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Alcohol support

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Original poster

I’m so lost! I need help!

55 replies

Magic48 · 29/09/2018 21:01

My husband has heavy drunk for about 12 years, I never knew until a year after we were together as he got so good at hiding it with his last wife and he is a high functioning alcoholic, I got him off the whiskey when I fell pregnant which was great but now he has either 2/3’s a bottle of high distilled vodka or 4-5 1.25L of cider a night! I have tried counselling for myself as he won’t go al—anon cannot do anything more for me and my almost three year old deserves a happy family who has sober parents (or just not drinking silly! I can’t even drink it anymore as it just makes me mad, the foul smell that comes off him and fills our room in the mornings is nauseating and sometimes he is still over the limit in the mornings (we are self employed and work together) help! I’m loosing myself

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earlybyrd · 30/09/2018 05:07

A DD is a darling daughter - if my experience is anything to go by, she will be miming drinking behind his back from about 8, they quickly realise that it's not how their friends parents behave, act now for her if it's too hard to do it for you.

Original poster
Magic48 · 30/09/2018 05:19

Oh sorry i should have guessed, my wee one is only 3 so she won’t know but she will still pick up on vibes of tension etc

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bastardkitty · 30/09/2018 05:43

I think you are far from finished with alanon. Please continue to get support from yourself, especially to look at your own codepenency issues. Whose lives are being put at risk when he drives drunk every morning? He's basically threatened you with how hellish he will make things if you also leave him. A 3 year old cannot have a meaningful relationship with a so-called parent who drinks 30 (?) units of alcohol a day. It's doubtful he has a meaningful relationship with anyone. I would start talking to professionals including your GP so that there is evidence of the reasons you plan to leave as part of your plan to safeguard your daughter. You need a solicitor, not CAB. Please keep talking to people, here and in real life.

Original poster
Magic48 · 30/09/2018 06:19

Wow that’s one of the most helpful answers I have had because your right he doesn’t have a meaningful relationship with anyone, he even doesn’t like any of his family; I didn’t get any help from CAB last time so I won’t go back there, I know I’m not finished with al-anon but he needed to accept to go to get to the next step which he doesn’t want to. I will keep getting help for me and I will try my gp, I hadn’t thought of that for some reason, thank you bastardkitty

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OliviaBenson · 30/09/2018 07:09

Your daughter will thank you one day. My mum wasn't strong enough to leave my alcoholic dad and childhood was horrendous. I still suffer with MH issues today. I also resent my Mum for keeping us in that situation and I have a poor relationship with her.

Get out now. He won't change, his first love is alcohol.

Squeegle · 30/09/2018 07:16

Al-anon is for you, not for him. One of the problems we co-dependents have is that we always think about what they need to do; when really we have to turn the focus on what we can do. I urge you to go back. I found a website called sober recovery very helpful; especially as it was difficult to go to meetings due to young children.

Squeegle · 30/09/2018 07:18

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

It’s all about how we can help ourselves. For me it was a great source of support and opened my eyes to the fact that I couldn’t change him.

Original poster
Magic48 · 30/09/2018 07:49

Thank you for the website it will be helpful to have something other than what I have used so dar

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Original poster
Magic48 · 30/09/2018 07:50

I’m sorry you went through whatever you did, I don’t ever want her to resent me I have only ever wanted a strong family 😥 @oliviabenson

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hendricksy · 30/09/2018 07:57

My dad used to drink at least half a bottle of whiskey every night during my whole life . He does a very horrible death after complications from t2 diabetes's . I don't have a dad and my children don't have a grandad . I miss him, I wish he had put us before the drink but he didn't . I know the smell you are talking about and is disgusting . Good luck to you and your dd .

bastardkitty · 30/09/2018 08:06

You're very welcome @Magic48 . I have left an abusive alcoholic and I know how much influence and control they can exert and how scary it is to leave. I have never regretted leaving, not for one second. My children have traumatic memories of their drunk father and have no meaningful relationship with him. It sounds really unlikely that Al-anon would say 'It's over to him to get help now'. This would be the opposite of their usual function, which would be to support you to make choices about your own life and the needs of your children and to accept that his alcoholism is something you did not cause and cannot control.

Original poster
Magic48 · 30/09/2018 08:15

@bastardkitty it may just have been who I spoke to maybe, they don’t hold meetings where I live; I wouldn’t have to travel an hour to an actual meeting but I haven’t been able to do that with work and my Daughter but will be doing all I can now I know I’m not going to get anywhere anyhow since he doesn’t want help

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bastardkitty · 30/09/2018 08:32

The help isn't for him because, as you say, he doesn't want it. It's for you - to think about yourself and your children and the life you want for all of you.

Original poster
Magic48 · 30/09/2018 08:39

@hendricksy so sorry about your loss, it’s sad that people never realise it’s effects or consequences and it’s sooooo comforting to hear someone knows what ‘the smell is’ people ask what it smells like and I just can’t answer them

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fieryginger · 30/09/2018 09:20

He cannot have her overnight if he's an alcoholic, it is unsafe for her - she will be unsupervised, what if there's a house fire? As is him driving over the limit with her.

Her safety is paramount.

Good luck op, I really feel for you, what a horrible situation you are in. It sounds like you really do care for him. 💐

Original poster
Magic48 · 30/09/2018 10:25

I do care for him but I care more for my Daughter; that is why I’m scared that he could be allowed to have her on his own, he doesn’t get to drive her around, if know he has has been drinking or is having a bad morning from the night before I always drive her in

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FrenchHen · 30/09/2018 10:48

Magic I'm sorry that you are going through this, unfortunately I don't have any advice as such.

My dad was a functioning alcoholic, I spent most of my childhood either being scared of him or hating him. I wish my mum would have left him, he was never abusive, he shut us out completely, he was like a moody stranger living in our house.
He did get ill, really ill. When he got out of the hospital he started drinking again. The doctors warned him - he didn't want to listen. He died a painful death from liver failure a few months ago.

He was my father by relation, but he never acted like it. All I associate with him is worry, sadness, unhappiness and shame.

I'm not saying you have to leave, I completely understand it's not just as easy as LTB. But this will impact on your DD in some way, either now or in the future.

Alcohol is an awful addiction, it can be treated but only if that person wants it.

hendricksy · 30/09/2018 10:49

@Magic48 thank you .. it was 5 years ago but he had a very large presence and is greatly missed . I often wonder what happened in his life to make him want to shut it all out every night . Do you know if your DH suffered any trauma ? I don't think Dad did to my knowledge but he lived a full life before he met Mum so who knows .

hendricksy · 30/09/2018 10:52

I will add my dad although a functioning alcoholic he was a great dad . The drink came first but only after the hours of about 7-9 and then he passed out . He was kind , generous , fun and I loved him very much so it is possible that @Magic48 husband is a lovely man , just one that has a horrible addiction.
I agree he wouldn't be allowed to have your dd overnight if he is out cold it wouldn't be safe .

Original poster
Magic48 · 30/09/2018 10:58

Thank you @Frenchhen, I am certainly realising it is a very common problem just one I have never dealt with until now, I am sorry for your loss and I am thinking about my daughter as number one; I’m just terrified; I would rather not be here at all 😥

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Original poster
Magic48 · 30/09/2018 11:01

@Hendricksy there has been no trauma as such but there were a lot of stresses with his last wife I believe and also a long battle with infertility and family dramas that he probably hasn’t dealt with well, he won’t go to counselling which is his choice I just don’t want to be sucked down with him, he starts drinking as soon as he gets home like immediately but my wee one is asleep before it affects him thankfully

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Original poster
Magic48 · 30/09/2018 11:05

I don’t think I’m strong enough for this 😞

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fastfooder · 30/09/2018 11:10

What if you asked him to go counselling with you? For your relationship then slowly discussing the alcohol and how it’s affecting your relationship.

Original poster
Magic48 · 30/09/2018 11:33

Already asked, he said he wouldn’t go, he thinks counsellors are fake and that they don’t know anymore than he does.

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bastardkitty · 30/09/2018 13:36

That will be the denial speaking then. He's leaving you in no doubt where he stands in relation to tackling his addiction. How do you feel about your long term future with a committed alcoholic with no intention of changing. If he's drinking 30 units a day he should NEVER be driving your DD because he is never sober.