugglingagain.
Sorry to hear you are not doing so well.
Have you been to see your GP?
I was on Librium for withdrawals. I was drinking up to two bottles of wine a night for 5 years. I don’t know how I’m still here. I am still here though and I’m sober. I have to pinch myself that I’m doing this. My depression and anxiety was crippling me. I considered taking the pills in front of me 2 weeks ago.. something snapped in my brain.. I rang my best friend and she talked me out of it.
Do you think you could get yourself to your GP? Make that first step?

Just gonna get this weekend out of the way and start a fresh sunday. Im ready for this. I dont want it anymore. I am back on my anti ds and they seem to be calming me. Started them beginning of the week. Want to give them a week to lick in then i can go for it