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Alcohol support

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Original poster

I’m so lost! I need help!

55 replies

Magic48 · 29/09/2018 21:01

My husband has heavy drunk for about 12 years, I never knew until a year after we were together as he got so good at hiding it with his last wife and he is a high functioning alcoholic, I got him off the whiskey when I fell pregnant which was great but now he has either 2/3’s a bottle of high distilled vodka or 4-5 1.25L of cider a night! I have tried counselling for myself as he won’t go al—anon cannot do anything more for me and my almost three year old deserves a happy family who has sober parents (or just not drinking silly! I can’t even drink it anymore as it just makes me mad, the foul smell that comes off him and fills our room in the mornings is nauseating and sometimes he is still over the limit in the mornings (we are self employed and work together) help! I’m loosing myself

OP posts:

Squeegle · 29/09/2018 21:06

I think that if you have been to Alan on you will know that you can’t change him, you can just concentrate on you and your child. Have you anywhere else you can go?

Original poster

Magic48 · 29/09/2018 21:13

I don’t know how to concentrate on me! It consumes me and I can’t brong myself to leave because it will break my Daughters heart plus he will ruin me, I have already heard him talking about what he learnt from his last divorce and that if I ever left him he would know what to do to make sure I’m worse off. I don’t have anywhere to go in the city I live all my friends and family live an hour away

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FusionChefGeoff · 29/09/2018 21:16

Sorry to keep this so short but...

You can leave, or you can stay.

You can't do anything else.

You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

Original poster

Magic48 · 29/09/2018 21:23

I’m choosing to stay because I believe he will get it one day, whether it’s because he gets very sick or not who knows! There just must be something I can do to help him and myself, surely

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Mum2jenny · 29/09/2018 21:26

Magic it is your choice but he's unlikely to change. Alcohol can be an addiction and it sounds like he prioritises alcohol above everything else. Can you live like this?

Original poster

Magic48 · 29/09/2018 21:31

I can if I withdraw myself and stop trying to make it better, I’m happy to try the harsh no love, no attention that has been recommended to me. That may help. I just keep telling myself; I fell for it, it was my choice to marry him so suck it up but then the other part of me is so unhappy

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BifsWif · 29/09/2018 21:34

Please leave, for your daughters sake. It’s not fair that she grows up around an alcoholic or witnessing a toxic relationship.

You can’t change him. You. Cannot. Change. Him.

Speak to CAB for advice on what you would be entitled to. It is not your husbands decision what you would or would not get from him if you were to divorce.

Cardiganandcuppa · 29/09/2018 21:36

You’ve got to leave him for your own sake and for your daughter’s sake.

There isn’t any other good option.

Original poster

Magic48 · 29/09/2018 21:36

That’s the thing though, I have already spoken with CAB they said there is no advice available until I went through the courts to keep her safe. If we seperarated and he still got to have her on her own he won’t be able to cope, especially if he had her overnight he just knocks himself out the whole night about from his weird behaviour

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BifsWif · 29/09/2018 21:38

So no overnight visits. Let him take you to court, you have every reason to worry about her safety with him.

Check the entitledto website to see what financial help you can get. Please put your daughters well-being first. You would both be a lot happier out of this.

Original poster

Magic48 · 29/09/2018 21:39

Knowing who is he and what he is like I truly believe he will make life 10 times worse than it is now if I left

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Original poster

Magic48 · 29/09/2018 21:41

Who’s choice will that be though? It surely wouldn’t be mine (the no overnight visits

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BifsWif · 29/09/2018 21:54

Yes it would. A court could order otherwise, but you’d have the chance to give your side of the story.

Do you think he’d fight that hard for overnight access?

earlybyrd · 29/09/2018 22:01

You will never change him, so you are only in charge if your response to him, he is bullshitting about making life hard, how dare he! Sounds like he doesn't live your daughter or you very much, he is in live with alcohol and his relationships I'll always be with that and not you - your choice if you want that life, you are strong, he is the weak one, you can end this.

earlybyrd · 29/09/2018 22:02

Love ! Not live!

HollowTalk · 29/09/2018 22:04

Work-wise, would you be able to run your business if you left him and moved to live near your family/friends?

Does his work involve machinery or driving?

Is it just the two of you involved in the business?

polkadotpixie · 29/09/2018 22:08

Please please please leave him, for your daughter's sake

I grew up with an alcoholic father and it was very traumatic. I so wish my Mum had left him

He scared me, I never knew how he would behave/react. He embarrassed me in front of my friends. He disgusted me, still does and I'm now 34. He's a good person when he's sober but unfortunately he's never sober

We have very little relationship now and I can't stand allowing him near my son, I won't inflict him on my baby like he was inflicted on me

HopeClearwater · 29/09/2018 22:09

You should get out now and take your daughter with you. Do not bring her up in an alcoholic home. You are endangering her safety and her mental well-being.

You’ve already wasted time trying to change him. You clearly failed. That is because only he can change himself. Call it a day and get yourself gone.

Original poster

Magic48 · 30/09/2018 02:46

Thank you everyone for your words, it’s nice to get honesty from somewhere and it’s also nice to have it confirmed that I’m not just being silly it is actually a really bad situation to be in, I will start looking in other places to help to put a plan in place so I make my next moves in the right order and properly so everyone is safe and so everyone can become happy

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pallisers · 30/09/2018 03:23

My guess is that if you talked to his ex wife, she will tell you that at one point she was exactly where you are - feeling scared, hopeful, terrified of what he would unleash on her. But she is now free and did ok in the divorce. you can be too.

I wish you luck.

Original poster

Magic48 · 30/09/2018 04:20

It would be easy if it was just me. I come from a broken family and I wished for years that I could have both my parents together it makes it harder because I don’t want her to hurt like I did, especially because she doesn’t seem him drunk so she doesn’t know there’s is anything bad

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Original poster

Magic48 · 30/09/2018 04:26

Hollowtalk our work involves driving but no machinery, it does involving working around and with other tradesmen and customers though and no I would have to find another job

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HappyHedgehog247 · 30/09/2018 04:28

I don’t know how old your DD is but the research is clear that growing up with an alcoholic parent is difficult and can be very damaging. Nobody wants to break up a family but kids can do well with separated parents.

Original poster

Magic48 · 30/09/2018 04:29

My husband is also a nice person just not once he has been drinking which is of course every night and every morning from morning, I don’t know if mum Daughter knows anything apart from ‘Daddy is grumpy’ or ‘Daddy is taking a nap’ but I’m sure one day she will get it

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Original poster

Magic48 · 30/09/2018 04:30

What is a DD?

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